PS: T Stop and T Hug Sit Down
Verse 1
OMG, like, the Gambino girls
Are mixing White Claws with pearls
Yakuza sisters in pink,
Bratva boys can't even think
Sinaloa sisters can't smuggle
A pizza past the house mom's juggle
Triads run a bake sale,
But launder the cookie dough, fail!
Chorus
We're the Alpha Beta Kappas,
Mobsters in mascara,
Cartel queens in Lilly prints,
Throwing shade and throwing hints
Gambino girls "whack" their GPA,
Bratva bros pull hammies every day
Yakuza boys' tattoos?
All temporary, nothing new!
Verse 2
Triad twins on TikTok,
Sinaloa snaps in the hall,
Cosa Nostra at the mixer,
But nobody remembers it all
Medellin's idea of a hit?
Dropping the aux at formal, that's it
Genovese girls run rackets,
But only for tennis brackets!
Roast Verse
Whose bright idea was it,
To stop putting drugs in the drugs?
Now our parties are just LaCroix,
And awkward shrugs and chugs
The only thing thugs really are?
They thug it out through way too many snugs,
Like, literally, they can't detach,
Squeezing tight in a cuddle match!
Pledge week's a trauma marathon,
Mixer disasters every week,
Daddy's money runs the show,
But can't buy cool or mystique
We fake philanthropy for clout,
Pretend to care, then ghost,
And every time we "study,"
It's just gossip and a toast.
So here's to Greek life legends,
With secrets, scandals, shrugs-
But next time, let's remember
To put the drugs in the drugs!
Bridge
The only "cartel" we run
Is group Uber rides for fun
"Making you an offer you can't refuse"-
Just a Venmo request for booze
Our "front" is the lemonade stand,
During philanthropy week, oh so bland
The "underboss" forgot his laundry,
Now he's just feeling all groggy!
Chorus
We're the Alpha Beta Kappas,
Mobsters in mascara,
Cartel queens in Lilly prints,
Throwing shade and throwing hints
Cosa Nostra can't keep a secret,
Unless it's the WiFi, don't leak it!
Medellin's big heist tonight?
Just sneaking snacks in the fridge light!
Outro
From Medellin to Genovese,
We're extra, wild, and loud,
Sorority girls and mafia names,
Forever basic and proud!
New Jokes:
These cartel guys talk tough, but at pledge week,
they fold faster than a fitted sheet at grandma's.
The only "muscle" they flex is trying to open a White Claw,
and even then, they ask the Triad twins for help.
Bratva bros call it "going on the lam,"
but really, they just ghost the group chat after losing flip cup.
Cartel life? Please. You're not a boss-you're the punchline.
Locked up? The only cell you're in is your own stupidity.
You whine about being targets, but you'd take the fall
for CIA crimes just to keep your ass comfy.
MKUltra didn't break you-you signed up to host for
a bigger player too scared to swim upstream.
Not everyone drowns in undertows, but you? You're determined
to sink with every dumb decision.
Playing cartel now? Why? You think you're a badass?
Taking 360 years for a murder you didn't do
isn't justice or "turning tables"-it's just you being a pawn.
You're better off with Drew Lynch as your GPS.
Turn around! You're not smart, just rolling deep to hide
your lack of brains. Cartels target nobody and everybody-just
like you: all bluster, zero backbone.
When the CIA brought in a fake cartel hitman for NY-CA,
I thought, "If he's a cartel hitman, cool, who's he trying to be?"
But a CIA mole set him up-no way! I felt violated;
standards suddenly went up, down, and all around.
About being a hoe-I thought it was my choice.
Small town, broke, I owned it. But when
my body finally told me the truth, I realized,
wow, that's actually kinda nice of you. Then you
Xis came and ruined it! WTF!
And let's be real: women run more of the show now.
Guadalupe "La Patrona" ran billion-dollar ops, outsmarted rivals,
and even helped put El Chapo away.
Enedina Arellano Félix, "La Jefa," turned Tijuana Cartel
from bloodbaths to business deals-less violence, more profits.
She used accounting skills, built alliances, and kept it low-key,
proving brains beat bullets in the long run.
Women like them aren't sidekicks-they're the bosses, the brains,
the ones making real moves while you're stuck playing tough.
Meanwhile, consent isn't a two-for-one coupon, and
selling yourself short just means you're a rookie in
the aisles, not a cartel queen. You're so lost,
even Siri's asking, "Are n Siri us RN!?"
Drew Lynch said, "Turn around!" but you sold your own ace.
You think you're the main player, but you're just
background noise in your own story.
You fold faster than Drew's punchlines, bluffing so bad
even AI's got receipts. Keep playing tough, but you're
just another fail in the highlight reel. Maybe next time,
let the grown-ups drive. Until then, keep wondering why
the GPS keeps saying, "Recalculating."