Just a night. And it feels like decades has passed. Mom...why didn't you tell me?
She knew... She knew what was wrong with her and still... She didn't want to burden me or anyone. Who should I blame?
I toss and turn restlessly.
"Try to get some sleep Saint," requests Damien firmly looking at me. "Last night you didn't sleep either. Tomorrow's the day."
I know. I didn't want go back to my place alone so I asked Chris first. But Damien kept on insisting—for me to go with him. And here we are, huddled together in his bed. Am I so shaken that I couldn't even sleep alone in my house? Grandpaa also died on the day Mom was to perform in the competition... Ahh what am I thinking...
Is fate testing my faith and devotion? I don't want to... Why should I keep promises when she...
"You're quivering all over." He tries to steady me by pressing his body to mine.
But I move away from him. I can't feel helpless. I can't stop thinking about it.
He rolls to my side. Now he's on top of me, propped up—hands resting on both sides of my body. He leans down to my neck whispering softly, "Take off your clothes."
Does he think it's the right time to do something like this?
"Are you being serious right now?" I growl in rage and agony. The fear grips me so hard that a tear drop rolls down. "You will never... understand. I can't do this. I can't go there. I can't Damien. I cannot sing tomorrow."
I bury my head in the pillow and remain like that for some minutes before he pulls me out take hold of my face.
"Are you saying you won't be able to fulfill her wish?" His voice calm and full of emotions. "Your mother wishes to watch you sing. I'm sure tomorrow's event will be on live. And she'll be able to see you from there."
He lifts my chin. His corners stretch in an amusing smirk. "Will be be that stoic stock character again?"
He's guilt tripping me.
"As if I'm any better now?" I scorn disdainfully.
"Can't say. But one thing that I said before and will say now is certain, no matter what you choose..." His thumb now caresses the bottom-line of my lower lip. "I'll accept it. And I believe that's what your mom wants too."
I sigh. "I used to think... You're a famous over confident jerk who doesn't give a damn about anyone else. To know that you can be like this... How ironic."
"You aren't wrong. But I'm not like this for everyone I come across."
The depth in his voice contains raw wildness and uncertain ambiguity which makes me scared all of a sudden. Right now I'm alone—with Damien. Will he.. will we stay like this always? How the future will be? Will we walk in different paths?
"Don't you think I deserve a long break Damien?"
He tightens his arms around me. "From what?"
"Everything. I feel this urge to leave everything behind and disappear somewhere."
"Running away from problems?" His warm breath on my neck makes me fuzzy. "That isn't the Saint Angel I know."
I shudder in his arms. "Damien... You know... you're perfect." I give a wry exhausted laugh. "Also, I owe you an apology."
"Huh?" He furrows his eyebrows in doubt. "Why?"
"I...uh... heard from Mika—you have your own share of problems... That your father doesn't like your passion for music—being a stage singer that is." I put a hand on his right cheek. His skin is flawless, refined. "Now that I think about it—the beginning of the semester—your insistence upon me... Every occurance had its own purpose. It feels so long now..."
He traces a line just above my right eyebrow. I tremble. I'm still not fully used to his touch. His foggy pale red lips part. The black mole above his lips... Ah how it looks perfect on this flawless canvas of a face.
Mom is in hospital Saint! How selfish can you be to feel these feelings right now? I flinch at the thought then move away from him.
"Oi! Where you going?"
"To the other next room." I loiter at the threshold.
"It's not alright—for you to be alone right now." He clears his throat awkwardly as if he's kinda shy... saying stuffs like this.
I give a contemptuous laugh. "I will try my best to sleep, rest assured. You won't have to worry so much."
"I'm not!" He says aggressively at first but in the end his words falter. "Well... Fine. Rest your head and call me if needed."
Haha... he's treating me like a child.
I close the door.
I'm sorry Damien. When you'll wake you won't find me here. I'm not mad at you or anyone. Thank you for everything...you mischievous demon.
••••
Packing all this stuffs is tiring. I've been doing it since— I slipped out of his house this morning. He was sleeping like a bud of flower. The fact that someone like him can look so innocent while sleeping makes me grin on my own.
But I can't... It feels selfish to be happy knowing she won't have her true wishes fulfilled. Tomorrow... I don't know what will happen but... One thing's certain... I'm leaving this place...asap.
Whatever happens tomorrow— Mom's operation— I'll have to face it...alone. But even if things turn out alright— it'll be better for me to leave him.
Staying here while ignoring things like they don't exist—that's not how things work for me. Damien... He lives in his own made world... An entirely different world. I'm afraid I'll only be—a barrier between he and his unbridled dreams.
I dust off the old album while going through it. I know he'll call me and he'll want to see me. That's why I left him a note saying I want to be alone Damien. Don't come to me.
Someone rings the doorbell. Now now..m I'm not expecting anyone. Can it be Chris?
My expectations dim when I open the door.
"Dad?"
"How are you doing?" There's a lost regretful sheen to his eyes.
Did he come just to ask this?
"I know what you might be wondering..." He pauses.
"It's pointless anyway." I shrug. "Come inside." I invite him in reluctantly.
He settles on the couch. I don't try to initiate any type of conversation. He takes a photo of me and mom from the table and runs his hand over it.
"I came to have a talk with your mother about something. And I found her...in a typical state."
The word 'typical' might not sit right. It should be terrible.
"Never before I was scared like I was that day..."
Still I show no interest in knowing what he could possibly have to talk to her about. But he's here to tell me that I know. Whether I ask or not.
"I..." He takes his time. "To be honest I wanted to meet you. But you weren't home."
"You don't have to waste your time by repeating things we both already know."
He releases a long breath. "Right." He sighs. "I know I wasn't a great father either. You mother probably told you that a lot of times. I...have come to realise every mistake I've made over the years Saint. Even though it's often late when we come to regret things."
He puts a hand on his head. It seems like there's a lot of things in his head but what exactly he wants to say right now—doesn't know how to say it. It's as if he's imagining my reaction beforehand.
"Let's hear it. Whatever you have to say."
"I wanted to say it that day but I couldn't... The thing is, you won't have to do anything anymore. What you desire the most is what you're going to do in your life. What you've achieved or will achieve is what you deserve my boy. Everything you've done so far—you've already proven yourself a better man than I ever was."
Wow... That's a lot of thing.
His voice quavers as he removes his glasses, dabbing at the corners of his eyes. "I loved your mom. So much that I wanted to bind her. And I messed up horribly."
He puts his hand on my right shoulder. "Sometimes I wish if only I could undo things..."
He gets up then heads to the door.
That's it? Is that all?
When I'm thinking that he turns back. His eyes rove over the scattered clothes and the suitcase, the photo album resting on the couch, the electric piano and my notebooks on the shelf.
"Now that it's just one step away—will you run away again?"
••••
Chris has called me three times already. I didn't answer. He's calling me again.
I went to the hospital. So did Chris. Her condition worsened. Her frail health couldn't withstand surgery so the doctor suggested Systemic Chemo. She couldn't even eat properly. She's still breathing and hoping for the best but what if... What if...
"Open up Saint. How long are you going to lock yourself in?"
He's outside my house, banging on the door. I look at the clock to distract myself from the burdening thoughts.
Time's flowing like the savage waves of sea. I'm not going anywhere. Few more hours... Gotta spend few more hours. I have to go to her. I want to stay with her but... seeing her makes me so utterly terrified... It aches...so badly... A crushing burden... Forcing to plunge myself deep in water...
I keep my head down on my knees wrapping both arms around it—balled up in a corner. "Go away Chris."
"Everybody's waiting Saint. Our friends are waiting for us. You can't betray them in the last moment."
"Why don't you go then huh? Quit telling me what to do," I yell stubbornly covering my ears.
"Golden Rush has arrived at Aster Stadium already."
"I don't care!"
Does he think I'm alright just because I look alright? Do I look like I'm in any state to perform tonight? I won't make a fool of myself out there. Everytime I look at the mirror I feel like breaking it.
Some times pass. I don't hear him anymore. Is he gone? Probably. Surprisingly it's all quiet.
Suddenly I hear a loud bang— a strong kick at the door outside.
"Saint—" Damien's desperate voice threatens to crush me as I crawl to the bed and hide underneath.
"I've kept myself locked in here since morning. He can't come into my room." I assure myself.
"Will you come out or should I break this damn door? It's a five-finger exercise y'know."
Oh no... No! No...this can't be happening... Why? Why?
BOOM!!! Another loud bang.
He really kicked the door open! He's insane!! The Hell!
His rapid violent footsteps make me shake all over. Anxiety overtakes my nerves with each passing second.
"Now now Saint-where are you hiding?"
I crawl out from under the bed. But I can't stop these intrusive thoughts! It's as if someone's strangling me. Maybe I'm going crazy.
The door to my room is kicked open just like the main door.
"No he can't... He can't see me like this. I cannot..." My breath hitches as I choke on my sobs.
"Saint! Are you..." He goes on all four to creep towards me. "Damn you're not." He pulls up my trembling body.
"You-you shouldn't-" I gasp for breath. "Shouldn't be here right now Damien."
"I came for you partner," he says holding my face with care. "To take you with me."
"Go without me Damien. I'll only be a burden."
"Nonsense!" He raises his dark husky voice. Then he strokes my cheek with the back of his hand. "Come. You don't like self-pitying, do you?"
"Huh? But..."
He drags me to the bathroom.
"What're you doing? Stop..." Ah! When did he ever listen to me?
"We still have time. I believe we can make it."
"W-what?" I bite on my lips feeling worried and scared.
"Calm yourself first Saint. You're shaking too much." He locks both of my hands around his neck forcing me to look him in the eyes.
"I can't! I can't!" I scream in agony. "I can't stop feeling like I'm a complete vain!" My hands around his neck loosen up.
This time he pulls me closer, shielding my body with his own.
"Am I going crazy Damien? I can't help feeling that I'll bring failure to you."
"No you won't."