"It should have been me, he didn't deserve it he only wanted to save me, I was in the way, and it was all my fault. I don't blame anyone for my misfortune; if only I had listen he wouldn't have died that day" I said crying and wailing to Dr Sophie Anderson as she sat opposite the sofa I was staring at me with pity and sadness in her eyes like she was about to tear up too but she had more composure than I could ever have , this was very unexplainable because it was the first time I. was able to open up to anyone that wasn't my husband Jason, he and his parents were the only family I had left, when my husband suggested therapy I felt like he thought I was too much to handle or dealing with my pregnancy mood swings was too much for him , now that I was on my maternal leave it was hard to be home alone all day with no one to share my feelings with, Jason had extra work load with the upcoming elections and his father's constant nagging also coupled with the fact that I couldn't be at the office, I tried hardest to not bother him but he has always been the only one I trusted , he was my best friend, my work buddy and apparently the love of my life.
EARLIER THAT WEEK...
"Wake up sleepy head, I know you don't sleep this long, or do you just want to avoid your therapy session, the doctor said ..." I remember what the doctor said, I'm only doing this cos he said it is what's best for our baby girl, I'm not a crazy person to be getting suggestions like that and I sure as hell don't want to talk to anyone about my past, what matters is that I'm happy with you and I'll never hurt our baby, do you think I'll let her go through what I went through baby don't you trust me" "I do baby but that's not it at all , I just want you to have someone to talk to I understand why you don't want friends I get it but there's no harm in getting a therapist darling , please do this for our little family" Jason said as he kisses me on my forehead and hurriedly left the house. I sat on the bed for a minute thinking of what to do with my day since I wasn't allowed to work , I walked into the kitchen finally deciding I was going to make pancakes; Jason's driver Elliot walked into the kitchen as I was rounding up the pancakes to remind me that he was supposed to take me for my appointment which was in an hour, I asked if he would have some but he declined kindly and went to get the car ready for me , I got ready quickly and met up with him .
As I arrived at Dr Sophie's office, I was welcomed with the best smelling flowers I had ever seen, the room had a warm feeling to it making me feel just at home, her face wasn't any different, she had a very wide smile on her that made me think she was a serial killer in one of those horror movies I recently started loving "a serial killer in disguise , that would be a very nice plot twist" I thought to myself as I laughed , she gave me a confused look and then proceed to say " I want you think of me as a friend and share everything you feel or think with me no matter how bad it is" the smile disappeared from my face as she said that, "did I say something wrong Mrs. laurel " starting to think you are an imposter, if it really was my husband that hired you, I'm sure you would know better than to mention being friends with me, I would hate to waste your time so I would rather just leave right now" I stood up and was about to leave when she called out to me and said "I know how hard it must be for you to open up and I'm definitely not going to force you or rush you because I understand that it's a matter of the heart so I'll wait , whenever you are ready my office door is always open" I walked out of there feeling like I was going to have a panic attack again, I clenched on to my chest and slowly walked out of the building, luckily Elliot saw me and rushed to help me out , he carried me to the car and hurriedly left to the hospital.
I opened my eyes slowly, and saw Jason sitting by my bed looking horribly worried, everything was still in a blur and I could hear the machine beeping, sounding like a loud echo in my ear; Jason noticed me move and his worried face immediately turned to relief; he was saying something about him being sorry and how therapy was a bad idea and he never should have let me go, he kept saying sorry repeatedly but I stopped him to say I was fine and wanted to be home , he called the doctor in, we signed the discharge papers and left for home immediately. That night i kept tossing and turning on the bed for hours thinking about what the therapist said, could I really trust her? would she betray my trust, what exactly is the harm, I mean I could sue her if she let anything out, she would be the one to lose, with the thought in my mind I slept off.
"Good morning sunshine, I'll be leaving for work soon what is on our to-do list today, do we want to go shopping?" Jason said, the next set of words that came out of my mouth left him in shock "Hey babe, can you take me to see my therapist on your way to work" I said" I though you hated therapy now you want to go, is anyone threatening you? you know you can tell me baby" Jason laughed "will you take me or should I ask Elliot to" I said close to irritation "no worries babe I'll take you don't worry, freshen up and meet me downstairs he said with a smile on his face, I knew deep down that if I wanted to be a better mom I have to fix myself to give my daughter a better life and if talking to a random stranger would work then why not give it a try. I quickly got ready then went downstairs to join Jason "you look so beautiful my dear wife as always, oh what a lucky man I am" we got into the car and in no time, we got there, Jason dropped me off and left for work. I walked into my therapists' office and said," can you make me better? she turned and looked at me delighted to see me, she gave that wide smile again and I found myself smiling too as i sat down on a comfy looking couch directly in front of her single office chair. she started "where do we begin, obviously anywhere you are comfortable starting from, I have your folder here and it contains the summary of what your husband could tell me but we can only do this in two ways, we either talk like we are friends that pour out our feelings to each other or we can do this the professional way , I'll give you advises and all you know in a normal manner, the decision is all yours Mrs. Lorell " " Do we get to drop the formalities now Sophie" I said with a smirk, she smiled back " ready when you are. *RING* I looked down at my phone and saw that it was my father in-law, I picked up the phone excitedly "Hi dad, how are you? I wasn't expecting a call from you today, are you doing well? ", "I'm doing absolutely fine my dear, I wanted to inform you that I was going to stop by to see you and have dinner, I have really missed your cooking Michelle and Jason keeps going on and on about your pie recipe and I must have a taste". " Oh, dad how much I've missed you; I'll be delighted to see you today dad, how's mom doing? how's chemo? sorry so many questions, are you there dad?" " oh, I wanted to tell you at dinner but best I tell you now, I and Jason has decided to put mom out of her misery, she doesn't want to do chemo anymore and the doctors need us to sign the papers to unplug her , so we thought we could have one last dinner together as a family before we put her to rest". I sat there sad but unhinged, Jason's family has always been my only family and now I'm letting one more person I love go " ok dad, dinner at 7, love you" I hang up and sighed, I looked at Sophie and said I hope whatever you do for your client works, she set up an audio player and signaled for me to go on. *HI MY NAME IS MICHELLE LORELL AND THIS IS MY STORY*