We teach people how to treat us - We teach people how to treat us

we teach people how to treat us your strategy: own, rather than complain about, people treat you lean to renegotiate your relationship to have what you want.

The life you have learned thus far have focused on how and why you get the results thst you do as you go through your life. This life is no exception. It deal specifically. With how you define your relationship and how you get results, but you yourself are a results, and their for you shape the behavior of dose with whom you interact, because people learn by result, whether or not you reward me accept, or validate thier behavior impacts thier conduct, and will influence their subsequent choices. How you interact and react to their behavior determines whether or not they are likely to react to repeat it. You therfore actively participate in defying your relationships. so if you ever wonder why people treat you the way they do, they do what they do because you have taught them, based on results. Which behavior gets a payoff and which one don't. If they get what they want. The keep that behavior in repertoire. If accquer a new one. Understand that here. As in all areas of your life, results, not intentions, influence the people with whom you interact. You may complain or cry or threaten to give them negative results, but if the bottom line is that you reward the behavior by providing a response that the other person values, then that person decides, "Hey, this works. I now know how to get what I want.

If the people in your life treat you in an undesirable way, you're going to want to want to figure out what you are doing to reinforce, elicit, or allow that treatment. If you're involve in ploitive, or insensitive toward you, find out what you're doing to encourage that behavior, so what you can realigh thru relationship in a more healthy direction.

Relationships are matually defined. Each participant contributes importantly to its definition. From the very outset, it is a give - and - take negotiations between the participant. To gether, you and your partner hammer out the terms, rule, and guidelines. Therefore, if you don't like the deal, don't blame just your partner. You have ownership of the relationship just as much as he ore she does. Here's how it works :

Person A starts out relationship. Person B in some manner that set a stone for the relationship. Person B them react to that original defining message by sending back a response either accepting or rejecting A's definition. If it is rejected, B may either tatally withdraw, or modify it in some way. If you B's response charges the definition, then A will in turn either accept or reject the new definition, and respond to the B. This continues until a relationship has been worked out and adopted. Thus you have been an active participant in creating the terms and conditions of every one of your relationships.

I once counseled a middle-aged couple who had been married twenty-seven years. John was an electrical contractor and Kay was a highly experienced medical receptionist. Both came from large families and had raised four children thes selves, all grown and out on their own. While they profeved to love each other very much, they acknowledged they had come to me because their communication was terrible.

They arrived at my office one day right after a holiday, saying that they had recently had their worst fight in all ther years together. Kay fumed, but said nothing, as John described the events leading up to the fight. He said that he had developed an annual tradition of staying up all night on Thanksgiving Eve to cook the turkey for the large family gathering that was al ways held at their home. On this particular Thanksgiving, they were expecting twenty-six family members for dinner. While he only occasionally drank alcohol, John said that his traditional Thanksgiving ritual was as follows:

"Every Wednesday night before Thanksgiving, I get a jug of Jack Daniel's and wait until she and any of the company turn in, and then I start cooking.

"I like to cook it real slow. So usually about mileng I stick the bird in the oven, knock the top off the yug of w key, and start an all-night ordeal. Usually after a quart of Ja Daniel's, me and the turkey get done about the same time it

Over the years, Kay had not seemed to mind this Unfortunately, however, this particular year John apparently a little ahead of the turkey with regard to the whiskey drinkag lem, it was six o'clock in the morning and he had a twenty-s and forgot to light the oven. By the time he discovered the pund turkey still refrigerator-cold. With reasoning that could ale spring from a mind pickled in Jack Daniel's, he made the only logical decision: fry the turkey, piece by piece. When Kay entered the kitchen and found grease stains decorating every wall, mrkey parts being fried in eight or nine different skillets and pans, and John up to his eyebrows in flour, she was decid-ally unhappy. And as the old saying goes, "When momma ain't happy, ain't nobody happy."

This crisis had strained John and Kay beyond all rea-son. For ten days, they had essentially not spoken. Each blamed the other for the disastrous state of their relationship. In John's new, the reason they didn't have much of a marriage was that Kay almost never spoke. Kay insisted that they had a poor relationship because John was always "running off at the mouth" and would never listen. Like most couples, they had not really come to me for help, but instead to have a referee or a judge who could declare which of them was right and which was wrong.

Not surprisingly, I couldn't fulfill that request, because neither John nor Kay was right or wrong. They had mutually defined their relationship. John had taught Kay that it was ac ceptable to treat him passively, with little or no communica tion, because for years and years he had accepted that behavior. had and do all of the talking, because she had allowed him to do so for twenty-seven years. By letting each other get away with the problem behavior, each had taught the other that his or her behavior was acceptable.

When they finally reached the point in their lives when only the two of them were left at home, and there were ao children to act as buffers, their problems came to the forefront. At last, in the face of what they considered to be a major cri sis-the Thanksgiving debacle-the foundation of their mutuSTIMULE

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ally defined relationship began to crack. It was time for thes to recognize that each had taught the other how to treat hing or her, and that in neither case was that treatment healthy Once John and Kay stopped reinforcing each other's unaccep able behavior, they began to develop better communicatio skills and a greater degree of intimacy and trust (although don't believe John ever got solo turkey duty again).

As John and Kay's history demonstrates, even a paty of relating that is almost thirty years old can be redefined you can teach people how to treat you in the first place, can reteach them how to treat you after that. It is in the gre and-take of relating, and of results, that relationships are sa cessfully negotiated. You may not have known that you wee negotiating and creating, but you were. Now you know: fieng in a meaningful negotiation and not knowing it can be very dangerous.

The good news is that, because you are accountable you can declare the relationship "reopened for negotiation" any time you choose, and for as long as you choose. John und Kay did exactly that after almost thirty years. In any case, relationships or old, you are responsible for whatever s your relationships are in. Please understand that I mean are responsible in the most literal sense, and even in the mo extreme, seemingly one-sided circumstances.

In a much more serious and tragic example of this law, sal once, early in my career, being summoned to the emergen room of a local hospital by a neurosurgeon with whom worked on a daily basis. Because I had developed a pract which included the diagnosis and treatment of brain mum and disorders, he had asked me to help him develop a t tional diagnosis of a woman with acute trauma to the bell and spinal cord, and a possible closed-head injury. /STIMULE

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a few blocks from the hospital when I got the page, so I arrived even before attendants had finished cleaning up the patient and taking her history.

Dolores was semiconscious when I entered the room, but was anything but talkative. Her scalp had been lacerated at the hairline, and the flesh was laid back four to five inches across almost the entire width of her forehead. Her left ear dangled, and would have to be surgically reattached. Her bot-tom teeth protruded through her lower lip and chin, and her nose was severely broken, displaced and lacerated. This hos-pital was located not far from a major interstate highway, where serious wrecks had become commonplace. Dolores's in-juries were consistent with having gone through the windshield of a car; it appeared that she might even have hit the pavement. More to determine her degree of orientation than to actually gather details, I began to ask her questions. My first question was, "Dolores, tell me where this happened." It would be of diagnostic, not to mention legal, significance whether or not she had amnesia, and whether she could report accurately as 10 person, place, and time. I also wanted to test her short-term tmemory by finding out if she could identify the highway or the intersection for me.

To say that Dolores's answer stunned me would be a huge understatement. In a soft, slurred voice, she answered, "It happened in my den and bedroom." She reluctantly confessed that her husband had beaten her. I was bewildered; I was ap palled; and I was angry. All of the grotesque injuries I saw were the work of her life partner. In an effort to comfort her, I said, "I am so terribly sorry that this has happened to you. You must just be shocked."

Dolores sort of shrugged her shoulders. Then she said, "Well, Looking at me through bloodstained was shocked the first time, but I guess I'm not anymore." and swollen eyes, I confess to you that my attitude immediately changed Granted, I was no less horrified by the scope and intensity of her suffering. Nothing could erase my conviction that her hus hand was vicious, wicked, and sick. But now I was confused How could these people live like this? In my book, this was attempted murder. I instantly thought, "Dolores, whatever the deal, whatever his hold on you, you must escape. This is not okay."

Reviewing her chart, I learned the sad history of her previous trips to the emergency room: her husband had broken tour of her ribs; had held her hands down on a hot kitchen burner, had knocked her unconscious twice; and over the la three years, she had needed stitches several times. Always, the covered for him; each time she lied, and ultimately, she always went home to him.

While there's no question that this was an extremely sad situation, I maintain that Dolores's accountability in this relationship was undeniable. By remaining with him and failing to press charges against him, she had effectively and comis tently taught him that "this is okay. You can get away with this. I will let you beat on me and even kill me."

Now you may say, "Dr. McGraw, you don't under stand. It's hard for the woman in this situation, particularly if she's not employed outside the home, to have the wherewithal to escape." I know that is true, and that it is a helpless feeling to be trapped and have no ready option. It is difficult if leaving pata children in jeopardy. But you must first and foremost pro sect your life and body. You either teach people to treat you with dignity and respect, or you don't. If you remain, then they get away with it, and you are worth far more than that

Dolores was not to blame; Dolores was the victim of a terrible crime-but she and only she could remove him or her self from the danger. In my opinion, her husband was to She had to rely on herself. There is no in-between; ono mitigation; there is no excuse; and there is no al-If you are getting beat on, you had better get out, for help, and reach now. Our hospital system provided help. My colleague and I did call the police. Ultimately, Mores's husband received probation. But when I last heard how them, they were back together.

Thever your relationship partners may be, you have taught on the rules and you have taught them the boundaries of the relationship. They have learned your response patterns and in-arporated them into their actions. If you acknowledge your ne in this ongoing transaction, then you are living and think-ing in accordance with Life Law #2: being accountable. You re acknowledging that you have created your own experience, and that when you chose to accept certain conduct from your partner, you chose the consequence of living with that conduct. You are acknowledging that if your partner is doing certain things with, for, or to you, he or she is doing them because the two of you have worked it out that way. Your partner will have to be retrained about what works and what doesn't.

I fervently hope, if you happen to be in a negative re-lationship, that it is not nearly as sick and severe as Dolores's. But the rules are the same. You teach people what they can get away with and what they cannot. You teach them by either actively rewarding their destructive relationship behavior, or by passively allowing them to persist in that behavior. If and when you acknowledge this Life Law, you will begin to analyze your relationship behavior. You will ask not why your relationship is where it is, but why not? You will see that it is where it is

The number of the National Domestic Violence Hotline is 1-800-799-SAFE (7233). This is a toll-free call. One call summons immediate help, twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week. because you programmed it that way. If you are the one who determines whether or not the things people do are working for you or not, then you can change the relationship, starting right now. I'm not saying it will be easy. You have to decide if you are worth the trouble.

It should be apparent that I am seeking to manipulate you here. I've said that the participants define a relationship, and I want you to have no doubt that they do. Obviously, I want to inspire and instruct you to define all of your relation-ships with a minimum standard of treatment, such that physi-cally, mentally, and emotionally, both partners receive dignity and respect. But in order to make that standard prevail, you must be willing to control your responses. Since you cannot change what you do not acknowledge, let's focus on the spe cifics of how you have taught people how to treat you. Then you'll be able to target the response patterns that need change.

The fundamental issue, of course, is whether or not you are "paying off" your partner for unwanted behavior. I'm not suggesting that payoffs should not be part of any relationship. If your partner treats you with dignity and respect, then it's only appropriate that you pay him or her off for that desirable behavior. On the other hand, if your partner treats you with insensitivity or cruelty, and you are paying him or her off for it, then that needs to stop. When people are aggressive, bossy, or controlling, and it works-meaning they get their way-you have rewarded them for unacceptable behavior. Your chal lenge, then, is to identify what payoffs you may be giving your partner in response to any negative behavior.

This sort of pattern should be easy enough to spol For example, if your partner pouts when you don't compl and you give in: bingo, payoff for pouting. They now know how to treat you to get their way. But it may be that the payoffs you most need to identify are much less apparent. we cheat ourselves by not requiring our partners delt own weight, thus allowing them to get by with perfumance or poor-quality performance. Specific pay-The gry to coast. Perhaps you are constantly covering partner's inadequacies, or shouldering a mental, or hnancial load that is way more than reason-Svibe payoff: He or she enjoys the fruits of your la-Fren more insidiously, perhaps you are holding yourself your level of performance, so as not to threaten your Specific payoff: A false sense of equality and security.

Somemmes people parent their partners, supporting them motecting them as if they were children. Specific payoff: No expectations. Perhaps you literally support your partner money and a home. Specific payoff: A free ride. Perhaps partner is threatened by genuine intimacy, and you allow relationship to exist at a level comfortable for him or her, but anrewarding for you. Specific payoff: No emotional demands, and high-level self-absorption. Suffice it to say that, whatever you an allowing your partner to "get away with," the very act of that tolerance is a subtle but significant payoff.

Before you reopen the negotiation, you must commit to do so from a position of strength and power, not fear and self-doubt, Getting to that position requires the knowledge and the resolve we have discussed. The knowledge you have been ac cumulating since you opened this book, including the resolve to be treated with dignity and respect, must be uncompro ing. You must make a life decision that you would rather he well by yourself than be sick with someone else. This w that you are not playing a game, you are not blafting, and y are not taking positions for shock value le means that y would rather be by yourself, treating yourself with digangand respect, and living healthfully and happib, than he wichapar ner you cannot trust. You may be dependent on this. and you may have a habit of being with him or her, but if he or she is not willing to treat you reasonably and properly, say, "Change your way, or I am out of here."

As you evaluate your relationships, beware of the temp tation to deceive yourself. It is hard to accept that you are ents partly responsible for the mistreatment that you get at the hands of someone else. As we have seen, it is much more em, natural, and convenient to be the victim, and to blame some else. But I hope I've persuaded you, and you know in your heart, that you are in fact responsible. If you refuse to s responsibility for the way people treat you, how much of a commitment will you make to change?

The worst thing you could do is make a lot of about changing things, only to revert to the old, familiar, te structive patterns. To talk about change and not do it teach your partner to treat your statements and declaration lightly. You will teach him or her to be patient, confident the you will soon give in. Your commitment to change nenh rise to the level of the life decisions we discussed earlier. Wh your relationship standards are concerned, commit to your that, although it may be difficult to effect change, you must compromise. To compromise in this area is to sell our most precious commodity: you.

As is true of every element of your specie life egy, it will be important to make these relationship ch in a meaningful, purposeful, and constructive manner der to do that, it is critically important that you finis what specific changes need to occur. In other words, Fou mine where you really are in a to be careful that you don't "fix what ain't broke, and ine what is." You'll need to have a heart-level conversan relationship in order to yourself about the status of any relationship that yo change. Assignment : While the com

about leaching people how to treat you, and othe wlationships in your life, the working example stral to focus on is the one you have semic her The following list of questions may help you to dies none not only the current status of your relationship but the roots for that status.

Relationship questionnaire:

In all honesty, do you feel that you give, while your partner takes?

Yes No

-Is your relationship a parent/child relationship, rather than the interaction of two adults?

Yes No

Do you and your partner fight with increasing frequency and/or intensity?

Yes No

4-Do you find yourself frequently apologizing?

Yes No

5-Do you feel that you just need some space and time alone?

Yes No

-Looking back over the last year of your relationship, do you feel that you have made most of the sacrifices and changes?

Yes No

-Do you find that you frequently make excuses for your mate, either to yourself or other people?

Yes No

8-Do you feel that your emotional needs are not being met?

Yes No

9-If you answered "yes" to #8: Do you feel that this has substantially cheated you out of a big part of your life?

Yes No

to-Are you physically frustrated in your relationship?

Yes

-Do you feel that your relationship plays second fiddle to your mate's job, or the children, or other priorities?

Yes Yes No

12-Do you keep significant secrets from your mate?

13-Do you feel that you are being used?

Yes No

14-Do you feel that there has to be more to your life than that which you are living in this relationship?

Yes No

15-Do you see patterns developing or being played out in your relationship that mirror those in either of your parents' marriages?

Yes No

16-Do you find yourself too threatened to take the risk of true intimacy in your relationship?

Yes No

17-Do you feel that you are the only one who legitimately works on your relationship?

Yes No

18-Is guilt a major factor in your relationship?

Yes No

19-Do you feel that you are just going through the motions in your relationship?

Yes No

20-Is your partner more like a roommate than a partner?

Yes No

21-Do you entertain fantasies about not being in this relationship anymore?

Yes No

22-Do you find that in order to have peace and harmony with your mate, you have had to stop being who you really are?

Yes No

23-Have you and your partner stopped working at your relationship, and just accepted it as is?

Yes No

24-Are you in this relationship today simply because you were in it yesterday, rather than because you really want to be?

Yes No

Highlight those questions to which you answered "yes." Obviously, the more wers will serve as talking points between you and your partner as you reopen the negotiation of the relationship.

By requiring more from yourself and your partner, you am, in essence, "changing the deal." And make no mistake: Those with whom you are currently in relationships won't like They will resist your changing the status quo. You taught them the rules, you've been rewarding their conduct, and they, the you, have gotten comfortable with the deal. If the price of poker is about to go up, it's only fair that you warn them about the changes before you begin to respond to their behavior in a different way. If you have taught someone to go on green and stop on red, but now change the rules, he or she is entitled to know about the change.

When I say your partner will resist change in general, and in particular any change that requires more of him or her, do not underestimate the vigor of that resistance. The resistance may range from allegations that "you just don't care anymore," all the way to emotional extortion. Emotional extortion may take the form of threats to leave if you don't cave in on your new position, or may even involve agitated threats of suicide. You may well hear a speech similar to this one:

"I can't believe you are doing this to me!... How long have you hated me?... I've tried to make you happy; I've given and given.... You know how to hurt me and you are doing it.... There's someone else, isn't there?... Those so-called friends of yours are jealous and are filling your head with all this crap, can't you see that?... What makes you so perfect?... You don't have any room to talk; do you remember what you did last year? I'd rather die than lose you."

Let's take a closer look at this speech. First of all, it is totally manipulative and self-serving: "I can't believe you are doing this to me" is victim talk. It is full of attempts to put words in your mouth, in order to create guilt and put you on. the defensive. It implies that you are being hurtful; that the is someone else, or that it's your friends. It is also full of tacks: "You are doing this"; "I've tried, but now aren't perfect"; "You don't care," Finally, it contains the sh mate threat: "I'll just kill myself."

This speech may be followed by your partner' tending nothing ever happened, and attempting just tou "business as usual"; or by a flurry of short-term "sweeties and light." Your partner may also contact your friends family members, to recruit them to help dissuade you from the "craziness." In any event, the primary thrust of this and almon any attack within a relationship will be based on guilt.

Chanas nae Yo

Guilt is a powerful and destructive weapon in relati ships, and you must steel yourself against being manipulated by it. Guilt paralyzes you and shuts you down. No progress made if you are whipping yourself with shame. The healt alternative is to acknowledge any problem behavior, figure on why the problem behavior happens; and make a plan he change. The universe rewards action; guilt is paralysis.

Stay the course. Do not be diverted from your resohe If your partner threatens to leave or commit suicide, that's a bluff you must call. If you think the threat to harm him herself is genuine, your relationship and your partner w much more unstable than you thought. In any event, if you believe they are capable of hurting themselves, call the poin or the county sheriff and let the professionals deal with it, do not cave in. If you back off, you are teaching the part that you can be "handled."

Finally, and in the interests of fairness and comple ness, no discussion of Life Law #8 would be complete within your considering it from the outside looking in. What are the people in your life letting you get away with? Have ther raue you that it is okay for you to treat them with less than dign. and respect? Have they taught you that you can coast in your relationships, functioning at less than a quality level?

Remember the principle of reciprocity: You get what you give. Do not ask people to do what you are not willing to do yourself. Take a focused and serious look at your behavior in relationships. What payoffs are you getting for unhealthy conduct? Are you willing not just to identify those payoffs, but to give them up? By being honest about your own behavior, you can win tremendous credibility, and foster an environment conducive to change. Don't ever take someone else's inventory if you're not willing to take your own.