In the school located off Maha Megha Watta Road, in Sri Lanka, named after the country's first citizen, there's a central courtyard. It has beautiful flowers, just like our home. But despite having many flowers in the garden, I'm the only child at home, Saven Deneth Perera.
Even with my looks, all I'm good for is causing trouble, or so my mother said. But that's not entirely true. I used to be able to study normally back then. I was average. But now, that's gone too. I don't dance either. I can't remember the last time I went anywhere near the dance room. It's been at least a year since I stopped performing. But now I don't want to dance.
All I want to do is hide somewhere until the bell rings, and then quietly go to the last desk and sit alone when Madam comes to class. Because now I'm alone. Even though I convinced myself I wouldn't come to school after yesterday's incident, it's the same hell at home. There are places to hide at school, but not at home. Even though I'm practically a boarder, if my father sees my face, he even spits at the yard.
Methula, Ayush, and Saven were a trio who used to run the school after Thursha, Deshan, and Sandaru. But yesterday, when I went to sit near Methula,
"Dude, isn't there a strong scent of a whore coming?"
"Yeah, right! It's like someone's whore has been fucked with an Axe."
"Oh, it's Savee, Ayush's "Nagara Shobani" Disgusting, man!
(*Nagara sobhani = Prostitute)
"Methula, you'll catch the "gay cold"!
That's all I heard that day. I stayed inside the 'Village house' at the edge of the play ground until the last bell rang. No matter how much I cried, it wasn't enough. No matter how much I suffered, it wasn't enough. But now I can't do either. Even when I want to cry, I can't.
"Don't cry, Saven! Act like a man! We, who gave birth to you, are ashamed! If you cry in this house again, find somewhere else to go!"
My father put his head into the room and shouted, putting an end to the crying that had been going on for days, without even eating. In a place where crying isn't allowed, I suppress my tears, and now I can't cry. Because I can't cry, my heart rate increases, I get short of breath, my body starts to shake, and sometimes I even get dizzy. I don't know what's happening. But I know it's not a good thing. Even yesterday, when I fell inside the 'village house' due to dizziness, no one came to look for me until I woke up on my own.
That's how it is now, even homeroom teacher doesn't does not care about me. Back then, at every school event, the only thing on everyone's lips was, 'Oh, Saven!' People change, it's normal. But this time the situation I'm facing is very abnormal to me. That's even more abnormal than me loving another boy. It's abnormal how people enjoy hurting and causing pain to others. Only love is normal. I remember Ayush saying, 'If it's love, then any story is normal.'
Just like always, I got off the bus, entered the school gate looking down, and took the bag in my hand to give it to the prefects checking bags. It was just like that day. That day too, I gave the bag to Deshan in the same way. I never even dreamed that the love letter hidden inside the book cover would be found. No. Because Deshan is at the back gate. But that day, by my own misfortune, he was there. He has hawk eyes. No one can escape him. But he tried to hide the letter that day. But it didn't take long for the Games Captain to get the letter.
I met Ayush in the first grade. When I was clinging to my mother's saree, crying and sniffling, 'Don't leave me,' a dark-skinned boy came and held out a bright red rose apple and said, 'Your nose looks like this,' and I laughed. From that day until we became lovers, Ayush was my shadow. After we started loving each other, the only gap which had to be filled between us was sexuality. He even removed the curry leaves from my rice and the bones from the fish and fed me. When my feet were bruised from dancing, he was the one who put plasters on them from the day I started dancing. After he said he loved me, the only thing that changed was that he would kiss my feet after applying the plaster.
Ayush was a lover who gave love that would make anyone jealous. My life became empty after that love was lost. I realized that we had been in love even before the feeling of love came into us, after the letter was found and Ayush's furious father dragged Ayush out of school, and after my eyes no longer saw Nethra. 'Nethra' that's the name I called him when we were in love, because my name is Saven Deneth... He said, 'Nethra is in those Deneth, Sawi.' When I couldn't bear the overflowing love in his eyes when he said that, his lips moistened mine.
(Nethra, Deneth are Sinhala names which gives meaning, eyes)
As I was putting the bag on the table, Thursha, the 'friend of everyone,' said, "Ah, Saven! Good morning, machan."
Thursha has been making a strange effort to talk to me since the day Ayush left. I don't know why. Thursha is like the most popular star in school. Anyone who sees him is reminded of a Japanese porcelain doll. His words are the beautiful as same. When as Ayush captivated people in Sinhala, Thursha captivated people in English. Thursh is a walking art gallery, 'Junior Shakespeare, foreigner' those were the cards he had in the Sinhala medium class. But it's easier to find a white crow in school than to find someone who doesn't like him. If you asked anyone who their friends were, 'Thursha' was on everyone's list. Thursha is on my list too.
A different vibe is created where he is. Even the guys around him start laughing spontaneously as soon as he arrives. That's why everyone likes him. But how can he be different from the others? I know he's going to try to get a reaction from me with some stupid story. Saveen is a cock gobbler. someone who hears 'ewwww' to his face. The best thing is to stay out of the spotlight. But like every day, all I said was, "Good morning."
"Good morning, Thursha!"
"Machan, you're dancing this time, right?"
Dancing? Why does he care whether I dance or not?
"Let's see, Thursha." I said that just to slip away.
"Let's see won't do. You missed it last time too. The dancing team has no groove without you, Saven." Here comes the conversation going the wrong way. I need to get out of here quickly.
"I'm getting late, Thursha, I'll go." I put the bag on my shoulder and quickened my pace. But before I could take the second step, I was pulled back.
"Wait a minute." Thursh grabbed my bag from the top and pulled me back, and "Come with me," he said, pulling me by the hand to the center garden in the middle of the school, surrounded by trees. A place I don't come to. I don't want to be here. I want to leave here right now. But the tortoise in the pond was looking at me. After a long time, I remembered his words,
'Sawi, look, is that tortoise jealous of us or what!'
'Yeah, look, it's raising its head and teasing us. It doesn't have a gem.' Ayush said.
'Ah, do you have one?' I asked him.
'Yes, I have the most beautiful gem in the world.'
Tears are fighting to be released, but I can't cry. I'm in pain! I sniffed and looked up at the sky to stop my body from shaking.
"Saven, I have something to tell you," Thursha said, but I don't want to have that conversation here.
"Please, Thursh, not here. If you really need to talk, let's go somewhere else," I said, holding Thursh's hand in a plea to go somewhere else.
"Why can't you be here?" This devil doesn't seem to understand that I can't be here!
"Please, man! Don't rub salt into the wound, please let me be in peace." Now I don't want to talk about anything with him. I want to be left alone.
"Saveen, if you want to cry, cry." What? Did he say to cry?
"I've met so many people who tell me not to cry. Even Ayush said not to cry. But Thursha is the only one in my life who told me to cry!
"What?" I gasped!
"Cry. I'll hold you. Nothing that happens here will go out of here. I promise you that." But doesn't it disgust him to hold me?
"Aren't you disgusted by me, man?" I asked him.
"To be disgusted, you're not garbage, man. You're a guy just like me." Thursha Ruseeha Siriwardhana, isn't he a strange one? More like a mental health counselor than an art gallery, because the pain I kept hidden in my heart, that I didn't tell anyone, is coming to the tip of my tongue.
"Man, not even one person in class looks at my face. The guys who used to share my lunch now drag their desks away from next to me. It's like they'll catch a disease if they even brush against me." The pain on Thursha's face must have been the very image of the pain in my heart. But what he did next, I couldn't bear it.
"Come here." I, who couldn't cry, who held billions of tears balled up in my heart, who endured so much pain, instinctively started crying in his embrace. As Thursha gently stroked my back, I cried and cried more. He didn't even move. I cried until his shirt was soaked. When I felt like it was enough, I wanted to tell Thursha,
"Ayush and I came here to pick ferns for science class. He leaned over from this bridge to that end to pick them. Then, when he was about to fall into the pond... I... I'm the one who grabbed him... At that moment, at that moment... Thursha, this..."
At that moment, Nethra pulled me by the waist and placed his lips on mine, a feeling, a touch, that I can't describe in words. A touch I longed for. A touch my heart desired for years. My attraction to Ayush started in the very age when strange feelings began to arise in my heart. In a time when I knew nothing about homosexuality. How scared I was of those feelings. But after reading an article in a newspaper clipping, I learned that my feelings were called 'homosexuality' and that it wasn't an abnormal condition. But I didn't tell Ayush my feelings because I didn't want to lose him. But who knew he felt the same way about me? No one understands those feelings. No one even tries to understand. Not everyone read that newspaper clipping.
"I understand. Is that why you said you couldn't talk here?" Understands? Does Thursha mean he really understands what I'm saying? I felt such relief in my heart that I wanted to tell him the rest too. For once, I felt so comfortable talking to someone.
"Ayush and I used to come here every morning and talk to those koi fish. That time was so beautiful. We didn't get to be like that for long."
"I heard Ayush was sent abroad?"
"Hmm, yes. He hasn't contacted me since, Thursha. He might have even forgotten me." I said that not because I really thought so, but because of the sadness in my heart. He can't forget me. Nethra is in my eyes. That's the truth. My Nethra can't have a life without me. And it's the same for me. But I had a lot to say to Thursha about that.
"Listen, Saven! Tell me, why are you so down? Okay, let's say he forgot you? If he forgot you, then he never loved you, right? So, man, why are you hung up on someone who doesn't love you? I know these things are easier said than done. But look at yourself. How forward were you before, man? Tell me, was there any event in this school without you? How many people were around you back then? That was because of your personality. They stayed around you because they knew they couldn't bring you down. Like kissing the hand you can't cut off. When you fell because of one weak point, they pushed you down even more. That's the fun of this society, man. That's their only entertainment.
But just imagine, man, if you were even pretending to be as forward and had that same strong personality as before, even if Ayush's issue isn't resolved, your problems within this school would be largely solved. Man, before you find Ayush again, or Ayush finds you, just survive. Put Ayush aside. Who knows, man, you might meet someone who loves you more than Ayush in the future.
The person we love is a big part of our life, man. I'm not denying that. That person can wound your heart terribly, man. But that person isn't your whole life, man. Your life is yours. How can you expect someone else to love you if you don't love yourself?"
What Thursh is saying is true. But how can I move forward when even my family doesn't accept me?
"Thursha, what you're saying is right, man. It's not that I don't understand. Even my family treats me strangely. Mom is the same. But Dad doesn't even look at my face."
"You didn't face the last term exams properly either, did you?"
"I don't feel like studying, man. I don't understand where to start."
"Where to start? Start with the arts festival." Thursh took his handkerchief from his pocket, squeezed my red nose with it, and placed the handkerchief in my hand.
"Wash it and bring it back, you crybaby! Come on, let's go," he said, pulling me by the hand and taking me to the dance room. I don't even remember the last time I came here. The sound of drums, the sound of cymbals, the 'Asura Wannama...' this is a part of my soul. There's no Saveen without dance. I avoided the goddess Saraswati, but the goddess Saraswati didn't avoid me, because now Thursha made me stand in front of the Saraswati statue.
"Thursha, this..."
"What do you mean, 'this, this'? Take off your shoes before you get killed by me." A happiness came to my heart. A heart-throbbing joy. A feeling I hadn't felt in a long time. Thursha is truly an amazing guy. I took off my shoes and worshiped the Saraswati statue.
When Thursha excused teacher, teacher replied to me. Happiness shone in her eyes. Only teacher Rangikaa used to call and tell me to come back, son. Even though Madam didn't come to school for a while because she had a baby, the day she heard about the incident, she tried to comfort me by calling. But when the baby cried, she would hang up saying, "Okay, son, I'll call again," and I didn't even answer when she called again.
"Ah! Saven?" Seeing teacher's face, it was like the Saraswati statue had come to life.
"Teacher, Saven says he's dancing this time," Thursha pushed me in front of teacher. So, it seems I'm dancing at the arts festival this time.
To be continued...