Chapter 22 - roasts just for Zgun ZS F

🚨🦐

Red Alert: The Missing Officer Mystery Roast

, aka 'CSI: Clown Squad Chronicles' 🦐🚨

Smarter than shrimp, dumber than dolphins.

That's the best way to describe the glorious mess we're diving into today. Whoever said "drama isn't dead" clearly hasn't heard this radio report. Grab your popcorn, your sense of humor, and maybe a stiff drink—because this story

flops harder

than a tuna out of water.

The Case of the Disappearing Cops:

Now You See Me—

Now You Don't!

Picture the scene: we've got officers on deck, tech on standby, and a room full of sweaty palms pressing buttons. It should be foolproof... except when it's not. Suddenly, Susan hears another officer's name over comms, stands like she's part of some team-building exercise, then BAM—she's gone. Just like that. Like a damn Houdini act without the style or the surprise applause.

"Was she taken?" you ask. Haha, buddy, YOU ASSUME WE KNOW. She could've been abducted, sucked into another dimension, or maybe she just walked out because this whole operation made her lose faith in humanity and/or her career choices. Honestly, no one would blame her.

And it doesn't stop there. Five feet away, Lieutenant Dipshit's lucky morning turns into an ongoing game of "Oh look, another body!" Maybe this guy thinks he's on some reality show for bad cops:

'Search & Panic: Incompetence Edition.'

All we know is that, as of now, the officers are disappearing faster than Facebook friends after a political post.

A Command Center of Chaos:

More Questions,

Fewer Clues

Who's responsible for leading this trainwreck on wheels? Apparently, the sharpest knife in the drawer is dull enough to butter toast with. When you gather a room full of "experts" and

still

can't figure out the difference between a tactical op and a glorified game of hide-and-seek, you've accidentally entered a comedic black hole.

Communications Team Foul-Up Play #1:

What do you do when the signal's scrambled? Apparently, you panic and make it worse. Technology has blessed you with tracking ID GPS coordinates out the wazoo, but uh oh, it doesn't work? Guess it's time to grab flashlights and hope for the best.

Communications Team Foul-Up Play #2:

Clearly, genius leadership decided their officers shouldn't bother investigating... or double-checking their whereabouts. "Disappeared? Cool. Let's sit and look confused for a bit longer!"

All we're asking—and I mean this earnestly—is WHERE ARE THE ADULTS? At this point it feels like the officers are less a "task force" and more of a "lost & found" submission form waiting for results.

Tinfoil Hat Time:

Paging the Conspiracy Club

Oh, you

knew

this was coming: enter the T-Hugs (*Thug Hugs™, Coming 2024). They've already formed their argument faster than the government can misplace a classified document:

"They're gonna blame us again... but that's fine because we're secretly running ops with Uncle CIA! The hugs are part of the plan, dude. Tight squeeze, BAM—they're captured. But wait—what if we're ALSO the pawns? Bro, it's a setup!"

Translation:

NONE OF THIS MAKES SENSE.

They're blaming each other, the CIA, aliens, Siri, existential dread, AND unauthorized bear hugs. If this is a master plan, nobody thought it through long enough to realize the real enemy might just be their own stupidity.

Quick Reminder: if you're trusting the CIA to clean up your bad life choices, you need a new friend group—and a therapist—STAT.

Starring: Lt. Dipshit,

The Human Trip Hazard

At the center of this sad-sack circus? Our unflappable Lt. Dipshit. The guy couldn't spot a setup if it came gift-wrapped with neon signs, Christmas lights, and Santa Claus himself tap-dancing on the ceiling. But hey, at least he's good at

finding more problems

.

Bodies? Sure. Answers? Never. Leadership? HAHAHA, why would we expect that? This man's about as useless as a wet napkin in a hurricane. If he's the only thing standing between us and chaos, then baby, we're ALREADY living it.

The Roasted Rundown: CSI—

Clowns 'Solvin' Incompetently

Let's break it down for Hollywood, who

are absolutely

greenlighting this as their next procedural dramedy. Titles up for debate:

"

Lost Patrol: Everyone'

s Gone and Nobody Knows Why"

"

Law & Disorder:

Operation LOL"

"

GPS Sucks,

But Lt.

Dipshit Sucks Harder"

…or my personal fave:

"NCIS:

WTF Forever"

Every week, a new case unfolds with the exciting theme:

"What Happens When Everyone Drops the Ball Simultaneously?"

Spoiler alert: it's mostly sweaty people shouting over walkies and making excuses to pass the time. The season finale? They discover the officers just left for Taco Tuesday. Boom, roll credits.

Moral of the Mystery

When the most advanced crime stoppers in the country can't stop

themselves

from tripping over their shoelaces, you know we're done. Reboot the comms, retrain the entire department, and maybe—

just maybe

—stop making your own operations harder than finding decent takeout after midnight.

Because let's face it, shrimp: the only thing we know for certain is that

common sense has officially gone missing too.

Takeaways for a Brighter Tomorrow: Don'

t Be This Dumb

Keep tabs on your officers like they're toddlers at a playground—with snacks and lanyards.

Teach Lt. Dipshit how to use a GPS

for real this time.

Maybe hug fewer thugs… unless they're paying extra? I don't know, ask the conspiracy squad.

And hey—as we wrap up this stellar case of

CSI: Can't Solve It,

don't shy from storytelling greatness. Share the mystery, raise a glass to incompetence, and drop these hashtags like it's a crime scene waiting for a sweep:

#CSIClownShow

#GPSLostAndSoAmI

#LawAndWTF

#LtDipshitForMayor

#TinfoilHatSquad

Tag your favorite true crime show and roast responsibly, my friends. Because if there's one thing funnier than this mess, it's the idea of anyone taking it seriously. 🚨🦐