Azra'il - POV
"WE'RE HERE!"
Natsu's triumphant shout, miraculously recovered the exact second the last screech of the train ceased, woke me from a meditative state that I, out of pride, refused to call a "nap," but which, in practice, involved my eyes being closed and a complete absence of interaction with the outside world. A fleeting and welcome peace.
Erza, who until that moment had been a warm and surprisingly comfortable weight against my shoulder, sat up straight beside me with a small start, blinking sleepily, her scarlet hair slightly messy on one side where her head had rested. It took a few seconds, delicious seconds in which I saw her completely disarmed by the haze of sleep, for her to process where she was, who she was with, and how she was.
And then, the blush. It started on her cheeks and spread like a wildfire to the roots of her hair.
"D-did… did I fall asleep on you?" Her voice came out hoarse, a mixture of sleep, surprise, and pure, embarrassed horror.
"Yes," I replied, with a simplicity I knew would disarm her even more.
"F-for how long?" she stammered, already starting to pull away, as if my shoulder had turned to incandescent lava.
"An hour. Maybe a little more," I lied blatantly. It had been almost two, but I didn't need to fuel her breakdown. "You looked like you needed it."
"A-and you didn't wake me?! I… I could have been drooling!" The idea seemed to horrify her more than facing a demon.
"You were comfortable. And you didn't drool," I replied, omitting the part where she had murmured my name a few times. Some things were ammunition to be saved for a more… opportune occasion. "Consider it a temporary truce in our war of provocations."
Erza opened her mouth. Closed it. The red on her face intensified, becoming a work of art of shame. "I'M GETTING THE BAGS!" she announced, as if she were declaring war, and practically ran out of the carriage, nearly tripping over her own feet. Adorable.
Lucy looked at me over the book she was pretending to read, and that insufferably smug and full-of-"I-told-you-so" smile was back on her face.
"Not a single word," I warned, my voice a low, dangerous murmur.
"I wasn't going to say anything," she replied, turning a page with an innocence that didn't fool even Happy.
"Your face is saying it. In capital letters and with exclamation marks."
"My face is innocent and merely reflects the beauty of blossoming friendships."
"Your face is irritating and is about to reflect my hand if it doesn't stop."
"That's rude."
"It's honest. Now let's go," I said, getting up with a sigh. "Before Erza, in her state of panic, requips a cannon to move her bags and destroys the entire platform by accident."
Hosenka Village was, to my slight disappointment (I always root for a little chaos), exactly as Erza had described. And irritatingly beautiful. The village spread across the valley between two majestic, pine-covered mountains, a cluster of dark wooden buildings that looked like they had come straight out of an old painting, the kind you see in dusty museums. Curved roofs of dark tile shone under the afternoon sun, and walls of wood and translucent rice paper lined polished stone streets, clean to an almost suspicious level. Red and gold paper lanterns hung from posts, still unlit, but promising a spectacle of warm lights when night fell.
The constant steam from the hot springs rose in lazy columns throughout the village, creating a permanent mist that gave the place an ethereal, almost mystical atmosphere, and a lingering smell of sulphur that, unfortunately, reminded me of some of the less pleasant hells I've had the displeasure of visiting in past lives. But here, the smell of sulphur mixed with something floral, sweet, perhaps cherry blossoms, although I knew it wasn't the season. Magic, probably. Or very good air fresheners.
Arched red wooden bridges crossed small, murmuring streams that cut through the village. Immaculate zen gardens were hidden between the buildings, with carefully placed stones in a sea of white sand, raked into hypnotic patterns that would calm anyone's soul, except mine, which preferred a good chaos to feel at home.
It was beautiful. It was peaceful. It was terribly, deadly, un-terrifying.
"But… where's the monster?" Natsu asked, the raw, childish disappointment in his voice. He had his hands on his hips, his dragon's eyes scanning every corner of the picturesque village as if expecting a horrible creature with tentacles and a legendary bad breath to jump out from behind a cherry blossom tree. "Where are the sinister shadows? The screams of terror in the night? The giant footprints?"
"It's three in the afternoon, Natsu," Lucy pointed out, with the patience of someone explaining to a child why they can't have sweets before lunch. "Maybe the monsters only work the night shift? Union rules, that sort of thing."
"Monsters have business hours and labour rights?" Natsu looked genuinely confused by the idea.
"Apparently, the ones in this village do," I murmured, already feeling that this mission would be a complete and utter waste of my precious time.
A small, elderly woman, bent with age, passed by us carrying a basket of fresh vegetables, radishes, carrots, and something green and leafy I didn't recognise. She wore a simple blue cotton kimono, and her grey hair was tied in a perfect bun. Her face was a beautiful network of wrinkles, but her dark, bright eyes were lively and incredibly curious.
She stopped upon seeing us, a bunch of misfits in strange clothes, one with pink hair, another inexplicably shirtless, a redhead surrounded by a mountain of luggage, a blonde trying to look normal, a floating blue cat, and me, and she smiled. A genuine, toothless smile, but full of warmth.
"Well, well. Welcome to Hosenka Village! You must be the mages from the famous Fairy Tail guild, am I right?"
"MA'AM!" Natsu ran up to her, stopping inches away with the intensity of a miniature hurricane, which didn't even make the old lady blink. "WHERE IS THE TERRIBLE MONSTER WITH GLOWING EYES THAT IS TERRORISING THE VILLAGE?!"
The lady didn't seem the least bit intimidated. She blinked calmly, adjusting the basket on her arm. "Ah, my young man, you must be talking about the… 'problem' on the north road." She waved her free hand with a dismissive gesture. "Nonsense. Rubbish. It's probably just old Kumataro the bear who comes down from the mountains at this time of year looking for blackberries. You know what bears are like, they eat everything they see. A bit dramatic, Kumataro, but harmless."
"But the mission… the mission said 'terror', 'shadows', 'disappearances'!" Natsu insisted, looking betrayed.
"Mayor Matsuda wrote the mission request, dear," she said, and leaned forward conspiratorially, lowering her voice. "And, between you and me? Matsuda-san is a very, very dramatic man. Last week he thought he was being haunted by vengeful ghosts because his wife went to visit her mother in the next town and forgot to leave his dinner ready."
"But ghosts are REAL!" Natsu said, his eyes shining with a new hope.
"Not those ghosts, my young man. His wife just wanted a week of peace away from his complaints and his snoring." The lady smiled. "Or two weeks. Or, who knows, maybe she won't even come back. No one here in the village would blame her, poor thing."
And with that, she continued on her way down the stone street, her kimono swaying gently, leaving behind a dumbfounded Natsu with an expression of deep and absolute existential betrayal.
"…So… there's no real monster?" His voice came out small, broken, almost childish.
"It seems the only monster here is a mayor with an overactive imagination and, possibly, a marriage in crisis," Gray commented, unable to hide a smug and irritating smile.
"BUT I WANTED TO FIGHT A GIANT MONSTER!" Natsu bellowed at the heavens, like a child who didn't get the present he wanted.
"Life, my dear and fiery friend, is full of disappointments. Get used to it," I said, already turning away.
"SHUT UP, YOU GRUMPY WHITE WOLF! AND YOU, STRIPPER, PUT A SHIRT ON, WE'RE IN PUBLIC!"
Gray, out of pure reflex, looked down. His shirt, which he had put back on in the train, had, once again, disappeared at some inexplicable point between the station and the middle of the street. "…I give up on life," he muttered.
(This mission is going to be very, very long,) I thought.
[On the bright side, the hot springs, according to my data, have an excellent mineral composition for the skin. And a near-perfect pH,] Eos commented, always focused on what really mattered.
(That is literally the only positive I can see at the moment.)
[Considering that you will, most likely, be sharing a room and a futon with Erza, I would say there are other positives as well. From the purely statistical point of view of the evolution of your… interpersonal bonds, of course.]
(Eos.)
[Just an objective observation based on biometric data. Don't blame me for your heart rate.]
The town hall was a traditional two-storey building, with an impeccably raked zen garden in front. But the serenity of the place was brutally shattered by a huge, badly painted sign at the entrance, which read in blaring, dripping red letters: "BEWARE: AREA OF INTENSE AND TERRIBLE PARANORMAL ACTIVITY". The paint, I noted, was still fresh.
(This sign was made today. Probably less than an hour ago.)
[And with a handwriting that suggests panic and a complete lack of artistic talent,] Eos agreed.
"YOU CAME! THANKS BE TO THE GODS AND ALL THE SPIRITS OF THE MOUNTAIN! YOU CAME!"
The town hall door burst open with a bang, and a short, chubby man with a moustache that seemed to have a life of its own practically threw himself down the stairs towards us, his arms open as if to embrace us in a gesture of desperation and relief.
Mayor Matsuda was exactly as the vegetable lady had described: a man driven by drama. His bulging eyes conveyed a level of desperation usually reserved for imminent ends of the world or for when one discovers that the last bottle of sake has run out. He grabbed Erza's hands with an intensity that made me consider, for a brief moment, the possibility of removing his fingers, one by one, just to teach him about personal space.
"THE MONSTER! THE TERROR OF THE NORTH ROAD! IT IS TERRORISING OUR VILLAGE! NO ONE IS SAFE ANYMORE! THE CHILDREN CRY THEMSELVES TO SLEEP! THE ELDERLY DO NOT SLEEP FROM FEAR! I, I HAVE NOT SLEPT IN DAYS!"
"Mr. Mayor, please calm down," Erza said with the patience of a canonised saint, gently but with a firmness that left no room for argument, freeing her hands from his desperate grip. "We have just walked through the entire village. And, with all due respect, it seemed quite… peaceful."
"BUT THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT IT WANTS YOU TO THINK!" the mayor shouted, with the air of one who has just revealed a global conspiracy.
"…It?"
"THE MONSTER! IT IS CUNNING! DECEITFUL! DIABOLICAL!" He gestured frantically, his small, fat hands drawing chaotic shapes in the air that, I supposed, were meant to represent the creature. "IT HIDES DURING THE DAY! IN SILENCE! WAITING! PLOTTING! AND AT NIGHT IT ATTACKS!"
"With all due respect, sir, but Mrs. Haruka, from the vegetable stall, said it's probably just Kumataro the bear looking for blackberries," Natsu offered, still clearly upset at the possibility of being tricked into fighting a bear with a taste for wild fruit.
The mayor made a sound that was half a squeak of indignation, half the sound of a piglet being pinched. His moustache trembled violently. "Mrs. Haruka doesn't understand! She didn't SEE what I saw!" He brought his hands to his face, his eyes widening with a terror that looked rehearsed in a mirror. "The eyes… THE GLOWING EYES IN THE DARKNESS! RED AS BLOOD!"
"Could very well have been a stray cat," Gray suggested, still searching for his shirt in his pockets, for some reason.
"IT WASN'T A CAT! IT WAS HUGE!"
"An owl with conjunctivitis?" Lucy tried to help, without success.
"NO!"
"A swarm of particularly synchronised and malevolently inclined fireflies?" I offered, just to see his expression.
"YOU'RE NOT TAKING ME SERIOUSLY!" he finally exploded. And, to be fair, he was right. We really weren't.
"Mr. Mayor," I said, deciding to intervene before this comedy of errors dragged on for another hour and further delayed my access to a hot spring. "Where, exactly, are these supposed… disappearances of travellers occurring?"
The mayor abruptly stopped his tantrum, as if he had only just truly noticed my presence. Something in my gaze, in my calm, seemed to cut through his drama. The sweat on his bald forehead increased.
"O-on… on the north road," he stammered, pointing with a trembling hand in the direction of the mountain that rose behind the village. "The road that leads to the higher mountains. The travellers… they disappear at night. Some have reappeared after a few hours, but… confused, disoriented. Talking complete nonsense."
"What kind of nonsense?" I asked, an eyebrow arching.
He swallowed hard. "O-one of them said… said he was attacked by a giant chicken."
There was a second of silence. A deep, heavy silence, as we all processed that information. And then, I heard a muffled sound coming from Natsu. He was trying, with all his might, not to laugh. And failing miserably.
(…)
[A giant chicken, Azra'il,] Eos's voice sounded, and for the first time in a long while, I detected something in her transmission that resembled… pure, unadulterated amusement.
(I heard, Eos. I heard with my own ears.)
[This place, Azra'il. Is officially a circus. With free admission.]
(I know. And we are the main clowns.)
Erza, with an effort of self-control that should earn her a medal, frowned. "A giant… chicken?"
"WITH RED! AND GLOWING! EVIL EYES!", Mayor Matsuda added quickly, as if that made the story considerably more plausible and terrifying. "And… and with sharp claws!"
"Right." Erza turned to our group, ignoring the muffled laughter from Natsu and Gray, and took command naturally, as she always did. "It seems we have an investigation to conduct. We will settle in and investigate the north road tonight. For now, we need suitable accommodation."
The mayor perked up immediately, terror giving way to a real estate agent's enthusiasm. "Oh! The Yamamoto Inn, of course! It's the best in the village, the only one with five stars! Authentic tatami mats, pure silk yukatas, private hot springs with a view of the moon!" He clasped his hands with an air of "full service." "And Mrs. Yamamoto prepares the best and most plentiful breakfast in the entire region! You will love it!"
"Private hot springs?" Lucy's eyes shone with the prospect of unexpected luxury. Hot spring baths, good food, and a comfortable bed were, apparently, enough to make her temporarily forget her romantic drama with Mirajane and the humiliations of the journey.
"It's just over there, at the end of the main street! A magnificent building, you can't miss it!" the mayor pointed vaguely to the right. "Just tell them I sent you! Yamamoto-san is an old friend and will certainly take very good care of you!"
"Thank you for your help and for the information, Mr. Mayor," Erza said, with a formal bow. "We will take care of your… problem."
"YES! YES! OH, THANK YOU, THANK YOU, BRAVE MAGES OF FAIRY TAIL!" The mayor practically bowed to the ground, his moustache scraping the stones, in a display of gratitude that was as exaggerated as his earlier panic. "HOSENKA VILLAGE AND ITS FUTURE ARE IN YOUR HANDS! I TRUST YOU COMPLETELY!"
And with the same frantic energy with which he had appeared, he turned and disappeared back into the town hall, the door slamming shut behind him, probably to go and hide under his desk until nightfall.
"…He's… intense, isn't he?" Gray observed, finally finding his shirt on the ground.
"He's COMPLETELY BONKERS," Natsu corrected, still clearly disappointed by the high probability of the absence of monsters worthy of being punched.
"No, guys, he's just frightened," Lucy said, always trying to find the good and diplomatic side of things. "Even if the so-called monster is just a bear or a chicken with anger management issues, the fear he feels is real."
"Or he's just overly dramatic, with a natural talent for theatre and a boring personal life," I offered, as the most likely and logical explanation.
"Yeah. That too, for sure."
Erza clapped her hands once, the sharp, authoritative sound getting the attention of our little group of misfits. "Enough psychological analysis. Let's go to the inn. We need to rest and prepare before our night-time investigation." She, with an ease that defied physics, picked up all her seven suitcases and three trunks at once, as if they weighed no more than cotton bags. "Natsu, Gray, no fighting on the way. Lucy, please look after Happy and make sure he doesn't try to eat the carp in the pond. And Azra'il…"
She paused, and her brown eyes met mine for an instant, and I could see a faint, almost imperceptible, trace of panic in them, before she quickly hid it under her commander's mask. "…Just… let's go. Try not to frighten the locals."
"Me? Frighten anyone?" I replied, with my most innocent smile. "I wouldn't do such a thing."
The Yamamoto Inn was at the end of a narrow street, hidden behind a tall bamboo wall that blocked most of the view of the main building, ensuring a privacy that I already appreciated. A large, imposing dark wood gate marked the entrance, with paper lanterns hanging on either side, swaying gently in the breeze that came down from the mountains.
And the building itself was, indeed, impressive. A masterpiece of traditional architecture. Three storeys of dark wood and rice paper walls, with curved roofs of black tile that seemed to float over the structure, giving it an unexpected lightness. Bamboo balconies circled each of the floors, decorated with small plants in ceramic pots and wind chimes that emitted a soft, calming melody.
A carefully and meticulously cultivated garden surrounded the entire inn, with dark stones positioned with an almost mathematical precision in a sea of white sand, a small, clear pond where golden and white carp swam lazily, and a small arched red wooden bridge that, I agreed with Lucy, seemed more aesthetic than functional.
The soft sound of running water came from somewhere nearby, a fountain perhaps, or one of the small streams that cut through the property with a planned beauty. And, of course, the steam. Steam rising in lazy white columns from behind the main building, where the hot springs were, creating a perpetual mist that gave the whole place a dreamlike atmosphere, a world apart.
"Wow… this place is… absolutely BEAUTIFUL!" Lucy sighed, her eyes shining with pure admiration, as if she had just stepped into one of her fantasy novels.
"Does it smell of good food?" Natsu asked, sniffing the air, his priorities clearly and, as always, in perfect order.
"And fresh fish?" Happy added, floating in circles around one of the lanterns, curious.
Before I could make any comment on their lack of sophistication, the inn's main door, made of wood and rice paper panels, slid aside with a soft sound, revealing an elderly woman in a formal navy-blue silk kimono, with details of embroidered silver cranes. Her hair, completely white and silky, was tied in an elaborate and perfect bun, pinned with delicate lacquered wood sticks. And her face, serene and with wrinkles that suggested decades of gentle smiles but also of unshakeable discipline, was watching us calmly.
"Welcome, welcome to the Yamamoto Inn," her voice was soft but firm, laden with a gentle authority that silenced even Natsu's stomach. She bowed elegantly, a gesture of respect that came from years of tradition. "I am Yamamoto Hana. You, I presume, must be the brave mages of Fairy Tail that Mayor Matsuda, in his usual state of… excitement, mentioned."
"Yes, that's us. And thank you for having us," Erza replied, returning the bow with a perfection that would have made her pass for a local noble, if it weren't for the mountain of luggage at her feet and the cannon wrapped in gift paper. "We need rooms for six people, if possible."
The serene expression of Yamamoto-san became slightly apologetic, and her hands gently came together in front of her kimono. "Ah… my dears, about that…" She sighed, a soft sound. "I am sorry to inform you, but we are completely, absolutely, fully booked. This is the high season for the hot springs, and most of our guests make their reservations months, sometimes even a year, in advance."
"Fully booked?" Lucy's voice dropped an octave, and the glint in her eyes diminished considerably. "Completely? Not a single little room left?"
"Completely," the lady confirmed. "Mayor Matsuda, as usual, informed us of your arrival very, very last minute. We simply do not have a single vacant room in the entire inn."
Natsu crossed his arms, his expression the sulky one of a thwarted child. "Brilliant. And now what? Are we going to have to sleep on the street, with the giant bear with glowing eyes?"
"Well…" Yamamoto-san paused, her thin lips curving into a small smile, as if she were considering something. "Mayor Matsuda, despite his… excessive enthusiasm, is an old friend. And he personally asked me to accommodate the heroes who have come to save our village. So," her smile widened, "I've made arrangements."
"Arrangements?" Erza asked cautiously, probably already imagining that the "arrangements" would involve something… complicated.
"We have a small room at the back of the inn that we normally use for storing extra tatami mats and old folding screens. I had it cleaned, aired out, and prepared for you," she paused dramatically, "two of our best and most comfortable double futons." She smiled, as if she had just offered us the presidential suite. "It is not as luxurious as our main rooms, I admit, but it is quite comfortable. And, of course, you will have free access to the hot springs and our famous dinner, like any of our honoured guests."
"Hang on a minute," Gray said slowly, raising his hand, his mind apparently being the first to do the simple maths of the situation. "Let me see if I've got this right. A single room. For the six of us."
"Yes, my young man," Yamamoto-san confirmed, with a nod.
"And with only… two futons."
"Double ones, yes. They are quite spacious and fluffy," she added, as if this were a crucial detail.
"For. SIX. People," Gray repeated, each word coming out slowly, as if he were trying to explain the situation to himself.
"You are young, strong, and friends, are you not? I am sure you will manage to get comfortable. Where three can sleep, six can, if you are creative," her smile didn't waver for a single second. It was the smile of a woman who had solved far, far worse problems.
"And… and can't we just put in one more little futon? A single one?" Lucy asked, her voice laden with a hope that was almost palpable and entirely futile.
Yamamoto-san shook her head, her perfect white bun moving gently. "Unfortunately not, my dear. The room is really quite small. The two double futons I have already placed there barely fit. If we put in a third, even a small one, there wouldn't be enough space to even open the door." She laughed lightly, as if she found the whole situation an adorable and harmless joke. "And, I imagine, you will need some space to store your luggage," her gaze passed over Erza's mountain of luggage, "and to change clothes and, who knows, even to breathe."
The hope in Lucy's face visibly died, replaced by a silent horror.
I looked at the group. And did the mental count, just to be sure.
Natsu, the walking furnace. Gray, the exhibitionist ice-lolly. Happy, the emergency pillow. Lucy, the source of reason and, occasionally, of panic. Erza, the Titania with a need for control and an absurd amount of luggage. And me, the bored ancestral entity.
Six people. One tiny room. Two double futons.
(Ah. This… this is going to be extremely… interesting,) I thought, and for the first time that day, a genuine smile, full of an anticipatory malice, formed on my lips.
[Analysing the situation, Azra'il. The probability of interpersonal conflict, social embarrassment, violation of personal space, and possibly, physical violence in such a restricted environment is… very, very interesting, indeed. My sensors are on high alert to collect data.]
"And how exactly," Lucy tried again, her voice now a little louder, bordering on hysteria, "are we going to divide ourselves into two futons among six people? The maths doesn't add up!"
Yamamoto-san tilted her head, as if the answer were the most obvious thing in the world, which, in a way, it was. "Well, my dear, three to each futon, I imagine. Simple. The young men in one, and the young ladies," her gaze passed over Lucy, Erza, and me, "in the other." She blinked innocently, as if she hadn't just condemned us to a night of forced proximity and extreme embarrassment. "Unless, of course, you prefer to… mix? We are a very modern inn."
"NO!" Erza, Lucy, and I said in a unison so perfect and instantaneous it even startled Natsu.
(If I slept on the same futon as Natsu, I would probably accidentally suffocate him with a pillow before dawn. Totally by accident, of course.)
[That would, technically, be murder, Azra'il.]
(It would be a mercy. For me. And possibly, for the rest of the world.)
[Your arguments are, as always, questionable, but logically consistent with your personality.]
(That's why I keep you around, Eos.)
"So it's all settled!" Yamamoto-san clapped her hands once, with an air of a mission accomplished. "Your room is the last one at the end of the corridor on the left, on the ground floor. The yukatas and clean towels are in the room's wardrobe. Our famous and delicious dinner will be served at seven o'clock sharp in the main dining hall. And the hot springs, for your delight, are open until midnight. The ladies' section is on the left, the gentlemen's on the right. No mix-ups, please."
"Wait, wait, hang on a minute," Natsu raised his hand as if he were in a classroom. "So, you mean to say that I, Natsu Dragneel, will have to share a tiny futon… with GRAY?!"
"And with me!" Happy offered cheerfully, as if it were a consolation prize.
"NO BLOODY WAY!" Natsu took a step back, his fists already clenching, horror on his face. "I'd rather sleep on the COLD floor a thousand times than be stuck next to that stripper with a persecution complex!"
"WHO ARE YOU CALLING A STRIPPER, YOU FLAME-BRAIN WITH AN AMOEBA'S BRAIN?!" Gray advanced, his bare chest shining under the lantern light, ready for a brawl. "AND I DON'T WANT TO SLEEP ANYWHERE NEAR YOU FOR A MILLION YEARS AND HAVE YOUR SMOKY BREATH IN MY FACE ALL NIGHT EITHER!"
"Then you sleep on the floor!" Natsu shouted.
"NO! YOU sleep on the floor!" Gray retorted.
"WHY ME?! YOU'RE THE ONE WITH THE CLOTHING PROBLEM!"
"AND YOU'RE THE INSUFFERABLE ONE!"
"LOOK WHO'S TALKING, YOU ICE-EXHIBITIONIST!"
While the two began to shove each other and trade increasingly creative insults, Happy floated between them, his little paws open, trying to be the peacemaker. "Calm down, guys, calm down! I can sleep in the middle! I'm very small and cute! Then you two don't have to touch!"
"HAPPY, THAT'S NOT HELPING! YOU'RE THE SIZE OF A PILLOW!" Natsu shouted, frustrated.
"Aye! And I'm a very soft and warm pillow!"
"THAT'S NOT THE POINT, YOU DAFT CAT!"
Yamamoto-san watched the chaos unfold with an impressive serenity, the same as a monk watching a passing storm, as if brawls between super-powered mages over a futon were a daily and routine entertainment at her inn.
"As I said," she repeated calmly, without raising her voice. "The room is at the end of the corridor on the left. Make yourselves at home. And please, try not to destroy the inn before dinner. Enjoy your stay."
And with that, she turned and disappeared down the corridor, her kimono rustling softly, leaving our small and dysfunctional group in the middle of an existential, logistical, and apparently, a collective accommodation crisis.
Lucy, who had been silent during the entire argument, turned to me, her eyes wide, her face pale. "One room," she whispered, as if reciting a prophecy of the apocalypse. "ONE."
"I heard," I replied.
"For THE SIX OF US."
"I can count, Lucy, thank you."
"You, me, and Erza. On ONE double futon. TOGETHER. SQUASHED. VERY, VERY SQUASHED."
"Yes, I have already grasped the concept of futon overcrowding, blondie."
"And Natsu and Gray will be IN THE SAME ROOM! A few metres away!"
"Yes. I also understood that part, unfortunately."
Lucy then grabbed my arm with both hands, her eyes wide with the horror of someone who has lived through a war trauma. "Azra'il, you don't understand. I have… I have slept in the same environment as them before. MANY, MANY times, on missions. And it was a true NIGHTMARE!" She let go of my arm only to gesture frantically, painting a picture of the apocalypse. "Natsu doesn't just talk in his sleep! He SHOUTS! And breathes FIRE through his nose! One time he nearly set fire to our entire tent because he dreamed he was fighting an ice cream dragon!"
"Ah, I remember that one. It was… educational," I said, vaguely recalling the scene.
"And Gray!" she continued, her voice rising in pitch. "He doesn't just take his clothes off in his SLEEP, which is bad enough! He moves! And I've woken up, more than once, with his cold pants ON MY FACE! ON. MY. FACE, Azra'il!"
I looked at her, and for the first time, I felt a pang of genuine and profound solidarity. "I know, Lucy. Unfortunately, I know." I sighed. "I have been through all of that, and much more. On that mission in the ruins of Delos, for example, Natsu dreamed he was an erupting volcano, and Gray decided it was a great time to carve an ice statue of himself, naked, on top of me while I was sleeping. Believe me, I understand your pain on a very, very personal level."
Lucy stared at me with an expression of pure understanding, the solidarity of two war survivors who have seen things that cannot be unseen. "You understand," she whispered. "You really understand the hell that it is."
"Oh, yes. I understand perfectly."
"And yet," she looked at me, incredulous, "you're so calm?!"
"I have developed, over the years, a very useful skill, Lucy. I have learned to meditate with my eyes open and to ignore the reality around me, focusing only on my inner boredom."
"Is that… is that… a skill or a disorder?" Lucy gestured frantically, unable to find the right words.
"The line is thin, I admit," I offered. "It's a matter of perspective, really."
On the other side of the hall, Erza was still standing like a terracotta statue. The suitcases, which she had held so easily, had slipped from her fingers and now lay forgotten at her feet. Her face was a red so intense it rivalled her hair, no, it was REDDER than her hair, if that was even possible.
"Erza?" Lucy called, her voice hesitant. "Are you… are you alright? Are you breathing?"
"I'm… I'm FINE." Erza's voice came out completely strangled, at least two octaves above her normal, authoritarian tone. "Why… why wouldn't I be? It's just… it's just a futon. A simple, harmless futon. Shared. Between three people. Three friends. Guildmates. Very close. Very close indeed. Glued together, actually, if the maths is correct. Practically on top of each other, like sardines in a tin. But… it's COMPLETELY normal and professional. Absolutely normal."
"You're hyperventilating, Erza," I pointed out, with a calm that only made it worse.
"NO, I'M NOT! I AM BREATHING EFFICIENTLY TO MAXIMISE BRAIN OXYGENATION IN A TACTICAL STRESS SITUATION!"
"Right. And I'm the queen of the fairies," I muttered to Lucy, who hid a laugh behind her hand. "Oh, wait. That title is already yours, isn't it, Erza?"
Gray, who had stopped his fight with Natsu to watch our own drama unfold, commented, with an air of someone who is happy to be on the other side of the equation, for once. "At least you're all women. I'm going to have to feel Natsu's SMOKY BREATH on the back of my neck all night."
"MY BREATH IS GREAT, YOU ICE PERVERT!" Natsu protested, offended.
"YOU EAT FIRE, YOU IDIOT! YOUR BREATH IS LITERALLY SMOKE!" Gray retorted.
"IT'S WARM BREATH! COSY! It'll keep you warm in the cold of the night!"
"I DON'T WANT TO BE WARMED BY YOU! I MAKE MY OWN WARMTH! OR MY OWN COLD, WHATEVER!"
Happy, ever the diplomat, floated over to a still-paralysed Erza, his head tilted with genuine concern. "Erza, you're very, very red. You look like a tomato."
"I DO NOT LOOK LIKE… it's 'a' tomato, Happy, grammar is important," Erza managed to correct, out of pure reflex, even in the midst of her breakdown.
"Aye! A very, very red and shiny tomato!" Happy confirmed, proud.
"NOW THE GRAMMAR IS CORRECT, BUT THAT'S NOT THE POINT! A-and I don't matter!" Erza shook her head, as if physically trying to shake the thoughts from her mind. "Okay! Enough! Let's… let's see the room. Organise things. And act like the professional and adult mages we are. And no one touches anyone."
She, with mechanical and rigid movements, picked up her suitcases from the floor and marched with the determination of a soldier going to the gallows down the indicated corridor, her back as straight as a board.
Lucy shot me one last look, her eyes wide with pure dread and contained amusement. "She's definitely not alright."
"She's fine. And soon she'll be warm, on a silk futon, right beside me," I said, and gave her my sweetest, most innocent smile, one that promised a night of a great deal of emotional chaos.
Lucy groaned. "You two are completely impossible."
"Thank you. It's one of our greatest charms," I replied.
"It wasn't a compliment!"
"It sounded a lot like one, my dear. Now, come on. I don't want to miss the show."
The room was, as expected, exactly as Yamamoto-san had described. Small. VERY, very small. In fact, the word "room" was a generous designation. It was more a large closet than a proper room, a place where privacy and personal space had decided to take an extended holiday.
Fresh straw tatami mats covered the floor, and their scent filled the air. A single, small rice paper window looked out onto an inner garden, letting in just enough dim light to illuminate the cramped space. A built-in wardrobe in the wall took up what should have been the space for a real bed, and a delicately painted folding screen with bamboos and cranes stood in a corner, probably representing the only, fragile barrier between us and dignity when it was time to change clothes.
And, in the centre of that small and claustrophobic room, taking up practically all the available space, were them. The two futons.
Side by side. Like two life rafts in an ocean of tatami. Almost, almost touching.
"This is… quite… cosy," Lucy said, with a diplomacy that was almost admirable, trying to find an adjective that wasn't "claustrophobic" or "a setting for a psychological horror film."
"COSY?! THIS IS TINY!" Natsu protested, entering behind her and immediately taking up all the remaining space. "The bathroom in my house is bigger than this!"
"You don't HAVE a bathroom in your house, Natsu," Happy observed, with the cruelty of the truth. "You use the woods, like an animal."
"HAPPY, DON'T EXPOSE MY PRIVACY!"
Gray entered next, and his expression, upon seeing the arrangement, was one of growing horror. "The… the futons are… very close to each other."
"They're practically GLUED TOGETHER," Lucy agreed, her voice a tone higher.
It was true. The small and almost non-existent strip of tatami visible between the two futons was no wider than perhaps ten centimetres. Whoever slept on the edge of one futon would practically be touching whoever slept on the edge of the other. Or, more likely, would have an arm or a leg on top of the other person.
And Erza, who entered last and stopped at the door like a statue, saw it. She looked at the Futons. Looked at the tiny space. Looked at me. And her face, which I thought had already reached its peak of red, somehow, miraculously, managed to get even redder. If that was even possible.
"Okay," she said, and her voice was carefully, dangerously, controlled, like someone trying to disarm a bomb with their bare hands. "We need… to sort out the logistics of this. In an organised and rational manner."
"Logistics? What kind of logistics?" Natsu tilted his head, genuine confusion on his face. "What's the problem?"
"The logistics of WHO sleeps WHERE, you empty-headed idiot," Gray replied, still searching, in vain, for his shirt, which had probably decided to run away and start a new life in another city.
"Oh." Natsu looked at the futons, then at our cramped group. "Oh, that's easy. It's like the old lady said. The boys in one, and the girls in the other."
"Yes, genius, that's the obvious part," Lucy said, her patience rapidly draining. "The crucial question, the crux of the matter, the million-Jewel question, is the ORGANISATION within the futon."
"What organisation? We just… lie down and sleep?" Natsu asked, genuinely not understanding.
"NATSU," Lucy took a deep breath, massaging her temples with her fingers. "We are three people. On one double futon. Someone, inevitably, will have to sleep in the MIDDLE."
"Oh," Natsu blinked. And then, he smiled. "And what's the problem? I don't mind being squashed in the middle!"
"BUT YOU are not going to be squashed on our futon, Natsu!"
"Oh, why not?"
"BECAUSE YOU'RE A BOY, YOU IDIOT! AND WE ARE GIRLS!"
"So what? We're from the same guild! We're friends!"
Lucy made a sound of frustration that resembled a slowly deflating balloon, a sound of pure and utter defeat in the face of Natsu's simple logic and complete lack of awareness.
On the other side of the small room, Gray and Happy were already having their own heated logistical discussion. "I'm taking the edge! Definitely!"
"But why do YOU get the edge, Gray?! That's not fair!"
"Of course it's fair! Because I'm bigger and I need more space!"
"That makes no sense! If you're bigger, you should go in the middle!"
"Aye! And I'll sleep in the middle! I'm very small and don't take up much space!"
"Happy, if you sleep in the middle of these two, you'll be SQUASHED like a blue pancake before midnight."
"But I'm resilient! And cute!"
While the logistical chaos was unfolding on the male side of the room, with promises of punches and accusations of selfishness, Erza approached our futon, the one on the right, with the solemn and terrified expression of a general assessing a mined battlefield.
"We need to decide our order," she said, crossing her arms, her voice with that tone of command that she probably used even to order bread at the bakery. "It is crucial that we have an… efficient arrangement that maximises our… comfort."
"I… I can take the edge, no problem," Lucy offered quickly, like a volunteer for a suicide mission. "On the side by the wall. Far away… far away from the boys and their noise."
"Right. An excellent tactical choice, Lucy," Erza nodded, with a seriousness that was almost comical. "That… that leaves the middle. And the other edge." Her gaze, for a split second, met mine, and she quickly looked away, as if she had touched a hot plate. "One of the two of us… will have to… to be in the middle. Between the other two."
The silence that stretched between the three of us for a few seconds was thick enough to be cut with one of Erza's swords.
Lucy looked at Erza, who was looking at the futon with the same expression of horror with which she looked at a demon. Neither of them seemed willing to verbalise the obvious question, or to volunteer for the central position.
"I'll take the middle," I said calmly, breaking the silence.
The two of them, Lucy and Erza, turned to me in perfect synchrony, their expressions a mixture of shock, relief, and perhaps a little panic. "Y-you?" Erza stammered, her composure crumbling again.
"Yes, me," I shrugged slightly, and a smile, the first truly mischievous one of the night, began to escape my lips. I couldn't help it. "After all, I don't mind. And, think about it, the view will be excellent. I'll be sleeping with a beautiful woman on each of my arms." My smile widened, full of a perverse amusement. "That, in many cultures, is practically anyone's dream, don't you think?"
Silence. ABSOLUTE silence.
Lucy stared at me, her mouth opening and closing like a fish out of water, without any sound coming out, her face going from pale to pink, and from pink to a red that I thought was only possible in overripe tomatoes.
And Erza… Ah, Erza. She seemed to have completely forgotten how to breathe.
"You…" her voice, when it finally came out, was completely strangled, almost inaudible. "Did… did you just… say…?"
"What, Erza? What did I say?" I asked, with the greatest and most false innocence in the universe, tilting my head. "It's true, isn't it? You two are very beautiful. And, due to the inevitable logistics of this futon arrangement, you will, in fact, be on either side of me. Therefore, presumably, within reach of my arms. It's just a statement of facts. All night long."
"AZRA'IL, YOU PERVERT!" Lucy finally found her voice, and it came out in a high-pitched shriek, as she covered her completely red face with both hands. "You can't just SAY these things! Not out loud!"
"And why not? It's just a fact. An objective observation of the situation."
"BECAUSE… BECAUSE IT'S— IT'S—" Lucy gestured frantically in the air, unable to find the words. "IT'S COMPLETELY AND UTTERLY SHAMELESS!"
"Thank you. I take that as a compliment," I replied.
"IT WASN'T MEANT TO BE A COMPLIMENT, YOU MADWOMAN!"
On the other side of the room, Natsu, who had stopped brawling to listen to our conversation, tilted his head, confused. "Wait, I don't get it. Why is sleeping with two beautiful women a dream? It sounds like it would be very cramped. And hot."
"Natsu," Gray said slowly, with the voice of someone explaining something to a three-year-old. "One day, when you grow up, maybe you'll understand. But probably not."
And Erza, ah, Erza. She finally seemed to regain the ability to speak. And to get very, very angry. "You…" she took a step towards me, her face a red so intense it seemed to radiate heat. "You are COMPLETELY IMPOSSIBLE!"
"I know. I've been told that before. It's one of my charms."
"SHAMELESS!"
"I know that too. It's an underrated quality."
"SAUCY!"
"Hmm. That's a new one. And I like it. It has a certain… musicality."
"YOU'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO LIKE IT! IT WASN'T A COMPLIMENT!" Erza seemed on the verge of exploding, but it was clearly more an explosion of shame and embarrassment than of real anger. And that was infinitely more amusing. "How can you say something like that with such… with such… CASUALNESS?!"
"It was just an observation about our accommodation situation. A fact."
"But you said you'd have us 'IN YOUR ARMS'!"
"Well, yes. Given the logistics of the futon, that seems most likely. The one who sleeps in the middle usually… you know, hugs the sides so as not to fall off. It's a matter of balance and safety."
"STOP TALKING IMMEDIATELY!" Erza covered her ears with her hands, her face now perfectly matching the colour of her hair. "I don't want to hear any more of your… logistical analyses!"
Lucy, who still had her hands on her face, was now peeking through her fingers, her eyes wide. "I can't believe you actually said that," she murmured. "In front of everyone."
"Ah, but would you have preferred I said it in private, Lucy? We could have that conversation later," I suggested, with my sweetest smile.
"I WOULD HAVE PREFERRED YOU NEVER SAID IT AT ALL!"
"Ah, but where would be the fun in that? There would have been no fun at all."
"THE FUN?! YOU CALL THIS FUNNY?!" Lucy finally uncovered her face, completely indignant.
"Yes. A little, yes," I admitted. "The reactions of you two are absolutely adorable."
"WE ARE NOT ADORABLE!" Erza and Lucy shouted in a unison so perfect it made me smile even more.
"Yes, you are. Especially when you go red like that, like two ripe strawberries. It's charming."
And the two of them, of course, went even REDDER. If that was even possible.
(Perfect. Mission accomplished.)
[You are having immense fun with their emotional suffering, are you not, Azra'il?] Eos commented in my mind.
(Absolutely, my dear. It's the best entertainment I've had in months.)
Happy, who had been silent until then, floated between us, his head tilted in pure, innocent confusion. "I don't get it. Why are Erza and Lucy so angry? And red?"
"Because your wolf-friend here is a PERVERT, Happy!" Erza finally declared, with all the force of her lungs.
"Pervert is such a strong word, Erza. And so… limiting. I prefer the term 'enthusiastic appreciator of feminine beauty in all its forms'."
"BUT IT'S THE SAME THING, YOU IDIOT!"
"I disagree. There are nuances."
Gray, who by this point was sitting on the boys' futon, was clearly trying his best not to laugh, his shoulders visibly shaking, his face buried in a pillow. "You know… I… I don't think I've ever seen Erza so… so red in my life," he said, his voice muffled.
"SHUT YOUR MOUTH, GRAY! AND PUT A SHIRT ON!"
"She's definitely redder than her hair," Natsu observed, with the precision of a scientist. "I didn't know that was biologically possible."
"NATSU!"
"It's truly an impressive feat," I agreed, with an academic air. "Her ears are almost purple. Fascinating."
"AZRA'IL, I AM GOING TO KILL YOU! I SWEAR I WILL DISMANTLE YOU INTO A THOUSAND PIECES!"
"Ah, but you'll have to wait until tomorrow, won't you?" I pointed to the futon with a nod of my head. "Remember, my dear, that tonight you will, most likely, be sleeping very… snugly… in my arm."
And Erza, the great and powerful Titania, who had faced armies, demons, and gods, made a sound. A sound that was half a scream of fury, half a groan of pure and absolute frustration and shame.
And Lucy, beside me, threw herself face down on the futon, covering her head with a pillow. "I give up," her voice came out muffled by the fabric. "I give up on everything. I'm going to take a nap now, before the investigation. And when I wake up, please, tell me this horrible and embarrassing conversation never happened."
"Oh, it will have happened," I said, with a smile. "And I'll make sure to remind you both, in full detail, during our mission tonight."
The pillow lifted for a second, just enough to reveal Lucy's glaring eyes. "I hate you," she hissed.
"No, you don't."
"I hate you A LITTLE. A lot, actually."
"That's fair."
And Erza, ah, Erza. She was still standing in the same spot, her face as red as a traffic light, her fists clenched at her sides, looking genuinely unsure whether she should scream, cry from shame, punch me to dust, or simply faint.
"You…" she finally managed to say, taking a deep breath, as if trying to calm herself. "You are the most… the most… insufferable…"
"Charming? Irresistible? Impossible to resist? I accept all compliments."
"IRRITATING! AND I AM GOING TO IGNORE YOU FOR THE REST OF THE NIGHT!"
"That too," I said.
(This is, with all the certainty in the universe, going to be a very, very amusing night.)
[You will not survive until dawn, Azra'il. And I will record every second of your downfall,] Eos commented in my mind.
(Probably not. But my dear, it will be well worth it.)
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💬Author's Note
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Plot twist that no one asked for: today is my birthday. 🎂
Yes, I know, it doesn't seem like it, but I've officially levelled up and now have 27 years of pure, questionable experience. 🫠✨
I accept congratulations, virtual cakes, positive mana, and promises of chaotic comments.
(And if you don't wish me a happy birthday… Azra'il will write your name down in a very suspicious little book.)
Thank you for following this author surviving her own sanity. 💜