"Why do you lot have to go asking about this?" Hagrid grumbled, a bit annoyed. "I'm not trying to be rude, but some people would call you... a bunch of nosey Parkers."
"I'm not a person, so I can be a nosey Parker," Cohen said, as if it were the most obvious thing in the world. "You can tell me, the 'weapon,' and then I'll just tell Harry and them. The result is the same, but you haven't technically spilled any secrets."
"You tell us, and then we'll tell you," Harry insisted, eager to know what had happened to Hagrid.
"Fine, fine..." Hagrid muttered, flipping the piece of dragon meat he was using to soothe his face.
"I told you last term, didn't I, that I was going to France with Olympe—that is, Madame Maxime—but we were actually looking for some of the last remaining giants in Britain."
Hagrid mentioned that the Ministry of Magic had been following them, so they had to shake off their tail.
"They have all this energy to track us, but none to think about dealing with You-Know-Who?" Harry said, his voice full of righteous indignation.
Hagrid shivered at the sound of Voldemort's name.
"Harry, you know how it is. Most people are afraid of him coming back, just like Fudge," Hagrid explained. "Chasing me and Olympe is a lot safer than chasing the Dark Lord. That's why Dumbledore thinks there's no point in cooperating with the Ministry right now... Their courage is gone, and it's even more scattered now that they know You-Know-Who is really back."
"A wizard who thinks he's going to lose for sure can't win against anyone," Cohen said. "It's like a person who thinks they can't do magic; they pretty much turn into a Muggle."
"Where did you learn a phrase like that?" Harry asked, surprised.
"Can't a wizard come up with his own ideas?" Cohen retorted. "I've been working on my whole 'Philosopher-Mage' persona, you know. Otherwise, I feel like someone's just going to say, 'Nicolas Flamel's Philosopher's Stone was fed to the dog.'"
"That's pretty much what Dumbledore said, too. He told us never to lose our courage," Hagrid said. "Of course, if we didn't have that spirit, we wouldn't have joined the Order of the Phoenix—oh—should I not have said that?"
"It's alright, we already know. I stayed at the headquarters all summer," Harry said.
"Hagrid, you haven't told anyone else, have you?" Hermione asked, her expression worried.
"Of course not! Besides Olympe, I haven't said more than two words to anyone," Hagrid said. "So once we shook off the Ministry's tail, Olympe and I used a bit of magic and got back to the north of Britain in less than a week. It took us a few more days to find the mountain where the giants live..."
Hagrid went on to tell the story of giving gifts to the giant Gurg (the chieftain) Karkus. But after two days, the giants had an internal feud, and the new chieftain, Golgomath, had been swayed by the Death Eaters. He then attacked Hagrid and Olympe.
"So You-Know-Who has been pretty busy, too," Cohen said with a nod.
"Are those injuries from then?" Hermione asked.
"Pretty much..." Hagrid said sadly.
"But shouldn't you have come back a long time ago?" Harry asked.
"No way! Dumbledore was counting on us," Hagrid said, sounding a bit insulted. "We had to go back."
"But you said you couldn't go back, and the giants were hostile to you," Ron said, frowning.
"Just the ones in the valley. There were some other giants who didn't want Golgomath to be chieftain, and they were hiding in the caves..."
Hagrid's story was coming to an end. Most of the giants hiding in the caves were eventually killed by Golgomath, and the survivors refused to speak to Hagrid and Olympe ever again.
"I get it," Cohen said. "It's like with the Dementors. The Death Eaters promised to help them raid humans for food. Your gifts of fire-goblets and goblin-made helmets are just toys compared to a long-term meal ticket."
If Cohen were Dumbledore, he would have just found a way to kill off the remaining few dozen giants to prevent them from causing any more trouble—but Dumbledore wouldn't do that, would he?
"Your turn now," Hagrid said. "Tell me your story. Why did a Dementor attack Harry?"
"Because that Dementor was one of the ones who left Azkaban after You-Know-Who took them all, and it came to ask me to join them," Cohen said, adding a bit of his own flourish. "You know how they are. They always think I'm having a rough time and don't have enough to eat. You should eat when you can."
"So it actually wanted to take me and Dudley to give to you to eat?" Harry's eyes went wide.
"Pretty much," Cohen said. "But your Patronus grossed it out, so it waited until you left Privet Drive before it dared to come to my house."
"When you went to Greece?" Hagrid said, a moment of dawning realization. "Wait—what did you just say? The Dark Lord took all the Dementors from Azkaban?!"
"That's right," all three of them nodded.
Hagrid shot to his feet.
"No, I have to tell Dumbledore..." Hagrid said anxiously.
"Dumbledore already knows, Hagrid," Harry said, pulling on the cuff of Hagrid's sleeve, which was large enough to be his shirt. "Haven't you read the paper?"
"I haven't had time to read the papers lately. The giants in the mountains were shooting down birds and eating them, so the owls were afraid to get anywhere near the place," Hagrid said, before a pained expression crossed his face as he sat back down, realizing Dumbledore already had the news.
"And then, when the term started, a new professor came, sent by the Ministry. Her name was Dolores Umbridge," Hermione said.
"The Ministry sent a teacher to Hogwarts?" Hagrid asked, sounding uneasy. "Did they send her to spy on Dumbledore?"
"She was meant to," Ron said, trying to muffle his laughter. "But she was gone in less than three days. The reason? She turned into a monster and attacked the students in class."
"Turned into a monster and attacked students? That's too much..." Hagrid said, sounding like he didn't quite believe it. It sounded too absurd. Would the Ministry really send a monster to attack students?
Their own children attended Hogwarts, after all.
Harry gave Hagrid a detailed account of everything that happened with Umbridge: her giving Harry and Cohen detention and her turning into a gray-skinned shark monster in class.
"So did you get a new Defence Against the Dark Arts teacher?" Hagrid asked. "The term just started, so that position can't be empty for too long..."
"Take a guess?" Harry said, covering his mouth to hide a grin. "You know him. If you guess right, I'll tell you something really funny about Cohen."
"Don't you dare finish that sentence," Cohen said flatly.