Chapter 2: "When Your Tour Guide Is a Devoted Cultist and You Just Wanted Lunch"
Naruto Uzumaki had fought wild boars, gardened through acid rain, and once stared down a thunderstorm just to save his spinach.
But traveling with a girl who was definitely fantasizing about being his snack?
That was a new kind of stress.
The journey to the nearest city was long—like, blisters-on-blisters long—but for once, it wasn't dangerous. No monster ambushes. No random explosions. Just birds chirping, wind whistling, and one very small, very sparkly-eyed girl perched on his shoulder like a worshipful parrot.
"You must have fought many wild beasts," Konan said, staring at him like he personally invented photosynthesis.
"Well," Naruto muttered, rubbing the back of his neck, "I once chased off a crow from my cabbages. It was pretty intense."
She gasped. GASPED. Like he'd just confessed to slaying a dragon using a soup ladle.
"Uzumaki-sama... such bravery. Such compassion for life. I cannot take this anymore." She clutched her chest.
Naruto glanced at her nervously. "You okay?"
"I'm just overwhelmed," she whispered. "By your divine aura. And possibly dehydration."
Naruto looked down the path. Still no sign of civilization. Just endless grass, sky, and one dangerously romantic sidekick.
He sighed.
"This is fine. I'm fine. I'm just walking across a post-apocalyptic world with a monster groupie who thinks my tomato gardening is a war story."
But despite the weirdness, Naruto had to admit… it was kind of nice.
Konan was a good listener. Every time he talked about crop rotation or how to keep carrots from getting bitter, she'd nod like she was hearing the secrets of the universe.
Even if her eyes were literally heart-shaped half the time.
Naruto wasn't clueless. He'd seen that look before. Back when squirrels used to stare at his peaches.
Still, he did what any responsible adult would do when faced with a walking delusion powered by love and monster lore:
He ignored it.
Hard.
Every time she said "Uzumaki-sama," he tuned it out like background noise.
Every time she sighed dreamily and whispered, "Your biceps remind me of thunderclouds," he focused on the clouds instead.
At one point she tripped—purely to fall into his arms—and he caught her like a sack of potatoes.
She blushed. He panicked.
"Please don't sacrifice yourself again," he begged.
"I would never do that," she said innocently. "Not without your permission."
Naruto screamed internally.
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Naruto Uzumaki had seen a lot of weird things lately.
He'd been mistaken for a immortal. Offered human sacrifices. Accidentally adopted a deeply unhinged blonde with an affection for the dramatic. But nothing—nothing—could've prepared him for City Z.
More specifically, the part of City Z that looked like it had been abandoned by both the living and basic hygiene standards.
"This... is a lovely place," Naruto said, squinting at a collapsed building leaking suspicious green slime. "Very... rustic. Good ventilation."
"It's the sacred monster quarter," Konan said proudly, riding on his shoulder like some kind of victorious general introducing her emperor to conquered territory. "All of this, Uzumaki-sama, shall be your royal pantry."
"...Pantry?" Naruto blinked.
She gestured dramatically to a cracked wall that had the word RUN scrawled on it in what he really hoped was red paint. "Yes! The bones, the blood, the destruction—it's all proof of your greatness! The monsters trembled and fled, leaving their homes behind. The zone is yours now."
Naruto squinted at the silence. Empty streets. Dusty windows. The faint smell of barbecue that had gone horribly, horribly wrong.
This is fine, he told himself. Just a spooky ghost town with a cult member for company. Totally fine.
"Where are the people?" he asked finally, tiptoeing over a suspicious pile of bones that may or may not have had a nametag once.
Konan swooned beside his ear. "Half an hour from here, my lord. The human zone lies just beyond. I thought, perhaps, you'd like to... dine... before being forced to mingle with mortals."
Naruto stopped walking.
Closed his eyes.
Counted to five.
This girl is going to get me killed one day, he thought, as a random crow cawed like it agreed with him.
"I'm famished," he said aloud, voice totally calm. "So let's go to the human zone."
Internally? His soul was breakdancing from terror.
Konan gasped with joy. "Ah! Your hunger awakens. Your aura trembles with divine bloodlust!"
Naruto was just... trembling. Period.
Konan, of course, mistook this as a sign of celestial power being contained by sheer divine will.
This is why sarcasm should be taught in schools, Naruto thought as they continued toward the city's inner zones. She sees "nervous breakdown" and thinks it's "immortal-tier appetite."
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The early evening in City Z was, for lack of a better word, unsettling.
The broken remains of abandoned buildings watched like silent sentinels, windows cracked and empty, streets shadowed in eerie quiet. But the real problem wasn't the ghosts of concrete and steel. It was the sudden, collective hunger of monsters that had been living far too long without a decent buffet.
Unluckily for Naruto Uzumaki, he smelled delicious.
The scent of fresh, high-quality meat wafted through the broken city like the aroma of roasted lamb in a winter feast. But it wasn't Naruto's fault, really. His body, built like a fortress and radiating unknowable energy, had the kind of aura that screamed "eat me" to every predator with more teeth than manners.
And so, they came.
Out of the depths of the Elroe Dungeon — a sprawling undercity nest so vile it made spiders look like cuddly pets — slithered and clattered and stomped a parade of monstrosities.
The first to emerge was a colossal serpent, long as a train and gleaming with obsidian scales, eyes redder than a blood moon. The Elroe Baladorado. A Tiger-level threat with fangs that could kill in seconds and breath that could probably melt an iron door.
Behind it came a nightmare with blades for arms, eyes like green fire, and a body like an armoured insect. Elroe Greshigard, a mantis that moved faster than common sense and liked slicing things just to hear the sound.
Then came the ogre — red-skinned, seven feet tall, and built like a disgruntled mountain with a club problem.
And finally, descending from the rooftops on silk threads, her legs clicking rhythmically, came the Greater Taratect. A spider as large as a carriage, sleek and wicked-looking, her dark chitin shimmered under the dim light. Her multiple eyes gleamed with intelligence and appetite, and her long, bladed limbs twitched with anticipation.
Trailing behind her was a small army of mini-Taratects, scampering like evil teacups.
They surrounded Naruto and Konan in a silent circle.
"Well," Naruto muttered, eyes darting left and right as his knees nearly gave out, "this escalated rather quickly."
The Greater Taratect's voice was like cracked glass and honey. "I will take half. The rest is yours."
None of the lesser monsters dared object. They didn't want to be her dinner too.
Naruto felt a distinct chill that had nothing to do with the wind. Was this how it ended? Surrounded by flesh-eating nightmares because he picked up a cultist? He shot a side glance at Konan. She was... smiling.
That was never a good sign.
She stepped down from his shoulder, eyes gleaming with adoration.
'She's not worried at all… is that admiration in her eyes? Stars? Seriously?' Naruto thought miserably.
"This human is quite large," the mantis observed.
"Yeah, what did he eat to get this big?"
"Bigger the better for all of us."
"I want the girl. No need to share the male."
Naruto paled.
Konan's expression snapped. A second later, she was glowing with fury and blind devotion.
"You insects dare insult Lord Uzumaki?" she cried, arms outstretched as if she were presenting the messiah. "This is Uzumaki-sama, the Lord of Destruction! Bow down and surrender your pathetic lives!"
She gestured dramatically toward Naruto. Naruto looked behind him. Just to be sure.
'She must be talking about someone else,' he thought. 'Lord of what? I barely made a fire last night!'
Unfortunately, the monsters weren't exactly literate in ancient legends. Their education level could be summed up as "stab first, ask never."
"He does look scary... maybe—"
"Scram, coward!" snapped the Taratect, slapping the mantis aside with one bladed leg. "Attack! We'll test his greatness the old-fashioned way."
Konan gasped with pure joy. "It's time, my Lord!"
Naruto wanted to cry.
What do I do? Run? Die? Die while running?
But then he looked at Konan. She stood bravely, proud, convinced that her "Uzumaki-sama" would obliterate the enemy like sneezing on a flower. Her faith—however delusional—was unshakable.
Naruto swallowed hard. His hands were trembling. His legs felt like pudding. And yet... he stood.
"If I die, I die bravely," he muttered to himself. Then, louder:
"DIE, FILTHY DEMONS!"
He roared with all the strength of a hundred years of pent-up anxiety—and closed his eyes.
The world exploded.
Screeches, shrieks, blasts of air and pressure and something filled the space. Blood and limbs scattered like confetti. Buildings cracked. The road ruptured. The monsters were torn apart by some invisible force, like paper tossed into a hurricane.
When Naruto opened his eyes...
The battlefield was empty.
The spider queen was gone. The mantis? Bits of it were stuck to a wall. The ogre had fled into the underground. And the snake? Well... nobody missed the snake.
Konan clung to his leg, eyes full of tears and stars.
"How majestic," she whispered. "Such power. Such terror. My Lord!"
Naruto blinked.
'What just happened?'
He didn't even feel like he'd done anything.
Which was accurate.
Because at that moment, far down the street, a bald man in a white cape stood holding a shopping bag of discounted eggs.
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Naruto had seen a lot in the last few hours.
Terrifying monsters. A girl trying to offer herself up like a grilled sausage. And now—humans. Tiny humans.
He blinked down at the crowd of people who were either frozen in fear or fleeing like frightened mice. Sirens blared somewhere in the distance, and a line of police had formed around him with the shaky coordination of underpaid guards at a wizarding tournament.
Naruto didn't understand what the fuss was about. Yes, he was tall—enormous, even—but it wasn't like he was stomping buildings or roaring about domination.
At least not today.
"Why are the people so small?" he asked, frowning as he tiptoed around a vendor cart that someone had dropped mid-panic.
Konan, cheerfully perched beside him like a loyal familiar, answered without missing a beat. "Humans are smaller now, Uzumaki-sama. In the ancient times, they were as grand as mountains! But over the centuries, they shrank. Now they live shorter lives, too. Sixty to a hundred years at most."
Naruto processed that.
Then squinted down at Konan.
Wait a minute…
"You said you're 25?"
She beamed. "Yes!"
She's an adult, Naruto realized. I can get rid of her now!
That hopeful spark had barely formed when a voice interrupted like a poorly timed spell in Potions class.
"Monster, seize your terror—or I shall vanquish you for the sake of justice!"
Naruto turned. Approaching like a knight on a trusty steed—except the steed was a battered bicycle—was a young man in brown armour and a cape that flapped valiantly in the wind. It was none other than Mumen Rider, the Hero Association's most dependable D-Rank hero and certified danger magnet.
Naruto sighed. "Kid, I'm human. I just... have a big body. You can take my blood and check if you don't believe me."
Mumen Rider slowed his bicycle and narrowed his eyes. He studied Naruto's face, his posture, the sincerity in his voice, and most importantly—his lack of monster goo or screaming.
"I see…" Mumen Rider finally said. "Apologies. It seems I was mistaken."
He pulled out his communicator and calmly contacted HQ to cancel the panic. "Suspected monster is human. Repeat—just really, really large."
Naruto stared at the kid. His armor looked like it had been bought at a second-hand store. His arms trembled. But there was no fear in his eyes—only determination.
"You weren't scared of me?" Naruto asked.
"I was," Mumen said honestly. "But someone's got to stand between danger and the people. Even if it means getting flattened."
Naruto blinked. "That's... that's actually impressive."
He gently patted Mumen's head. The boy wobbled under the pressure.
He's brave, this one, Naruto thought. And totally insane.
"That was a low-level hero," Konan chimed. "Would you like to meet more?"
"Sure—"
"If you destroy about 100 miles of property, the strongest ones will appear."
Naruto gave her a look.
"I'm good."
He gently set her down, trying to form the words that would send her home without triggering another theatrical suicide attempt.
"You should head back home."
Konan's smile vanished as though someone had hexed it clean off.
"Uzumaki-sama… are you abandoning me?"
"No, no!" Naruto said quickly. "I just think you deserve better than following a homeless man around."
Konan trembled. "Am I that repulsive? Then let me just disappear—"
She dramatically pulled out a dagger. Naruto caught her arm with a sigh.
"Fine. You can come with me."
She instantly transformed into a human-sized koala and latched onto his arm.
"I love you so much, Uzumaki-sama!"
Naruto coughed awkwardly. "Right…"
Truth was, he was flattered. Konan was pretty. Too pretty. The kind of girl who could cause accidents by blinking. But her devotion was a lot, and Naruto wasn't sure if he was the immortal she thought he was or just a glorified turnip farmer.
He looked around the human city. People were still watching from behind shop windows and rooftops. One was filming on a phone. Another dropped their ice cream in slow motion.
'I'm homeless, probably classified as a mutant, and I have no skills beyond growing vegetables and running from danger,' he thought. 'But… I do have a strong body.'
That's when his eyes landed on a giant billboard: "Be a Hero! Earn Fame, Money, and Respect!"
Money.
He was hungry.
This was destiny.
"I'm ashamed of myself," Naruto mumbled, remembering Mumen Rider's courage.
He straightened his spine. "Konan, where's the Hero Association office?"
"Two streets down, third building on the left," she chirped. "They'll love you!"
"I hope not too much."
And so, with one determined step and a girl clinging to his arm like a barnacle, Naruto marched toward his future as a registered hero. The giant and the cultist. The humble farmer and the mistaken immortal.
He didn't know if he'd survive the paperwork.
But at least it would come with lunch.