I knew the moment Kz stepped inside my apartment.
At first, I stayed put in my room, sitting at the edge of my bed, trying to ignore the way my heart thudded in my chest. The sounds of her moving around, setting something down on the counter, a pen scratching on paper, filtered through the door. The soft hiss of the bathroom door shutting.
I could just stay here. Wait it out. Let her leave, and I'd avoid the awkwardness.
But, of course, I couldn't.
Before I could stop myself, I cracked the door open just enough to peek out. My eyes landed on the counter. A plate of sandwiches. And a note, neatly folded beside it.
I hesitated for a moment, then, drawn by a pull I couldn't ignore, I stepped out quietly, making my way over to the counter.
I unfolded the note:
"I'll be around to use the bathroom. Help yourself to the sandwiches. Lessen this to the favors I owe you! Four left! - Kz"
I couldn't help but chuckle at the thought of her keeping track. Four left, huh?
I sat down on the stool by the counter and picked up a sandwich, taking a bite.
Damn. It was good. Really good.
Tequila, sensing something tasty, trotted over to me, her nose twitching. I tore off a small piece and gave it to her. She took it without hesitation, practically inhaling the food.
"Guess you like it too, huh?" I muttered, ruffling her fur.
Then I noticed the smaller sandwich, set off to the side, almost like it had been prepared just for Tequila. It was just the right size. And there was a note with it.
"For Tequila. Princess needs a treat too."
I smirked. Princess, huh? She really had earned the title, I thought as I tore off another bite of the sandwich and handed it to her. She gobbled it up quickly.
Then I heard the sound of the shower turning off, and my stomach dropped.
Sh*t.
I wasn't ready for this. I couldn't face her... not yet.
I quickly grabbed the plate and washed it. I don't know why, but something about cleaning up felt like I was buying myself a little more time. Maybe it was the sense of normalcy, or maybe I just didn't want to deal with the feelings I was feeling.
When I was done, I set the plate on the drying rack and grabbed a pen. I scribbled out a note:
"This was really good. Thanks for dinner. Tequila liked it too. Left no crumbs."
Without thinking, I left the note next to the plate, stepped back toward my room, and tried to breathe again.
By the time I heard her footsteps moving toward the door, I was back in my room, feet frozen to the floor, as if they were glued there.
She left. I didn't see her, but I heard the door click shut, the sound of her leaving.
And yet, I stayed still.
I should've felt relieved, but something else had already taken its place. Something I wasn't ready to deal with.
So I did the only thing I knew how to do in moments like this.
I ignored it.
Back in my room, I stood there, frozen. Speechless. My hand gripped my shirt tightly over my chest, as if I could hold myself together that way. Memories from the past came rushing back.
I remember her.
I was clinging to her, my tears soaking her shoulder as she whispered soothing words into my ear, telling me that none of it was my fault. She wished me happiness, told me I'd find it eventually. But those words only seemed to dig the pain deeper.
It wasn't just losing her. It was losing myself in the process.
I snapped back to the present, shaking my head as if to clear the thought, but the ache in my chest remained.
Tequila, sensing the shift in my mood, padded over to me. Without hesitation, I picked her up and hugged her tightly.
"I can't, Tequila. I'm not ready..." My voice cracked slightly as I whispered the words, more to myself than to her.
Tequila responded by shifting her body closer, nuzzling against me, offering her silent comfort. And as I held her, I let myself drown in her warmth, allowing it to fill the empty spaces where the past still lingered.
But even as I felt the comfort of her presence, something deep inside me knew that I was still running from something. Something I wasn't ready to face, yet.
But again my thoughts drift back to Kz, and it's hard to ignore the undeniable pull she has on me. Every time I think about her, I feel like I'm losing myself. She's like a ray of sunshine; bright, warm, and blinding. It's impossible to not notice her, but I also know that if I get too close, if I stay too long, the heat will scorch me.
Maybe it's the way she gets so flustered every time we talk. There's something about that that makes me feel... something. Something I don't know how to deal with.
I can't quite put my finger on it, but with Kz, everything is confusing. The only thing I'm sure of is that I don't know how to handle it. So, I do the only thing that makes sense to me... I ignore it. I push it aside, pretending like nothing's changed, like I'm not being pulled in by something I can't quite understand.
But deep down, I know it's not that simple.
After grappling with the restless thoughts, I pushed myself to get ready for work. It always pains me to leave Tequila alone, especially during the long hours I'm away, but knowing she's there when I come home, waiting for me behind the door of my apartment, gives me a strange sense of security.
"Tequila, I'm leaving for work now. You stay here, alright? I know you're a good girl, but you know..."
"...be good to Kz too." I whispered, planting a kiss on her head before stepping out the door.
When I arrived at the bar, Bernard was already inside, preparing things before we opened for the night.
"Hey, kid. Some of our orders arrived. Need help unloading them in the back?" He didn't miss the look on my face, though. His gaze was sharp, like he was trying to read me again.
"Gramps, stop trying to read me. Nothing's wrong, I just didn't get enough sleep."
Sensing that I wasn't in the mood to talk, he didn't push it. I helped him load the deliveries into the back. As I was about to head to our usual area, he placed a hand on my shoulder.
"Kid, you know I've got your back, right? If there's anything bothering you..."
I stopped him right there, tapping him on the back in a way that told him everything was fine.
After serving a good number of customers that night, I found myself asking Bernard something strange.
"Did you know that adobo is delicious?" The question caught me off guard, and I had no idea why I even asked it.
Bernard chuckled, clearly amused. "Hmm. Maybe I'll get to taste this adobo you're raving about. Did you cook it?"
I hesitated, my mind immediately drifting to Kz. I stayed silent for a moment, not quite ready to admit what I knew.
"No. She gave it to me." My voice dropped low, barely above a whisper.
Bernard raised an eyebrow, but before he could say anything, a customer walked up to the bar, ordering a drink.
Thank god. Safe for now. I had no idea why I even mentioned it to him.
As the last customer left and we began to close up for the night, I hoped Bernard wouldn't bring it up again. But then again, why was I so hesitant to admit that Kz gave me a sandwich?
It wasn't a big deal, right? It's just a sandwich.
But still, my heart betrayed me, and I could feel heat rising to my cheeks. To distract myself, I focused on tidying up the bar. Bernard passed by, offering one last piece of advice.
"Kid, this 'she'... if it feels right, go for it."
I watched him walk away, and his words hit harder than I expected. He always looked out for me, especially when I needed someone. I couldn't help but feel a warm sense of gratitude for him, for always being there.
After locking up and getting ready to head home, I noticed an umbrella left in the stand near the door. A gust of wind blew through, a warning that rain was coming.
I guess I'm borrowing you.
I grabbed the umbrella and tucked it into my bag. I told Bernard I was heading home and made my way out of the bar.
It hadn't even been five minutes, and the rain started coming down. I smiled to myself, feeling a sense of pride that I'd anticipated the weather so accurately. But then, as I turned a corner, I saw someone standing in the rain, their bag doing little to shield them from the downpour.
Our eyes met, and I froze. It was Kz.