Chapter 10
Wednesday in Waterford dawned with a sky the color of old mayonnaise and the kind of humidity that made even the cows consider taking up synchronized swimming. The mayor was busy hosting a "Mandatory Clarity Day," which mostly involved handing out pamphlets that contradicted each other and a new town slogan: "Waterford: Where the Answers Are Always Changing."
Colonel Mustard and Lieutenant Pickle arrived at the BK Lounge to find the regulars in a state of collective bewilderment. The "BJ's: Finally Found!" banner was now draped over a pile of paperwork, and the condiment cartel cats were running a pop-up stand called "Confuse-a-Snack," where the menu changed every five minutes and nothing was spelled correctly.
Pickle scratched his head. "Sir, I tried to order a sandwich and got a bowl of soup, a rubber duck, and a coupon for free confusion on my next visit."
Mustard grinned. "Classic misdirection, Lieutenant. When you can't win with logic, just out-weird the opposition."
Pelosi with the Clues appeared, wearing sunglasses and a trench coat, and handed them a map labeled "Definitely NOT a Treasure Map." She whispered, "The secret to surviving Waterford: If you can't beat 'em, confuse 'em. And always keep a spare napkin."
The mayor, not to be outdone, leapt onto a table and announced, "As of this moment, all town meetings will be held in interpretive dance. Minutes will be recorded in Morse code by the squirrel."
A hush fell over the BK Lounge. The cartel cats immediately began rehearsing their jazz paws. Mrs. Peabody fainted into a pile of napkins (which, fortunately, doubled as a crash pad).
Mustard seized the moment. "Citizens of Waterford! When the world refuses to make sense, don't let it get you down. If you can't beat 'em, confuse 'em right back. Wear your pajamas to work, answer questions with questions, and if someone asks for directions, give them a recipe for potato salad."
Pickle, emboldened, jumped onto the counter and led the crowd in a parody of "Stayin' Alive," but changed the chorus to "Stayin' Confused." The entire BK Lounge joined in, dancing badly and laughing even worse.
Parody Song:
"Stayin' Confused"
(To the tune of "Stayin' Alive" by the Bee Gees)
Well, now, I get lost and I don't know why,
I'm just tryin' to order fries,
Confusion's thick, the sauce is strong,
In Waterford, you can't go wrong.
Ah, ah, ah, ah, stayin' confused, stayin' confused!
Life's a riddle, that's our style,
If you can't beat 'em, just beguile.
Ah, ah, ah, ah, stayin' confused!
The mayor's squirrel attempted a moonwalk, the cows mooed in 4/4 time, and the cartel cats took a bow.
Colonel Mustard raised his mug. "To confusion, chaos, and the courage to never make sense!"
Pickle clinked his cup. "And to always keeping them guessing!"
Because in Waterford, when the world gets too strange to follow, you don't have to beat it—you just have to out-weird it.
Colonel Mustard's Clue:
If you can't beat 'em, confuse 'em. And if that fails, offer them a rubber duck and walk away.