The bath was supposed to be sacred.
A place of respite. A sanctuary of steam, silence, and solitude. A fleeting moment of peace in a madhouse masquerading as nobility.
But peace had long since declared bankruptcy in Rei's life.
He sat neck-deep in a pool carved from moonstone, its surface perfumed with lavender oils and alchemized rose petals. A gentle waterfall trickled down one wall, steaming the air to a misty haze. Enchanted crystals glowed softly, casting his bare chest in a shimmering light that might've been sensual, had he not been gripping the edges of the tub like a man awaiting a firing squad.
Because he was.
Every five minutes, a maid knocked on the door.
"Master Rei? Would you like help scrubbing your back~?"
"Lord Rei, I have your bedtime cocoa, I mixed in my tears just like you like it."
"Rei-sama, Lady Seraphina said she'll teleport in naked if you don't answer in ten seconds."
He buried his face into the bathwater with a strangled scream. A torrent of bubbles rose.
[System Notification: Stress Levels Approaching Critical. Recommended Action: Pray.]
He surfaced with a gasp, rubbing water from his eyes. "I'm not praying," he hissed. "The last time I prayed, I got turned into a yakitori skewer and tossed into yandere hell."
[System Note: We now call it "Affectionate Eternity." Please mind your tone.]
He groaned and slouched lower.
"I just want to soak without being assassinated by affection," he muttered, glancing around. "At least here… I'm alone…"
The mirror above the bath rippled.
Not metaphorically. Literally.
The silver glass twisted like liquid mercury before a burst of pink sparkles exploded outward, and with a sassy hair flip and slurping sound, she appeared.
Floating upside down. Wearing a ramen-stained hoodie that read: "My job is divine, your life is not." A bowl of flaming spicy noodles hovered beside her.
"EYYY~" the goddess chirped.
Rei screamed and nearly slipped under the water again.
"ERIS?!"
"In the flesh!" She spun right-side-up, reclined in midair, and kicked her bunny slippers off with a yawn. "Mmm, man, I needed this. Being a cosmic bureaucrat of reincarnated love-horror stories is so exhausting."
Rei flailed toward the nearest towel, clutching it to his chest like a scandalized maiden.
"G-Get out! I'm naked!"
"I've seen worse," Eris said nonchalantly, shoving a full bite of noodles into her mouth and slurping violently. "Remember that one time you forgot to lock your door on Earth and—"
"SHUT UP! That was ONE TIME!"
"Pfft." She waved him off, floating down so her butt hovered just above the steaming surface, her reflection visible even on the water. "Relax. I'm only here for your first official Goddess Intervention."
"…There are going to be more?"
"Of course!" she said brightly. "You're currently flagged with an SSS-rank Yandere Density rating. That's very rare. Even Demon Lords usually cap at SS."
"I don't want to be ranked in anything," he growled. "I just want peace."
Eris cackled.
"Adorable. Anyway, I brought some… helpful advice. Tips, tricks, trauma prevention."
She snapped her fingers.
A holographic scroll appeared, labeled:
『 YANDERE SURVIVAL 101 – Vol. 1 』
Rei stared in horror.
"Do I even want to know what's in that?"
Eris smirked, twirling a glowing pointer stick that materialized from sparkles.
"Lesson one!" she declared, striking a pose. "Never show favoritism. Even accidentally. Especially not with food. You give Lilia one extra spoon of sugar? Drakana burns the kitchen down."
"I already figured that out," Rei muttered. "My pillow was incinerated last night."
"Lesson two: Trust no smiles."
"What?"
"None. Zero. The more beautiful and innocent it looks—" she leaned in and tapped his forehead, "—the higher the kill count behind it."
He swallowed.
"Rosette?"
"Triple-digit body count. Probably an assassin raised by nuns. Those are the worst."
Rei sagged. "Of course she is."
Eris took another slurp of noodles, the spice so intense that the noodles briefly caught fire mid-air.
"Lesson three," she said, voice muffled by chewing, "Don't… ever… run."
"That sounds counterintuitive."
"Nooope." She wagged her chopsticks at him. "The moment you flee, you trigger the apex predator response. You stop being a beloved darling and start being a challenge. A prize to be recaptured. Trust me, Drakana has already mapped out all national escape routes and carved a teleportation rune into your heel."
Rei blinked.
"My… heel?"
Eris shrugged. "She licked you, didn't she? That's how dragons bond and tag their mates. You're basically under magical GPS now."
Rei buried his face in the towel.
"I hate everything."
"And that's okay!" she chirped. "Now, Lesson Four—"
"No more lessons!"
"But this one's about what to do if they all synchronize their obsession and form a murder harem!"
"I SAID NO MORE!"
A beat of silence passed.
Eris pouted.
"You're no fun."
"I'm traumatized!"
She sighed, floating upside-down again and lazily spinning above the mirror. "Fine, fine. I'll leave the survival guide in your system archives. You'll thank me when Seraphina tries to detonate your bath salts again."
Rei blinked.
"Again?"
"Mmhm. She was going to surprise you this morning with 'explosive pheromone crystals.' I intercepted the courier."
Rei looked pale.
"Why are you even helping me?"
Eris grinned, suddenly right-side-up again, her face alarmingly close to his.
"Because I like you, Rei-kun. You're the only reincarnator in centuries who didn't ask for a harem. You just wanted a damn book and some peace."
"…So?"
"So you're funny." She winked. "And I'm bored."
She floated backward into the mirror like it was liquid, pausing only to toss him a small waterproof scroll. It floated to the water's surface, glowing softly.
"What's this?"
"Emergency teleport scroll. One-time use. Instantly warps you into a safehouse I set up."
He blinked in astonishment.
"…You're giving me a cheat item?"
Eris smirked. "It only works if you scream 'I Regret Everything' at the top of your lungs. Very specific condition. But hey. Might save your life."
She began to vanish into the mirror.
"Oh, and Rei?"
"…Yeah?"
"Make sure you wear pants tomorrow. Rosette scheduled your laundry for incineration. You'll be very, very naked by breakfast."
And with that—
She was gone.
Silence returned.
The steam curled around his body, and the only sound was the gentle dripping of water from the waterfall.
Rei stared at the mirror.
Then at the scroll.
Then at his reflection.
"…I'm gonna die."
[System Notification: Affirmative.]
He screamed again.
To Be Continued…