Chapter 22: Auntie Akos Goes to Church
Sunday morning came with a kind of intensity only Auntie Akos could bring.
She woke up at 5am, already dressed in head-to-toe white lace, gele higher than my rent, and a Bible bigger than a laptop.
"Samuel, hurry up! We must not be late to the Lord's house. God doesn't wait for last-minute believers."
Mind you, church starts at 9am.
I was still brushing my teeth at 6:15am when she shouted through the window:
"Wear your cleanest clothes. Today I must see what kind of girls attend your church. I don't want you marrying any Jezebel in skinny jeans!"
I sighed and picked my decent shirt — the only one she hadn't called "funeral-wear."
At 8:20am, we marched to church like an arranged royal parade.
When we entered, everybody turned.
Not because of me.
Because Auntie Akos glowed like a Christmas tree in that white lace. Even the pastor's wife gave her a suspicious side-eye.
She sat in front. Not beside me.
In front.
Because "blessings fall forward."
Worship time came, and this woman transformed. She waved her scarf like a flag of victory, nearly hit two ushers and stepped on someone's toddler.
Then the real battle began:
The sermon.
The pastor said:
"Today we're preaching about submission..."
Before he could finish, Auntie Akos shouted:
"Yes! Preach it, Pastor! Some of these girls don't even submit to common gas cooker!"
I tried to vanish into my seat.
But the ultimate embarrassment came during the announcement segment.
The pastor asked:
"Do we have any first-time visitors?"
Auntie Akos stood up, raised both hands like a proud contestant on Ghana's Most Beautiful and said:
"Yes ooo! I came to visit my hardworking, single nephew — SAMUEL. He's very nice and needs a serious Christian wife. You can see me after service!"
Jesus.
Holy Spirit.
Michael and all the angels.
Rapture, where are you?
Every lady in the church turned to stare at me like I was on auction.
After church, one deaconess walked past me and whispered:
"Be strong in the Lord, brother."
When we got home, Auntie Akos looked pleased.
"Today was fruitful. That fair girl in ushering — she looked wife-worthy. But her heels were too high. We'll work on that."
End of Chapter 22