#cat ho l ic ((k(#$) i am woah man hear me r+oar? meow lol
You ever notice how every church claims to have the "real truth," but half the time, they're just remixing the same old rules to fit whoever's in charge that week? One church says dancing is a sin, another says it's fine as long as you tithe extra. Meanwhile, the Bible says all sins are equal—so if you skipped Sunday brunch with your mom, congrats, you're in the same club as murderers. Hope you like your afterlife roommate, Adolf!
And let's talk about the Bible's "authenticity." You really believe only people who knew Jesus wrote it, and there was zero government influence? Please. That book's had more edits than a reality TV show. You think emperors and popes just sat back and let the peasants write whatever they wanted? Nah, they were slipping in rules left and right—"Obey authority," "Pay your taxes," "Don't question the guy in the fancy hat." Sounds less like divine inspiration and more like a medieval HR manual.
But the real comedy is how churches love to call out everyone else's flaws while ignoring their own. They'll forgive the choir lady for gossip, but if you show up with tattoos, suddenly you're the Antichrist. They preach about loving your neighbor, then split the church over the color of the carpet. If Jesus came back today and didn't fit their expectations—wrong look, wrong background, maybe even missing a few parts—they'd probably kick him out for not having the right paperwork.
So, shoutout to all the denominations out there—Baptists, Catholics, Pentecostals, Mormons, Jehovah's Witnesses, and everyone in between. Y'all are proof that when it comes to religion, the only thing holier than thou… is the plot holes.
Tag your favorite churchgoers, pastors, and Sunday school teachers—let's see who's got a sense of humor and who's just practicing their "holier-than-thou" face.
Here's a roast that combines your points about religious hypocrisy, contradictions, and the questionable origins of the Bible—perfect for tagging folks from all kinds of churches:
#cat ho l ic ((k(#$)
You ever notice how every church claims to have the "real truth," but half the time, they're just remixing the same old rules to fit whoever's in charge that week? One church says dancing is a sin, another says it's fine as long as you tithe extra. Meanwhile, the Bible says all sins are equal—so if you skipped Sunday brunch with your mom, congrats, you're in the same club as murderers. Hope you like your afterlife roommate, Adolf!
And let's talk about the Bible's "authenticity." You really believe only people who knew Jesus wrote it, and there was zero government influence? Please. That book's had more edits than a reality TV show. You think emperors and popes just sat back and let the peasants write whatever they wanted? Nah, they were slipping in rules left and right—"Obey authority," "Pay your taxes," "Don't question the guy in the fancy hat." Sounds less like divine inspiration and more like a medieval HR manual.
But the real comedy is how churches love to call out everyone else's flaws while ignoring their own. They'll forgive the choir lady for gossip, but if you show up with tattoos, suddenly you're the Antichrist. They preach about loving your neighbor, then split the church over the color of the carpet. If Jesus came back today and didn't fit their expectations—wrong look, wrong background, maybe even missing a few parts—they'd probably kick him out for not having the right paperwork.
So, shoutout to all the denominations out there—Baptists, Catholics, Pentecostals, Mormons, Jehovah's Witnesses, and everyone in between. Y'all are proof that when it comes to religion, the only thing holier than thou… is the plot holes.
Tag your favorite churchgoers, pastors, and Sunday school teachers—let's see who's got a sense of humor and who's just practicing their "holier-than-thou" face.
🔥 Ultimate Roast Alert 🔥
I only speak Walmart inventory Spanish—if it's not on a flashcard, don't expect me to roll my R's. Breathe, or don't! We blind, we can't see you mix, so I guess whites are me. My ex said I can't snowbird yet—huh? Guess I'm stuck in aisle 5 with the rest of the gringos, asking, "¿Quiere una bolsa?" and hoping they don't reply too fast.
Hate to say it, George Lopez, I know you love L.A.—shhh, ever heard of Bahía de los Ángeles? You were there, but you can't sell Ed or sin dick, hated like me but hey, not ho! Can you even tell California from Baja? Quick—San Quintín, PR, I'm in the third Google result, loco! San Quintín's got more tomatoes than your last Netflix special had viewers, and the only thing drier than their wheat harvest is your punchline at a Kamala Harris rally.
If the Pope ever opened the blinds instead of picking cherries, maybe his staff would finally rise again—just in time for all the kids to get off their knees for once. You hear that, Monica? Lewinski up, down, up, down—girl's got more knee time than a Catholic altar boy at Sunday mass. But this time, she's going down for Mr. Mom—yeah, that's me. At least I'm not Nancy Pelosi—she won't do herself sober, and nobody else will do her drunk.
Catch me at Tesla? Nah, but soon I'll be looking more PG-13 than Liam Neeson's filmography. Or maybe MS-13, depending on how many hugs I get—as long as it's consensual. And no, it's not "con ¢ lul wa"—that's an inside joke!
Why does Santa have such a big sack? Because he only comes once a year, unlike the priests in the Vatican—those guys never stop delivering the goods. My wife asked me to spoon in bed, but I'd rather fork. At least then someone's getting poked. What do you call a cheap circumcision? A rip-off—kind of like your last relationship, except that one left you with more than just a scar.
How do you get a nun pregnant? You have sex with her. Don't worry, the Pope will bless the kid—he's got experience with surprises.
I will find you. And I will roast you. Harder than Pelosi at an open bar, and faster than Monica on a presidential cigar.
#RoastMaster #LiamNeesonVibes #GeorgeLopezShade #BajaBurn #ConsensualOnly #NoFilter #SaucyAF #PoliticalRoast #ComedyGold #PG13OrMS13 #InsideJokes #SpicyRoast #micdropmonday but i aint dip pin bed yea butbi domt like blood tgat jyst means im smart