The first official day of my job as the Villain's Harem Manager began with tea.
Poisoned tea.
Let me explain.
---
Two hours earlier.
I woke up in the absurdly luxurious bed that came with my new life as Leora Valenstein, personal assistant to Rael Nocturne, the man most likely to kill me for mispronouncing "good morning." Soft velvet blankets tangled around my legs like the claws of fate. My head pounded from dreams where I was forced to write fanfiction about my own death.
The system hovered in the air again:
> [Welcome back, Leora!]
[Survival Status: Unstable.]
[Rael Nocturne Trust Level: 2%. One wrong move = annihilation.]
[Harem Target #1 arriving in: 5 hours.]
[To Do: DO NOT DIE.]
I groaned into my pillow.
Being reincarnated was one thing.
Being expected to seduce five dangerous men for someone else while keeping the most powerful dark mage in the realm emotionally stable?
That was criminal.
I dragged myself to the vanity, tied my hair into the same low ponytail Leora always wore in the illustrations, and practiced my smile.
It looked like I was about to file someone's taxes and then stab them.
Perfect.
I stepped into the hallway of Castle Nocturne, where the decor screamed "gothic murder dungeon meets royalty." Black marble floors. Blood-red banners. Suits of armor that turned their heads when you passed.
The servants bowed as I walked by—except they didn't seem scared of me.
They looked pitying.
Like I was a kitten thrown into a wyvern den.
And honestly? Fair.
---
"Your tea, Miss Valenstein."
I paused mid-step as one of the maids—nervous, with shaky hands—held out a silver tray. On it: a delicate glass teacup with fragrant violet-colored tea, the same drink Leora had always sipped while writing Rael's murder schedule or ordering assassinations.
In the novel, she drank this exact tea on a stormy Tuesday in Chapter 12.
And promptly dropped dead.
I narrowed my eyes at it.
System, I thought.
> [Analyzing substance...]
[Status: Mildly Poisoned. Death within 3 minutes. Fatality chance: 89%. Recommended Action: DO. NOT. DRINK.]
My smile didn't falter.
"Lovely," I said, taking the cup. "Wouldn't dream of starting my day without it."
I walked calmly to the nearest window, stared at the horizon for dramatic effect… and then yeeted the entire drink into the rose garden three floors below.
Somewhere, a pigeon squawked in protest.
The maid gasped. "My lady—!"
I turned to her, still smiling. "Send my compliments to the kitchen. But tell them if they try to kill me again, I'll replace their hearts with honey pots and feed them to Rael's spiders."
She dropped the tray and bolted.
I exhaled slowly.
"That's one attempted murder before breakfast. We're off to a great start."
---
Hours later.
Rael Nocturne stood in front of the war table in the throne room, arms crossed, golden eyes narrowed. Behind him loomed maps with burning pins, scrolls of intercepted letters, and magical projections of cities glowing with unrest.
And then there was me.
Standing beside him with a clipboard labeled:
> "Potential Harem Members: Personality Profiles, Seduction Risk, and Conflict Level"
He eyed me suspiciously.
"I still think you're hallucinating."
"And I still think you're emotionally constipated," I replied brightly.
He glared.
I cleared my throat. "Our first target arrives today. Please don't kill him."
"Why is this happening again?"
"Because if you don't fall in love, the world explodes."
"Good."
I sighed. "Do you want love or vengeance?"
He actually paused at that.
Progress.
---
The castle gates.
I stood beside Rael, whose cloak billowed despite the complete absence of wind (someone please explain how he does that). The guards snapped to attention as a rider galloped through the gates on a pure white horse that sparkled in the sunlight like it had just been Photoshopped.
I recognized him instantly.
Kael Seraphim.
Paladin of the First Light.
Holy Knight.
The first love interest in the original novel.
Also known as: "The walking slab of golden perfection with abs that could deflect arrows."
He dismounted with princely grace, his armor gleaming, golden curls falling over his eyes. He looked around with calm curiosity until his gaze landed on Rael.
Then everything in his posture turned to steel.
"Dark Lord," Kael said coldly.
"Tin can," Rael replied.
I sighed. "Boys, please."
Kael turned to me. His eyes widened a fraction.
"You are…"
"Leora Valenstein," I said, extending a hand. "Harem manager."
"I—what."
"Your room is ready. Follow me."
He stared at me like I'd grown a second head. Rael muttered something about holy interference. I dragged the shiny knight into the castle before either of them could pull out weapons.
---
Five minutes later.
Kael stood awkwardly in his suite as I handed him a magically enchanted pillow and a scroll labeled "Rael's Romantic Preferences."
He blinked at the title.
"You expect me to woo the most dangerous man alive?"
I smiled. "Yes. Or at least not stab him. We'll work on the wooing later."
He stared at me. "What is wrong with you?"
"Where do I start."
The system flashed:
> [Kael Seraphim – Harem Target 1]
Affection Level: 3%
Trust Level: 5%
Kill Rael Level: 89%
Great.
---
That night.
Dinner was a disaster.
Rael sat at the head of the long obsidian table, glaring at Kael.
Kael sat at the other end, praying audibly.
I sat between them, pouring wine like my life depended on it. Because it did.
"Lovely weather today," I said.
"Storms over the northern border," Rael muttered.
"I saw a butterfly!" Kael chirped with forced cheer.
Rael's glass shattered.
System flashed:
> [TENSION LEVEL: 96%. RECOMMENDED ACTION: Seduce, distract, or run.]
I stood up, knocked over my chair, and shouted:
"DANCE BREAK!"
Both men froze.
"What," they said in perfect unison.
Too late.
The enchanted orchestra in the corner sprang to life. I grabbed Kael's hand, yanked him to his feet, and dragged him into the center of the hall.
He stumbled after me, still in full armor.
I smiled, gritted teeth and all. "Look happy. You're not dead yet."
"I don't dance."
"You do now."
Rael watched with a murderous expression as I forced Kael to spin in clunky, clanking circles around the marble floor. His hand brushed my waist. His eyes met mine.
And for a second—just a second—I remembered why people shipped him so hard in the fandom.
He was… really pretty.
"Oh no," I whispered.
"What?"
"Nothing. Keep dancing."
---
Later that night, the system pinged again:
> [Kael Affection +4%]
[Rael Jealousy +3%]
[Leora Sanity -10%]
I collapsed into bed, stared at the ceiling, and whispered:
"Day one: survived. Barely."
Tomorrow, four more problems arrive.
And I think Rael might already be planning how to 'accidentally' throw Kael into a lava pit.