"Ladies and gentlemen, we come in peace—*literally*! No one here has beef with your discount ninja clan!" Purple Iris (紫鸢) plastered a customer-service smile across her face, eyeing the sea of Tiger Gang grunts surrounding them. She elbowed Windy Qin (秦风), the smirking troublemaker beside her, and hissed, "Why are these goons acting like you're the last slice of pizza at a frat party?!"
Windy casually adjusted his hair—which, admittedly, *did* look like it belonged in a shampoo commercial—and declared, "Jealousy, obviously. My face could end wars. Tragic, really."
Purple Iris gagged. "Newsflash, Narcissus: They're here to *kill* you, not swipe right!"
The Tiger Gang's leader, a man dressed like a rejected Power Ranger, brandished his sword. "Surrender now, Pretty Boy Qin, or we'll turn you into a human shish kebab!"
Windy snorted. "*You're* surrounding *me*? Cute." He snapped his fingers, and his sword—Long Sky Divine Blade—split into nine glowing mini-swords that circled him like over-caffeinated fireflies. "Let's see who's got the better swarm!"
**Pew! Pew! Pew!**
The swords zipped through the air like laser-tag projectiles, mowing down grunts faster than a TikTok dance trend. Bodies dropped like flies at a bug zapper convention.
"Ding! Ding! Ding!" A cheery video-game voice chimed in Windy's head. **[+100 Villain Points! You've unlocked the 'Overkill' achievement!]**
Purple Iris gaped. "Are you *sure* you're not the protagonist of some anime?!"
"Please," Windy scoffed, flexing his sword-wielding hand. "Protagonists are *so* last season. I'm the guy who *steals* their spotlight."
The remaining Tiger Gang members, now down 232 comrades, collectively soiled their pants. "Retreat! Retreat! This dude's got cheat codes!!"
But just as Windy struck a victory pose, the sky darkened. Thirteen men in billowy robes descended on floating swords, their eyes gleaming like raccoons spotting a dumpster buffet.
"Uh-oh," Purple Iris whispered. "Level-Up Lurkers!"
These were Dao Comprehension cultivators—think Jedi Knights with worse fashion sense. Their leader, a man with a beard that defied gravity, pointed at Windy. "There he is! The walking loot box!"
Windy grabbed Purple Iris's hand. "Time to nope outta here!" They bolted toward a crumbling stone archway—the entrance to the infamous "Murder Funhouse," an ancient ruin rumored to eat idiots for breakfast.
The cultivators gave chase, hollering, "After him! That kid's bounty could buy a private island!"
---
Inside the ruins, the duo found themselves in a landscape ripped from a Studio Ghibli film—pristine forests, sparkling rivers, and a sky so blue it hurt. Purple Iris wheezed, "Why… does this place… look like a tourist trap?!"
"Because death loves irony," Windy mused, dodging a suspiciously cheerful butterfly. "Also, our 'friends' are incoming. Wanna play hide-and-seek?"
The cultivators crashed through the trees, robes snagging on branches. "You can't hide forever, Qin!"
"Watch me!" Windy whipped out a smoke bomb labeled **"Made in Wakanda"** and vanished in a puff of glitter.
Meanwhile, outside the ruins, a mob of bounty hunters arrived, salivating at the thought of claiming Windy's head. A scraggly mercenary yelled, "Who's ready to get rich or die tryin'?!" The crowd roared, charging into the ruins like Black Friday shoppers.
Back in the forest, Windy and Purple Iris huddled behind a boulder shaped like a giant duck. "This place is giving me *Squid Game* vibes," Purple Iris muttered, stomach growling like a disgruntled gremlin. "I'm *still* hungry! You owe me a chicken!"
Windy smirked. "Relax. This 'Murder Funhouse' is clearly a training arc for side characters. We'll be fine as long as—"
**THUD!**
A ten-foot stone golem stomped into view, its eyes glowing like Chernobyl fireflies.
"—we avoid the murder robots," Windy finished weakly.
Purple Iris facepalmed. "You just *had* to jinx it, didn't you?!"
The golem roared, swinging a fist the size of a Smart car. Windy's mini-swords buzzed to life. "Alright, gang! Let's show this Rock'em Sock'em reject who's boss!"
As the battle raged, Purple Iris spotted a glint in the distance—a golden chicken statue holding a scroll. "Windy! The exit's that way!"
"Great! After we wreck this walking landfill!" Windy backflipped onto the golem's head and jammed a sword into its skull. The machine exploded into rubble, revealing a hidden staircase.
"Ladies first!" Windy bowed dramatically.
Purple Iris groaned. "If there's a minotaur down there, I'm feeding *you* to it."
As they descended, the ruins shook with the screams of unfortunate bounty hunters. Windy grinned. "Told you this was a training arc. For *me*."
Somewhere in the shadows, a certain protagonist named Forest Three (林三) cackled, rubbing his hands like a cartoon villain. "Let's see how you handle *my* surprises, Windy Qin…"
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**Author's Note:** Think *Indiana Jones* meets *Deadpool*, but with more sword fights and snack cravings. Stay tuned for exploding pandas (maybe)!