I woke up to chaos.
Which… to be fair, was normal in the swamp.
Mudnut was punching a tree.
Blib was wrestling a mudfish.
Ma Grugga was chasing someone with a broom.
And Skreeble had eaten three chickens and was now barfing fire in his sleep.
Plop croaked from my head.
System pinged.
[New Event: Annual Swamp Goblin Gladiator Tournament]
[Winner Receives: Legendary Garbage Crown + 1000 EXP + Choose One Swamp Wife]
Me: "…I'm sorry, did you say wife?"
System:Yes.
Me: "Why are all my rewards like this?"
System:Because you're a degenerate.
Fair.
The Tournament Grounds
A big mud pit surrounded by stick fences and drunk goblins.
A one-eyed elder named Old Crank announced the rules:
"Last one standing wins. No murder… unless it's funny."
Mudnut flexed so hard he passed out.
Blib immediately fell in a hole.
I had this in the bag.
System pinged.
[New Quest: Win the Tournament]
[Reward: 1000 EXP + Legendary Garbage Crown + Choose One Swamp Wife]
I cracked my knuckles. Time to ruin lives.
Round One: Me vs. Soggy Greg
Soggy Greg was known for one thing: never bathing.
He charged at me, wielding a wet stick.
I kicked mud in his eyes.
He slipped, headbutted a log, and passed out.
Crowd: "OHHHHHHHHHH!!!"
Me: "Easy."
Round Two: Me vs. Ma Grugga
She had a spoon. I had fear.
I tried reasoning with her.
"Wait, I'm your—"
WHACK
She chased me around the pit for five minutes until Skreeble divebombed her and sneezed fire.
She fainted.
Me: "I regret nothing."
Final Round: Me vs. The Mysterious Challenger
A hooded figure entered the pit.
Crowd:Gasp.
"Who's that?"
"I dunno, but they smell rich."
The figure threw off the hood.
It was Blib's cousin, Slopina.
Crowd:GASP
She was the strongest goblin in three swamps.
Arms like tree trunks.
Teeth like daggers.
Wearing a tattered wedding veil for no reason.
Me: "Okay, I might die."
The Fight
She charged.
I screamed.
She punched.
I ducked.
Skreeble swooped down and dropped a flaming chicken on her head.
She flailed, slipped on mud, and landed in a hole.
Crowd: "OHHHHHHH!!!"
System pinged.
[Quest Complete: Win the Tournament]
[+1000 EXP]
[EXP: 3530/4000]
[Obtained: Legendary Garbage Crown (Boosts Charisma to Other Goblins by +10)]
[Choose One Swamp Wife]
Me: "Pass."
System:Too late, randomizing…
[Wife Acquired: Slopina]
Me: "NOOOOOOOOOOO—"
Plop croaked judgmentally.
Skreeble burped a fireball.
That Night
I wore my Garbage Crown, sitting on my muddy throne.
Skreeble gnawed on a log.
Mudnut was still passed out.
Blib was stuck in a hole.
System pinged.
[Notice: Pregnancy Progress – 11 Confirmed]
"Dammit, Slopina."