I got nothing left there to take with me. Nobody can be happy with the memories, what they never wished to turn into a memory. Although I had been turning all the pages with an aim to search for the next chapter, the story proved me wrong. As the story never had any additional chapters. As I found the end.
They might write their new story after closing the book in front of me. I never went to the abandon place again, where I had been burned with curses. I had only one belief that we always hurt the one most we love. Maybe it was the solace I picked for the sake of my deservation. My soul had the privilege for seeking the faith, which certainly turned its pace, when it found the surroundings collapsed with grudges and rancors. I certainly took the chance, praying to God and worshiping, I might have the anticipation, what I have learned from scripture, the result of awaiting brings happiness. In the end, I had come to know what the actual thing I had been waiting for was for so long. That was a scratch in my soul and my beliefs. It was just turning into a difficult path. The more I extend my steps, the harder it becomes.
Beginning of year 2021,
I noticed typical changes in his paces. I was keeping my eyes on him. He had not only suffered from physical condition but also mental. I have talked with the psychiatrist, who visited to check him. He suggested that I find the reason for his depression. He also alerted me without asking I would have to notify him. I understood back then. But it was tough to understand the reason. I realised that he was suffering from anxieties, but the reason was unclear to me. I could not even ask him directly. But the doctor told me to keep it up and wait. He believed Neymar would tell me by himself. But I could say I never found it.
'Luka, my darling, why don't you understand you're spoiling our family's reputation? You were never allowed to pack your things and stay there for months. Never. You should keep in mind that if anybody gets to know how much the pressure would be on your father, your uncle and, and your cousins.' 'Mom, he is my friend-' 'I do not care who is your friend or not. Luka, look at me. I am your mother. What do you think I don't understand your changes? What is going on in your mind would never be accepted by this family. I am waring you. You've already wasted the precious time behind the worsened one. Darling, I can never accept the person who will be treating you the way you don't deserve. I feel the pain in your heart. I can not let it be more. Now you've come back and promised me, you won't go there....'
I wish I had promised then. I wish I never escaped from my home and flew back to Paris. Fly back to the place what was never mine. Never allowed me to put it after my name. The mercy was yet to be shown. How I put all the words of my family members behind. How I tolerate their pains, their sufferings, and the grief created after my departure. Now, they have forgiven me. But I will never forgive myself for the deeds I done, for the mistakes I did, for the slights I showed.
But it was true I never was his friend. Never even a teammate. Just he was my someone from the heart, and I took everything to fill the emptiness. But it was still not enough. It was alike to a licked jar. The more you pour water, the more it will drip. Something was between the sky and the ground. Whether to walk or to fly. Maybe the reason was just the reflection, bothering or, was the opposite direction where he would never take me. All along, he took me to the places where I had never been. The place filled with faiths and desires. The place has everything for the beginning. I never saw a shadow. I never saw a darkness. Just a blessing of fidelity. I closed my eyes and felt him. And until he did the same but never saw me.