Midnight.
All was still.
All was calm.
Except, of course, in the part of the ducal estate where sanity went to die.
I lay motionless in bed, arms stiff at my sides, eyes wide open, clutching my pillow like a sacred talisman against evil. The moment my head hit the pillow earlier, I'd heard it: the distant shuffle of slippered feet. The ghostly whisper of breathless anticipation. The unnerving creak of floorboards carrying the sound of doomed love.
They were coming.
The Jealous Five.
Princess Seraphina, noble and possessive; Drakana, dragon-born and combustible; Sister Lilia, pure and deranged; Rosette the Maid, too quiet to be trusted; and finally, sweet little Belle, who once baked me cookies shaped like my severed limbs. Adorable.
Yes, each of my five yandere childhood friends-slash-fiancées was undoubtedly planning a solo "surprise visit" to my bedroom tonight, and by surprise, I meant "a highly coordinated attempt to become the only woman in my bed."
Unfortunately for them—and even more unfortunately for me—they all had the exact same idea.
At the exact same time.
System Notification:
[Warning: YANDERE COLLISION DETECTED]
[Initiating Conflict Protocol: "Who Let the Crazies Out" Mode]
The door handle twitched.
Then stopped.
Followed by three soft knocks.
"Rei… are you awake~?" whispered a voice, unmistakably Princess Seraphina's. "I had a terrible dream… I was married to someone else. You have to erase that memory with cuddles."
Unbeknownst to her, a shadow slithered through the window behind her—Drakana, crawling upside down along the walls like some sort of sultry lizard-ninja hybrid.
"Out of the way, royal reject," Drakana hissed. "Tonight's cuddle quota is mine."
"Excuse me?" Seraphina turned, flipping her hair like a whip. "He needs royalty in his arms, not a walking furnace with anger management issues."
A click of polished shoes echoed from the hallway.
"I came to pray with him before sleep," said Lilia, appearing with a glowing lamp in one hand and a marriage license in the other. "And to rehearse our vows. Again."
"Oh dear," Rosette's voice said flatly as she emerged from the shadows, holding a tea tray with alarming stability. "It seems the entire farm has shown up to compete for the single egg."
Belle appeared last, crawling out of a vent like an adorable gremlin. "Did someone say eggs? I brought breakfast! In bed! And poison. But I forgot which is which~"
All five women now stood at the threshold of my room, faces smiling, eyes not. The air crackled with sweet, pink-flavored malice.
I pulled the covers over my head and prayed to Goddess Eris.
Of course, she didn't answer.
Instead, my bedroom door creaked open.
The kind of creak that should come with a health warning.
Five feminine silhouettes stood frozen in a classic standoff position, like a magical girl version of Reservoir Dogs.
"Get. Out." said Seraphina to Drakana.
"No. You get out." Drakana bared her fangs. "Royal bedtime privileges revoked."
"I'll burn your tiara," Seraphina said sweetly.
"I'll melt your shoes."
"I'll curse your shampoo!"
"I'll EAT YOUR PILLOW!"
"Girls…" Lilia interjected, placing a gentle hand on both of their shoulders. "We're all sisters in faith and love. Perhaps we should take turns sleeping beside him. I brought a rota."
"No," Belle pouted, hugging a plushie shaped like my face. "We all sleep together. Like one big happy family. With knives."
"I agree," Rosette said, setting the tea tray down silently. "I've already drugged the tea to ensure a peaceful evening."
They all stared at her.
"…What?" she blinked. "Too forward?"
Then the yelling started.
"HE'S MINE TONIGHT!"
"I LICKED HIS FACE FIRST!"
"I WAS ENGAGED TO HIM AT AGE THREE!"
"I SEWED HIM A HEART PILLOW WITH MY BLOOD!"
"IT WAS ONE TIME, BELLE!"
Meanwhile, I lay frozen under the covers, internally composing my last will and testament in my head.
"To my loving father, I leave the ashes of my sanity. To the estate, I leave an active crime scene. And to the system… go to hell."
Suddenly, there was a flash of movement.
Seraphina lunged at Drakana with a pillow-shaped projectile.
Drakana countered with a burst of dragonflame that singed the tapestry.
Rosette hurled teacups with sniper precision.
Lilia summoned a holy barrier to deflect it, while chanting vows.
Belle pulled out a frying pan. "Time for a concussive cuddle~!"
System Notification:
[Event Triggered: Bedroom Battle Royale – Jealous Five Edition]
[Reward: Survival]
I crawled toward the window, but a holy chain spell from Lilia snapped around my ankle.
"Stay, darling," she called lovingly from the chaos. "Your wives are just… bonding."
"WITH BLOOD!"
That came from Drakana, who had now conjured a lava whip and was fighting Seraphina across the bed. Rosette floated ghost-like above the curtains, raining down utensils like a Michelin-star specter. Belle had set up bear traps around the perimeter, and Lilia was now conducting a wedding rehearsal for a stunned coat rack.
I could only scream internally.
My pillow had been shredded into confetti.
My curtains were now a makeshift noose.
My bedsheets were being used as a net.
And all five girls had declared martial law.
"STOP!" I cried out, rising from the wreckage like a half-dead groundhog. "Please! There's only one me! Don't I deserve rest?! Sanity?! Human dignity?!"
They all paused.
Seraphina blinked. "Well… when you say it like that…"
"He looks kinda pale…" Belle added, poking my cheek.
Rosette frowned. "Did someone interrupt his REM cycle?"
Lilia gasped. "I forgot the bedtime prayer!"
Drakana cracked her neck. "Fine. One night off. But next time, we duel with chainsaws."
System Notification:
[YANDERE TENSION: DIFFUSED]
[Affection Points: +10 (from all parties)]
[Mental Stability: -49]
As they helped tuck me back into what remained of the bed, I stared at the ceiling with the blank expression of a man who had lost a staring contest with five hurricanes.
"Can we… agree on ground rules next time?" I croaked.
"Of course!" Seraphina smiled.
"We'll make a sign-up board!" Lilia beamed.
"Weekly shifts!" Belle clapped.
"I'll monitor the cameras!" Rosette added.
"I'm sleeping here anyway," Drakana yawned, curling up at the foot of the bed like a smug lizard-cat.
I gave up.
System Notification:
[New Title Acquired: Human Stress Ball]
[Sleep Mode: Denied]
[You poor, poor bastard.]
And thus concluded the Battle of the Bedroom—a fierce, passionate war fought with pillows, pride, poison, and love.
I survived.
Barely.
And maybe, just maybe…
I enjoyed it.
(But don't quote me on that.)
To be continued…