Allow me to introduce myself. I am ******** or Random Omniscient Being number 37. You can call me Rob for short, as at this point my name probably sounds like noise.
Oh! I still haven't restored your body. Sorry, it has been a while since I last had such a captive audience, I let myself take advantage of it to lay everything out before you could ask any questions.
SNAP
"WHAT THE ACTUAL... Why am I yelling?" Better question, "Why did I die?"
It's a side effect of your recent experience. I went ahead and optimized your mental recovery so that we could get to the interesting parts. As to your death, I must apologize. Not because it was my fault, because it wasn't. No, my apology is because... I don't know.
And isn't that interesting?
"Huh, w... wait, what? WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU DON'T KNOW?!" Oops, I didn't mean to yell again. "My apologies. I'm having a little trouble maintaining my volume."
No worries. Like I said, it's a side effect. I'll give you a moment to collect your thoughts and examine your subconscious to start working on your custom system for your first wish.
"I haven't wished for anything though?"
😂😂😂 Random. Omnipotent. Being.
Sorry, I looked through your life record and observed everything you ever experienced. Honestly, the fact that you were alive as long as you were is wild. Sure, no one was actively trying to kill you, and you didn't go out of your way looking to get killed, but you seemed to have a natural coin flip luck that when it flipped lucky just balanced the scale. Everything you got sick with, other people who got the same strain died. It's like you experienced miracle after miracle and as a result struggled across the board with things that came naturally to everyone else.
"Wait I thought I was exaggerating with all of that. Are you telling me that I should have been able to just do that stuff? Force my right eye to focus, just pay attention to what was directly in front of me? Sit quietly? Control my temper without closing off my emotions? Keep my volume at a constant level when I got excited. LITERALLY EVERYTHING I STRUGGLED WITH WAS DUE TO ME NOT DYING?!"
Well, no. Not everything. You did have ADHD. Well into your adulthood, which is rare in itself. Then your pineal gland was partially calcified from the fluoride your government put into the water. Then there's the blue light that interrupted your sleep patterns as well as the constant propaganda you were subjected to as you grew up, and then even worse after you were old enough to vote. Honestly the Creator of your universe has a really great plan for it, otherwise I'd have to lodge a complaint for how Americans are being treated by their own government.
Shock. That's all I'm feeling right now. Is this "guy" for lack of a better descriptor in my mind telling me that not only are most of the "conspiracy theories" true but that there is an all powerful creator over my universe? Gulp
Relax. You don't have to worry about that anymore. Besides, if things go well, you should be able to get back home eventually. You'll just have to take the long way back. Good news though. Your universe is a Prime created by the Creator Himself. And before you ask why that's good news-
A flicker of golden light and the sudden scent of ozone interrupted the moment. A new voice echoed from the edge of perception, calm and dry.
"We've done this already."
The new figure stepped out of the impossible, robes fluttering around him despite the lack of breeze. The air rippled with old magic.
"Merlin," R.O.B. muttered. "You know this is my domain."
"And yet you keep repeating yourself." Merlin's tone was the kind of exhausted you'd expect from someone who had once lectured the same three students for forty years. "Just send the rest of the lore dump to the auxiliary chapter. He can read it later."
"But the rules-"
"Are on file. Indexed, hyperlinked, and annotated with emojis," Merlin said with a pointed glance.
Josh blinked between them. "Wait, Merlin Merlin? Like Arthur's Merlin? Real Merlin?"
Merlin inclined his head slightly. "Technically. Though that name's become more trouble than it's worth."
R.O.B. sighed with the weight of at least six cosmic eons. "Fine. Rules, power structures, system configuration, and banned nonsense gone. It's in the auxiliary chapter."
📎 See Auxiliary Chapter for full info-dump. ☕ (you've been warned)
"Thank you," Merlin said, not unkindly. "Now, let the boy make his wish."
Josh took a deep breath, still reeling from the sheer absurdity but rolling with it because really, what else could he do?