Current Alias:Boom Shakalaka Drip Supreme XL, Esq.Also Known As: "The Guy Who Made a Black Hole Trying to Cook Pasta"
Hi.It's Boom again.
Today, I woke up to cosmic hate mail.
Apparently, I've been officially cancelled by the Galactic Council of Reality™.You know. That bunch of floating heads who manage laws of physics, time, and anime release schedules?
Yeah, them.
I opened my interdimensional inbox and the subject line said:
"⚠️ BOOM: You're Done 💀 #DoNotLetHimHelp"
What did I do this time?
Oh, nothing major.
I just tried to help an old lady cross the street on Planet Yabbadoo-9.She smiled. I smiled.
Then gravity reversed and the planet turned inside out.
Apparently, that's a "violation of universal decency laws" now.
So I've been banned from:
All planets with oxygen
Public transportation
Heroic redemption arcs
And any anime convention within 3 light-years
They even shadowbanned me on Space Twitter.
@BoomTheHelper → Suspended.
Now my only followers are spambots and eldritch gods who think I'm a walking meme.
"Maybe you should take a break from helping,"the Council suggested.
You want me to stop helping?
Bro, I breathe helpful intentions.I exhale compassion and accidentally nuke wildlife sanctuaries.
You know how people say, "It's the thought that counts?"
Well in my case, the thought causes tectonic instability.
Also, I tried to write an apology letter to the universe.
It caught fire mid-sentence.The concept of the letter caught fire.Not the paper — the idea of the apology.
Even my guilt is weaponized.
Let's talk about cancel culture.
You think Earth cancel culture is bad?
Try getting cancelled by literal gods of existence.
They didn't just unfollow me.They exiled me from the plot.
Yes.
They kicked me out of my own narrative.
I now live in a filler episode that never ends.
So what did I do?
I crashed a galactic podcast.
They were recording a new episode:
"Top 10 Most Dangerous Beings in the Multiverse"
I burst through the wall mid-recording.
"PUT SOME RESPECT ON MY NAME," I screamed, accidentally deleting two co-hosts from existence.
Now I'm ranked #1.
(They didn't even finish the episode.)
Also, side note:
Dear reader, yes you —
I saw you post about me on your story.
"Boom is me fr.""I'd fix him 😭""He's so unhinged I want him."
Babe. You wouldn't survive a hug.
I once waved at someone and erased their family tree retroactively.
And don't think I forgot the author.
You're still here?Still writing this?
After giving me explosive sneeze powers, unstable emotions, and a tragic backstory no one can even read because the chapter combusted?
I hope your keyboard gets sticky from cold coffee.
I hope your favorite streamer spoils every show you love.
I hope your internet lags at 99% file upload.
Anyway.
I've been cancelled.But I'm not quitting.
I'm still going to help.
Because even if I'm a walking apocalypse wrapped in Gen Z drip and intrusive thoughts...
I believe I can still do good.
...Eventually.
After therapy. And possibly a new universe.
Next Chapter: "I Joined a Support Group for Accidental Planet Killers"
Spoiler: I explode the venue.
Reader Comment Highlights:
💬 "Boom just got cancelled harder than my student loan forgiveness"
💬 "He said 'hi' and the multiverse called security 😭"
💬 "Author fighting for his life in every chapter 💀💀💀"
💬 "I wish I had Boom's confidence. And trauma. Just not at the same time."