Nox's POV:
"Fuck my life!" I mumbled depressingly with my mask pressed against the green grass of my lawn.
Now you might be wondering why I'm lying outdoors, wallowing in my own misery. Well, as some of you might recall, I took a job lately, that came with this new residence I am legally required to live in for a month. A residence that I hate, because it's impractical, too fairy tale esque in appearance, and most importantly, it's pink.
Now, you might be wondering, why I don't just repaint it or something. Well you see, apparently, changing this horror-show beyond a few shades becomes incredibly complicated, because it's registered as a division of this country's color-based palace system that symbolizes the top branch of the government despite doing jack shit, and therefore this pink nightmare is both a cultural treasure and a symbol of national pride. Though I am allowed to do some changes to the structure, repainting it in any other color is considered a cultural taboo, which I again find stupid considering this is a nation so young if it was a human, it would have been turned away at the bar, along with any of its original culture not lifted directly off the nations it has absorbed. There are ways of getting around it legally if I can get the royal court on my side or convince the playboy, but apparently being universally hated by everyone has a downside, and the playboy is just an asshole who finds the sight of me failing to rip out my nearly indestructible hair from my scalp, hilarious, and so, I'm stuck with this for the time being.
Fortunately, I don't have to stay here 24/7 though due to some loose definitions in the contract I found, but unless I want to risk the playboy suddenly demanding a refund for not following the agreement, I need to spend a certain amount of time within the property line every day. That is why I am on the only non-pink part of the property, facing the ground so I don't have to look at my awful castle while waiting until the timer runs out.
"If it had to be a castle, why couldn't it be a haunted one at least?" I complained.
"THERE YOU ARE, YOU BITCH!" said my loud neighbor who just helped me by kindly stomping my head underground to make it even harder to see that pink thing.
"HOW DARE YOU SHOW YOUR FACE AROUND HERE AGAIN! THE DARK LORD IS MINE! I AM HIS DARK LADY, MAKING THIS MY PALACE! NOW LEAVE BEFORE I TAKE YOUR HEAD!!!"
Also, for some reason the lolli I dumped was seduced by that playboy wife of mine and became one of my noisy neighbors? Roommates? Burglars? Squatting, neighbors who like to live in that pink nightmare whenever I'm not around, and also when I'm around, because she who controls the castle, controls the playboy's haram.
"Why'd I take the money up front?" I moaned, with my head still firmly planted in the underground.
Normally, I would have just quit the moment I found out I couldn't repaint the darn thing, but now that I've actually got the cash in my hands, quitting just cause the share amount of pink is hurting my eyes would be unprofessional and look bad on my rep sheet for my next job application. Also, I just got rid of my bounty, and if I take the cash and bail, they'll probably put it back up again which is a bigger nuisance than enduring 1 month of ocular torture.
"DID YOU NOT HEAR M-!"
*Ding*
*Bang*
"Finally! I can leave!" I said, after pulling my head out of the ground so fast, I got a chin-shaped depression in my skull from what was probably a rock.
Now that I was free from having to spend any more of my precious 24 hours in this cursed land, I tried to sneak away quietly so as to not disturb the neighbor resting peacefully on the grass with a dislocated jaw, which I can definitely not be held accountable for.
"THERE SHE IS! I TOLD YOU I SAW HER HERE!!!"
"Damn it! Every time!" I complained as my loud neighbors did what loud neighbors do and wake sleepy heads.
"Ugh! (My head!) Huh? AAAAH!" The purple-haired lolli screamed either from the pain in her mouth, or out of relief from finally getting out that pesky tooth lodged between her teeth.
"Cannibalism, huh? Don't worry, I don't judge!" I said, giving her a friendly pat on the shoulder to tell her this was a safe open space.
I mean, I don't condone it, but as someone who knows the surprising tastiness of human flesh, it's not like I have any room to judge others. Though, in my case it was a matter of survival, and I didn't eat the teeth. A solid source of calcium though, which only goes to show how great her dental plans must be to be able to chew them up. I'm getting off track. My point is, I'm not going to stand here judging someone else for taking a bite. So, I'm gonna leave and look for someone I can judge instead.
"Try eating chicken instead of people or they'll arrest you! Bye now!" I said, giving some advice to my fellow cannibal before I turned around to leave.
"THAT FOOL EVEN DARED LAY A HAND ON PRINCESS NISHI!"
"DOES SHE NOT KNOW HER OWN WORTH OR IS SHE JUST THAT ARROGANT!?"
"THE LORD SPECIFICALLY ORDERED NOT TO HARM HER!"
*Slurred death threats*
*Pop*
It's amazing how quickly someone can get attached to strangers just because they have something in common. I mean, just look at how the lolli cannable suddenly tried to stop me from leaving by teleporting her nails in front of my mask. Alas, I really don't want to stick around this place longer than I have to, so I just enlarged the existing spatial distortion and pulled her whole body through by the wrist, and just cause I couldn't bear to say no to that sad murderous glare of hers, I decided to let her come along on my walk. I even held her hand so she wouldn't get lost in the crowd, and as thanks, she frantically tried to shower me in her very violent expressions of affection. When she got tired of using me as her scratching post, I let her rest, as I dragged her tired limp booty across the ground, while enjoying what I am sure is the admiring stares and quietly whispering praises from the crowd that are surely about what a nice person I am.
"HALT!" Shouted the nicely dressed guy I think I remember seeing in one of the many, many court meetings I called to try and get my house legally repainted.
"Good day to you sir! Now goodbye!" I said, trying to be polite in my exit so as to leave a good impression in hopes of it improving my chances for my next paint job request.
Unfortunately, the guy didn't seem to hear me when I said bye and moved in front of me again.
"DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO IT IS YOU ARE DRAGGING THROUGH THE DIRT?!"
"INDEED! THIS HERE IS MY NEIGHBOR, LADY LOLLIGAG, WHO WANTED TO JOIN ME FOR MY WALK THIS EVENING!" I shouted back, wondering if maybe it was a volume issue, which might explain why he is yelling.
"ARE YOU TRYING TO CAUSE AN INTERNATIONAL INCIDENT YOU FOOL?! LET GO OF HER AT-!"
*Bonk*
"AAAAAAHH!"
"TOUCHING PEOPLE IN THEIR SLEEP IS A BIG NO-NO!" I said, using my trusty pain stick to punish this naughty hard of hearing Moe of Lester.
Feeling good about today, as I am sure none of this will have any repercussions later, I went on with my day, making sure to give my friendly neighbor plenty of fiery brain-altering head pats to encourager her quiet behavior, until I finished my walk, after which I, the upright citizen that I am, decided to walk my neighbor to her house to ensure her safety, which took a while, because I didn't know where that was. For you see, as I explained earlier, the purple-haired lolli snoozing over here, and the rest of my squatting roommates, don't officially own real estate on my estate, shocking I know, but I don't really have the heart to kick out such adorably useful pawns from my house.
Fortunately, I mean, un-fortunately, I never actually looked into where this lollygagging lolli lived, and those who I asked for directions kept turning out to be Moes and Lesters. This took me a considerable amount of time, which I was happy to do to prove I am a nice person, and definitely not because I have nothing to do and this seemed like a perfect excuse to be out after curfew to avoid that pink nightmare and the playboy's nightly harassments.
"You're sure that's where her house is?"
"Y-Yes, ma'am!" Said the scrawny guy who just watched me beat up my umpteenth Lester.
"And you're absolutely sure about the directions! I feel like the last right should be a left!"
"Uh, m-miss! Th-That street only turns right! There are no lefts turns!"
"…! I said what said, and I'm sticking to it!" I said, pulling out a sledgehammer from spatial storage.
"So, this is where you have been all night!"
Interrupting my thoughts of smashing my own path through the houses of those who conveniently didn't pay me an insurance fee, came the playboy who suddenly floated down from the sky to assault my personal space and ruin my, I mean, our girls' night out by violating this time-honored tradition's most sacred and sexist of law.
"No boys allowed! Go away!"
Unfortunately, this disrespectful and criminally insane playboy who cares nothing for traditions or the law, was undeterred in his mission to ruin my debt coll-! I mean, perfectly legal and sacred girls' night out, which has nothing to do with any underground mafias I've taken over.
"Hm? Is that the scourge of the palace? What did you do to her?" The playboy asked with the same old shit-eating grin he always has plastered on his face, and a curious gaze that was fortunately directed towards my new pal instead of the hammer I just placed back in spatial storage.
"First rule of girls' night! Don't talk about girls' night!" I responded, quickly placing the hammer hidden behind my back into spatial storage before he got suspicious.
"Oh? I thought you said it was 'no boys allowed'?"
"No! That's rule number three!"
"*chuckle* Well, good thing I am not a boy then!"
Taking advantage of me being momentarily distracted trying to imagine him in a maid outfit, the playboy bolted up to me, then grabbed me by the hip and groped the chin of my mask to force eye-contact.
"I am a man!" He said, oozing with so much playboy-energy, it was starting to infect the dreams of my sleepy neighbor.
*Incoherent mumbling*
"Nice try, but playboys are still boys, ergo, you are under arrest for breaking the law of girls' night! You have the right to put your hands in the air like you just don't care!" I said, holding him at gun point with my playboy repellent water gun.
*Sizzle*
Of course, the playboy, being the vandal that he is, immediately destroyed my gun again, only this time, he didn't just melt it, he lit it, and my hand holding it, on fire.
"Eww! Gross! It's all over my hand!" I said, as I tried to wipe the gross playboy-fire off on his clothes which to my dismay was fireproof, despite how very burnable they looked.
"*chuckle* So, then! Why don't you tell this great lord what his wife has been up too all night?"
"Second rule of girls' night! DO NOT talk about girls' night!"
"Wasn't that the first?"
"Yes, but it's also the second! Now go away, rule-breaker!"
"Well, you've already broken the rules by telling me the rules, so I do not see why you cannot tell me more!"
"…!"
While I was struggling to think of a loophole in his logic that would hold up in court, the playboy, taking my silence as a sign of weakness, tried to Moe and Lester me out in the open by covertly disturbing Peter 2.0 who is currently incubating inside my butt cheek.
"Bad playboy! Bad!" I said, as I pulled out a playboy-repellent spray bottle and aimed it at his face.
*Spray*
"Whoa! I TOLD YOU TO STOP DOING THAT!"
*Sizzle*
"Note to self! Invest in fire resistant spray bottles!" I said, as I watched my spray bottle evaporate.
Fortunately, the playboy repellent managed to ward off the guy who almost aborted my parasitic fetus by means of butt-squishing. Unfortunately, the unhygienic bastard dodged infection by moving away faster than the bacteria could travel towards his nose, mouth, or eyes, because he is almost as quick on his toes as his ass is indestructible.
"Wait a second! Is your ass indestructible?" I asked, while already coming up with blueprints for a very deadly strap-on.
*Sigh*
"You, there! Take the scourge on the ground to her residence and have the servants lock her inside her room!" The playboy ordered the directionally challenged grunt I asked earlier, before kidnapping me into the sky.
"Hey, let go of me, or-!"
*sizzle*
"…! Do you have something against water-guns or something?" I asked, trying to distract myself from the horrible premonition I'm having by focusing on the fact that the playboy just melted my umpteenth bacteria gun.
"I do when they are loaded with a deadly poison and directed towards this great lord's body! Now you better be prepared to be punished for staying out late!"
"Hey, there was nothing in the contract that said I couldn't be out past midnight!"
"True, but as this lord's woman, you should know better than to be walking outside at night unaccompanied!"
"I wasn't alone! I had my trusty neighbor who had my back even in her sleep! Well, technically it was my hand, but you get the point! I am completely safe walking the midnight streets with that unconscious lolli by my side to scare off any nefarious hoodlums!"
"Honestly, I am more worried what you might do to the streets than your safety at this point!"
"What? Don't be crazy! What could a law-abiding citizen like me possibly do to warrant such blatant slander!"
"Last night, you got in the way of a year-long investigation into a criminal organization!"
"Hey, they were the petty sons' of the mafia that kidnapped me, and you should be thanking me for getting rid of that illegal human trafficking ring!"
"As amusing as I find Yami blowing a fuse over this, his complaints are taking up a lot of my time! The red palace was using them to try and locate their main headquarters!"
"Well, if you spent a whole year trying to find em, and you only had one sketchy warehouse to show for it, then you were never gonna find em anyways!" I said, trying to provoke this prideful playboy into snitching on his buddies.
"Hmph! Well, maybe if this great lord was not so preoccupied stopping a certain mischievous magician from facing the consequences of her actions, those insignificant plebeians would be well on their way down to the underworld by now!"
"Well, if they are insignificant then it can't have been that important!"
"*sigh* Then there was the night before that!"
"I am sure I don't know what you are talking about as I am merely a regular citizen!"
"I found you dressed like a bat and hunting criminals for sport!"
"Hey, you have no proof that was me!"
"I literally caught you in the act!"
"That doesn't prove anything, and besides, I have an alibi! I was with someone at the time of the events you speak of!"
"Yes, me, when I pulled the mask off your other mask!"
"AHA! So, you admit it! Case closed!"
*Sigh*
"And do I even need to remind you of what you did the night before that?"
"…! I'm not apologizing!"
"Just because they declined your request to repaint the Pink Palace, does not mean you can go around vandalizing the homes of my officials! Between them and the red palace, the majority of my day is spent dealing with the numerous complaints regarding your behavior!"
"Well, if they don't like it when others decide how their houses should look like than they shouldn't be doing it to others, and you had every chance to stop this, but instead you'd rather laugh your ass off! Well, who is laughing now?!"
"That will be me in just a moment!" The playboy said as we landed.
I then sensed a great evil behind me, like none I had ever felt before.
"Pft! It really is a wonder how you somehow find this place more disturbing than the Frost Palace!"
"Shut your face! You're not the one who needs to live here, so go home! This is still girls' night, which means you're not invited!" I said, getting chills down my spine from feeling the great evils physically impossible gaze burning into the back of my skull.
"Hmph! If I am not mistaken, you need more than yourself for an event such as that, and there is just you and-!"
*Squealing girls*
"You were saying?"
*Bang*
Suddenly, my trusty and reliable squatters came to my rescue as they literally pushed the doors off their hinges, and right on top of me before proceeding to trample this lady of the night into the dirt while on their way to grope the playboy.
"Yeah! Get em girls!" I cheered from under the door while being half-embedded in the ground.