It all started with Whisper bursting into my room at 4am holding a cloak, a scroll, and an extremely judgmental goat.
"We're infiltrating the Order of Eternal Balance," she said. "Put this on."
"I'm literally asleep."
"You've been staring at the ceiling for 2 hours."
"I was spiritually asleep."
She threw the cloak at me. It smelled like regrets and mothballs.
Slime poked his head in. "I'm bringing the toothpick. It said it wants to 'see the followers.'"
"The what now—"
"I talk to sticks now."
He held up the divine nap-pocalypse relic.
It blinked.
I screamed.
We arrived at a "secret location" that looked suspiciously like an abandoned K-pop dance studio.
Two cloaked figures met us at the door.
"Are you here for balance?" one asked.
"I'm here for snacks," I replied.
"…Good answer."
They led us inside.
Inside was pure cult core.
Candles? Check.
Floating runes? Double check.
A suspicious statue of a man holding a giant toothpick? Triple check.
Free cupcakes? Okay, that's a win.
We were handed orientation booklets titled:
"Peace Through Poking: A Beginner's Guide to Charisma Worship."
I spat out my cupcake.
"I WHAT?!"
Whisper blinked. "They've named the religion after you."
Slime read the fine print. "You're listed as The Accidental Messiah."
I screamed internally.
The toothpick hummed smugly.
The leader walked in. Cloak made of stars, face veiled in sparkles.
"I am High Guide Koo'Mah," they said. "You must be… the fresh souls."
They stopped. Looked at me. Froze.
The room went silent.
"Oh my gods," someone whispered. "He's glowing."
"No, that's just a bad lighting angle," I tried.
High Guide Koo'Mah stepped forward. "You… are the one from the prophecy. The one who poked the sleeping realms awake."
"I just wanted to start a club."
A low chorus of gasps echoed.
Slime took a selfie with the statue.
We were ushered into a side chamber for "initiation."
It involved drinking lukewarm tea, reciting a poem about spoons, and surviving the Trial of Balance.
"What's that?" I asked.
"You walk a narrow plank while being pelted with spiritual insults."
Oh. Great.
My turn.
Whisper nailed it. Slime jiggled his way through. Me?
I stepped on the plank, the lights dimmed, and a speaker blared:
"YOU HAVE NO AMBITION. YOU'RE JUST COASTING. YOU CALL THAT A HAIRCUT?"
My balance broke immediately.
I fell into the Pit of Slight Inconveniences.
Which… was just a puddle of lukewarm soda. Still traumatic.
After that disgrace, I tried to sneak out.
Keyword: tried.
The moment I touched the door, the walls glowed.
Statues spun. Candles flared.
The big toothpick statue cracked open like a fortune cookie.
And inside was another scroll:
"HE WHO BEARS THE FANG OF THE LAZY ONE SHALL LEAD US TO MIDNAP."
"MIDNAP: The eternal sleep that is not death, not life… just vibes."
"Charisma shall bring balance to the chaos. Or at least hit snooze on it."
High Guide Koo'Mah turned to me, trembling.
"You must… give a speech."
"Do I look like I prepare speeches?!"
"Speak from the soul."
So I panicked and said:
"Yo. Sleep is cool. War sucks. Vibe hard. Stay hydrated."
They cheered like I'd dropped divine truth.
Afterwards, Koo'Mah offered me a relic.
It was a spoon with eyeballs.
"Use it to stir fate."
I used it to stir my tea.
It exploded.
Koo'Mah wept. "It has begun."
Later, I was given a room with cult robes, 6 pillows, and a frog with anxiety.
Slime sat beside me, reading the orientation scroll.
"They want you to lead their next pilgrimage. It's to the 'Pillow Fields of Eternal Chill.'"
I groaned.
The toothpick vibrated and whispered in ancient runes:
"Accept. They have great blankets."
"No."
"There are snacks."
"…Fine."
That night, I found Whisper standing on the balcony, eyes scanning the stars.
"This is spiraling," I muttered.
"I know. You're dangerously influential for someone who's always half-asleep."
"Why do they keep choosing me?"
"Because you look like you won't start a war. That's terrifying."
"…Thanks?"
She looked at me.
"You do realize we'll need to fake your death eventually, right?"
"Oh absolutely."
Slime walked in wearing a wedding veil. "I may have proposed to the statue. It said yes."
"…We're leaving tomorrow."