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Chapter 4: The Silent Collapse
I used to be that girl—the one who always came first in class. Teachers praised me. My classmates looked up to me. My mom? She was proud. Always smiling, always showing off my results like they were trophies.
But then… things started changing.
At first, it was small. I went from 1st to 3rd place. Everyone said, "You'll bounce back next term." I told myself the same thing.
But I didn't.
Third place became sixth. And with every drop, I didn't just lose a number—I lost a part of myself. I wasn't the same Chloe anymore. The smart, sharp, confident girl was slowly fading into someone I didn't even recognize.
I was reading—honestly, I was. But I didn't know what was happening. The words didn't stay. I'd stare at my books for hours, but it was like my brain was somewhere else. Numb. Empty.
My mom thought I was just playing too much. She scolded me gently sometimes, thinking I was getting distracted with my phone or TV. But how could I explain what was really distracting me? How could I tell her I was fighting an addiction I didn't even fully understand?
People who didn't even study like I did… started scoring better than me. That one hurt deeply. I saw people rise while I kept falling. It wasn't just disappointing—it was humiliating. I felt like I was betraying everyone's expectations. I hated looking at my report card. I hated looking in the mirror even more.
Spiritually, it was worse.
I couldn't pray without guilt choking my throat. I'd kneel to talk to God, and I'd hear a voice say, "What are you doing here? After everything you did last night?" I'd cry through my prayers—if I even had the strength to pray at all.
Emotionally? I was a wreck. I felt worthless, hopeless, and dirty. I laughed with friends during the day but cried alone at night. Nobody knew what I was going through. I was hiding in plain sight.