The orchestral band cast an enchanting melody across the ballroom as I moved gracefully with her in my arms. Fingers intertwined, we moved like a gentle ocean current across the ballroom floor. My other hand rested upon the delicate curves of her back as she laid her arm against my shoulder, tracing small circles on the skin of my neck. In that moment time stood still, the warmth of her body against my own was stirring new emotions inside of me. It was a moment of intimacy I have not felt in many years. I was nervous, evident to her by the racing of my heart as she rested the side of her head on my chest. As our dance concluded and our bodies separated, my eyes met her own and I couldn't help but smile. The first genuine smile in what seemed like years. She saw my smile and responded with a warm smile of her own, an invitation to keep the night going. As I reached out to take her hand, I was pulled by the neck and slammed back in my bed, my arm still reaching outward to take hers.
That's right, I thought to myself, she isn't real. I sighed, dropping my hand back down onto the cold sheets of the bed.
As I lay there in my bed waking up, the harsh truth came back to me. I was not dancing with a beautiful woman at a dance. I was not learning how to love again. I was... Stuck overseas in the back woods of Romania, far from any woman who would want to dance or show any interest in me.
I closed my eyes and rubbed the temples of my head, listening to the loud snoring of seven other soldiers I had to share a room with. As I lay there in silence, I found myself wishing I could return to the sweet dream I had just left. The way we had held each other, how she rested her delicate hand on my shoulder, the warmth of her smile. It was all so real, yet so fake. The thoughts swirled in and out of my head, and I felt a constricting pain in my chest.
I reached over to my nightstand and checked my phone. 0433am. My alarm is scheduled to go off in two minutes, just my luck I wake up right before it goes off. Time to get up and go to the post gym, then a twelve-hour guard shift after that. Great.
As I sat up and got out of my bed, I was careful not to wake anyone else as I dressed myself to go exercise. The pitch-black room was quiet with the exception of the occasional snoring and rolling of the other soldiers in their beds. I pulled my clothes over myself and slowly opened the door to the barracks hallway, remembering to lift the door up slightly to avoid that loud creak it makes.
Once I make it to the post gym, I walk past the man at the front counter into the weight room. He gave me a quiet nod before returning his attention back to scrolling on his phone. As usual, the room is nearly empty at this hour. The plethora of old gym equipment filled the room, I guess the army will use all their equipment until it breaks. I started my usual workout routine but found it difficult to focus. My body was going through the motions, but my mind was somewhere completely different. I missed her, the non-existent woman I danced with in my dreams. For the first time in years, she had made me experience the flutter of love again. And now I can't even remember what her face looked like. And that made my chest hurt, as though someone had grabbed my heart with their fist and squeezed.
Stop, I told myself, get over it. You aren't good enough to deserve love like that yet.
I took a deep breath as I reminded myself of what I have been telling myself for years. Which was the truth... For years now, I have told myself I need to improve myself in order to be worthy of the love of another. That mindset is what made me accomplish as much as I have. So I pushed down and ignored those feelings anytime I felt them rise to the surface.
I looked into the gym mirror as I examined the results of my work. I was already naturally tall, but over the years of pushing away love and focusing on self-improvement, I was able to gain quite a bit of muscle as well. I saw the defined curves of muscle on my body that filled in my taller frame. Remembering back to how I used to be. A skinny high schooler who didn't know anything about the cruelty of the world. I am not stupid, I know I look good now. I am well aware of the stares that gravitate toward me whenever I walk in public. But I constantly remind myself that I need to stay humble, that I am not good enough yet.
Every time I look around and think a girl is checking me out, I shake my head. No, she wasn't, I would tell myself. Get off of your high horse.
The guard shift is so boring. We 'guard' an airfield from intruders who aren't military personnel. But since our base is so far into the backwoods of Romania, there isn't anyone around to invade. Ten soldiers are taken from their daily responsibilities to sit at an airfield with weapons that don't even hold bullets.
"Because we aren't in a combat location" they would say. So, we guard the airfield with empty weapons to scare off intruders that will never come. How ridiculous...
I sighed as I looked around. The overcast weather set a damper mood across the airfield as the cool winter air made me shiver. I walked over to the guard post and set down my weapon in the corner. The post itself was hardly passable as an official post. More like a small shack that was put together to barely protect the soldiers from the elements. As I sat down to relax, I felt a tap on my shoulder.
"Hola puto." I looked up to see Yvonne, smirking down at me as she rested her weapon next to mine. Her light brown skin looked darker than it usually did in the early morning light.
"Hey, I didn't know you had guard shift today too." The corner of my mouth was tugged faintly. At least with her here, the guard shift wouldn't be too boring. She had a habit of making things unexpected.
"I told you I would be here with you, you're just a tataras as always." She said as she plopped down in the chair next to me.
"Sorry. I guess I've been a bit distracted is all." I said to her, thinking back to that dream I had last night where I danced with a beautiful woman. I closed my eyes to remember, still feeling the ghost of her touch on my shoulder, the way her slender hand had felt in mine.
Yvonne leaned forward to get a better look at me. "You look even more sad and lonely than you usually do. Something wrong?"
"Huh?" I scolded myself for letting my emotions show. "It's nothing. Don't worry about it."
Yvonne stared at me for a second before deciding to drop the subject. She pulled out her phone and began texting someone.
"You know we aren't allowed to be on our phones. I won't say anything but if you get caught, you're on your own." I told her, resting my hands behind my head as I leaned back in my chair.
"Yeah, yeah. I know puto." She said as she continued to text. "You know, maybe you wouldn't be so sad and lonely if you got a girlfriend." She looked at me and smirked, "Latinas like white boys, and you're tall too. You should learn Spanish, they'll eat you up."
I chuckled as I heard what she said. "I'm too busy for a girlfriend right now." I lied as usual. I wasn't in the mood to hear her argue against my viewpoint that I wasn't good enough.
She sighed. "You always say that." She went back to her texting.
"Is that your boyfriend?"
"Yeah... You know, we've been friends for a while now. But you've been single the entire time. I know I like to poke fun at you, but I don't like seeing you all sad and lonely."
"Who says I'm lonely?"
She gave me an irritated look. "Never mind..."
The next few hours went by at a snail's pace. Every hour, I had to get out of the guard shack and perform a patrol. I would grab my weapon, sling it over my shoulder, and walk the perimeter of the airfield. Every now and then, one of the pilots would run up a Blackhawk and I would watch it fly off for a mission. The sun made its way higher up into the sky as time passed, and as I walked my feet began to weigh down and my hips felt a soreness from overuse. The ground in front of me began to become littered with small black dots, and as I looked up my face started to get wet.
I walked back into the guard shack to see Yvonne munching on a bag of Hot Cheetos, her cheeks bulged out a bit from the amount she had in there.
"Ih it 'aining?" she asked with a full mouth. I smiled a little as I saw how ridiculous she looked.
"Yeah, it's starting to. You look stupid." I answered her as I set down my weapon in the corner and sat back down.
She swallowed down her food and turned away hiding a small smile. "Shut up puto."
As I laid back in my chair my thoughts drifted off. My mind went back to the dream I had last night. I sighed as I closed my eyes and remembered how nice it was. The warmth of her body flush with my own. How her fingers drew tiny circles on my neck. The way her slender body felt as I rested my hand on her back. And her smile, that smile was beautiful. No deception or fakeness behind it. Then I remembered I had woken up. My bed felt especially cold when I woke up this morning. Thinking about it again, I felt a pain in my chest. I looked out the window of the guard shack to see the rain had started to come down heavier.
"Hey..."
Yvonne looked up from her phone. "Hmm?"
"Do you ever have weird dreams?"
She leaned back in her chair and thought. "Hmm... I had a dream where I married Fred, and we had Asian Mexican babies." I laughed a little, of course she would dream something that ridiculous.
"I'm being serious here. What do you think dreams mean?" I asked, "like, I know some are downright ridiculous, but others seem different. I can't really explain it."
"I don't know..." She answered, "dreams are different for everyone. My papá told me when I was little that dreams are a window into your heart. That they're what you want the most in life."
I stared out the window as I heard her answer. The rain was pouring at this point, and thunder was going off in the distance.
"A window into your heart?" My mind couldn't get away from that woman I danced with. Is it true? Is that what my heart wanted? It's true that I have pushed away love for the sake of self-improvement. But I still wasn't good enough, right?
"Is that what you believe too?"
"I think he's right. Dreams are like a tv show of your subconscious, you know?" She turned to me. "Why do you ask? Did you dream something last night?"
"You could say that..." I said. I was hesitant, should I tell her?
"What did you dream about, puto?" she asked, as if reading my mind.
"Nothing."
"Don't lie. You wouldn't have brought it up then."
"It's nothing, forget about it."
"Hey!" She said, "We're both stuck here for five more hours, I'm gonna keep bothering you until you tell me."
"Fine..." I said, my arms dropping to my side. "I had a dream, where I was.... Dancing with a girl."
Yvonne's smile grew into a malicious grin as she listened to me. "I knew it puto. You ARE sad and lonely!"
"Shut up, this is exactly why I didn't want to tell you." I turned my head away from her so she couldn't see my embarrassment. I knew she would make fun of me.
"So then lonely, was this a girl you know?"
"no." I sighed, "I can't even remember what she looked like."
"I don't get why you don't date someone. You're a tall white boy, and you aren't the skinny bone jones you used to be."
I looked away from her as I stared out the window, my heart clenching again. "Because I'm... not good enough yet." I muttered that last part.
"Not good enough?" She said, "you realize you're better than most guys who date around. But you seem to have this permanent self-deprecation thing going on. Is it because of what your mom did to you growing up?"
"I don't know, maybe." I closed my eyes, and my mind flashed back to my childhood and the beatings I endured. The bruises I had to hide when I went to school, and the counseling my dad put me in afterwards. No, I won't allow myself to be weak like that ever again.
"When will you be good enough, then?"
I stayed quiet for a minute, this is exactly why I didn't want to talk about this. My dad asks me the same things whenever we talk.
"I don't know." I said, "love can be a distraction. It can distract you from achieving your goals. I see love more like a reward than a need. I can have love once I'm successful." I turned back to her. "Too many people have kids straight out of high school, like my younger sister. She had her first kid at nineteen years old. And now she and her boyfriend are struggling paycheck to paycheck."
Yvonne nodded in understanding. "Yeah, some people do have kids a little early. But that dream you had says that you want it. You may think of love as a reward, but deep down, you're suffocating."
Her last few words felt like a hammer hitting a nail on the head. I didn't want to admit it to her, but I knew she was right. I looked outside the guard shack again. The rain continued to beat down as thunder roared in the sky. Suffocating.... Is that what I was doing?
Once again, my heart clenched.