The elevator door opened into a room so aggressively beige it made Jax's soul itch. The floor was carpeted in corporate indifference, and the fluorescent lights hummed with the energy of a thousand passive-aggressive emails.
Emily blinked. "This place smells like lawsuits and despair."
A sign above the front desk read: Welcome to the Office of Eternal Litigation - Dimension B Branch. Beneath it, in smaller print: Now Offering Soul Severance Packages!
Rafe wrinkled his nose. "Ugh. Lawyers. Even hell has its limits."
A demon in a pinstriped suit with seven arms and too many teeth approached them, holding a clipboard made from bound contracts and the screams of interns.
"Welcome! Please sign in, submit your case file, and prepare for your Deposition of Doom. If you require counsel, we recommend sacrificing a goat or using our mobile app."
Jax leaned toward Emily. "Tell me again why we agreed to this mission?"
Emily pulled out the flaming fax. "Chaos Initiative orders. We're supposed to retrieve an artifact—The Red Tape of Binding. It's being held here, guarded by bureaucratic protocols and literal red tape."
"Let me guess," Rafe said, eyeing the security camera that blinked like a judgmental librarian. "We can't just walk in and take it?"
"We have to out-lawyer the lawyers," Emily replied grimly.
Jax groaned. "Oh no. We're going to have to argue."
Phase One: The Waiting Room Trials
They sat in mismatched chairs that somehow gave everyone back pain, staring at an ancient TV playing a grainy training video hosted by a minor demon named Gary.
"Welcome to HellCorp Legal Division! Here, justice is a suggestion and liability is a myth!" Gary chirped with false cheer.
Next to them, a zombie in a neck brace muttered, "I've been waiting since 1837. Still haven't seen a paralegal."
"It's a trap," Emily whispered. "The room eats time."
Rafe poked a clock on the wall. It turned to dust.
"Okay, enough of this," Jax stood and strode to the receptionist, a banshee in a headset chewing invisible gum.
"Hi, we'd like to file a motion to access the artifact storage."
The banshee sighed through her eye sockets. "Form 66A-B. Triplicate. In blood. Do you have an appointment?"
Jax paused. "...Yes. Under 'The Sexy Chaos Survivors.'"
The banshee checked her ledger. Blinked. "...You're late."
Emily grabbed Jax's arm. "Go with it."
Phase Two: The Deposition Arena
The trio was led into a courtroom carved from obsidian and broken dreams. A flaming gavel sat on the judge's bench, and the bailiff was a three-headed dog wearing glasses.
The opposing counsel: Lucinda Litigatrix, a demon with red stilettos, ten binders, and a voice like a poisoned martini.
"Let's begin the deposition," Lucinda purred. "State your claim."
Emily stood. "We're here to retrieve the Red Tape of Binding on behalf of the Chaos Initiative."
Lucinda smiled. "Ah, an illegal acquisition attempt disguised as due process. Delightful. I OBJECT."
Lightning cracked. A swarm of flying subpoenas divebombed them.
Rafe pulled out a shield made of old memos. "Counter-objection! Your paperwork's outdated!"
Lucinda snarled. "Irrelevant!"
Jax stood up. "Your honor, if I may—"
The judge, a writhing mass of contracts in a powdered wig, slammed the gavel. "Speak only in rhymed legal verse."
Jax groaned. "Oh no."
Phase Three: Rhymed Legal Verse
"To claim the tape, we stake our plea,
By ancient code and clause decree,
This trial's a sham, this court's a joke,
Your rules are bent, your laws are broke!"
Gasps echoed.
Lucinda countered:
"You trespass fools, with baseless claim,
Your Chaos badge is not your name,
You flirt with fate, with bold deceit,
Prepare to face judicial heat!"
Flames erupted. Jax was sweating.
Emily whispered, "Tag me in."
She stepped forward:
"Your Honor, Sir, or oozy blob,
We know your court is quite a job,
But justice here has long been stalled,
And Lucinda's logic? Deeply flawed."
Lucinda screeched. "You dare impugn my legal flair?!"
Rafe added, "I second that with spicy flair!"
The judge rumbled. "I'll allow it."
Phase Four: Sudden Trial by Combat
Lucinda tossed off her stilettos and summoned a glowing contract sword. "Fine! Let's settle this old school!"
Emily summoned a binder of cursed citations. Rafe armed himself with staplers of truth. Jax... picked up the flaming gavel.
The courtroom exploded into chaos.
Lucinda screamed, "I move to STRIKE!"
Jax blocked with the gavel. "Motion denied!"
Emily launched paperclips like ninja stars. Rafe body-slammed a bailiff.
They fought through clauses, battled over definitions, and waded through acronyms of doom.
Finally, Jax pinned Lucinda under a pile of noncompliance reports.
The judge declared, "Verdict: For the Chaos Trio. Retrieve the artifact and go before I file a grievance."
The Red Tape of Binding
In the vault, wrapped in layers of bureaucratic red ribbon, sat the artifact: a roll of tape glowing with cosmic power.
Emily unwrapped it carefully. "One wrong move and we could be audited into another dimension."
Rafe looked at the label. "'Property of Supreme Order Dept.' That explains the vibe."
As soon as Emily touched it, a hum of chaotic energy surged.
Jax frowned. "What now?"
Emily smiled. "Now we run."
Behind them, alarms blared. An army of compliance officers rose.
Jax groaned. "Of course."
They sprinted down the hallway, dodging paperwork missiles and stamp-wielding demons.
Back in the elevator, panting, clutching the tape, Emily said, "This better be worth it."
Jax grinned. "Hey, at least it wasn't Casual Friday again."
Rafe collapsed in the corner. "I swear, next time, we rob a nice evil corporation."
End of Chapter 7
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