I dreaded the beginning of this school year. I didn't want to go, but my mom said I had no choice. Before walking downstairs, I put on the biggest hoodie I could find and a pair of jeans.
"Good morning," my mother said while making breakfast.
"Definitely one of those mornings," I said under my breath, sitting at the counter and sighing.
Mom glared at me like I had just insulted her ancestor.
"Is it that bad?" she asked, rolling her eyes and looking away.
I ignored her, grabbed my school stuff, and walked to the door.
"Not like you're going to listen if I try to explain." I opened the door, stepped outside, and quietly shut it behind me.
All I could think about was him and the way we laughed together on the way to school about the dumbest stuff. He always seemed happy…
It was weird that day when they shut his casket. I could still hear the echoes of his laughter in my mind—a haunting reminder of what I'd lost. As I stepped into the crisp morning air, I was overwhelmed by the weight of unspoken words and unfinished moments, realizing just how much I had taken for granted. It felt like someone had turned off the light in my world. He was the only person who ever made me feel at home, and now he was gone.
I snapped out of my thoughts when I heard my friends call my name as I walked up to the school.
"Hey," I said, forcing myself to smile even though I knew it wouldn't hide the bags under my eyes or my pale skin and exhausted body.
"You alright?" Amy asked, concern written all over her face.
"I'm fine," I replied a little too quickly, brushing off her worry. But deep down, the weight of my sadness pressed down on me, making it hard to keep up the façade.
"You look like a ghost," Jackson, Amy's boyfriend, said, wrapping his arms around her waist.
"Thanks, Jackson." I slipped past them and entered the school, pulling out my schedule as I walked down the hall—then promptly bumped into someone.
"Oh, sorry," I said numbly, mentally kicking myself for not paying attention.
"Watch where you're going, freak," the tall guy muttered, walking away.
I wanted to break down right there as I watched him leave.
"Sorry…" I whispered, even though he was already gone.
I took a deep breath, trying to shake off the embarrassment that clung to me like my hoodie, now pressed tight against my skin. I adjusted it quickly and continued down the hall, reminding myself that I just needed to get through the day—focus on my classes and blend into the background.
I got to class and sat in the corner, away from everyone, just as the same guy walked in with a group of guys, his arm wrapped around two girls. I wasn't sure why, but it made my stomach churn.
"Okay, class," the teacher said, drawing everyone's attention. "We will have a seating arrangement."
My leg bounced as I watched her assign seats.
"Emma, right here," she said, pointing to the back corner next to the wall—at the same desk as the tall guy.
"This day couldn't get any worse," I whispered to myself as I sat down beside him. I immediately rested my face in my crossed arms on the desk, my legs shaking.
"Could you stop, please? It's already annoying," he said. I caught his name—Kyle—from his notebook.
I crossed my legs, forcing them still, and didn't respond.
"Do you even talk?" he asked, poking me slightly.
I flinched away from his touch.
"Wow, I didn't know you were that sensitive," he snickered.
I stayed buried in my arms, blinking back tears. Thankfully, he left me alone before class ended.
It seemed like in every class, I somehow ended up near Kyle. Smith wouldn't have put up with this. He was always protective of me. Even when we were just strolling through the park, he liked to keep me within arm's reach. He always said it was "just in case," but I always felt safe with him.
At lunch, I grabbed a small juice left over from breakfast and sat with my friends.
"Hey," Lilly said as I sat across from her. Dominic, Amy, and Jackson joined us.
They were the closest thing I had to Smith. Sometimes it hurt just to look at them. All I could think about was how close we all used to be—late-night snack runs, midnight swims. I missed it, but I didn't think I could ever do it again. It wouldn't feel the same.
"Are you okay, Emma? You seem quiet," Lilly said.
I looked at her with tired eyes. "I'm fine, thanks."
I felt cold—not physically, but somewhere deeper.
I jumped when a large pair of hands grabbed my shoulders.
"Well, if it isn't the trigger."
It felt like a punch to the gut as Kyle squeezed my shoulders.
"What are you talking about?" I said, even though I knew exactly what he meant—because being "his trigger" was all I'd felt like ever since Smith died.
"Fuck off, Kyle," Amy snapped, glaring at him.
Kyle leaned in and whispered in my ear. "Poor little Smith couldn't even handle you."
He chuckled and walked away.
I wanted to scream after him, to tell him it wasn't my fault—but every part of me believed what he said. I sank deeper into my seat as the weight of his words pressed down on me. Laughter filled the cafeteria, but all I could hear was the silence Smith had left behind.
I grabbed my things and stood.
"Wait—" Amy started.
I was already gone, running down the hall toward the library.
No one was ever in the library. It was the place Smith and I always escaped to, away from the noise of the school.
I collapsed in the corner, sliding down the wall as tears spilled out. I tried so hard to keep myself together. I told everyone I was fine—but in reality, I felt the same way Smith had felt. I had too many people relying on me to pull the same stunt he did, but I was still so close to giving up.
I sobbed into my arms until I heard the door creak open.
Kyle appeared from behind the shelves.
"Wow," he said, crossing his arms and smirking. "The little freak can't even handle simple teasing."
"Go away, Kyle," I said, wiping my eyes as if that would hide anything.
"Life sucks, doesn't it? Especially when you make your best friend kill himself. That's a hard pill to swallow, huh?"
"You don't know what happened!" I snapped, finally breaking. "You weren't there!"
My chest tightened as panic set in, words failing me.
"He hated you…" I whispered.
Kyle's expression faltered—unreadable.
"I—" he started.
"Go away! Just leave me alone!" I yelled.
He rolled his eyes and walked out. "Whatever."
I stayed there until my breathing slowed, then went to the bathroom and splashed cold water on my face.
By the time the day ended, I was exhausted. I went straight home, slammed my bedroom door, and drowned out my brother's yelling with headphones. I lay on my bed, wishing I could forget everything—wishing I could move schools and never go back.
"It wasn't my fault," I whispered to myself.
I fell asleep, only to wake hours later to my phone buzzing.
"Hey, girl…" Amy said softly.
"Hi."
"Please don't let him get to you. Kyle—I mean, he's just a douchebag looking for attention."
I sighed. "I miss him."
"Me too…"
"It isn't fair!" I cried, punching my pillow.
"It isn't fair," I whispered.
"I know," Amy said gently. "We can't fix it. You two were inseparable."
"I'd give everything to have him back."
We stayed on the phone in silence until we both fell asleep.
Today felt real.
The one person who held everyone together was gone.