Kim Dokja was rather self-aware when it came to most things, save for a few exceptions. He had above-average interpersonal skills if he had to say so himself. And even if he sort of sucked at intrapersonal skills, he didn't need a Shaman to tell him that his life was shit.
He knew that much. Ages ago. And when it happened, he had taken it all in stride.
Kim Dokja was not a believer in the supernatural. Sure, he loved reading fantasy novels but that didn't mean he believed in it. Going to a shaman had never crossed his mind and even when it was mentioned, he considered it a waste of time and money.
But it was not always that Yoo Joonghyuk gave in to their constant pestering and let them visit his hometown. It was a little trip, three nights, two days, just the three of them, Kim Dokja, Han Sooyoung and Yoo Joonghyuk.
It wasn't technically his hometown, but it was where his master was staying and he had taken to calling it his hometown.
Han Sooyoung was the one to bring it up. She said she wanted to give Kim Dokja a proper farewell before he left for his mandatory military service. And Yoo Joonghyuk had agreed.
It was a nice coastal village, with a lot of seafood, nice weather, a pretty view; a perfect spot for a little trip, away from their busy city lives.
Han Sooyoung threatened, goaded, whined, threw tantrums, and even bribed him to visit the local Shaman whom she had heard of from the villagers. Finally, Kim Dokja gave in and the three of them went to visit the Shaman.
Kim Dokja wasn't exactly impressed by the middle-aged lady sitting before the shrine, a fan spread out before her face as she swayed on the spot, humming a soft monotonous tune.
Han Sooyoung had been the one to push him onto the floor and then took a seat to his right while Yoo Joonghyuk sat to his left.
Putting some money in the golden bowl, Han Sooyoung told the Shaman that Kim Dokja needed a reading on his love life.
Kim Dokja didn't need anything. He thought this was a waste of money.
"Child," the Shaman had snapped her fan shut and waved it at his head. "Ominous energy surrounds you. It envelopes you. It seeps into everything you touch. It destroys."
Han Sooyoung listened eagerly, of course. It was a real-life experience she could derive from for her novels.
Yoo Joonghyuk had a blank face but Kim Dokja knew the nuances of his expression and could tell that he thought all of this was baloney.
The Shaman continued talking about something from his past haunting him, evil sinking its claws into his neck and all other impressive-sounding nonsense. Something from his past life's bad karma was clinging onto him and ruining his current life and stuff. Then she said there was no way he could get rid of it and that it would ruin his chances with love forever. His best chance was to weaken it and then she tried scamming him into buying some talismans that had no business being as expensive as they were.
Han Sooyoung had then insisted on getting a fortune reading for all three of them.
Han Sooyoung had immense good luck coming her way and she was happy with it.
Yoo Joonghyuk was blessed by the gods and as long as the sun rose he would be lucky in all endeavours of his. Yoo Joonghyuk was sceptical but did nothing to argue or prove it was all bullshit.
When it came to Kim Dokja's turn, the Shaman frowned and clicked her tongue pitifully.
"Bad luck, child, bad luck."
Kim Dokja wasn't fazed. He'd been through shit worse than just bad luck.
"It's that wretched energy around you that attracts horrible and dark-minded people. That will only bring you bad luck."
"Is there anything we can do?" Han Sooyoung had asked sounding grave, like he was dying from some crippling disease.
"The only chance is to stick to someone with pure energy, blessed by the divine beings. Like this young man, perhaps."
Yoo Joonghyuk had spoken for the first time after coming there. "Good thing, I'm his close friend."
Close friend. . .Just kill him now.
Hey, gods, divine beings, whatever the fuck it was, just strike him dead now. He wasn't really looking forward to living anyway. It was super hard, not worth it, maybe two stars on ten, would not recommend.
Friend.
That word stabbed right into his heart and he pretended he felt nothing.
Kim Dokja was horrible when it came to anything romance-related.
Jung Heewon said he was too practical. Lee Seolhwa said he was a bit cynical sometimes. Lee Hyunsung said he should try looking at the bright side.
Kim Dokja failed to see what this had to do with romance and Han Sooyoung called him an idiot while Yoo Sangah said it would come to him when the time's right.
Kim Dokja wasn't dying to love someone or anything. He would have been perfectly fine without dating anyone, he was cool with being single for his whole life. He would have been fine if he never fell in love and experienced romantic love.
And that's where the issue came in. He had already fallen in love.
He was in love with his best friend, Yoo Joonghyuk.
But Yoo Joonghyuk already had a girlfriend.
By the time Kim Dokja had realised what it was that he was feeling, it was too late.
Shortly put, Kim Dokja didn't want to ruin his relationship with Yoo Joonghyuk, so he tried his hand at dating.
The first obstacle he came across was the fact that no one was really going to love him like in the movies and stories. No one was going to come to him, he would have to go to them instead. He wasn't so good-looking that people would feel attracted immediately. He didn't have an air about him that made people want to initiate a conversation either.
If he wanted to date, he would have to put himself out there.
Too much work, Kim Dokja told himself. He couldn't be bothered.
It was Yoo Joonghyuk again who gave him the motivation to grit his teeth and get it over with. The number of times Yoo Joonghyuk spoke about just how smart, kind and beautiful Lee Seolhwa was drove Kim Dokja mad.
Surprisingly, Kim Dokja found a girlfriend soon enough. Then they broke up within two months. It should have been a sign, really.
He put himself out there again anyway.
Allowed his department mates to drag him off to bars and clubs even though he absolutely hated it. He found a boyfriend this time. Maybe it hadn't worked first because he'd gone after a woman.
His shitty boyfriend cheated on him and they broke up again.
Kim Dokja didn't feel all that bad though. He had never loved either of his past partners. He was just trying to move on, to distract him.
Things never worked for him when it came to romance.
He tried looking at it through the lens of a reader. It made things easier for him often.
And he found multiple potential love interests, but all of them either ended up becoming his good friends or the relationship soured somehow.
Failed relationships were a ton. He would go on dates and then he would get ghosted. When he got into a relationship, it would end up in a breakup. The number of times he had been cheated on was surprisingly impressive.
Kim Dokja couldn't help but wonder if there was a formula for this. How was he managing to turn so many people into cheaters?
When he found a person he truly liked as an individual, not just romantically, he would take a step back. There was no way he was going to risk a good relationship for something as paltry as a romantic relationship.
Han Sooyoung, a web novel writer, they used to get into fights online frequently and they met each other in real life for the first time when they were in college. Kim Dokja took on the role of Han Sooyoung's beta reader and editor and they ended up growing closer.
There had been some flirting, there was some attraction, and Kim Dokja was aware of it too. Han Sooyoung was touchy and Kim Dokja didn't feel particularly weird about it either. They had conversations that were just sarcastic comments being thrown back and forth continuously and they never felt hurt by all the comments they'd said. They knew it wasn't meant to harm. It was comfortable.
Over the countless lemon-flavoured lollipops that they had shared, Kim Dokja realised he liked Han Sooyoung a lot more than he thought. If they started dating, there was a chance that their relationship would take a turn for the worse. Especially when he didn't like her romantically.
He didn't want to lose Han Sooyoung.
So Kim Dokja made no moves, he put on a wall and he watched as that attraction faded away from Han Sooyoung's eyes and she only saw him as a friend again.
Kim Dokja didn't feel bad when it happened. He was simply satisfied.
Yoo Joonghyuk had introduced Lee Hyunsung to him and they got closer than Lee Hyunsung was with Yoo Joonghyuk. Again, he noticed the potential for it to turn into something else. But Lee Hyunsung was another good friend he did not want to lose. He didn't want to use the kind man as a tool for him to move on from the one he was pining after.
Jung Heewon, a similar case. Kim Dokja had happened to run into her when she was in some trouble and helped her out. He wasn't prepared for it, but Jung Heewon kept chasing after him to pay him back for the help she had received. There was potential, but the more time he spent with the woman and grew closer to her, Kim Dokja figured a romantic relationship with her wasn't worth it. He liked their friendship better.
Yoo Sangah was one of the only colleagues who was nice to him at work. Sometimes they even got on the same subway. Yoo Sangah was wise, hardworking and truthfully, inspiring.
Kim Dokja put his hands behind his back and kept them there. A romantic relationship with Yoo Sangah wasn't worth it either. He could see how it would end, Yoo Sangah was a woman with ambition, she had a goal of her own and with Kim Dokja's apathetic nature, their relationship would strain and eventually snap.
He liked being friends with Yoo Sangah. Why would he ruin it?
And then there was his oldest friend, Yoo Joonghyuk.
Haaah. . .That guy was the start of all this trouble.
Of course, again, it wasn't worth ruining his current relationship with Yoo Joonghyuk for something like romance, something Kim Dokja was horrible at. He wasn't a good lover, he knew that much.
As much as he hated being just a friend to Yoo Joonghyuk, he would hate it more if he ended up being an ex or a stranger.
And hey, the man was happy with his life, with his girlfriend and as a good friend, Kim Dokja was happy for him too. Truly.
Just, if he were to break up with his girlfriend tomorrow, Kim Dokja wouldn't feel sorry at all. But that was a secret he was keeping to himself.
In a way, Kim Dokja was the common factor that brought most of their friends together. If he broke away, the others would too and that would affect the whole group. If his stupid feelings got in the way and ruined everything for them, it would be the worst and he would never forgive himself for it.
His love for Yoo Joonghyuk was something only for him to know, no one else had to find out. Kim Dokja was used to hiding and faking his feelings, it wasn't a hard task to accomplish.
That however didn't mean that he was alright with it. Pretending got very hard sometimes, especially in extreme situations.
The solution for this was to not be around during said extreme situations.
And that's also the reason why he was making a list of things he had to pack for his trip on his phone at the moment.
It was a wonderful plan. He was quite pleased with it. It was a shame he would never get to share it with anyone.
Step one of his plan, break up with his current girlfriend. He had seen it coming weeks ago. He had even planted the trigger two days prior, it should be happening in the next few days.
Kim Dokja never initiated a breakup. Mostly because he wasn't attached in the first place.
Han Sooyoung had said, "You have to do the dumping, not get dumped. It's all about pride, you bastard."
And Yoo Sangah had replied to her, "Ah, that explains a lot, Sooyoung-ssi."
Then they got into another argument. Same old, same old.
Kim Dokja's pride wasn't really wounded because someone dumped him. It had zero effect on him. It might as well have been a random leaf falling off a random tree. Okay, cool, so what?
He let himself be the one being dumped because his acting skills were the best when he had to fill in the role of a pitiful person. He had a lot of experience in that, since his childhood that too.
It was another tally mark on the trials that failed. He still hadn't moved on.
His friends would feel sorry for him again. He could already imagine all that they were going to tell him. They'd try taking him out to have fun, set him up on blind dates, tell him that romance wasn't all that mattered and all of that.
He was always grateful for all that they did for him.
He wanted to be the best friend possible for all of them, but there was a certain limit. He could only take it up till there. Anything beyond that, and his mask would crack, his very attentive friends would notice and that would bring everything tumbling down.
He wasn't going to let that happen.
What he did, what he felt, what he thought were all secrets that he would keep for himself. They weren't pretty things anyway. They would be disappointed and ask him to seek professional help because they cared for him and wanted him to get better.
And Kim Dokja would rather not go through that.
He entered every relationship with a mask on, he was coming out of it with the mask still on.
He was a cruel lover, really. He was horrible. No one would want him. He knew he wouldn't. He wanted no one either. . .Ah, except for one, but that one person wasn't someone he could have.
One of his exes had told him that he was very caring, and attentive and treated them nicely, but there was some strange distance they were never able to cover no matter how much they tried and they only kept being miserable.
They couldn't think of a logical reason why they would want to break up with him, he did everything a good partner should do, but there was still something that lacked so, so terribly.
To fill in all that was missing, they looked elsewhere.
Han Sooyoung heard this and went feral.
"Don't listen to nonsense," Yoo Joonghyuk had told him. "It's a cowardly hypocrite's words."