Pretty Bird - Chapter 7
It's been five years since the last time I saw you, Ell.
Five years since I made the choice to disappear quietly from your life.
That day... there was no goodbye.
No farewell words. Just silence.
You were sleeping peacefully, and I—coward that I am—chose not to wake you.
You didn't do anything wrong. You never did.
It was me. I was the one who was scared.
I was scared that if I looked into your eyes, I wouldn't be able to leave.
That if you asked me why, I'd cry, regret it, and... end up staying.
What I should've done was be honest.
But how could I be honest, when I didn't even want to hear the truth from my own feelings?
I remember the time you were really sick—fever hit 39°C.
I was panicking like a headless chicken, running around the house.
Googling how to make porridge, searching for paracetamol at a nearby store,
soaking your shirt in warm water to make a compress.
You said, "I don't want to go to the doctor," and I listened,
even though inside I was terrified.
But that night, you still managed to sleep.
You were soft like jelly, making weird little noises like "mmhh…" and "hahhh…"
that made my chest ache.
You were sick for three days.
And for three days, I played nurse using nothing but Wi-Fi and blind courage.
But you got better.
And when you smiled and said, "Thanks for taking care of me. I used to be sick all alone,"
all I could say was, "Mmm."
When what I really wanted to do… was hug you.
And after those nights... we went back to our little routine:
Cooking together, eating together, watching horror movies—
even though you were always scared but insisted on watching anyway.
"Don't look, Ell," I said, covering your eyes.
"I'm not looking at the screen. I'm looking at you."
Thump.
You hugged me from the side.
I wasn't sure if my heart was pounding from the movie… or from you.
But even five years later, I still remember how warm you felt.
We started sleeping closer, too.
You always snuggled up next to me.
Sometimes I'd end up teetering on the edge of the bed,
afraid of falling off—but more afraid of moving away from you.
I remember that one time you walked in on me in the bathroom
because you didn't know I was in there.
You froze.
Turned around.
Closed the door.
Vanished.
And your expression—god, priceless.
I still laugh when I think about it.
We were awkward for two days, but as usual, you came back like nothing happened.
That's one of the things I'm most grateful for:
You never made me feel wrong, even when I doubted myself the most.
Ell...
I left because of one thing: principle.
Because I didn't want to go astray.
Because if I stayed with you any longer, I knew—I just knew—
I'd fall, completely.
And I was terrified.
Maybe you hate me now.
Maybe you looked for me back then,
waited for news, waited for me to come back.
Or maybe you've moved on. Forgotten me.
And that's your right.
But you need to know:
I never really left you—not in my mind.
For five years, I've worked like a machine.
Overtime, study, trading, stuffing my brain full of books and numbers.
But no matter how busy I kept myself… it was still empty.
Because you weren't there.
I've never opened my heart to anyone else.
Not because I'm loyal or dramatic,
but because every time I see someone new, my brain whispers,
"Ah… but Ell was prettier."
And then I stop.
And sit in silence.
And ask myself again, "What's wrong with me?"
On my desk, there's still your bunny plushie.
The one I took with me when I left—without asking.
Sorry, Ell.
But I needed something to hold when I missed you.
That bunny reminds me you were real.
That all of it actually happened.
I'm not writing this because I want to go back.
I'm writing this to let it all out.
To say thank you for being my home.
You were the only light I had when I was at my darkest.
I'm writing this so you'll know…
you were once the most special person in my life.
Without you, I probably would've died of malnutrition…
or been eaten alive by mosquitoes.
I'm not asking you to understand.
I'm not asking you to forgive me.
I just want you to be happy.
So if one day, somehow, you find this story,
please don't cry.
Just smile.
Because I, wherever I am in this world,
will always be wishing you well.
From the one you hugged during horror movies,
The one who fed you porridge,
The one who made you mad for forgetting to lock the bathroom door,
And the one who can only say this now:
"I miss you, Ell. And I hope you're happy."
From: d
"Pretty Bird" - The End.