'When I look in the mirror, I don't see myself anymore. I only see a monster, a killer who takes pleasure in the deaths of hundreds, even thousands. But… is that really who I am? I don't think so."
His name was Nobunaga Lee. Once, he was the most obedient student in school. But after his mother died, everything changed. He stopped living and started merely existing, blaming himself for everything.
One day, Nobunaga sat on a bench, quietly watching pigeons fight over a piece of bread.
"I wish I were a pigeon," he muttered. "Being human is painfully exhausting, especially when you're a human who can't do anything with their life.'
Suddenly, a cat appeared and caught one of pigeons with his paws. At first Nobunaga wanted to drive the cat away but then he realised he didn't actually want to do it. He just stood up clenching his fists and looking somewhere in the distance.
'I cannot just stand who I am now, I wanna change, I wanna have some power. The years have passed since mum died and I still cannot find the reason, this couldn't just happen by itself, every death has the reason but not every reason is easy to find'
With such thoughts Nobunaga set off to home holding a dead pigeon in his hand, deciding to bury it near his house.
He lived with his father in an old building built by his great-great-grandfather. Mom's funeral was a long time ago but for Nobunaga it felt like it was yesterday. He still couldn't accept the fact that father and him left alone. Nobunaga hated that feeling and wanted to strangle it with all his strength although it was impossible.
When Nobunaga entered the house there was no one inside. He looked through the window and noticed that his father was outside kneeling in front of mother's grave near the house.
Nobunaga exhaled heavily and headed to father.
When he approached him, he understood the dad was crying his face was pale and with spots that were clearly visible in the sun.
'Dad' Nobunaga said quietly.
But dad didn't pay attention he continued crying and looking somewhere at the ground.
'Come on, dad. You couldn't have sat here all the time, could you'
Dad still cried.
Nobunaga suddenly grabbed his father by the collar of his shirt and forced him to stand on his feet
ʼYou look miserable, u cannot cry all the time it won't help, two years has already passed and u still can't reconcile, u cry here everyday'
Nobunaga let his father go and watched him wiping his tears.
'Tell me that u accepted it..ʼ said the father in a hoarse voice ʼthat u accepted we left all alone'
He was silent for a moment and Nobunaga just could hear the hard breathing.
ʼI'll never accept itʼ said dad and was about to leave but Nobunaga stopped him with his hand.
'U have to, otherwise u won't be able to survive in this life'
Nobunaga dropped hand and turn to his dad.
'Who said I wanted to survive' the father muttered weakly and went into the house.
Nobunaga was standing there watching father leaving and then he looked at the headstone with mum'a picture on it. She looked so happy there even not suspecting that she could die.
ʼOf course I didn't accept it, but what am I supposed to do? Crying is not gonna help me in any way it will just make me feel more pathetic than I am now. Damn it! The life is not fair for everyone but nothing to do with it just to become more aware of how to survive in such world'.
Nobunaga was standing there for a moment but then he realised he didn't wanna think anymore.
He dropped school two years ago and had no friends at all.
The last person who talked to him was Mayumi but after mum has died he didn't wanna talk to anyone and he just tried avoiding everyone or just not to pay attention. When Mayumi saw that Nobunaga started avoiding her, she was upset at first, but then another guy appeared in her life and it seemed like she didn't care anymore. At least Nobunaga thought so.
When he entered the house he noticed the father with a bottle of wine in front of him and he was not alone. There was a neighbour Suzuki Cabo whose frequent visits increased after mother's death.
'Hey, Nobunaga' he muttered 'Would you like to join us?'
'No, thanks'
'Hello, son, how was your school?' Dad was probably pretty drunk by now because he could barely speak.
'Quit drinking, Dad' Nobunaga replied, glancing at him 'It is not gonna help u anyway'
'I wouldn't be so critical' Suzuki said and burst out laughing. Dad supported him and a sudden manic laugh escaped their mouth.
Nobunaga was standing there watching them and this sight aroused in him disgust and hatred. He felt like if they hadn't stopped, he would have done something bad.
'Don't mind him Suzuki, he is just a little boy'
Nobunaga approached them and sat down at the table looking at dad whose gaze was distant and blurred.
'He is a strong guy.' said Suzuki pouring wine into a glass 'Not everyone can survive their mother's death, and some even lose their minds.'
At the mention of his mother, Nobunaga clenched his fists angrily and looked at Suzuki contemptuously.
Dad nodded and smiled to Nobunaga.