Chapter Fifty-Five – I Needed to See How It Would End
"Why the hell did you do that?"
Brad had managed to shake Alexander off and was now determined to give Luke a piece of his mind, too.
Lyn took another step back, and then another. His place wasn't here, his role wasn't that of a witness to an unfolding drama, drama he didn't need in his life. He wanted to grab his head and yell, as loudly as he could, until the thoughts whirling there were shocked into silence.
Alexander. Brad. No one ever told him anything. And he'd been blind.
"I did it," Luke said in a barely audible voice, "because it was the right thing to do. Because… Bella is my sister, after all. And she--" The young man stopped, finding his words with difficulty. "She loves you. For real. Not like… not like whatever it is that we do. I thought it was fine and all that, that we were only fooling around, but… you should've seen her face when I told her. We really hurt her."
No one hurried to help Luke better sort out what he meant to say. Everyone waited in stunned silence while the younger man struggled with his speech.
"I'm going to fuck you up," Brad threatened. "You fucking asshole."
Alexander was the one to catch him by the arm. Bella was quick to grab her brother. "You will do no such thing, Brad. Let's get out of here, Luke," she said in a strained voice. If she held anything against her brother she preferred to keep it to herself for the moment. "It's done now," she added with finality.
"Bella," Brad tried, half-heartedly.
"We'll talk later," she cut his words short. "Thanks to you, I must—well, damage control is my specialty, after all."
The door closed behind her and her brother with a soft thud. Lyn touched his bleeding nose again. The tissue Bella had given him was useless now.
"Let me look at you."
Alexander's soft words reached him as if he was underwater. He stared at this man he'd thought he knew and his eyes went unfocused. He swatted Alexander's hand away.
"You two," he said bitterly, "what kind of friends have you ever been to me?"
Alexander made a move to stop him as he turned on his heel.
"Alexander, don't," he said in a weary voice. "Brad," he added, "I'm obviously not staying for the wedding. I wish you hadn't called me after our eight years of silence."
"Lyn, come on," Brad said, his voice heavy with regret. "I'm so sorry. Fuck, I'm just a dumbass." He dropped into a nearby chair and caught his head in his hands. "I'm an impulsive idiot. I thought you'd actually stick by my side. Even when I was wrong."
Lyn walked stiffly toward the door. "Well, at least we have the confirmation that we made the right decision back then, not to be friends anymore. Don't beat yourself up, Brad. Maybe I deserved getting punched in the face. If it hadn't been for me, Luke wouldn't have told his sister anything. So I singlehandedly ruined your wedding, after all."
"That's not true," Alexander said. "Lyn--"
"Lyn--" Brad hurried to stop him, as well.
Lyn put one hand up, causing them to halt their advance.
"Don't follow me. I don't even have any words left for you. Just let me leave. We will all be fine. We will all be better, once I leave. I'm done with both of you, in case I wasn't clear."
He hurried out the door, closing it behind him, his hand gripping the knob tightly, as it hit him all at once. The betrayal, the lies, the misunderstandings.
He'd have to rein it all in and go back to his life as he knew it. If he focused on packing and leaving all of this mess behind he wouldn't suffer much. Later was a different thing, but later wasn't here yet.
***
How had he become so disorganized within the span of several days? Lyn pursed his lips as he smacked a pillow away to uncover a t-shirt he'd worn two days ago. Alexander had turned him into such a mess.
The door opened, announcing an unwanted visitor.
The unwanted visitor himself.
Lyn threw Alexander a dark look but continued to pack his things, choosing not to fold them neatly but throwing them haphazardly into his luggage.
"Are you running away again?"
Alexander was amazing at pretenses. Even now, he seemed relaxed, hands in his pockets, looking straight at Lyn.
"There's nothing left for me to do here."
"Are you leaving me?"
The question gave Lyn pause. "You don't need me." He resumed his inefficient work.
Alexander moved slowly toward him without taking his hands out of his pockets. "That's where you're wrong. I've always needed you."
Words spoken as if they were talking about the weather. Lyn shook his head.
"Yeah, right. How come I never knew that?"
"Because you always looked at him. I should've been needier. Much needier, it's your only weak point. You never looked at me and saw me."
"Really? My only weak point?" Lyn looked up. "Because you know me so well. In and out. Say it."
Alexander measured him slowly with his eyes. Again, it struck Lyn how different things appeared when someone took the time to study Alexander from up close.
His friend, his boyfriend, ex-boyfriend, whatever he was… he looked nervous. Like someone walking a tight rope, not daring to look left or right. Only ahead.
Lyn sighed. The least he could do for his own sanity was to get things out in the open, once and for all.
"Was it true? What Brad said? About the way you manipulated him into thinking I didn't want him?"
Alexander only nodded slowly. They were close enough now for Lyn to take in Alexander's misery in detail. It was bitter, and it hurt him, although he didn't mind the pain. Truth over comfort. Hadn't those been Alexander's words? They were so fitting now.
"Why?"
Alexander looked Lyn in the eye. "I couldn't let him have you just as a prop to his ego; I didn't want him to be the one who truly hurt you because then I was sure you would never forget him – I couldn't allow him to have you just because he could."
"Wow," Lyn said, pursing his lips.
"It's true. I couldn't allow him to toy with you and leave you in pieces the way he always did with everyone he thought he was in love with."
"It wasn't your call to make. How can you even stand yourself? You may be better than many people at many things, Alexander, but this, this is just utter arrogance," Lyn reproached. "So you kept him from getting into my pants, to quote the other asshole in my life. Why? You didn't try to do that. Was it only to protect your pride?"
Alexander's mouth had flattened into a thin, grim line.
"You even got married. Brad and his stupid shit," Lyn added, shaking his head and looking down. "Thinking that you were obsessed with me and all that. And what was that thing he said, about you being my hero?"
Alexander remained silent. Lyn pushed him away, ready to head out the door. If he left things behind, it didn't matter. What mattered was for him to get out of there.
"Fine, whatever. You don't have to talk. Far be it from me to make you."
He didn't manage to step out of the room. Alexander trapped him between his arms, forcing the door closed. "Ask me about my marriage, Lyn. Ask me about my wife."
"What?" Lyn turned, ignoring any instinct of self-preservation. "Fine. If that's what it takes for you to let me go. Even if I don't see what it has to do with what I asked you."
The cold blue eyes bore into his. "It has everything to do with what you asked me."
Lyn examined Alexander's face slowly. It pained him, deep inside, to look at him like this and know that he would never get another chance to be this close. "Why did you marry, Alexander? Who was she? That girlfriend you got during senior year?"
Alexander nodded slowly. "You're leaving forever," he said. "You might as well learn the truth. I married her because I had to. Because of you."
Lyn scoffed, showing how unbelievable such a thing seemed to him. But Alexander, even the Alexander who could lie and keep secrets, always had a reason to say what he said. He crossed his arms, after allowing his luggage to drop to the floor. "Enlighten me," he said.
"I had to marry her to prove to my family that I wasn't afflicted by the illness that would not be named by them or other people they knew and valued."
Lyn felt his lips trembling for a moment. He was blind, stupid, and dense, but he was starting to connect the dots. "Alexander, what did you do? Did you tell your grandfather you might like me… and they punished you?"
Alexander shook his head slowly. "A lot more than that. I never wanted you to know this, because I was so damn worried it would influence you the wrong way. That it would push you even further away from me, or worse, the opposite. I didn't need your goodwill born out of a sense of indebtedness. But I can't worry about that anymore since you're leaving me anyway, right?"
Lyn opened his mouth to say something but then closed it. He didn't know what to say. Again, he whispered, "What did you do, Alexander?"
"I threw a tantrum for the first time in my life." Alexander's eyes became unfocused for a moment, but they returned to Lyn with earnest intensity. "Because I didn't have the kind of money to help you back then. Even if I sold all my designer shirts and rare books. It struck me so suddenly that despite my upbringing, my status, I was actually poor and didn't have enough."
Lyn's bottom lip trembled.
Alexander continued. "I convinced them to help you, and to do it in such a way you didn't know who was helping you."
"That was you," Lyn said softly. "The anonymous benefactor."
A shadow passed over Alexander's handsome face. "My family, not me. And they took their pound of flesh in return. They didn't even let me go back to school until they made sure I'd follow their orders to the T. And I had to cut ties with you. For good. I had to marry while I was still in medical school and remain married for five years, or else they'd cut me off completely. And somehow manage to take it all back from you. I put my life on the line for you. Not that I care. I'd do it again, and a thousand times over."
Lyn leaned against the door and ran one hand over his face. "You shouldn't have done that. Why would you do that for someone who… who might not return your feelings?"
Alexander's face was set in stone now. It was tension, not lack of care or interest. "Isn't it obvious?"
Lyn couldn't help a soft snort. "You love me?"
"I will not lay down my soul for you to walk all over. I was wrong to keep you from making who knew what mistake with Brad. However, I will not regret it. You've always failed to see him for his flawed self."
"And you're perfect?" Lyn shot back, too overwhelmed to react in any meaningful, rational way.
Alexander shook his head. "No. For a long time I hated myself for loving you. Until I gave up resisting, I'd been unhappy."
"Are you happy now?"
"No. Just less unhappy. My feelings for you used to be so sharp and bitter, and I didn't want them, but I couldn't let go of them. Only once I understood there was no escape from them for me, I came to terms with myself."
"You're a piece of work, Alexander," Lyn whispered. "You know, some people say that when you love someone, you become strong enough to let them go if they don't love you back."
Finally, the beautiful lips curled into a grin. "Oh, yes? And where on me does it say 'saint', Lynton?" He pushed himself slowly away from the door, giving Lyn a wide path to escape. "I will always be your demon, right?"
Lyn bit his bottom lip hard. He wanted to cry and punch Alexander in the face and tell him all that sacrifice had been in vain, but he couldn't bring himself to act.
"I would've been fine," he murmured, knowing too well it wasn't true. "Just one more thing. You haven't searched for me for all these years. Brad brought us back together. Why come here at all if you thought you didn't want me anymore?"
Alexander shrugged. From the distance he had put between them he appeared to be the same cool and collected man once more.
"I still wanted you, but I've always told myself I'd never run after you. As for your question, here is my answer. I needed to see how it would end."
Did he mean this was the end? Lyn opened the door and grabbed his luggage.
His entire life, made possible by Alexander's choice to help him.
He needed to be away from everyone.
Even his hero.
Especially his hero.
***
He had three hours to kill before he could board his plane and be gone forever from his friends' lives, this time for good. Usually, faced with so much free time, he'd read a law book or bring himself up to speed on the news in his field, but he did neither. He sat close to the departure gate, his elbows on his knees, his hands clasped together between them.
The building, chilled by the dozens of ACs hidden from view, was as silent as a cathedral. A sudden burst of laughter from a child, far behind him, died down quickly.
His heart wouldn't stop hammering in his chest. Lyn pressed one hand over it, the hurtful exchange from before still overshadowing his mind like a menacing dark castle.
Brad had wanted him. The knowledge of it tasted bitter in the back of his throat. It wasn't only because of what could have been, but because of the sharp, breathtaking realization that he might not have wanted it, anyway.
His carefully constructed mental makeup, falling down like a house of cards. Brad's refusal to own the truth hurt, but that was far away now, as if it had happened ages ago.
And Alexander—
Why did Alexander think he loved him? Or had loved him, in the past? It made no sense. Lyn's hands trembled and he clasped them together harder to stop them. The edge in the story, the one piece that didn't fit now smashed against the board, changing its entire landscape completely.
Lyn took one long, shaky breath. He couldn't even think properly right now. Alexander, marrying because of him. Alexander, staying behind because he wouldn't run after…
No, the truth couldn't be so simple. They had been his friends. He had held them both close to his heart, yet he'd been blind.
To Brad's desire to be closer than friends.
To Alexander's dark and bitter feelings. His description of them, not Lyn's.
He heard the clack of high heels approaching, but it only registered with him that someone was standing in front of him after a couple of moments of silence.
He raised his eyes to see Bella, who looked like she'd been crying a river.
"Do you mind if I sit with you for a while?"
Lyn adjusted his position and gestured for her to sit.
"When is your plane leaving?" she asked as she sat primly, one fist clenched in her lap, her back erect.
"I was lucky enough to find a ticket on a plane that will leave in three hours," he informed her.
"You tried to tell me," she said abruptly, after another short silence. "About him and my brother."
"Yes," Lyn replied half-heartedly. "I was a coward and didn't insist hard enough. Not that I think it would've made a difference now. Wait, what did you think I was trying to tell you?" He turned his head to take in Bella's beautiful profile. She looked like someone who could barely sit but she was fighting her need to break down. Lyn wished he could comfort her, but he didn't know how.
"I thought you wanted to tell me about you and Brad. How you loved him still and ask me if I was sure I was the one for him. I'm so sorry. I misjudged you, Lyn."
"It's okay. We don't know each other. He never returned my feelings, so you had nothing to worry about anyway."
Bella turned her head, giving him a surprised look.
Lyn sighed. "What? Did he tell you that he wanted to get into my pants but I had a chip on my shoulder also?"
"Not exactly," she said, looking confused. She leaned back in her seat, relaxing a smidge. "He told me you used to be the most important person in his life. He didn't tell me he wanted to sleep with you. But I read between the lines. He liked you more than as a friend, whether consciously or unconsciously."
Lyn sighed. "It doesn't matter. It's all in the past. And I know I might sound callous right now and categorical, but I don't want to see him ever again. He doubted me, even as I was telling him the truth. And he hurt you, proving to me that he's capable of things… I thought he was a kind, amazing person. And he's not. I can't forgive that he thought I'd lied to him when I told him I had yet to tell you anything."
"Is your nose okay?" Bella asked.
Lyn touched it gingerly. "It doesn't matter. What are you going to do?" It was easier to focus on someone else for the moment.
"I don't know," she murmured, staring blankly ahead. "How do you carve the one person who made you whole out of your life?"
Her eyes met Lyn's briefly.
"You see, I wasn't always this put together person you see right now," she said, laughing humorlessly. "I was such a mess. Do you think I'm being too hard on Luke? I worry he might end up making the same mistakes I did. When you're young, and your parents have money, there's nothing you can't do. No pleasure is barred from you."
Lyn waited, understanding Bella's need to get things off her chest. Since it was most likely the last time he was going to see her, too, he felt he owed her at least this much, as partners in suffering.
"I don't think I'm joking when I say I tried every drug under the sun. Yes, I know, I used to be… Anyway," she added quickly, "I thought I was in control. I was running wild with my group of friends, and when the inevitable happened… they were all gone. Left me for dead, and no, I'm not being overly dramatic when I say this. And this guy I was casually hooking up with took me to the hospital and slept there in the hallway until I could speak and think again. He even respected my wish that my parents didn't learn the truth. We pretended that we had left together for a month-long vacation, told my folks that we were together. He stood by my side through thick and thin. Yes, I'm talking about Brad. He pulled me back from the edge, so how am I supposed to forget him now?"
Lyn ran one hand over his face. "I guess it's safe to say that he knows how to be a great friend better than anything else."
"Yeah," Bella let out a low chuckle weighted down with regret, "yeah, he's definitely good at that. So, you see, Lyn, what I have with him is deeper than love. If I just had some silly romantic feelings for him, a stiletto heel in his ass would be the way to go."
"Are you going to call off the wedding?" he asked the question that hung heavily between them.
Bella shook her head slowly. "I have to think about others."
"Brad?" Lyn asked tentatively.
She touched her lower belly and let her hand rest there. "Not only him. Although he needs plenty of care."
Lyn closed his eyes, letting out a low groan. "You're pregnant?" A small nod confirmed his suspicion. "Does he know?" A shake of the head followed. "Fuck, he's such an asshole. Bella, do you need me to stay?"
Bella reacted as if someone had wakened her from a dream. "No, no, not for my sake, Lyn. You have your own reasons to be angry at him." She wiped the corner of one eye with the tip of a finger and put on a smile. "I'm not the romantic type. I'll navigate us through this. I can always plan for a divorce later," she added, smiling as if she had just made a joke.
"What about your brother?"
"He'll grow up," she said with determination. "It was because of you that he eventually told me. So, although I just met you, Lyn, I must thank you."
"All I did was ruin everything," he said.
"You did nothing of the kind." She stood and offered him her hand. "I'm glad I got the chance to get to know you, regardless of how dramatic things became."
He shook her hand. More words weren't needed between them. The only regret he had was that he would be left alone with his own thoughts again, cornering him like a pack of wild wolves.
And the memories of that night, that one night that changed the courses of their lives forever, came unbound. They returned to him in a flood now that the dam of his feelings had broken wide open, ugly words from a long time ago that were making more sense than they'd ever made before.
TBC