22/01/2331
I really need to get my heart off my chest, because what I went through earlier today has brought my heart into a shocking standstill and my mental subconscious has almost literally evaporated into a state of paralyzed shock, it is still so hard to believe what has become of my once so kind and good-hearted boy!
I can still not fully comprehend the situation I am in right now, even my husband is at loss of words, he is constantly reflecting on himself and on the dire circumstances we are bathing ourselves in since the morning of this horrible day, because of the actions of our troubled son.
I can now no longer deny that Selucas and I have grown apart, he no longer follows the path I and my husband hoped he would take, a path that just a while ago seemed so obvious and straight-forward, but now has taken a different turn completely!
Selucas has lost his mind over the last few months, ever since we came here in Ardenburg, such a lovely and fine city. Who could have thought that exactly here at this environment full of green and trees he would go astray from everything he once aspired to be, everything he enjoyed doing before and everything he cherished....
I ask myself constantly: Do I share responsibility for what had happened? What should I have done differently? Could I have seen it coming earlier? Was there any way to avoid this wretched came-to-be? So many questions....
It is still hard for me to sort everything out, for the first time I am seriously and in deep earnestly thinking about Selucas' misbegotten conditions, unfortunately now already is too late, I am well aware that I should have acted sooner, as a mother it is my plight to watch over my boy and of course I feel ashamed that my boy could do such a things!
Perhaps I share the bigger responsibility in these very bad turns of happenings and events.... maybe I should take the full blame on me for all that happened, so that Selucas gets out of punishment, he is still so young and I as a parent and elder has raised him, so it must be that the root of the problem lies with me, his pivotal educator, the cornerstone of his upgrowning.
Even so.... the things he did are things that I and my husband really cannot recall on teaching him, his upbringing was not particularly strict, he enjoyed much freedom, and I never told him things about violence, in contrary I very much disliked anything about that subject, the books I bought for him, the movies we went to see together as a family and the toys I bought for him never had that theme, I avoided it in full conscious so as that he would not turn into one of those boys that are obsessed with everything that has to do with fighting, bloodshed and explosives. So as that he would not become one of those boys that is endlessly playing stupid wargames and shouting against screens and that sort of stuff.
But here I am, and here I sit with an aching feeling of hopelessness twisting my reality upside down, resulting in this state of forlornness, a dark void has surrounded me and as of now I really do not know what action I should take, which direction I should go, because everything around me is now shrouded in darkness; my boy has become a criminal!