Two sides stare at each other with cluttered eyes. Neither of the two sides know who the original is, and who the current version is. Perhaps they are the same. Yes. Of course they're the same. But it's not that easy. There is not one person living inside his head. There are in fact multiple versions of himself. Each of them are completely indiscernible from each other. One mind split into countless different paths, each one taking over once it becomes their turn. All of this leaves the shell, Dean, drowning in his own ambivalence.
Normally when Dean stares into this other version of himself, he sees an unobstructed image, but this time is different. It's not a unique experience. In fact, it's something he would usually see every day. But this time is different. This time the clouded silhouette feels like it's trying to say something.
Something almost disturbing seemed to happen, causing Dean –unbeknownst to him– to let out a faint whimper. Or rather, something unusual didn't happen. Just that part alone was enough to make him question himself and his situation. In this situation, Dean had become so accustomed to a specific strange event, that the absence of said event created an unnerving feeling within him. No matter what he did, his mind would not lose itself in thought. That black void of hate wouldn't envelop him. Perhaps –similar to the mirror in front of him– his mind was simply too foggy to think properly. Or maybe it was so clear to the point that that void became obsolete. The hate had vanished. Or rather, shoved way down until needed again. Either way, he felt good.
It was as if the hug in the rain that occurred only a little less than twenty minutes ago had drained him of everything that was wrong. Every single negative thought that swirled around in his brain melted away into his subconscious. All he felt was bliss. Suddenly, Dean was grateful for his life, and the way it's transpired so far.
Even with this enlightened feeling, he was still aware of the things he'd done. The giant hole and bloodied corpses still lingered in his mind, but they no longer elicited any sort of negative reaction. Instead, they were topics that he brushed aside a moment after thinking of it, almost as if it no longer had any significance. Every bad thought was replaced with the image of the home he's currently standing in, the family that resides in it, and the friend that supported him along the way.
Despite his recently discovered disgust of blood, –which would make him feel an intense wave of nausea at even the thought of it– he didn't seem to mind it anymore. At least in this situation. After being soaked from the cold rain, Ashley and Dean took turns taking showers to warm themselves up, with Ashley taking the first. Even if Dean knew that warm water would painfully remind him of the sensation of blood, he turned it on anyway. Surprisingly, he had no reaction to this feeling other than relaxation.
Even with all of these positives, he couldn't help but feel weird and anxious about the situation. After all, it was such a sudden change in mood. Quick enough to cause whiplash. So many things about him felt different. The rambling thoughts –that always seemed to repeat themselves for some reason– were silenced. No longer could he hear the constant screams of distraction in his ears. Instead, the world around him silently sang sounds of solace.
Dean (Inner): It's like I'm a whole new person. It's funky. Actually… No… This isn't a new me. I was wrong. This is the old me. How I used to be before… Everything. Carefree, relaxed, and happy. The me who wore a mask of sadness, despite not having a shred of regret.
As the mirror clears itself of the fog, Dean stares into the crystal reflection with a genuine warm smile splashed across his face. And despite not feeling the sensation of it, he notices the small amount of tears that have streamed down his face, and accumulated below his chin.
Dean (Inner): So is it over then? Was this the resolution I had been walking towards? The one path I wanted so desperately to return to? It sure feels like it. After all, I have everything I once did or wanted, right? Family, friends, a cozy home, happiness, and a potential love interest. I guess… I guess my constant prayers that things would just go back to normal were answered, huh? Thanks.
As he continues to stare into the mirror, he realizes that it's not a reflection of an alternate Dean Jeeves. The Dean Jeeves in the mirror is the same Dean Jeeves that's staring at it. It's all one Dean Jeeves.
Just like how the two had discussed during the previous night, Dean was forced to wear Ashley's clothes. At least while his were in the wash. Although he expected himself to react in a way similar to arousement, this feeling never came. Even if he wasn't wearing underwear, and the clothes were just a little smaller than he was used to, –since both Dean and Lexi usually like to wear clothes that are a little too big, which allows it to flow more, and feels more freeing– and that it was the clothes of the girl he feels like he should be attracted to, it didn't seem to mind him. It just felt like clothes.
Dean (Inner): Maybe that hug really didn't change how I feel about her. Was the concert too intense of a moment for me that it permanently affected my ability to feel love in a romantic sense? I mean like… Probably not, right? I still think my theory from earlier was more or less correct. That reality stared into my soul, so I stared back pretty much. Maybe I will come to like her again, who knows? I hope I do. Or wait… If I'm hoping that my feelings for her will return, then doesn't that mean they never left? That they're just hiding behind some sort of surface in my head? Or maybe it's just that I feel like I should rather than hope for it. 'Cause right now, things are starting to feel like how they used to. And if I'm back to how I was, it only really makes sense that I would like Ashley, right? I mean, that was like a big part of who I was. And yet… I don't feel any affection. Maybe my mind hasn't fully caught up yet? That could make sense. With everything that's happened, it's understandable that I'm still processing it all. Or maybe I really do have some kind of brain injury. I have had a headache since I left the hospital yesterday, and I've been feeling unusually tired. So maybe that's part of it? I should definitely keep an eye out though, just in case things get worse.
Yet he kept rambling. Assuming that all was well, he failed to see that his nervous and distracting rambling never ceased.
While Dean was taking his shower, the rest of the people in the house were still at the kitchen table. Each of the four had a different opinion and feeling about the situation. Heather was overjoyed at it all, happy that her daughter did such a good thing for Dean, and hoping that the two will get closer in the future, even if she knows that it's too soon for that right now. Cameron was also supportive of it, but in a different way. His charismatic attitude had suddenly returned and he was making light of the situation. In his mind however, he understood that the situation wasn't entirely a positive one. While Ashley did support Dean while he was struggling, and allowed him to let out a ton of bottled up emotions, there was still underlying tragedy in it all.
Cameron (Inner): I'm worried about that dude. He's quite young, which makes it all the more likely that he'll misunderstand what he feels. Happiness is temporary, and I don't think he realizes that. He's someone who absolutely thinks of himself as intelligent, whether that be consciously or unconsciously, so he'll probably come up with some sort of answer to how he feels. That joy that he feels will fade eventually, but he doesn't know that. I don't want to see him hurt, but I don't want to hurt him either. It might be best that I try to silently manipulate his understanding of it, so that when those feelings do return, it won't be as heartbreaking.
For the first of the other two people, Ashley didn't exactly know how she felt. The blush on her face would never fade, and her heart rate refused to slow down, which made it hard to breathe. Mentally, she was in a very similar place as Dean. She felt overjoyed, like that moment solved her problems of loneliness, since she has a real friend. And while friends is something she wanted, what she really craved was love. As of right now, she feels like Dean is the closest she'll ever get to a romantic partner, yet she still doesn't feel quite right about that. She's split directly down the middle. One side wants to eventually love him, while the other side feels that she's just being desperate, and should wait. Neither of these sides have more control than the other, which just causes discord within her. Even still, she sports a nervous smile as she sits up straight and stares down into the table at an angle.
Lexi (Inner): I guess I'm happy for my dude. Gotta give him a high five after all this. Man finally got the girl he wanted. Crazy. But still… Is he good? I mean, I literally vented so much to him, and it really set some emotion monster off inside him. He hasn't even talked to me yet. Well I haven't approached him either, but still. I guess you could say I should apologize for making him upset, but I don't really think that was my fault. For one reason or another, he began closing himself off to me, which made me feel really bad both for him, and about myself. I don't think I told him that though, did I? Whoops. Either way, dude was an emotional mess, bottling everything up. Is it my fault that I just added that last drop that exploded the bottle? I don't really think so. Still, I should talk to him. Ask him what's goin' on. He seems to have chilled out, so it seems like a good idea. Okay.
"It's because we hide so much. We hide everything from everyone. Including ourselves. In a futile attempt to make sense of it all, it's common to hide behind a lie." Something the figure in Dean's mind said. If the four people at the table each feel some sort of confliction about this, yet present themselves as happy, then aren't there really eight people at the table? Or maybe, those four people aren't real. Just masks conversing with each other, while the real person behind them continues to be trapped within their thoughts. No. Everyone is who they are, even with their lie.
Even though Lexi wanted to talk with Dean in private about everything, she didn't make any effort to. Passing it off as "not having the chance", Lexi avoided the encounter for the entire day. Constantly shoving it down, she convinced herself that she would do it 'later', yet she didn't know when that time would come.
Lexi (Inner): I have to talk to him to know our stance… But I just feel nervous, I guess. I'll just do it tomorrow then. When I have the chance, of course.
Lexi (Inner): I'll just do it tomorrow then.
Lexi (Inner): I'll just do it tomorrow then.
Lexi (Inner): I'll just do it tomorrow then.
Lexi (Inner): I'll just do it tomorrow then.
Lexi (Inner): I'll just do it tomorrow then.
But by that point, there was only one day left until Ashley's birthday party. Throughout the week, Lexi had slowly built up her courage to confront Dean. It felt weird to her though. Why was she able to vent her feelings so well then, but can't now? Dean had spoken and acted friendly with her every day, but either because of Lexi's curiosity, or his genuine feelings, it felt as if he was hiding some sort of dissatisfaction for her.
The morning sun beamed through the window in the guest room directly onto Lexi's face, –since the head of the bed was directly against the wall that the window is on– but she had already been awake for at least half an hour.
Lexi (Inner): I'm gonna do it.
The blanket flows off her body as she yanks it to the side, before she enthusiastically jumps out of bed, her feet creating a soft thud as they hit the ground. The steps that follow are aggressive yet soft. A polite stomp. Her hands shake ever so slightly as she reaches for the door handle. Deep down she knows she has to open it. That if she doesn't have the courage to open this door and look at Dean, then she'll never be able to talk to him. As her fingers slowly wrap around the cold metal of the handle, her body suddenly freezes with a realization.
Lexi (Inner): Wait… I'm the problem in this, aren't I? Dean hasn't been avoiding me. I've been avoiding him.
The hard edge of the door handle painfully jabs itself into her palm as she squeezes it. Eventually her whole body loosens, and she drops her hand with a sigh. As she looks up to face the door, it stares back at her in a silence that could either be seen as judgement, or support. Either way, it made her feel worse, leading to her jolting her head down and staring at the carpeted floor.
Lexi (Inner): I just made him feel bad by isolating myself because I couldn't get over my past. That's just a crappy thing to do, man. Obviously I needed support, but he arguably needed it more than I did so like what the heck? The best option for both of us was if I wasn't being a little bitch and talked to him about everything. I mean… I guess I did. But it was in a scummy way wasn't it? I looked all happy and bright. I think… I think I know what he meant now. To him, it looked like I got over my issue pretty quick, huh? That must've made him jealous. No way it didn't. Come to think of it, he never actually went along with the promise. Sure he did the pinky thing, but I don't think it was consciously. I don't think he wanted to promise that, yet habit forced him to anyway. I guess I could be a nerd and say "Well if he actually listened, then he would've understood what you were actually saying." Yeah I was happy because I finally understood what I needed to do to get better, not because I felt better. Makes sense he took that the wrong way though. Considering everything that's happened, I can't honestly expect him to piece that all together. I guess I did the right thing by giving him space at the start, but I shouldn't have avoided him altogether after that. I have to apologize.
With a newfound objective, Lexi's hand darts for the door handle. Unlike before, every part of her body works together to push her to do this. A powerful feeling of determination swirls around her like a tornado of colors. Stress melts away as the handle is yanked down. Loneliness is frozen as the cool air of the hallway blows into her face from the opening door. Anxiety crumbles with both of her footsteps out. And finally, it all returns when she sees Dean talking with Ashley.
Lexi (Inner): I pushed her away again, didn't I? Until she gave up on me and found a new person. Him. Not her. Him. Why do I always do this? Why do I always end up alone? Am I just the tutorial for people until they find someone better?
In her mind, Dean isn't there. In her mind, the Falinx house doesn't exist. In her mind, she's back on that random street, staring at her girlfriend. Or more accurately, her ex, Charlie. The tornado of colors quickly shifts into a hurricane of greys.
Dean's head –which was pointed towards Ashley just a second ago– turns to the hallway. Lexi's whole body freezes as she stares at him, a look of grief painted on her face from the grey. Dean's previously joyful and humorous expression shifts to one of concern.
Dean: Lexi? You good?
Her lips tremble as she tries to find the correct words. The image of Charlie remains plastered over Dean like a costume, affecting the way she hears his voice too. The hurricane grows stronger as her mind races to find something to say.
Lexi (Inner): I'm sorry. I never forgot abo-
Although her speech is in her head, it's still interrupted by the sound of Heather swinging the kitchen door open and stepping out with an excited whoop. Lexi's lips shut as if sealed with super glue. Because she gave up on talking however, she's able to move her legs just enough to walk to the couch. It's a struggle as every step makes the world more grey and dizzying.
Heather: It's gonna be a really nice day out. Mid to high eighties it says. Just hot enough I'd say! You three should get out and have some fun! Do a little hangout before the big party tomorrow, right!?
Dean: Sounds pretty fun.
Ashley: Yeah okay. I can guide you two around too, since I'm familiar with the area after all.
Their words don't reach Lexi's ears. They sound muffled and distant. It's not as if a powerful ringing is drowning the sound out however. Instead, Lexi's mind is blocking the noise out, leaving room for her regretful thoughts.
Balance begins to fade with only a few more steps to the couch. She forces the hurricane to the side, replacing it with any determination she can muster. As she turns her body, her balance gives out, making her tumble onto the couch. While Heather saw it first hand, Dean and Ashley only heard the noise, as they had been facing each other while talking. After a sudden silence, Ashley leaned to the side as Dean turned around.
Dean: Lexi!? Are you okay!?
Charlie (Flashback): I love you, Lexi.
A familiar scent fills Lexi's nose, putting her at ease. Opening her eyes and sitting up, the only thing she can see is Charlie. She's sitting just next to Lexi on the couch, holding her carefully. Her brown hair waves down to her elbows, which covers her small cheeks. Her freckle covered face highlights her thin nose. Her brown eyes exude affection. Lexi is immediately overwhelmed with emotion upon seeing her, making her forget that this isn't real.
Charlie: What happened?
Lexi: It's nothing… I just missed you.
Charlie: I missed you more actually, you dork! But don't worry, I waited for you.
Lexi: I counted down the days until I could see you again. I was determined.
Charlie: Well I'm proud of you, Lexi. C'mere, baby!
Charlie spreads her arms out, motioning for Lexi to accept her embrace. Looking down to her, Lexi notices that she's wearing the sweater she bought for her. The sight of it fills her with an unexplainable emotion.
Lexi: This isn't how it happened.
Dean: What? Lexi, are you okay, dude?
Suddenly snapping back to reality, she sees Dean's face a few inches away from hers. His eyes stare deeply into hers, full of worry. His hands are placed comfortably yet firmly on her shoulders, proving to her that he's got her. Everyone waits in silence as the two stare at each other. A single tear slips down her cheek, yet she doesn't move.
Lexi (Inner): I fucked it up again.
The sound of footsteps soon breaks the silence. Everyone's heads turn to the hallway where the sound was coming from. Cameron emerges from the hall and yawns before speaking. While the sight and charisma of him eased the tension by a considerable amount, there was still underlying emotion within Lexi that she buried down with each passing second.
Cameron: She looks sick. You guys were planning on going out today, right? I think it'd be best if Lexi stayed here and got some rest.
Lexi (Inner): No. I have to talk to Dean.
Dean: That sounds like a good idea. Don't worry, Lexi. We'll have enough fun for you too.
Lexi: Sure… Okay.
Ashley: We should probably get going then, huh?
Dean: Yeah probably.
In a guilty silence, Lexi stares helplessly at the two as they put their shoes on. With each second, she feels as though the world is stretching itself, pulling Dean away with Ashley, as he forgets about her. As the front door closes, the unbearable emptiness in Lexi's chest returns. Yet despite the intense emotions coursing through her, she doesn't move. Her body calm. Her face blank. Unable to properly process things.
Much like before, the only thing that breaks her out of this is the sound of Cameron's soft footsteps against the carpet. They're firm yet caring. Like an elephant, the steps are silent despite his presence and body language as he moves. With a soft groan, he squats down. Sitting on the table in front of the couch, he clasps his hands together and leans forward slightly. Interest and compassion spark out of his eyes.
Joining her husband, Heather steps forward next to the table and crosses her arms as she looks down at Lexi, who is still sitting on the couch with a blank face. Cameron gives off a somewhat threatening yet helpful vibe, Heather seems to have not understood what he was going for. While it's clear they both are thinking the same thing, Heather simply chose to present herself in a more firm way, like a mother about to lecture her child.
Even if Heather and Cameron referred to each other as husband and wife, they neither wear rings, nor are legally married. It should be expected, but luxuries like marriage don't exist in the bad part. In fact, the two hadn't even met each other until a few years before Ashley was born. This was because Cameron lived in the good part his whole life, only venturing out to the bad part out of sheer, overwhelming curiosity. Heather on the other hand, lived in the bad part her whole life, as she was born with a pretty useless power. It was a true star-crossed love, even if they don't really care about tropes like that. Their "wedding" was held when Ashley was five years old, the only guests being Ashley and Leon. Even if marriage wasn't an option, they still held their own cheap ceremony, which is something that a lot of couples do in the bad part. Sometimes, even couples in the good part do this too. However, Dean's and Lexi's parents did not apply to this. Dean's parents were legally married, while Lexi's never got married.
Cameron: This is a safe space, Lexi. If what's bothering you has to do with Dean, you can tell us since he's not here, okay? We're here to help you, even if you aren't technically our kid.
Once Cameron had laid down his words in front of Lexi, Heather simply nodded at what he said. After all, she understood that Cameron was the more intelligent one in the relationship since he actually went to school for twelve years.
Lexi: It… It is because of him, I guess. Obviously I don't like him romantically or anything, but I still feel some sort of intimacy towards him, if that makes sense.
While Heather's eyes softened at Lexi's confusion, Cameron's attentive expression never wavered.
Cameron: It makes perfect sense, don't worry. You told us that you turn eighteen in a few months. So even if you're almost an adult, you're still a kid. And you still will be for a few years despite that big change. So it's okay to feel bad about this kind of stuff. It's okay that you don't completely get it. It's okay that you're scared and confused. It's okay, because it's how you learn. By making mistakes and struggling through them. So what about Dean is making you feel this way?
Lexi: I guess I just feel like I messed up. Like I wasn't doing my job in supporting him. I was the one he clung to when he needed support, you know? And I always did it… Until the concert. Until I made that damn promise. That's when I stopped doing what I needed to. That's when I started avoiding him. That's when I stopped understanding how he felt. That's why he got closer to Ashley. Because I wasn't there when he needed me. And now he doesn't care.
Hearing the sadness spill out with each word Lexi says, Heather feels like her heart begins to break for her. Quickly stepping in, she pulls Lexi into a tight and comforting hug. While it does help to make Lexi feel a little bit better, overall, it doesn't fix anything.
Heather: I know what you mean. You feel like this is all your fault right? I promise you girl, it's not your fault at all. Listen to me, okay? You are not the problem. You are not a burden to anyone. You are not some toy that people can throw away when you break. Nobody is like that.
Cameron: She's right. Everybody's got their issues, but we can't let them define us. Everyone makes mistakes, but we can't let them shape our future. We do that ourselves. Just because you messed up once, doesn't mean he hates you. Dean clearly isn't the type of person to act immaturely like that. You are just fine the way you are. Problems and all.
Lexi: Immature?
Heather: Absolutely, sweetie. Anyone who thinks like that is a child, okay! It's stupid! If there's anyone out there who actually thinks that people deserve to be left behind because of one stupid mistake, then they're either hiding behind their feelings, or they're a straight up dumbass!
Lexi: Why didn't I…
Lexi (Inner): WHY DIDN'T I TRY TO FIX IT!? WHY COULDN'T I JUST SEE THAT!?
Heather: Lexi?
Soon after Lexi's eyes widen, her face twists into an ugly cry. The caring embrace Heather offered to her has become a shield from her feelings as she clings to her and sobs into her chest.
Lexi (Inner): I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
Lexi: WHAT DID YOU WANT ME TO DO!? I COULDN'T DO ANYTHING! AND YET YOU SHOT ME IN THE HEART AND LEFT ME FOR DEAD! WHEN I WAS ALREADY STILL BLEEDING OUT!
Heather continues to hold her as she sobs, even if she doesn't fully understand what's wrong. Deep down, both her and Cameron know that Lexi won't tell them everything. But that doesn't matter as long as they can still be there for her, and help her let out those bottled up emotions.
Dean: So last day as a sixteen year old. How does it feel?
Ashley: I feel fine. If anything, I'd say I'm excited. I think this party will be amazing! The past few haven't been too memorable, so this'll be a nice change of pace. You know, having actual guests and all.
Dean: That's awesome. I'm sure it'll be a lot of fun.
The two walk side by side, but still keeping a respectful distance. Ashley is just a little bit ahead of Dean, not because of walking speed, but because Dean purposely slowed himself down so Ashley could lead the way properly. They don't really have a destination in mind. Instead, she's simply leading him down a path that she usually likes to take when she walks. The path takes about an hour and a half to fully walk, but there are a lot of shortcuts along the way in case you want to get home soon. Ashley –wanting to spend as much time with Dean as possible– chose to walk the full path.
Ashley: I sure hope so. It'll definitely be fun with you around though! …And Lexi too.
He squints his eyes a little bit. He trips over his feet but quickly catches his balance. Ashley turns to face him. Noticing the suspicious look on his face, she stops.
Ashley: Is something wrong?
Dean: I guess not really. I just think it's a little weird that you took a little pause before mentioning Lexi too. Do you have something against her or something like that?
Her fingers twitch –clearly wanting to scratch her arm– as a look of hurt and confusion forms on her face. It takes a second or two for her to collect her thoughts and give a proper response to his question.
Ashley: Of course not. What makes you think that?
Dean: Just that one reason I suppose. Or actually… It has kind of felt like you've been pulling me away from her this past week. It's definitely taken a toll on her. I care about her. She's my friend. I don't wanna have to take turns hanging out with you guys, so if something's up, please tell me.
Ashley (Inner): Does he know?
Ashley: Dean, I'm sorry. I wasn't trying to do that. I just…
Ashley (Inner): How can I say this without saying it?
Ashley: Lexi had been distancing herself, so I didn't really get a chance to know her like I did with you. I still feel like I barely know anything about you. I suppose I was being selfish and not letting you talk to your other friend all too much, huh? I'm really sorry about that. I just wanted to get to know you more. You're one of the first real friends I've ever had so… I guess I just got excited. I'm sure Lexi is a wonderful person, and I'd love to get to know her better though!
Dean: That's… Yeah. Okay yeah. That does really clear things up. But thanks for saying that. And don't worry about it, man. You'll have plenty of time to make up for it and get to know Lexi better. Hell, tomorrow's all about you. That's the perfect time to do it, I'd say.
Ashley: Yeah, you might just be right about that.
As they continue walking, Ashley returns to being just a few inches ahead of Dean. She actually likes this position, as Dean can't see her face like this. He can't see the blush that covers her face, and the smile that brightens up her eyes.
Ashley (Inner): So he doesn't know. I guess I succeeded in two ways then, huh? I managed to fall in love with him over the course of one week.
But are those feelings real? Can you really know if romantic love is real or not, if you've never experienced it before?