Today is the day!
Today is going to be perfect. I rehearse it a hundred times in my head. From the moment he walks through the rooftop door, to the exact second I look into his eyes and tell him how I feel.
My heart pounds softly in my chest, and I can't help but feel nervous. After keeping my feelings in my heart for the last sixteen years, I'm finally going to confess my love to my first crush... my childhood friend, Tang Shixiu.
I look at myself in the mirror, adjusting the soft silk of my red dress. Hehe, it's his favorite color. I gotta make sure this day is special. I'll keep my hair open—he likes it this way, after all.
Hehe, I'm ready, and so are the arrangements I planned. Rooftop with a night sky view—and luckily, it's a full moon today. Fairy lights—not too bright, just enough for only us two to see each other, no one else.
Speakers are ready too. I gave the restaurant manager his favorite playlist—it will set the mood right! Ughh... just this all took half of my savings, but it's fine.
"Uhm, excuse me," I call out to the manager.
"Yes, ma'am!"
"Is everything ready like I asked it to be?" I ask.
"Yes, ma'am. As you said, every dish is prepared—grilled chicken wings, mashed potatoes with garlic butter, and warm brownies for dessert."
Ahh, perfect. Everything of his liking, hehe.
"Good. And what about that wine I asked?"
"Oh yes, ma'am. We did pre-order it three days ago, and it did arrive this morning, so please do not worry. Your plan to make your day special is our responsibility," the manager says as he leaves down.
I even got his favorite wine—the imported brand he only drinks once during a celebration. It costs more than I can afford, but I want everything to be right.
I got everything ready.
And in my clutch bag... a small silver ring. Not an engagement ring, of course. But something cute, symbolic. A promise. A "Hey, I like you more than anything in this world, and I want to be with you" kind of ring.
I look at myself one last time.
He will say yes, I think. He has to. After all, we made love just last week. Or... was it just a drunk mistake to him?
No—no, he held me like I was his world. He wouldn't fake that. Right?
After teasing and treating me like his punching bag and never even saying I'm cute, last week he held me like I was his world. He said he feels attracted to me from the very start, hehe~
My cheeks flush just remembering it. It happened after that wild party at Mei's place. Everyone left half-passed out, but we both were just watching stupid videos on his phone.
Then he finally made his move—his lips met mine, his hand held me rough yet so possessively, firm like he didn't want me to slip away, like he wanted to hold me forever. I waited for that moment forever.
Maybe he finally sees me as a woman. Finally, he sees me as more than just a childhood friend.
Phew... ahh, my cheeks are getting red just by remembering all the things we did. He will come here any moment. I have got red roses ready. Once he comes up to the rooftop and opens the door, I'll give him. Right. Perfect.
I wait on the rooftop with flowers. My heart can't stop beating louder. Ahh, my hands are getting sweaty from nervousness. Gosh, why am I getting all nervous now?
Then the door opens slightly. Footsteps approach. Ahh, he is here... He looks... perfect. Casual hoodie, messy hair, his usual relaxed smile.
"Whoa," he says, looking around. "You arranged all this?"
I smile shyly. "Yeah, it's all for you."
He chuckles. "Whoa, seriously? You booked the whole rooftop for us two?"
I give him roses and smile. "Yes, it's only for us two."
Ughh, my cheeks are getting red before it even starts.
He takes the flowers and inhales their fragrance. "Wow, Ling, you went all out for it, huh? What's the special occasion? Don't tell me you and your nerd researchers finally found it."
I hold his hoodie sleeves and get him to the chair as he sits down.
I sit across from him. "No, dummy," we didn't, "but we will."
Gruhh, what am I doing? No dummy, no dummy today. It's a special day!
The waiter comes onto the rooftop with a wine bottle, pouring it into two glasses and putting the bottle on the table. Before leaving, I nod at him, and as he leaves, the song plays in the background.
Shixiu looks surprised, looking around. "Wow, even the songs we used to listen to together?"
I take a deep breath. Okay, it's now or never.
"I wanted tonight to be special," I say softly.
He smiles, sipping the wine. "You're always doing sweet stuff."
"Not just sweet," I say, standing up. I walk to his side, reaching into my bag for the little box. I kneel. His eyes widen.
"Yunhua, what are you—?"
"I love you, Shixiu," I say, my heart pounding so loud I swear he can hear it.
"I've loved you since we were kids. When everything seemed like it was going to fall apart after I lost my parents. your family look after me. You took care of me. You were always there—teasing me, laughing with me, never making me feel alone."
A tear rolls down my face, but I continue smiling.
"Each time you smiled at me, I fell a little more in love with you." I open the tiny velvet box, showing the plain silver ring within.
Nothing fancy. Something from the heart. "You are my home, Shixiu," I whisper. "You're where I feel safe. Where I feel like I belong."
My hands are shaking as I hold the box out to him.
"I don't have much to give. Just this heart—this hopelessly in love heart. I want to start a family with you. a family of our own. I want us to make new memories, not just the old ones we keep."
I take in a trembling breath, forcing myself to look at him.
"Will you spend the rest of your life with me, Shixiu? Will you be with me. not as my friend, but as everything?"
"I know that this is not some kind of grand proposal, but I needed to offer you something that's real. My heart."
For a second, he says nothing. Just stares at me.
Then he stands up, hands stuffed into his pockets. He isn't smiling.
"Ling... I'm really sorry. I didn't mean to give you the wrong idea."
My smile fades. "What do you mean, Tang?"
"I didn't think you'd take that night seriously. We were drunk. It was a... a silly mistake."
My heart almost stops at his words. What is he saying?
"A mistake?" I whisper. "So you... you didn't mean any of it?"
He looks away. "You're like family to me, Ling. I never saw you that way. I care about you, but... you're not my type."
Not his type?
Then why? What was that? What happened between us was just a mistake? Iwant to ask, but my words don't even form.
He takes a step back, his expression uncomfortable. "I didn't want to hurt you."
Too late to say that.
I stand up slowly, not even bothering to hide the tears running down my face. I pick up the ring box, close it, and turn away.
"Thanks for being honest," I say, voice flat.
I look down, as I go down, hiding my eyes from the manager and staff. What face am I supposed to show them?
I acted all excited like I'm going to ask my boyfriend for marriage and all... made so many preparations for the last five days, pre-booked the whole rooftop—for what? Just to get rejected in the first five minutes!
I walk out of the restaurant.
I walk aimlessly, tears falling down my cheeks, ruining my makeup. People stare at me as they pass by—a girl, all dressed up in a red dress, crying like this! I just want to disappear.
I tighten my grip on my clutch bag and walk faster on the sidewalk, my heels making it even harder.
and I don't even notice that I have been walking for hours, unknowingly coming here to the bridge.
I cry as I stand on the bridge, wiping my tears. The bridge lights are almost dim. It's already past 11:45. I walked without thinking.
I stare at the water under the bridge in the dark, yet a blurry reflection of mine.
What does he mean by "I'm not his type"? Then why did he say that night that he finds me attractive? Why did he act all dumb when he saw all the arrangements I made?
My tears run down my cheeks, dropping into the flowing river under the bridge. No one is here to listen to me cry.
I sob quietly, hugging myself against the cold night air.
He knew all this time, right? He knew, I know it! He has always been aware that I'm head over heels for him.
I sniffle, wiping my eyes harshly with the back of my hand.
Everything—I always did everything to his liking, and he knew it too. There is no way he didn't know all I did was for him.
I kept my hair long because he liked it. Stayed slim, smart, everything he ever said he admired—like I was building myself to match his wishlist.
And he knew it. He had to.
I let out a broken sob, feeling my chest tighten painfully.
I chased stars because he once said he liked space.
So I studied radio astronomy—even when the tuition nearly drowned me. I earned scholarships, pulled all-nighters, clawed my way through just to impress one boy who probably forgot he even said it.
I got a degree. A real one. I work at the National Space Research Organization now.
And when he said biology seemed cool? That it's something he'd like to explore someday?
I was already working full-time in radio astronomy, but I still went back to study biological engineering.
Night classes. Flashcards in the break room. Exams right after twelve-hour shifts.
Just so maybe, one day, I could say, "Look, we share this too."
I didn't need a second degree. I needed a reason to stay in his orbit.
I should've felt proud. Settled. Accomplished.
But none of it mattered—not if it didn't bring me closer to him.
I wasted my whole childhood... my twenties... and how could I not? He also stayed unmarried all this time. How was I not supposed to get the wrong idea?
I clutch my clutch bag tighter, sobbing openly now.
Ugh... My half life, I wasted it for someone whose type I'm not? Haha, jokes on me. I wasted my youth. My world revolved around him and now...
I'm just a woman at 27, with no parents, no family, no love. Just Ling Yunhua.
I sob as I slowly climb onto the railing of the bridge, my hands gripping the cold metal tightly. The river below looks so far... yet so close.
Maybe... the world is better without me?
I look up at the stars, blinking through my tears.
Ahh... all I ever wanted was for someone to love me.
Just once.