"Kiyomi!" Olympia calls out. "Sorry if I made you wait—I had some business to attend to."
Business? Well, she is the most popular person in school, and we just came back from break. I bet she had a whole wazoo of people to deal with.
"Did you seriously monologue using the word wazoo? I sense one of my favorite clubs will have to disband soon…"
"Shut up. Wait—don't. I'd like to hear what you had to deal with."
She chuckles. It's cute. I'm just now noticing that she tends to close her eyes when she laughs. Or…does that only happen when I make her laugh?
"I had—wait—I wanted to escort Kumiko to the counselor's office," she says. "I didn't want her to go alone."
Counselor's office? Is Kumiko in some kind of trouble?
"You are foolish, aren't you, Kiyomi? Did you forget what happened not-so-long ago? You know, the whole wanting to murder me fiasco."
Shit. Of course. That's why.
"Do you think a counselor can help her?" I ask. "I don't have much experience with counseling, but…I never thought they were equipped for something that serious. Wait—did you even tell the counselor about Kumiko's homicidal thoughts?"
"No," she replies quickly. "I didn't want Kumiko to face anything serious. I kept the info vague—so no legal action could be taken without my say. I don't want anything like that to happen to her."
"You know that's incredibly selfish, right?" I snap.
"What…what do you mean?" she laughs awkwardly, not closing her eyes this time.
"You think you can protect her? That you can just toss her into the counselor's office and everything will be fine? She needs serious help—and you're wasting time trying to keep things clean and quiet. Do you honestly think this will fix her? Are you that naïve?
"You're an idiot. A big, fat, selfish idiot."
She doesn't respond.
Shit.
I didn't even think before saying that—it just poured out. Rage, fear, frustration—whatever it was, it felt good to finally say it.
But looking at her now—those empty, hollow eyes—I feel nothing but regret.
I'm a piece of shit.
Of course, she doesn't want Kumiko to be punished. Of course, she's doing what she thinks is best. They've known each other for years. I'm the outsider. Who am I to speak like I know them better?
Oh. That's right.
I do know them better. I've known them for an eternity. Just not this version of them.
But she doesn't know that.
This Olympia hasn't even known me for a month.
I'm the worst.
Silence stretches between us like another lifetime.
"You know, Kiyomi," she finally says, "Kumiko is one of two people who've ever mattered to me. And I'm sorry—but you're not one of them."
Ouch.
"I just wanted to make that clear before you start getting foolish ideas. Kumiko's one of the only people I've ever truly let in. The second person...he's no longer part of my world. He's gone. And now, all I have left is Kumiko.
"I know you see me chatting with others at school. But they don't mean much to me. Without Kumiko, I'd be alone. Truly alone.
"I'm sorry if that hurts. I consider you someone close, I do. Just not as close as her. Maybe one day you will be. But not today."
She pauses, then adds, "If I lose Kumiko, something inside me will break. And once that happens...you'll hate me. You'll loathe me. You'll wish I were dead.
"I'm not a good person, Kiyomi. I know that. I don't know why you care about me or Kumiko. We're both awful. I know how messed up she is. She's my best friend.
"So, no offense, but I don't need you pretending you know her better than I do."
Her eyes harden.
"If I told you every horrible thing I've done—every secret I keep—could you even look me in the eyes again? Wouldn't you feel sick just being near me?
"I deserve to be hated. I deserve to be killed.
"If anyone should be murdered, it should be me."
She laughs.
"Did I ever tell you about that second person who made me feel less alone? I can't remember if I did. I hope that's not some half-assed retcon," she says, chuckling again. Eyes closed this time.
I don't know what to say.
I don't know what to do.
So I laugh with her.
It's the only thing I can do.
This laugh—this small, private laugh—only the two of us can hear it.
After everything we've been through...after everything I thought I knew...there's still so much I don't understand about her.
Maybe she is a shitty person.
Maybe she's worse than I thought.
Still…
I care about her.
I care about both of them.
Maybe I don't make them feel less alone.
But they make me feel that way.