The Common Sense Condiment—Colonel Mustard, "Un((i))fy" Edition
"Unity, Isolation, and the Irony of 'Un((i))fy': A Rally for the Already-Rallied"
Introduction: Welcome to the Parade of Paradox
Gather 'round, seekers of solidarity! Today's lesson comes courtesy of the word "un((i))fy"—a clever little puzzle hiding "uni" (one) and "fy," with a big, bold "I" right in the middle. Because nothing says "togetherness" quite like putting yourself front and center, then building a wall around your own little circle. In today's world, everyone claims to want unity—just as long as you're already singing from the same hymnal, wearing the same colors, and waving the same flags.
The Rally of the Like-Minded
"We want unity!"
Translation: "We want everyone who already agrees with us to show up, hold signs, and nod in perfect harmony."
"Join our movement!"
But first, fill out this questionnaire to make sure your opinions, background, and social media history are in lockstep with the group.
"Everyone is welcome!"
As long as you're already on the invite list, wear the right color, and don't ask too many questions.
Colonel's Tip: If your "open invitation" comes with a pre-screening, maybe it's not as open as you think. Unity isn't about exclusivity; it's about embracing differences and building bridges, not fences.
The Demonstration of Division
"Let's show the world we're united!"
So we'll march down Main Street, chanting slogans that make everyone outside our group feel like they're on the wrong side of the barricade.
"Strength in numbers!"
But only if those numbers are carefully curated, counted, and color-coded for maximum optics.
"Diversity is our strength!"
Unless you bring a different perspective—then you're "part of the problem" and politely asked to leave.
Colonel's Tip: If your unity demonstration looks more like a private club, you might be missing the point. True unity doesn't require uniformity; it thrives on the messy, beautiful diversity of real life.
The Exclusionary Inclusion
"We're here to build bridges!"
But only to the neighborhoods we already like.
"Let's have a dialogue!"
But only if you agree not to challenge any of our talking points.
"Inclusive spaces for all!"
Except for anyone who disagrees, questions, or dares to suggest another way.
Colonel's Tip: If your bridge only leads back to your own front door, it's not much of a bridge. Real inclusion means welcoming the uncomfortable conversations, the dissenting voices, and the people who don't fit neatly into your narrative.
The Social Media Circle
"Let's connect!"
By unfollowing, blocking, and reporting anyone who doesn't echo our hashtags.
"Spread the word!"
But only to the echo chamber, where every retweet is a round of applause and every dissenting comment is deleted.
"Viral unity!"
As long as it's trending in our bubble and no one outside hears it.
Colonel's Tip: If your "community" can fit in a group chat, you might not be changing the world just yet. Unity isn't about echo chambers; it's about building conversations that cross divides.
The Colonel's Real Lesson
In the great quest to un((i))fy, it's easy to end up isolating—singling out, siloing, and surrounding yourself with people who look, think, and act just like you. The loudest calls for "togetherness" often come from the smallest circles, and the biggest banners for "inclusion" are sometimes hung over the narrowest doorways. True unity isn't about finding people who already agree—it's about making room for the ones who don't, listening when it's uncomfortable, and building something bigger than yourself.
Closing Thought
So, would-be un((i))fiers, before you print the t-shirts and plan the rally, ask yourself: Are you building a bigger table, or just a higher fence? In the end, the only thing more backwards than a divided world is a unity movement that can't see past its own reflection. Don't just un((i))fy—invite, include, and actually come together.