The Thing He Avoided
"Subaru, don't think too much... You're the hero who saved everyone."
After a brief silence and an exchange of goodnights, Reinhild left the room.
Everything seemed so normal, yet both the Subaru watching and Echidna noticed the change in Subaru's energy and spirit.
The fictional world continued to display Subaru's past.
He hosted a Snow Festival to dispel people's sadness, went to the capital to train as a Royal Guard, and slowly honed himself.
There was the birthday party Reinhild and the others held for him in the capital, Reinhild learning how to play with cats, picking a cat café to go on a date with Reinhild, and even a dodgeball tournament with friends at the knight corps training ground...
It was the complete opposite of the despair and pain that had just been shown — a past filled with happiness, ease, and joy.
But Subaru's expression gradually darkened.
He finally realized it — or rather, he could no longer avoid it.
That's right — ever since that war ended, he hadn't stepped foot in Astrea territory even once.
Every time, it was Reinhild who sought him out. Even if he was in a probationary period, there's no way he had no days off at all.
Yet in those two months, he used his breaks to search the capital for dating spots, to train, or even to lie in the grass and daydream — but never once chose to go to Astrea to visit Reinhild.
Saying it was due to being busy training was just an excuse.
The real reason... was that he was afraid to set foot on that land.
"You've finally noticed. That conversation was the starting point of your escape. Now, onto the next scene."
Echidna snapped her fingers.
The scenery rapidly changed, becoming a montage of scenes between Subaru and Reinhild.
"You said it was because you're weak and of low status that you didn't confess.
That's a lie, isn't it? As someone from another world, do you really care that much about status differences?
No, you don't.
Even if the other person is a royal candidate, as long as there's an opening, you'd charge forward with a love offensive without hesitation."
Echidna spoke confidently, and Subaru clenched his fists.
Noticing his dissatisfaction, she looked at the next scene and continued.
"As for being weak — yes, you've got an inferiority complex due to your past in Japan. But was that really the reason you couldn't confess at this point?"
The image showed Subaru being honored for his first successful mission as a knight in the "Black Removal" incident, then defeating a Royal Guard in a sword duel, and later, taking down an entire squad of Fingers by himself.
"Or maybe you planned to use this next scene as an excuse?"
The next image showed a date disrupted by three street punks. Before Subaru could speak, Echidna went on.
"Did you really lose to three small-time punks? You know that's not true.
Even if they hadn't shown up, the date wouldn't have ended any differently.
Because your excuse of being 'too weak' was just too perfect.
After all, it's Reinhild we're talking about.
Even someone like Petelgeuse, who surrounded the Sanctuary and left you helpless, would probably be cut down with a single sword strike by her.
So no matter when, you can always explain everything away by saying, 'I'm still weak.'"
Subaru finally dropped his head, powerless.
That's right — he knew "weakness" was an excuse he found.
A deeply dishonest one.
Because compared to Reinhild, who could really claim not to be weak?
"Yeah, I noticed long ago. After all, I had Rem, Ferris, and so many of Reinhild's followers by my side.
I noticed Reinhild's feelings for me long ago.
I also understood — I understood Reinhild didn't care about our difference in status.
I understood that in this kingless country, there was no real obstacle between us."
"The only obstacle... was my own heart."
Subaru smiled bitterly at himself.
The fictional world shifted rapidly with Subaru's thoughts, returning once again to the night the war had just ended.
Even though he said goodnight to Reinhild, how could Subaru have slept easily that night?
Unable to sleep, he stared out the window — and he saw it.
He saw Reinhild secretly mourning the dead.
It wasn't Reinhild's usual appearance, but Subaru recognized the face from a past loop — it was Reinhild.
Reinhild, crying — a rare sight.
"Winston — to her, someone more important than family. To you, your first teacher, your first friend."
Subaru nodded at Echidna's words as he looked at the image of Natsuki Subaru pressing a knife to his own throat.
He saw himself lower the blade, powerless, crying.
"I'm sorry... I'm sorry... I really did my best…"
He watched himself apologize again and again.
Subaru remained silent for a long time, then finally spoke again.
"I was scared. I didn't know what kind of contract Roswaal and I had. I didn't dare gamble on whether I'd be able to convince Rem again in the next loop. I didn't even know if there would be a next loop... I was afraid to face the unknown."
"I used Reinhild's words to convince myself — to convince myself that I was a hero, that this was the minimum necessary sacrifice.
I used what I understood about Winston to convince myself that warriors seek a glorious death, that Winston died satisfied."
"But you can't completely lie to yourself.
The sorrowful atmosphere was constantly reminding me that I got innocent people killed.
So I held the Snow Festival to dispel that atmosphere — but people's gratitude only pierced me more deeply. I... I'm not a hero. I'm the source of disaster."
Subaru looked at himself in his knight uniform.
"I didn't become a knight just because I was weak. There was guilt. There was escapism. I escaped to the capital, but then the royal selection began, and I became Felt's exclusive knight. I should have gone with Felt back to Astrea territory."
"I didn't want to go back. I didn't dare to go back. So I ran again — to Roswaal's domain."
"There were times I thought this was all punishment for me.
When I saw Otto planning and strategizing, I wasn't happy.
Deep down, I thought Otto was a schemer.
Why a schemer, and not smart? Because Reinhild is unbelievably upright.
She wouldn't resort to Otto's tricks. Thinking that made it easier for me to deal with my regret — regret for not borrowing Otto's intelligence back then."
"I didn't even want to stay involved with Ram or Rem.
If I could, I wanted Rem to disappear from my life just like Ram.
Because every time I see them, I think of Meili. I even think of Elsa. I... I..."
Tears fell despite himself. Subaru poured out all the ugly thoughts that had filled his heart to Echidna.
Finally, he faced all the things he had been avoiding.