"Aiko, I have to tell you something"
Aiko look at me, her expression a mix of confusion and concern.
My heart pounding so hard I thought she can hear it..
"I..."
The world can't get out of my mouth. My hands were trembling as I tugged her sleeve. I mean what if she didn't like me back, what should I do then..
"I like you.." I finally said.
I can feel the world around me stop moving, I look at her and she made looks surprised.. I can't seem to look at her for a long time so I look down again..
"I like you, Aiko.. I like you a lot.. Not as a friend.. I like you so much it hurts my heart when I see you happy with someone else.. I know it's selfish and I also know it's weird for me because girls can't have relationship with each other.. but I can't just stop it.. "
I can feel the room getting heavier each word I speak.
"I want to study with you not because of the exams.. but because I want to be together with you.. only you.."
I forced myself to look at her and smiled.
"So... I'm sorry if that makes you uncomfortable.."
Aiko didn't say anything.. she just stand there, her expression is unreadable.. a mix of confusion, surprised and something I don't know how to call it..
"Yume.." She said softly.
I can hear her voice tremble.
"I.. I didn't know you feel that way."
I laughed awkwardly, looking away.
"Of course you didn't... I didn't want to make things awkward between us."
The room went silent again..
Aiko looked down gripping her own sleeve.
"I'm sorry. I... I don't know what to say right now."
It hurts, I guess it's the wrong choice for me to confess my feeling to her now..
"It's okay.." I said quietly. "You don't have to say anything.. I just wanted you to know.."
"See you tomorrow, Aiko." I smiled even though it hurt.
And then I walked out before my tears can fall.
It hurts.. I lied about I just wanted her to know.. I want her to be mine but.. I can't tell her that.. It just made me more selfish..
I keep walking, I don't even know where I'm heading but..
... I'm heading home.
I can't.. I just can't If I keep wandering outside It makes me remember all the fun things we do.. I can't help but feeling hurt..
Love is complicated aren't they..
Love can make you happy but they can also hurt you..
My head hurts.. I really need to stop crying, it makes my head hurts.. but.. I can't.. I can't stop crying, I don't know how to.. I..
I found my self in front of my house.. I already arrived without me noticing..
"I'm home..."
It seems mom still at work.. thank god, I really don't want her to ask me what happened..
Huh... I wish I didn't confess earlier.. Maybe I should waited a bit longer.. or.. I didn't confess to her at all..
Ugh.. I drop my bag beside the bed and then fall face first onto the sheets.
I squeeze the pillow and bury my face in it.
"I'm so stupid.." My voice cracks.
Maybe I shouldn't have confessed.. Maybe I should've waited.. Maybe… maybe she would've eventually liked me if I didn't say anything.
Ugh...
I pull my knees closer and hug them.. I feel like my body is small.. like it's fragile..
Huff..
I'm not in a mood to change my uniform so I just let them be.
I hope mom doesn't get mad for this..
My head hurts.. maybe from crying too long..
"Why did I think she would like me back.." My voice crack as I say that.
I tried to wipe my tears but they keep coming.. I'm so tired of crying but my body keeps doing it on its own.
Maybe I should get to sleep earlier than usual..
PING!
Huh...
Who send me a messages.. well it's either Aiko or my family.. ugh.. I don't really have the mood to answer that..
Oh... It's from Aiko...
I turn my phone face down on the table.
I can't... I just... can't read anything from her right now.
I'm gonna head to sleep.. maybe tomorrow everything will stop hurting.
---
Ah... It's morning already..
I say that as I found myself walking towards school.
I really didn't want to go to school this day, but mom keep insisting me to go to school.. Mom also scolded me for sleeping using my uniform.
I can't tell mom that I just got my heart broken. she also going to be surprised that I like girls.
What should I do... I don't think I can face her now.. Not after that of course..
As I change my shoes to indoor one I see her.
Ah...
We looked each other in the eyes but that didn't last long. I was the first to look away.. I really want to go away from her.. for now at least.
"Yume..." Aiko said as she holding my hand.
... I can't.. I don't think I can handle this.. can someone let me out of this.. I'm scared..
"w-what.." I said, I don't know why but my throat felt hurt.
"I... I have something to say.." Aiko said quietly.
I can feel her finger tremble as they hold mine.
And also... I don't know if I can hear that now.