As she watched Harry bid a temporary farewell to the oldest Weasleys as they disappeared through the archway and down Diagon Alley, her stomach finally started to unknit from the uncomfortable situation they had stumbled into earlier. She was still preoccupied with beating herself up about everything though and her thoughts were a complete jumble.
Hermione had to stop doing this to herself. She had known what Harry's overall purpose was in talking with Luna, had known it before they'd talked to Professor McGonagall about her, so him continuing to pursue it when their first plan fell through shouldn't have surprised her. She knew how doggedly he did things when he put his mind to it.
Suddenly inviting her over for dinner had thrown her though, but it might not have been so bad if it hadn't come so soon after she had offered to kiss him. The sudden spike of fear welling up inside her like some ridiculous chest monster ready to rear up and explode out of her mouth and launch itself at the other girl wasn't something she was comfortable with and not the kind of person she wanted to be. Thankfully it hadn't happened or the situation would have been even worse.
Luna had told her that her mother had passed away but she hadn't gotten the chance to tell Harry about it in private yet. How do you tell something like that to someone without it putting a damper on everything or color how they interact with that person? Besides, with Harry no longer needing to even broach the topic of paying for Hogwarts and just going over to meet the strange girl he had heard about, Hermione hadn't thought Luna's mother would've been brought up at all, or if she was Luna would have done it herself. How was she to know it would be a key part of the question Harry had wanted to ask her father?
Mr. Lovegood's face… the way it had crumpled up the instant his wife was mentioned… That was her fault; if she had spoken to Harry beforehand it wouldn't have happened. The look of absolute heartbreak - she didn't know if she'd ever forget it. Was that what love did to you? Even when things went right between two people was that what was waiting for them in the end, that kind of dejected loneliness and despair which seemed to consume your very soul?
But perhaps that kind of visceral response was the exception rather than the rule. Maybe it was only those unlucky enough to actually find the kind of truly deep, meaningful, and abiding connection to another person that everyone strives for that would suffer such a fate. If the situation had been reversed, her own father would no doubt be depressed for quite some time - that's just how he is, he's a naturally caring person - but she didn't want to think he'd be as completely crushed as Mr. Lovegood was though. And if anything could prompt an actual emotional response from her mother she'd hope to find it short of her father dying to know whether it was actually possible.
And while Luna had been able to turn things around after a while by telling her father he was being attacked by the blibbering-humtinger again, Hermione doubted things would be so easy for herself. Harry had been rightfully distraught at bringing up such a painful topic, even going so far as to include Mr. Lovegood in his impromptu dinner invitation he'd been hoping to okay with Mrs. Weasley.
But while his concern had been wholly for their well-being, hers had been split. Of course she would have loved to be able to go to see how Harry and Luna would manage after her father's breakdown, and to be there for them if they needed it, but a large part of her had been worrying over Harry, and not for any reason Hermione had been expecting. That Marjorie girl had said she had "got it bad" when it came to Harry, but watching Mr. Lovegood break down in tears from just the mention of his late wife let her know exactly how bad it was.
When Harry had been in the hospital wing after stopping You-Kn- Voldemort from getting the Stone, she had come to realize how damaging losing Harry that way would have been for her. It would have been like her life had been mangled up. After experiencing what life was like with friends - and yes, there being a boy she kind of liked - going back to the way it had been before would have been terrible, and there would have been no way to know if she'd ever have that kind of thing again.
But that had been before. Now, after all their letters, having actually started to get to know him as something other than just friends, and experiencing the ups and downs of being together for the last two days as a perhaps-technically-official-but-still-sort-of-debatable couple, Hermione knew she'd be a complete wreck if anything happened to him. On the one hand it seemed so natural for it to happen - after all, this was Harry she was talking about - but on the other it was absolutely terrifying.
She had never thought that someone could have so much - control wasn't the right word - influence over her like that, and it was troubling, but not even realizing it was happening and desperately not wanting the source of it to go away was downright terrifying. Was it just some sense of self-preservation and urge to avoid feeling the utter devastation that would come if Harry left that had her reacting like that or was there something more?
There was certainly the possibility he might like Katie or Luna in some way she couldn't compete with, but it felt like more of an irrational fear. The last thing she needed was a green eyed monster about a green eyed boy. Looking at it logically from a distance, Harry only interacted with Katie when it came to Quidditch, and even then the parts they played had nothing to do with each other. Meanwhile he hadn't even met Luna before today, didn't know anything about her, was left just as bewildered at virtually everything that came out of the girl's mouth as she was, and had only initiated contact with her to try and rekindle her friendship with Ginny.
And not that she had intended them to, but it seemed to Hermione that all of her actions thus far had expressed an obvious interest in Harry; an interest he was no doubt aware of. Not only had she told him in writing and received the same in return but his actions clearly said he reciprocated as well, so why was she reacting like this when it came to other girls?
Their potential suitability for a romantic partnership seemed to be the last thing on Harry's mind, if it had even occurred to him in the first place. It really left her with one conclusion: she was letting her own lack of self-confidence poison things with Harry by making everyone else around her into a threat.
She hated that. She had never gotten on well with other girls to begin with, which had made her pre-Hogwarts life a rather frustrating experience since everyone in her school had been girls. The last thing she needed though was to turn all of them into enemies by being a harpy to everyone around her, but how was she supposed to get over the lack of confidence?
This would have been so much easier if there had been other male-female dynamics to observe when she was younger. For the first time she was mentally reprimanding her parents for denying her that opportunity, which was a shame since she quite liked her old school otherwise and missed seeing her teacher-friends there.
"Are you alright?" Harry asked suddenly, drawing her from her thoughts; she'd been too distracted to see him approach.
His green eyes were full of concern, turning her bowels into jelly as this anxiously nervous feeling tingled around her like the urge to jump. The solution was obvious, but Hermione didn't know if she had it in her. If anything was going to demolish the last bit of confidence killing reserve it'd be that, and that would damn her even more - not that she was interested in being saved.
"I'm fine," she lied, or at least exaggerated. She couldn't believe she was going to do this; her hands were starting to feel numb.
"I wanted to say I'm sorry for that thing with Luna," he said, looking abashed.
"I'm the one that should apologize," Hermione corrected him. "You didn't know about her mother and I let you walk into it blindly."
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