A small but undeniable feeling calling itself hope slowly creeps up to me.
I believe I'll receive a different response this time, or maybe I know it wouldn't hurt the first time.
...It's my birthday after all... my 14th birthday.
I remember when Stephanie used to come to my birthday parties whenever I asked her out.
She... used to.
I remember when she beamed seeing the food displayed on the long table. The aroma of spaghetti and beef mingled with the laughter-filled tension in the air.
I watched how her gaze slowly lost the spark it once had when each birthday came.
The last one I remembered was my sixth birthday—how much fun we had. The way she carried herself through games, how competitive she was—it all stayed with me even now.
I remembered every birthday with her up until my seventh.
She couldn't meet my gaze, like there was something in her mind she kept hidden.
Yet I saw none of her hesitation, I only saw the way she nonchalantly said, "Sorry, Elle. It just so happens I'm busy today."
I stared at the ground which suddenly looked really pretty. But Stephanie showed no such weakness.
She patted my shoulders and smiled.
"I hope you enjoy your birthday though."
I forced a small smile.
I... wanted to convince her.
Yet I didn't want to sound desperate, especially at her.
Why were you busy... now?
I asked, curiosity peeking out of my gaze.
"Uhh Steph, what're you planin' to do today?"
I tried to sound like my old self—the version of me I used to like."
Back then, I used to be unbound by social standards. Maybe that's why I felt drawn to her.
[ She bound me. ]
"It's a secret~"
"..."
I should've cherished those moments while it lasted.
And maybe, that simple rejection that spanned with the rest of my birthdays had me thinking as I grew older...
...Had she seen me as a burden? A responsibility she didn't want anymore?
That maybe, I had clung to her too much?
And relied on her for emotional stability?
But that couldn't be. I didn't want it to be.
We're... ■•■?■■s.
...She probably had other reasons.
But for me, I was just too much for her.
——————————————————
The word 'distance' lingered in my chest as I looked up at Jane.
"Uhh, hey… do you wanna join me? I'm inviting you to my party this afternoon."
The words came out softer than I meant them to. Like they were testing the air before daring to exist.
Jane paused mid-scribble. Her pen hovered just above the page.
"Oh."
That was it. Just 'oh'. One small sound that made my chest tighten.
She finally looked at me, eyes unreadable in that way that always made my stomach tighten.
"What time?"
Relief slipped into my chest before I could stop it.
"Uhm—around five. Its just a simple party, nothing big. Just… food. And cake. Also a few games we could try to win."
I hated how quickly I started downplaying it—like I was already apologizing for wanting her there.
Like I was already preparing for her to say no.
She leaned back in her chair, crossing her arms.
"I dunno. I might have stuff to do."
My fingers curled into the hem of my skirt.
"Oh. That's— uhh, yeah. That's fine."
I shouldn't feel disappointed, she hasn't said no yet. But maybe because I had such a high expectation... that I wouldn't get the same response because its a different person.
It has been 7 years.
Sure, I had friends within those years but... they never lasted long.
I sometimes saw them with someone I barely recognize, or don't recognize at all.
And maybe thats just the passage of time.
She studied my face, like she was trying to figure something out that wasn't being said out loud.
"It's your birthday, right?"
My breath hitched.
"…Yeah."
She looked away again.
"I'll see."
Three words.
Not a confirmation, nor was she simply denying it.
Just enough hope to keep me waiting.
"Okay."
I forced a smile that felt a little too tight...
She nodded once, already turning back to her notebook.
The conversation was over.
But my chest didn't get the memo. It was still holding onto something I knew better than to trust.
——————————————————
[ Ding! ]
The bell rang, signaling the end of a class.
For a moment, no one moved—then the classroom loosened all at once.
Since gadgets weren't allowed in school, most students filled the free time in ways they could.
Chairs scraped the floor, Voices overlapped, and suddenly someone randomly started laughing.
Small groups formed quickly, as if they had been waiting for permission.
Some of them already knew where to go.
A few were friends from last year, lucky enough to end up together again.
Elle stayed where she was.
Free periods were supposed to feel like relief, but for her, they often did the opposite. Silence stretched when no teacher came.
It contrasted to the loud atmosphere that rang in her ears. And that... signified loneliness.
It might contradict herself, but she hoped that rare chance a teacher would still show up, take attendance, fill the hour with structure.
Anything that would make the quiet feel justified.
Her seatmate, though?
She thrived in it.
Jane joked easily when someone spoke to her, tapped her pen against the desk, leaned back like the waiting didn't bother her at all.
She could distract herself, play with whatever was around, slip into the moment without effort.
Elle couldn't. Or maybe, she can't.
Even when she tried to talk to her, the conversations never lasted long. Jane always found a way to end them naturally, not cruelly.
Her attention would drift. Her answers would shorten.
She never really shared herself with anyone.
And the longer Elle tried, the more it felt like she was the only one reaching.
So, after a while, she stopped.
Jane remained at her desk now, flipping through her notebook.
Alone.
No circle forming around her.
No one calling her name.
Their eyes met briefly.
Jane nodded once.
Elle nodded back.
That was all.
Hours passed, a few teachers came.
Elle remembered doodling on her notebook a cake with a cherry on top.
And when the bell that basically says "It's the end of class" came...
She packed her bag, giving her thoughts time to settle into something manageable. When she finally stood, she felt lighter for reasons she couldn't explain—and heavier for the same reason.
At the door, Stephanie was already waiting.
"You good?" she asked.
Elle blinked, then smiled. "Yeah."
Stephanie fell into step beside her without question. Just like always.