The moment Wang Fan opened his eyes, he found himself inside what looked like the lobby of a luxury spa—if said spa had been decorated by a schizophrenic dragon with a fetish for silk, jade, and gold leaf. Everything sparkled. The floors gleamed. The walls shimmered. There were even heavenly harps playing in the background, operated by... floating buns?
No, really. Steaming buns. Floating. With angel wings. Playing harps.
"Am I dead again?" Wang Fan muttered, scratching the back of his head. "This better not be the reincarnation line for perverts."
"Welcome to the Heavenly Trial Pavilion, esteemed trash," a mechanical voice boomed.
A panel of ethereal light shimmered into view. It looked like a floating jade tablet—but had the personality of a petty customer service rep at a DMV.
"You have completed your first quest: Not Dying Like an Idiot (Beginner Tier)."
"Well, damn," Wang Fan chuckled. "They're really setting that bar low, huh?"
"Your reward is: One (1) Cultivation Technique—'Basic Heaven-Defying Man Root Strengthening Manual'."
Wang Fan blinked. "Wait… 'Man Root'? As in—?"
"Exactly what it sounds like," the System said, deadpan.
A scroll popped into existence with a puff of smoke, flying into his hands. It looked fancy—too fancy for something that sounded like an ancient Viagra recipe. With trembling hands, he unrolled it and read the first line:
> "To cultivate the Root of Men is to grasp the foundation of all yang essence. Stand tall, proud, and penetrative against the storms of destiny!"
"…this is a dick cultivation manual."
"Correction," the System intoned. "A legendary dick cultivation manual."
Wang Fan didn't know whether to laugh or cry. He decided to laugh. Loudly. Like an idiot.
Just then, a bright light flashed above him. A swirling portal formed. And a beautiful woman descended from the sky, floating on a lotus petal the size of a hot tub.
She had long, glossy black hair, dressed in barely-there silks that covered just enough to qualify as legal in some parts of the Mortal Realm. Her eyes were like twin obsidian blades—cold, sharp, and sexy enough to cause heart palpitations.
Wang Fan immediately straightened up. And not just his back.
"Holy mother of MILFs," he gasped. "Are you my waifu number one?"
She landed in front of him with the grace of a swan and the disdain of a CEO meeting an intern who just farted in an elevator.
"I am Fairy Yunru," she said, her voice as smooth as silk soaked in wine. "Sect Elder of the Jade Blooming Sect. I am here to evaluate your potential."
Wang Fan blinked. Then looked down at the scroll in his hand.
Then up at her boobs.
Then down again.
"Uh… is this part of the test?"
Fairy Yunru gave him a blank look, as if wondering whether she should incinerate him now or later.
"You were recommended by the System. I have… questions."
"Oh good!" Wang Fan beamed. "I have answers. Most of them wrong, but answers nonetheless."
She sighed. "Follow me, trash."
---
They walked through a shimmering hallway lined with portraits of ancient cultivators who all looked like they hadn't smiled since puberty. Fairy Yunru moved like water—graceful, serene, deadly. Wang Fan moved like a squirrel on espresso, tripping twice and almost crashing into a statue shaped like a phallic dragon.
"Careful," Yunru muttered. "That statue is older than your bloodline."
"I mean, it kinda looks like my uncle," Wang Fan mumbled. "Especially the nose."
She ignored him. Instead, they arrived at a small courtyard where a group of disciples were practicing sword techniques.
"Now," Yunru said. "Demonstrate your strength."
Wang Fan blinked. "You want me to fight them?"
"No," she said. "I want you to lift that."
She pointed at a stone slab the size of a mattress. Carved into it were runes glowing faintly. It radiated Qi like a toddler radiates chaos.
Wang Fan cracked his knuckles. "Easy-peasy."
He squatted down. Took a deep breath. Focused all his Qi.
And promptly let out a fart so loud it echoed across the valley.
Every disciple turned.
One of them fainted.
Yunru blinked.
Wang Fan stood up, coughing. "Uh. That was… spiritual exhaust."
"Try again," she said flatly.
This time, he visualized the Basic Heaven-Defying Man Root Strengthening Manual. The words of the scroll echoed in his head.
> "Thrust your desire into the heavens. Rise. Penetrate the firmament. Be hard."
He felt his Qi flow. His veins pulsed. His "man root" surged with vitality.
He lifted the stone.
One inch.
Two inches.
Then dropped it—onto his own foot.
"FUUUUU—"
The courtyard shook with Wang Fan's screech.
He hopped on one foot, tears in his eyes, clutching his injured toes like he'd just given birth through them.
"I think I saw Buddha," he gasped. "He laughed at me and said, 'Nice try, limp noodle.'"
Fairy Yunru stared at him like he'd just personally offended every generation of her ancestors.
"You are… not impressive."
"Ah," Wang Fan said, still hopping. "But I'm unpredictable! That counts, right?"
Before she could respond, another voice rang out.
"Senior Sister Yunru! Who is this… hemorrhoid?"
A handsome man floated down from the sky, riding a sword as casually as one might ride a bicycle. He wore shimmering robes, sported perfect cheekbones, and had an aura so dazzling it probably had its own fan club.
"Senior Brother Long Tian," Yunru said, a note of exasperation in her voice. "This is the System's chosen."
"Chosen? Him?" Long Tian pointed at Wang Fan, who was currently chewing on a leaf in pain. "He looks like he was chosen by a toilet."
"Hey!" Wang Fan shouted, spitting the leaf. "That's offensive! To toilets!"
Long Tian ignored him and turned to Yunru. "Surely the sect isn't seriously considering letting this… this mongrel into our ranks?"
Yunru sighed. "He passed the System's criteria. That alone is enough for preliminary testing."
Long Tian narrowed his eyes, stepping toward Wang Fan. "Then let me test him myself."
Wang Fan froze. "Wait. Can't we, I don't know, settle this like men? Rock-paper-scissors? A dance battle? Maybe a staring contest—?"
Too late. Long Tian's palm glowed, and a shimmering wave of Qi blasted toward him.
Wang Fan yelped, leapt behind a tree, and shouted, "System! Emergency defense protocol: Coward Mode!"
DING! Activating Coward Mode! +50% Evasion, -100% Dignity.
A transparent bubble appeared around Wang Fan, just in time for Long Tian's attack to strike it.
The impact launched him across the courtyard, bouncing him like a pinball through a row of training dummies and directly into a pond filled with spiritual koi.
The koi looked offended.
"Wow," one disciple muttered. "Even the fish think he's trash."
But then—something unexpected happened.
The koi began to glow.
Then they swam in a circle around Wang Fan, their spiritual energy flowing into him.
DING! Passive Skill Activated: 'Fishy Fortune' — You randomly absorb ambient Qi when humiliated in water.
A surge of Qi flooded his meridians. His eyes widened. His limbs tingled. His dantian bubbled like a boiling hotpot.
Wang Fan burst from the pond like a wet noodle reborn.
"I feel... powerful!" he shouted, standing on a rock with his robe clinging to every inch of him.
Everyone stared. Not because he looked majestic. But because the wet robe left nothing to the imagination.
"…is he naked under that?" one girl whispered.
"Why is it… glowing?" another muttered.
"Is… is that the Man Root Technique's aura?" gasped a cultivator in horror.
Fairy Yunru pinched the bridge of her nose. "I need a drink."
Long Tian took a step back, his composure cracking.
"That's not possible. You were trash!"
"Correction," Wang Fan said with a grin. "I'm evolving trash."
He extended a hand. Qi swirled in his palm—chaotic, unrefined, but real.
"I challenge you, Long Tian. For no reason. Just vibes."
Gasps rang out.
Long Tian laughed. "Fine. Let's make this entertaining."
He drew his sword. "One move."
Wang Fan grinned. "Deal. But let's spice it up. If I win, you have to kiss the koi."
Everyone went silent.
Long Tian hesitated. "Fine. And if I win?"
"You get to punch me again."
"…That's not really a punishment for you, is it?"
"Nope," Wang Fan said cheerfully. "I'm into weird stuff."
Fairy Yunru facepalmed.
---
The duel began.
Long Tian charged, his blade shimmering with spiritual light. Wang Fan panicked.
He closed his eyes.
"System! Give me the dumbest technique you've got!"
DING! Activating 'Flailing Monkey Palm' (Unranked, Highly Embarrassing)
Wang Fan lunged forward, arms flailing like a drunken orangutan.
Long Tian blinked. "What the—"
One of Wang Fan's flailing hands slapped his chin. Not hard—but infused with erratic Qi and desperation.
Long Tian's Qi surged wildly, then imploded.
BOOM!
A puff of smoke erupted.
When it cleared, Long Tian was lying flat on his back, eyes wide in disbelief.
Wang Fan was standing over him, arm stuck in a cactus bush, pants halfway down, one eyebrow missing, but undeniably the victor.
The courtyard was silent.
Then someone clapped.
Then another.
Then all the disciples broke into applause, half in awe, half in hysterics.
Fairy Yunru let out a long sigh. "...Congratulations. You've passed."
Wang Fan pumped his fist. "Hell yeah! I'm officially a professional disaster!"
---
Later that evening, in a private chamber, Fairy Yunru sat Wang Fan down.
"Your cultivation path is… unorthodox."
"I prefer the term 'chaotically sexy,'" he replied, eating grapes while lying sideways on her couch.
"I am assigning you to the outer sect under a probationary program. You will be supervised. Heavily."
"Does that mean I get a cute sect senior to watch me bathe?"
She ignored him.
"You will be given three tasks over the next month. Succeed, and you'll be granted inner sect access. Fail, and… well, you'll probably die."
"Oh." Wang Fan blinked. "Cool cool cool. Standard stuff."
"One last thing." Yunru stood and tossed him a jade token. "Don't ever use that 'Man Root' technique in public again."
"No promises," he said with a wink.
As she turned to leave, Wang Fan called out, "So, uh, since you're technically my mentor now, do you—like—do mentor-mentee massages happen in this world? For spiritual growth?"
She closed the door in his face.
And he swore he heard her mutter, "Why is it always the perverts?"
The next morning, Wang Fan awoke in his newly assigned shack in the outer sect. And by shack, I mean a termite-infested, half-collapsed excuse for shelter that would have made a doghouse cry.
"System," he said, squinting at a hole in the wall. "Is this really standard sect housing?"
DING! No. This is the punishment lodging usually reserved for convicted pants-thieves and onion hoarders.
"Perfect," he muttered. "Fits my aesthetic."
He rolled off the wooden plank pretending to be a bed and hit the ground face-first. A rat politely crawled over his head as if to say "Welcome, neighbor."
DING! Daily Quest: 'Clean Your Filthy Shack Like a Proper Cultivator' – Reward: Basic Cleaning Technique + Air Freshener Talisman.
Wang Fan blinked. "You mean I can actually cultivate cleanliness?"
Affirmative. Dirt is the enemy of Qi flow. Also, the sect has health inspections.
Wang Fan grabbed a broom and began wildly sweeping, occasionally trying to use spiritual energy to move dust. Mostly, he just slapped himself with it.
Hours later, the shack looked… slightly less like a biohazard. His reward floated down from the heavens: a roll of talismans smelling faintly of lavender and regret.
"System," he said while lighting one, "tell me about my first big quest. Surely it involves dragons, assassins, or sexy poison masters?"
DING! Quest 1: Retrieve the Sect's Sacred Laundry from the mountain stream.
"…Laundry?"
Yes. The Sect Elder's undergarments are considered holy. Handle them with reverence.
Wang Fan stared. "I came to this world to gather panties for a living?"
Technically, sacred panties.
He sighed. "Fine. At least it can't get any weirder."
---
It got weirder.
Two hours later, Wang Fan stood waist-deep in a freezing mountain stream, fishing out long silk underwear that glowed with faint spiritual light. On the shore, a group of junior disciples watched him with amusement.
"Careful with that," one girl called. "Elder Ma's Heaven-Grade Boxers are woven with Cloud Spider silk."
"Noted," Wang Fan muttered, gingerly holding a pair of translucent briefs that looked like they cost more than his life.
As he reached for another bundle, a shadow passed overhead.
Something massive flew over the mountain.
Then circled back.
Then landed.
It was a peacock.
A giant, iridescent, three-eyed peacock with flaming tail feathers and a crown made of jade.
"Oh no," one disciple whispered. "It's the Sect's guardian spirit beast… Lord Pea-Ka-Ka."
Lord Pea-Ka-Ka stepped forward regally.
Then it screeched at Wang Fan.
SKREEEEE!!
DING! Warning! Lord Pea-Ka-Ka has detected improper handling of Holy Underwear. Initiating peacock wrath protocol.
"What the hell is that supposed to mean—!"
Lord Pea-Ka-Ka fired a beam of rainbow light from its third eye. Wang Fan yelped and dove behind a boulder, still clutching a pair of spiritual boxers.
DING! Emergency Passive Activated: Shameless Dodge – When clutching undergarments, +30% evasion!
He zigzagged through the stream like a drunk fish, narrowly avoiding blasts of multicolored doom.
"Is this my life now!?" he yelled, rolling into a bush.
DING! Congratulations! You have unlocked: 'Laundry Mastery – Beginner Tier'
"Oh yes," Wang Fan gasped, chest heaving. "All those years of folding my boss's boxers finally paid off."
---
Later, back at the sect laundry pavilion, a wrinkled old granny squinted at him.
"You retrieved all the sacred garments?"
Wang Fan, covered in bruises, wet leaves, and spiritual bird poop, nodded and handed her a glowing basket.
The granny sniffed. "Not bad. You'll do. Now, go soak your head. You smell like talisman farts."
As he stumbled back to his shack, a new notification popped up.
DING! Quest Complete: +1 Technique Scroll, +2 Respect Points (Laundry Division).
"Respect from the laundry division," Wang Fan muttered. "I'm climbing the ladder one underwear at a time."
---
Later that night, Wang Fan lay in bed, exhausted and questioning his life choices.
That's when the door burst open.
"Hey, rookie!"
It was a woman.
Tall, tanned, and smirking like a tiger who just found out the zoo was unlocked.
She wore tight robes, a headband, and a sleeveless jacket that screamed "Delinquent Cultivator."
"I'm Li Mei," she said, arms crossed. "Head of the Outer Sect Trouble Department."
"There's a Trouble Department?"
"Yeah. We make trouble, and sometimes solve it. Welcome aboard. You're my new lackey."
"Wait, I didn't—"
"Shhh." She tossed a scroll at him. "Second quest. You're joining me for a 'routine inspection' of the Sect's forbidden cave. Ever been in a dark, damp hole filled with mysterious danger?"
"Just emotionally," he muttered.
She grinned. "Perfect. We leave at dawn."
As she turned to go, Wang Fan called out, "Hey… why me?"
She winked. "Because no one expects the trash disciple to survive."
Then she was gone.
---
Wang Fan stared at the scroll, then at the ceiling.
"System," he mumbled, "I'm going to die, aren't I?"
DING! Likelihood of death: 92%.
He groaned. "Any way to lower that?"
Yes. Charm the scary woman with alcohol, flattery, and well-timed innuendo.
"…System, you're freakin' evil."
You're welcome.