Fuck, Fuck, Fuck, Fuck!
He was unlucky, from the moment he decided to walk alone in life, he found out he was unlucky. Even in this second life, his goal wasn't to slay the demon king and get a harem but how to recover from the hospital and earn money to not starve to death.
No money, no parents, no memories, not bitches - forget the last part.
Point is, he was facing a lot of unfortunate things since he came here but this gotta be the unluckiest of them all.
Staring at the dismembered girl in his feet, Diego was in daze, he could already see the cold cell and news with his face in it.
"Diego Seijuro just murdered a young girl." The headlights will probably be something along those lines.
"Father in heaven, I hope you forgive me." Diego clasped his hands together and muttered a prayer.
It's over, he failed the first month of isekai.
He didn't know how he did it but he was sure, it was him who killed this girl. This girl must be a beautiful young girl with a family waiting for her but here she was, sliced apart into an unrecognizable pile of meat.
If he didn't detect the chest area, Diego wouldn't recognize she was a girl at all, that's how bad her state was.
Looking at the girl in front of him, Diego's mind ran rapidly and he ran back to his car at the speed he didn't know he had, drived back to the cemetery not before checking if someone was following him.
After making sure the coast is clear, he grabbed a suitcase and dragged it into the dismembered girl's location before stuffing her body one by one skillfully, leaving only the blood in the ground. His mind was all blanked out while doing this.
Once he finished, he skillfully put the suitcase in the trunk and drove not to the Emiya Residence to park the car but straight to the Almighty Exorcist Office, with his speed, he would have been caught by authorities if the street wasn't so empty in this side of town.
He checked the area again and once he saw that there were no people around, he opened the door, grabbed the suitcase and went inside before closing and locking it again.
After closing the door, Diego froze and turn his head back to look at the suitcase with some difficulty, "Fuck, Fuck, Fuck Fuck!"
What the hell did he just do?! Did he just stuffed someone inside like a serial killer?
He opened the suitcase and saw the horrible figure of the girl and her eye was also looking at his face? Must be his imagination due to guilt.
He closed it again and went to his desk, ready to write a will on how to turn himself in.
"Dear Police, I'm turning myself in due to murder…" Diego started writing his will, not noticing that a hand was slowly opening the suitcase he just left.
"The girl must have some family, I need to take care of that too." Diego gritted his teeth.
"What are you doing?"
"Writing a will."
"Why?"
"Because I killed someone! It was an accident but it just happened, I swear!"
"Really? That's fine then."
"What do you mean fine?!" Diego turned around angrily and froze when he realized, why the hell is he talking with someone.
Slowly raising his head, he saw the blonde hair and red eyes, the features of the girl he just killed a few minutes ago.
His mouth closed and then opened, before closing again.
"...Hello?" The girl waved her hand in front of him.
Hearing this, Diego let go of the pen in his hand and passed out.
"That happened." The blonde girl put her hands on her hips before looking at her hand which was slipping away from her wrist.
"Good thing, it's night." She looked at the sleeping figure and muttered, "What to do with you."
—-
"Ugh… I just had the weirdest dream." Diego grabbed his head and groaned, he could feel the sunlight shining on his face and the stiffness of his back after sleeping on the couch.
"Was it the one where you ran into a school naked? How do you even dream of that?" Hearing a familiar but unfamiliar voice, Diego immediately sat up and turned to see a girl with short blonde hair staring at him without blinking.
"..."
"..."
Green and red eyes stared at each other before the girl raised her arms with her hands open and said, "Boo."
Diego wanted to pass out again but the girl grabbed his shoulder and started shaking him, "Don't pass out on me! I haven't even asked for compensation."
"This is not real. I'm having a nightmare, I'm probably still in the hospital, comatose. You're not real, wait, don't people from dreams react negatively when you say they are not real?" Diego was muttering nonsense, ignoring the girl who was shaking him.
"I said, calm down." The girl became annoyed and her eyes turned golden, staring directly into his eyes.
Once their eyes went in contact, only then did Diego calmed down and touched her face, making her dumbfounded. After doing so, he put his hands down, grabbed a blanket somewhere and went back to sleeping on the couch.
This action made the girl kick the couch and angrily asked, "Why are you sleeping again?!"
"Please let me be for a while, I just experienced the greatest false alarm ever." Then he fell asleep.
Seeing him fall asleep so fast, the blonde girl stomped her foot and wanted to throw this guy away outside but reason prevailed, so she waited.
—-
"Hey, I already let you fall asleep earlier but you're ignoring me?" The blonde girl was following him like a lost dog, constantly talking to him.
While Diego? He wanted to eat something, honestly, he still can't believe that someone he killed is here talking to him like nothing happened. It wasn't like it's just a stab too, it's a full blown dismemberment that would put serial killers into shame yet here she was, smiling.
People are looking at him, especially with a beautiful girl constantly tailing him while trying to get his attention.
"Scumbag."
"It's probably his girlfriend who he cheated on."
"She's so beautiful, how can you do that to her?"
They are just whispering but for some reason, Diego can hear the contents loud and clear.
It came to the point that he couldn't take the noise anymore and started running away.
"Hey, wait!"
The blonde girl was startled by his reaction and immediately followed.
Diego ran and ran, until he reached an alleyway. Noticing that no one was following him, he took a deep breath and put his back on the wall, sliding as he did.
"Fuck, I wish I was drunk at this moment."
Not long after, he heard footsteps.
The girl he killed approached him slowly. Her footsteps echoed in the alley.
The girl in white walked towards him with a light step while smiling. Her golden hair shone like sunlight. She looked down at him with a satisfied look, as if she was happy to see him.
"Hey, do you feel sorry for killing me?" The blonde asked in a gentle voice, giving him a big carefree smile. Her naive crimson eyes twinkled with mirth. "If you do, I'll forgive you."
Diego looked at her face, she was still smiling as if the victim wasn't hers. After thinking, he stood up and said, "I do actually, even if it was an accident."
Her face lit up in response. She looked at him with a bright smile, as if she'd heard something wonderful. "Really? Do you feel sorry? That's a relief!"
"..." Diego was speechless by her enthusiasm.
She closed her eyes, as if she was thinking of something. Her face held a thoughtful expression. A moment later, she opened her eyes and looked at him with a smile. "Hey... You're a good person, right?"
"I killed you so I wouldn't say that." Diego took a deep breath and replied, still trying to process what she wanted to say.
"But you regret it, don't you?" Her tone was gentle and her face free of blame. She spoke to him as if it was only normal to forgive the person who killed her.
Diego gritted his teeth seeing her innocent expression, "Of course but that doesn't change anything."
"Doesn't change anything?" She looked at him, confused.
"Regret or not, I still took the life of an innocent person." He looked her directly into the eyes. He doesn't understand this girl, her reaction should be of blame or cursing him yet why is she consoling him as if she wasn't the one who was hurt.
"You really regret killing me don't you?" She sighed, with no signs of annoyance or anger.
"..."
"I can tell that you're being honest. Your eyes and face have a look to them that shows how conflicted you feel about it."
"At least be angry about it." Diego grabbed his hair, frustrated, he was okay with scolding or schemes but he had never encountered someone so.. nice.
"You want me to get angry at you?" She looked surprised upon hearing that.
"Yes! I killed you but here you are, standing and feeling sorry for me." He snapped his head to look at her but put it down again.
"Why can't I?" She asked, looking at you with sad eyes. "It's true that you caused me a lot of trouble and I died." She looked down and furrowed her brow in a look of almost concern. "You're right that I should get angry at you... but I don't want to. Why would I, when you clearly feel guilty about killing me?"
"That's…not how it works. Ignorance doesn't pardon a crime."
The girl went silent hearing that. She couldn't deny that logic which made her distressed.
"... Since you still feel guilty about it, how about I ask for compensation?" The blonde girl rubbed her chin and asked.
"Huh?" Diego looked at her with tired eyes, "You gonna kill me or something?"
It's just common sense, an eye for an eye. And for some reason, those words did not scare him as much as he imagined it to be.
"What? No, no. Why would I do that?" The girl looked baffled and shook her head, "I'm just asking if you want to be my bodyguard."
''....Hah?" Diego was wondering if this girl was mentally retarded or something. Isn't that the same as asking to be killed twice?
"Are you hearing yourself?"
"I do. So you should take responsibility." She raised her head proudly.
Looking at this silly girl, Diego felt even more guilty, by killing her, perhaps he also damaged a part of her brain that turned her mentally challenged.
"What's with that look?" She asked with an annoyed look after seeing his expression.
"Nothing." Diego shook his head, "Was that all? You do know that you could demand more like how I should kill myself or something."
"Why are you so adamant on hurting yourself?" She raised an eyebrow, "This is my decision. I want you to act as my bodyguard. And! You have to do it for as long as I told you." Her lips curled up as if she thought of something brilliant.
Diego sighed deeply. That's right, he should take responsibility, no matter how ridiculous it sounds, "Alright fine, I agree, but.."
"But?"
"But is that all? Like, you won't demand to at least break my bones?"
"W-What? No way! I already told you, just be my bodyguard. This is your punishment, to keep me safe." She scolded him angrily. What's with this guy? Is he like one of those that Merem told her? Masochist was it?
"You can't blame me, okay? This punishment is too lenient. Don't you understand how long I would be imprisoned for homicide or worse, murder?" Diego started arguing with her.
"So what? I'm the victim so it's my call what to do with my murder."
"That's not how it works!"
"It does now!"
The two glared at each other before Diego sighed, "You're too nice."
"Too nice? I don't think so. I just want you to protect me for a while." The girl seemed confused by that label.
"Okay, before all of this…." Diego gestured to her, "Can you introduce yourself?"
"Now that you mention it, I haven't told my name yet." She put her hands on her back and flashed a smile, "My name is Arcueid Brunestud, it's a mouthful so just call me Arcuied."
Looking at the girl in front of her, he wanted to groan and just run away, maybe go to Misaki Town or something but he knew that no matter how he rejects this weirdness, he's bound to be involved now.
"Diego Seijuro, an exorcist."
Arcueid was taken aback hearing that but remembering what happened last night, she put two and two together, "Exorcist? So you're an executor?"
"What?" Diego looked at her with a confused expression.
She was even more surprised when she saw his reaction. From the looks of it, he's not lying at all. Is he ignorant of the Holy Church as well?
"Nevermind." She shook her head, "So, can you tell me what kind of exorcist are you? And don't refuse, you're my bodyguard now, so I should know what kind of job you have." Her last words sound smug.
Diego pursed his lips. For some reason, he has a bad feeling about this?
—-
"That's how I do my exorcism." Diego finished his explanation. They are now back in the Almighty Exorcist Office with Arcueid sitting on the couch, looking everywhere with curiosity in her eyes. She didn't get to take a closer look due to her mind being focused on him.
"Pretending to exorcise ghosts…. So you're a charlatan?" She lifted an eyebrow after hearing his words, before a smirk formed on her face.
All she heard was, some people will call him, ask if there's a ghost, if there's not (which all of them don't) he pretends to do some rituals for their peace of mind, leaving them satisfied. That's the nice way to put it.
But to put it bluntly, it's basically scamming.
"... I prefer to call it a public servant." Diego retorted with a straight face.
"Public servant? Sure~" Arcueid rolled her eyes and said with some sarcasm.
"I have good reviews."
"Oh really? You're popular with the people you scam." The smirk never left her face.
"It's not scamming, okay? They get their peace of mind, I get paid. It's a transaction."
She laughed hearing that, it was supposed to be sweet but Diego's face couldn't help but turn dark. ""It sounds like a scam to me. You're taking money from people for something you know they don't really need..."
"But they leave happy, the therapist charges 20,000 yen per 2 hours yet their clients leave just as depressed if not worse, my fee is like 1000 yen." Diego replied with logic.
Arcueid's smirk transformed into a slight frown, as if she was trying to see the logic in his words. "I suppose that makes sense... but it's still a scam. You're taking money from people just because they think they're haunted."
"They called me to solve their problem. Exorcism or not, I got the job done."
Arcueid sighed and rolled her eyes, clearly still unconvinced. "Sure, if that's the way you see it... but I still think it's a scam. You're cashing in on people's paranoia and fear of the supernatural, and they don't even need to be exorcised in the first place."
''..."
"Oh, you don't like hearing that, huh?" Arcueid smirked at him, her arms crossed over her chest as she eyed him with a smug expression.
"Let's agree to disagree."
"Fine by me, I doubt I will agree with a scam artist anyway."
"Look, if you don't like it, that's fine. I'll find time to be your bodyguard but I need a job okay." Diego pinched the bridge of his nose.
"Why do you need to do this anyway?" Despite mocking him, Arcueid can actually tell he's legit. He did kill her after all, at night too.
That sounds incomprehensible when you think about it.
"Uh… what else? To eat? Basic necessity?" Diego looked at her as if asking "are you serious?"
"Why are you looking at me like that? It's my first time seeing such an..odd job." She glared angrily before huffing.
"Whatever. Let's discuss this bodyguard thing—!"
"No!" Arcueid interjected.
"What is this time?" He asked with exasperation.
"I want to watch your ''exorcism'', I want to be there while you're pretending."
Seeing her excited look, Diego really wanted to scream.
How the hell is he so unlucky?
---
A/N: Writing emotional scene is not for me