By the time I reached the capital, Farlontishelia — yes, that's the actual name of this kingdom, may the gods forgive whoever made it up — I was covered in dirt, chicken feathers, and… I think cheese?
Sir Hornsalot had followed me the entire way. No matter how many times I told the village goat to stay behind, he refused. At this point, I suspected he was the final boss.
Farlontishelia was huge. Grand marble towers, golden statues, and a giant gate guarded by two men so serious they probably hadn't smiled since birth.
Perfect targets.
Quest Reminder:
[Prank a Royal Guard]
Reward: Ultimate Joke Scroll
I licked my lips like a man about to commit war crimes — comedic war crimes.
I walked up to the gate, swagger in my step and Sir Hornsalot beside me like a fuzzy steed of doom.
"Halt," one guard said. "State your name and purpose."
"I am Yato of Chickpea Village," I announced with pride. "I've come to join the fight against the Demon Lord!"
The guards exchanged a glance.
"…never heard of Chickpea Village."
"And what's with the goat?"
"Don't insult my emotional support livestock," I snapped.
They narrowed their eyes. "Do you have credentials?"
I grinned. "Better."
[Ability Activated: Banana Peel Slip Trap]
One second, both guards were standing proudly. The next…
WHOOP. THUNK.
They slipped, collided mid-air, and landed face-first on the stone path, armor clanking like pots in a hurricane.
A crowd gathered.
Silence.
Then laughter. Children pointed. Vendors chuckled. Someone threw confetti.
[Quest Complete: Pranked Royal Guard]
[Reward: Ultimate Joke Scroll Obtained]
I held the scroll up like Simba from The Lion King.
It glowed. Trumpets sounded in the distance, probably from the heavens. Or maybe from the nearby marching band. Whatever.
[Ultimate Ability Unlocked: Gag Reality]
Effect: For 10 seconds, reality bends to comedy logic. Falling pianos, anvils from the sky, instant costume changes — anything stupid can happen.
Cooldown: 24 hours.
Side effect: Loss of shame. (Too late.)
The guards groaned on the floor. One mumbled, "What the hell just happened…"
Sir Hornsalot licked one of their faces. I declared that a diplomatic gesture.
I wandered into the capital like I owned the place.
Stalls lined the streets, selling everything from potions to cursed socks. I even saw a cat selling donuts. It meowed at me menacingly. I bought three.
As I walked, I spotted a familiar face.
Sleek blue armor. Righteous aura. A jawline that could cut steel.
"Takeshi?" I blinked.
He turned.
"…Yato?!"
Ah yes, Takeshi. Class A student, voted 'Most Likely to Become a Hero and Date Royalty.' While I got 'Most Likely to Set Fire to His Own Pants.'
He looked me up and down.
"You're… alive?"
"That's rude. Of course I'm alive. Thriving, actually."
"Why do you smell like goat and cheese?"
"Why do you smell like disappointment and plot armor?"
He ignored that.
"I thought your job was 'Villager.'"
"Still is."
Takeshi squinted. "Then how did you get into the capital?"
I casually munched a donut. "I slipped the guards."
"You bribed them?"
"No, I literally slipped them. Banana peels. Classic."
"…what."
"Don't worry about it."
He dragged me to the Adventurer's Guild because apparently I needed registration to not be arrested for 'unauthorized shenanigans.'
Inside, a receptionist named Lila with a terrifyingly sweet smile handed me a clipboard.
"Please list your class, abilities, and battle specialization."
I wrote:
Class: Villager Supreme
Abilities: Rubber Chicken Bomb, Whoopee Cushion Trap, Nose Hair Growth Curse, Gag Reality
Specialization: Humiliation & Explosions
She stared at the paper. Then at me. Then at Sir Hornsalot.
"…Is this a prank?"
"Yes," I said.
"No," Takeshi said at the same time.
Lila sighed. "Whatever. We've got a war to prep for, anyway."
I was officially registered as an adventurer. Level 3, zero credibility, negative dignity.
But I had dreams.
Big, dumb, explosive dreams.
That night, I bunked at the cheapest inn in the capital. The pillow smelled like wet bread, and the bed squeaked like a duck every time I moved. Sir Hornsalot slept on the floor like a king.
I opened my system menu.
New Quest.
[Main Quest: Enter the Demon Lord's Castle and Make Him Laugh]
Reward: ???
Make him laugh?
Not defeat.
Not banish.
Make. Him. Laugh.
I stared at the screen.
"…Okay. I respect that."
Because that's the thing. Maybe I wasn't the strongest. Or smartest. Or… anything-est.
But I had one thing no Demon Lord could stop.
A goddamn rubber chicken with a dream.
I woke up to the sound of Sir Hornsalot headbutting my door.
"Alright, alright, I'm up, you fluffy menace," I grumbled.
The sun barely peeked through the window. The city was still quiet. Birds chirped. Somewhere, a man screamed about taxes. Classic capital morning.
I checked my system notifications.
[You slept in a squeaky bed. +5 Resilience to Public Humiliation.]
[Sir Hornsalot licked your face in the night. +1 Goat Affinity.]
Not sure if those were blessings or curses.
Then — a knock at the door.
"Yato! You alive in there?" Takeshi's voice.
I sighed. "Barely. What now?"
"There's a briefing for all summoned heroes at the royal palace. You're late!"
I blinked. "Me? A hero? I'm Villager Supreme, buddy."
He groaned. "Just get over here before they hang you for treason."
[New Quest: Crash the Hero Briefing]
Reward: ???
Oh hell yes.
Ten Minutes Later
I arrived at the royal palace with Sir Hornsalot in tow. Takeshi looked like he regretted his entire life seeing me.
"I can't believe they let you in," he muttered.
"Respect the drip," I said, adjusting my cape — which was really a curtain I stole from the inn.
We entered the grand hall where the king, Queen Elanor, and a wizard who looked like he hadn't slept since the last Ice Age waited.
Around us, my classmates stood in shining armor, wielding legendary weapons. Ryoko with her Holy Flame Sword. Haruto with his Thunder Gauntlets. Even shy little Mika had a Staff of Eternal Death Blossoms.
And there was me.
Villager Supreme.
Level 3.
Armed with a frying pan and Sir Hornsalot.
The king cleared his throat. "Brave heroes of Earth! Today, you embark on a quest to defeat the Demon Lord and—"
[Ability Activated: Whoopee Cushion Echo]
PHHHHHHRRTTTTTTTTTT.
The sound echoed through the chamber like the farts of a thousand gods.
Silence.
Every head turned. Even the wizard's eye twitched.
I looked at Sir Hornsalot.
He looked back.
"…It was the goat," I said.
The king blinked. "…Moving on."
As the briefing continued, I tuned out and opened my system shop.
[New Items Available]
Exploding Pie: 500 Gag Coins
Hypnotic Chicken Dance Scroll: 700 Gag Coins
Portable Anvil: 1000 Gag Coins
Subscription to "Clown Monthly": 5 Gag Coins (includes stickers)
I had… 25 Gag Coins.
Just enough for clown stickers. Tempting.
Suddenly, a figure burst into the hall.
A girl.
Wild green hair. A pair of goggles. An armful of dynamite.
"NAME'S IRIS! DEMOLITION MAGE!" she yelled.
Everyone flinched. Even the king ducked.
I stood up, eyes shining. "Marry me."
"WHAT?!"
"You had me at 'dynamite.'"
The system dinged.
[New Ally Added: Iris the Demolition Maniac]
[Title Unlocked: Idiot with a Death Wish]
Takeshi facepalmed so hard I swear I heard his skull crack.
Iris grinned. "You're a weirdo. I like that."
"Same."
We fist-bumped. Somewhere in the distance, an explosion went off. Neither of us looked back.
After the briefing (and two more accidental explosions, maybe three), the heroes were assigned squads.
Of course, I didn't make the main team.
Instead, the commander sighed and muttered, "Stick the goat boy with the rejects."
And so it was.
The Legendary Gag Squad:
Yato: Villager Supreme, master of pranks.
Sir Hornsalot: A goat with bloodlust.
Iris: Demolition mage with zero impulse control.
Bob: A potato farmer with a crossbow and nothing to lose.
We stood together at the palace gates.
I raised a hand.
"Alright, morons. Today, we show this world the true power of chaos."
Sir Hornsalot bleated.
Iris held up a stick of dynamite.
Bob shrugged.
Perfect.
[Quest Updated: Defeat the Demon Lord. Optional Objective: Embarrass as Many Nobles as Possible.]
I grinned. Destiny didn't stand a chance.