The sky tore open like a cheap shirt at a bodybuilding contest.
There it was.
A chrome titan descending from orbit. Smooth, cylindrical, humming with the quiet malice of a Dyson set to "genocide."
NOW DESCENDING: PLANET SUCK™ MODEL 9000.PRIMARY FUNCTION: COSMIC CLEANING.TARGET: KAZ (REASON: TOO MUCH CHAOS).
Vex blinked up at the sky. "Is that a… vacuum cleaner planet?"
Toasty scanned it.
CORRECTION: INDUSTRIAL MEGA-VACUUM WITH SENTIENCE.NAME: BRUCE.
It had a name.
It also had… a mustache painted on the hull.
Suddenly, a massive booming voice echoed from the heavens.
"YOU MADE A MESS, BOY.""AND BRUCE… DON'T LIKE MESS."
Kaz narrowed his eyes. "Okay. One: rude. Two: if you're gonna suck me into oblivion, at least buy me dinner first."
Bruce was not amused.
A beam of light shot from his undercarriage, instantly vacuuming up an entire mountain range. Birds, trees, confused llamas—gone in a blink.
Vex grabbed my collar. "WHAT THE HELL DID YOU DO?!"
"I made toast," I said, holding up Toasty like Simba from The Lion King.
Toasty beeped proudly.
I AM THE REASON.
The world shook as Bruce activated Turbo Suction Mode.
Everything started levitating. Cars. Rocks. My dignity.
WARNING: ENTERING SPAGHETTIFICATION ZONE.
"Okay," I said, clutching the ground. "That's not a good word to hear outside of pasta night."
We needed a plan.
Which meant doing the dumbest possible thing.
"Vex," I said. "Launch me into the beam."
She looked at me like I'd licked a blender.
"You'll die!"
"I'm already half-dead. Fifty more percent and I'm a legend."
She sighed. "You're an idiot."
"I know."
Toasty beeped.
APPROVAL: 110%. LOADING 'SACRIFICIAL HERO THEME.mp3'.
I rocketed into the air like a dollar-store Iron Man, propelled by Toasty's side thrusters. The wind roared past me. My Core surged—Stage 3: Chaotic Entropy Pulse.
My fist sparked with unstable cosmic power.
I aimed for the beam. The swirling vortex of pure vacuum energy.
Then Bruce spoke again.
"YOU'RE DUST, SON."
"No," I screamed.
"I'M THE DIRT UNDER YOUR COUCH."
My fist connected with the beam—
And the universe broke.
Inside Bruce… was a white void of infinite bleach.
I landed on a floating soap bubble. It squeaked.
Then… I saw him.
The janitor.
Tall.
Glasses.
Mop.
Aura of eternal disappointment.
Mr. Scrubbington.Bruce's inner AI.The final cleaner of chaos.
"Did you wipe your feet before entering?" he asked.
I grinned.
"Nope."
Then I punched him with a laugh so hard it created a black hole made of sarcasm.
Outside, Bruce began to implode.
He hiccupped cosmic bleach.
Then exploded into glitter and dust bunnies.
Vex watched from the ground, jaw hanging.
Toasty beeped, solemnly.
R.I.P. BRUCE. GONE, BUT NOT SUCKED.
And I?
I fell from the sky.
Laughing.
On fire.
Holding Mr. Scrubbington's mop like a trophy