If hell had a waiting room, it would look exactly like the lobby of the Royal Bureau of Magical Audits. Drab gray walls, a ticking clock that sounded like it judged every life choice Freya had ever made, and a receptionist whose expression had permanently settled into the exact midpoint between boredom and mild resentment.
Freya stood at the front desk, fidgeting. "Hi. I'm here for… uh, an audit?"
The receptionist didn't look up. "Form C-19B?"
"I have a… form. It's pink. Does that help?"
"Pink means you were flagged for a 'high magical discrepancy.' Sit."
Freya glanced around and sat next to a guy who appeared to be weeping silently into his tax scroll. A kobold in a miniature business suit was trying to convince a nearby potted plant that it counted as a dependent. Freya blinked and muttered, "This place is cursed."
She heard a familiar ding.
System Alert: Magical Audit Commencing.
Difficulty Level: Absolutely Ridiculous.
Rewards: Possibly Avoiding Magical Bankruptcy. Maybe.
The door creaked open. A middle-aged gnome with salt-and-pepper hair and glasses the size of her face waved Freya in.
"I'm Bureaucrat Lintwizzle. Sit, Miss Freya. And no casting spells indoors, unless it's a documentation charm."
Freya nodded and settled in. The chair tried to adjust itself but apparently gave up halfway and deflated like a tired balloon. Lintwizzle opened a scroll that seemed to roll down to the floor and out of the room.
"Right. Magical Income: 3200 Arcana Units. Expenses: One Phoenix Feather Hat, four dozen enchanted donuts, and an automatic potion stirrer that sings ballads."
Freya cleared her throat. "That was on sale."
"And you claimed it as a combat expense."
"The potion stirrer sang while I was fighting. It was very motivating."
Lintwizzle stared. "You listed your cat as a licensed familiar with independent contractor status."
"To be fair, Mr. Pickles has been incredibly productive. He single-pawedly defeated a slime invasion."
"Was he paid?"
"I gave him a tuna enchantment."
"Taxable."
Lintwizzle scribbled aggressively, her quill shrieking like a banshee. Freya tried not to sweat. The quill snapped, and the gnome replaced it without breaking eye contact.
"Magical debts, magical credits, inappropriate spell usage, and an unpaid fine for summoning a sentient cheese wheel at a noble banquet."
"It was supposed to be brie, not brie-son!"
"Pun-based spell mishandling. Classic novice mistake."
Freya sank lower in her seat. Her system pinged again.
New Perk Unlocked: Paper Cut Resistance (Lv. 1)
You now take 10% less damage from bureaucratic documents.
Lintwizzle rolled up the scroll and sighed deeply. "We'll need to initiate an In-Person Magical Evaluation. You'll be shadowed by an auditor for 24 hours."
Freya blinked. "A shadow? Like, a person following me around and judging my every move?"
"Exactly. Their name is Phineas. He's… thorough."
The door opened. A man walked in—no, glided. Phineas wore a black robe with glittering silver embroidery in the shape of filing cabinets. His eyes were like twin calculators.
"I have arrived," he intoned solemnly. "Please continue living your life as if I'm not here. I will only comment when necessary. Which is always."
Freya groaned. "Of course."
Hour 1: Breakfast Judgment
Freya wandered back to her inn. Phineas floated behind her, arms crossed. She poured cereal into a bowl.
"That cereal is enchanted. Please register the consumption under magical nutrients."
"It's just sparkly oats!"
"With 12% mana restoration. Counts."
Freya added milk. Phineas gasped. "You can't mix cow and dragon milk! That's a class C dairy fusion violation!"
"I… I didn't know!"
"Excuses are for the form-illiterate."
She scribbled on a napkin. "There. Registered."
"That's not an official napkin."
Freya screamed into a pillow.
Hour 4: Hero Work
Freya spotted a group of bandits trying to rob a merchant wagon. "Finally! Something I can punch!"
She leaped into action. Phineas was mid-scribble as she conjured a glowing spear.
"Unlicensed conjuration!"
"I'm literally saving a life!"
"Heroism must be pre-approved."
One of the bandits bonked her on the head. Freya retaliated with a flurry of punches.
"Combat spell used in a rural zone. That's a permit fine."
Freya picked up the bandit and hurled him at another. "How about now?"
"Improvised projectile. Hmmm... addendum clause. I'll allow it."
Freya felt victorious for exactly four seconds before Phineas handed her a glowing pink citation.
Hour 7: Lunch & Existential Dread
She ordered a mana burger. Phineas pointed. "That includes a side of enchanted fries. Fries enchanted for crispiness require documentation."
Freya pouted. "They're just crispy."
"That's the enchantment working. You're welcome."
He slid her a receipt scroll. It was twenty-seven pages long.
She ate bitterly.
Hour 10: Personal Time
Freya decided to take a break at the local hot springs.
Phineas followed.
"I draw the line here!"
"I'm required to monitor your aura field for irregularities. Also, someone filed a complaint about previous 'aqua-mancy shenanigans.'"
Freya grumbled but sat in the spring.
Phineas dipped a glowing stick in. "That's 3.6 aura units. Acceptable."
"Do you ever relax?"
"I did once. I regretted it immediately."
A duck floated by. Phineas glared at it. "That duck is unregistered."
The duck quacked innocently.
"I'm adding it to your list."
Freya splashed him. It was worth it.
Hour 13: Freya Loses It
Back at her inn, Freya was filling out a scroll by candlelight. Her eyes twitched.
Phineas tapped his quill. "You missed section F-19: Emotional Disposition Following Midday Meal."
Freya stood.
"I'm done. I'm done with forms, scrolls, magical citations, enchanted ducks, and your sanctimonious hair part!"
Phineas blinked. "That is a rare insult. Thank you."
"No more audits! No more rules! I am chaos incarnate!"
She dramatically flipped a table. A piece of parchment fluttered out. Phineas caught it.
"Unfiled expense report for one tea biscuit?"
She screamed and jumped out the window.
Hour 17: Redemption(?), Possibly
They found her in a tree.
"Technically, I'm not breaking any laws if I become a tree person," she argued.
"You filed a humanoid form with us. Sorry," Phineas replied.
Back at the Bureau, Lintwizzle reviewed the results. She raised an eyebrow.
"She tried to register a duck as a dependent."
"It imprinted on her. It seemed fair," Phineas added.
Lintwizzle stamped the final scroll.
"Miss Freya, you are now classified as a Tier 2 Adventurer with Probationary Paperwork Waiver privileges. Congratulations."
Freya blinked. "Is that good?"
"It means fewer forms."
"I could cry."
"Please do. On Form E-77."
Epilogue: Bureaucratic Freedom (Kind of)
Back at her inn, Freya toasted a glass of fizzy mana cider. Mr. Pickles sat on the windowsill, wearing a tie.
"We survived, buddy. No more forms. Just freedom."
The door creaked open. A courier handed her an envelope. Freya opened it cautiously.
URGENT NOTICE: You have been randomly selected for a post-audit satisfaction survey.
Freya stared at the envelope.
Then she set it on fire.
Phineas peeked in through the window. "That's a class B offense."
"I REGRET NOTHING!" she howled into the night.
Somewhere, the enchanted duck quacked in solidarity.