As expected, I was alone; it was 7 PM, after all. I popped into the kitchen for a drink of water, and then went straight to my room.
Depressing was the only word that could describe it. The bed was unmade, dirty clothes were piled up in one corner of the room, waiting to be taken to the washing machine, and my desk was covered in snacks and random bits and pieces.
"…"
I didn't remember the room being in such bad condition; it even had a certain human smell…
"…If what you smell is me…"
After smelling my armpit, I came to that conclusion. And even after thinking that, I didn't feel like taking a shower, especially now that I was wearing makeup and the patch.
I threw my clothes onto the pile that was slowly coming to life, and changed into pajamas, before leaving my room.
I opened the door and peered around.
The moonlight barely filtered through the window, so I had to turn on a lamp on the desk, its orange glow illuminating the room.
The light made the place much cozier, though it already made me want to stay. I sat on the floor, leaning my back against the side of the bed, and looked down under the desk.
There was a wastebasket, still containing some items, the most recent being a striking box. A figure lay inside it.
Should I take it out?
I crawled over and pulled the box out of the trash. Yes… This was supposed to be the perfect gift, so perfect that there it was, next to all the other useless stuff.
I turned the box over and over, not really paying attention to it even though I was staring at it. Then I opened it and held the figurine in my hands. It was a bit of a struggle, but I think it would have been worth it.
Without putting it back in the box, I stood up and went over to the shelf. I thought about it and tried out different places to put it, getting a little dust in my hands along the way, until I found the perfect spot.
Everything was carefully arranged, with great care. It was one of those things mothers would show off to guests. "Look how cool my daughter's bookshelf is! It's from those cartoons that are sometimes on TV," and meanwhile, you're red as a tomato.
It's like I'm some kind of circus animal; they seem to throw what I like in my face as if it's something bad. I hate it when people I dislike mention things I like.
" What else can I do?" I sighed, and after going down to the kitchen to get a rag and the first container that said "Hey, pick me up, I'll dust," I started taking down and putting all the manga and figures on the bed, and I cleaned the bookshelf.
Then came the countertop, then the nightstand. I couldn't force myself to clean anything else.
It was like he was looking at me through that photo. " What are you doing cleaning my room again? That's disgusting, go away," he'd probably say something like that, in an annoyed and disgusted tone.
I sat down in front of it, aimlessly. The flowers in the vases were still fresh, and when I looked closer, there wasn't a single dust to wipe off.
I started trembling, so I got up immediately and stopped paying attention to it.
As I lay in bed…
"Ah, you're here. Have you had dinner?"
My father opened the bedroom door, and after a very brief display of surprise, in a gentle and kind tone, more present than usual, he asked me something I clearly hadn't asked.
"Y-yes, there was still rice in the refrigerator,"
I answered as I got out of bed and sat on the edge.
It was right after we spoke that he noticed the patch on my face, and now a little worried, he asked, "What's with that patch?" His eyes made me think he believed I'd bumped into someone. Bing Bong~ 100 points for you~.
"I tripped on my way home and scraped myself…" I proclaimed, as I scratched my good cheek with my index finger.
"You need to watch where you're going…" I was a little relieved that it was something so superficial, but inside I could clearly hear him saying, "You make me worry just for this?!"
"…And, what did you talk to the principal about?"
"I should be asking you what you've been doing all afternoon… Have you even had lunch?"
"Well, now that you mention it, I haven't had lunch either...
" "I ate at KFC."
"Well, you were probably with &$%!" and the others..."
"...!" Hearing his name startled me for a moment, making me uneasy and fearful, though I hid it as best I could.
"Is something wrong?"
"Ah, n-no..."
"Mmm, it's true you told me you'd bumped into Suzune before... Young people these days..." I really don't like that giggling tone of yours, and I can practically hear you saying "Good luck with her!" between the lines!
"It's nothing like that..."
"I'll take your word for it..."
"..."
" Were the flowers pretty?"
Huh? Flo-? Oh, that…
"Yes… I used all the money you gave me to buy them…" I tried to say while clutching the sheets with my hand.
"I'm sure… she'll be happy with them," I added.
"Yes, sure…" With a bittersweet comment, silence fell in his room. Instead of saying goodbye and closing the door, my father came over to me, sitting down next to me on the bed, wrapping his arm around the back of my neck, like some kind of side hug, if such a thing exists.
"Thank you." For a moment, that's all he said, but before I had a chance to respond with the most generic thing possible, he continued talking.
"I'm sorry about yesterday… I went too far, I shouldn't have reacted like that." My father was sorry, and he made that clear to me.
It wasn't a superficial feeling, because if it were, I wouldn't have to be doing all that. 'He's my father, and that's why what he does is okay and he has an excuse,' is what I don't want to think.
"Nothing's wrong…" I put one hand on top of the other while resting them in my lap, trying to calm myself down.
I wasn't lying when I said nothing was wrong, I really didn't care anymore; but all that was because something worse had happened.
What difference did it make to me that my father yelled at me yesterday? It wasn't genuine forgiveness, it was ignoring what no longer hurt, because something worse was drowning it out.
" If you want something, don't bother asking."
"I'm really fine."
Before getting up, my father patted me on the shoulder a couple of times, then headed for the door. Before leaving, he said,
"I…"
"…?"
"…No, never mind. Good night."
Having a last-minute change of heart, my father dropped whatever it was he was going to say to me.
"…Good night."
He closed the door behind him as he left the room.
A while after he left, I lay down on the bed from the position I was in, letting myself fall onto it sideways, with my feet still on the edge.
" You don't have to forgive me if you don't want to, but… I'm sorry."
"You are strong, Riku."
"You're a good boy too."
" I'm sorry about yesterday…"
"Don't you realize where you are?"
I had to run to the bathroom.
"Bleghh…!"
Agitated, almost hyperventilating, I vomited up what little I had eaten today; the tea that Haruka had offered me, and I don't know if I should say my breakfast too, it all seemed very liquid.
"Do you regret it?" the person in the mirror said. I looked up to meet their eyes. To say they were looking down on me is an understatement.
I don't want to hang out with people like that .
"Is that a yes or a no?"
They can all go to hell.
A sea of flames continued to burn inside me, and although the sensation was horrible, I had no intention of extinguishing it. In fact, I fanned the flames.
I got up as best I could to wash my mouth at the sink, taking the opportunity to confront him at his own level.
None of those answers are good enough for you?
"I don't care if you say you dislike them, that you hate them, that you want them to die. None of that matters if you're not clear about what you want."
…? Oh, no, I'm absolutely sure.
"Then say it."
…
"When you go to class, you're going to ignore them. When you go to class, they won't exist for you. How are you going to hide what happened if you act like this in front of everyone?"
As if it were difficult to keep up appearances.
"Of course it is, especially when everyone is watching you."
Since Friday, I've been the talk of the town. It's only natural. And besides, I'm sure everyone wants to hear what Otsuki has to say; they'll just be watching me from a distance, throwing shade.
I can't do anything under pressure, and if being on the street can make me a little nervous, imagine if one or more people are constantly staring at me.
I wouldn't even be able to hold back my tears.
None of that matters if I'm not going to class all week.
I was already planning to skip a couple of days of class, even after my expulsion. The best part is they'd see it as normal; I'm allowed to do that.
" And you think they're going to forget that easily?"
Well…
"Of course they won't! It doesn't matter if it's a week, several weeks, or even a month, they won't rest until they see you. If you think that staying locked up here for months will calm things down, you're only going to achieve the opposite."
I never intended to be locked up here for so long!
"You reject it because part of you knows that it would screw up your life even more than it already is. You know there's a part of you that's afraid of the future, and that's why you can't make such drastic decisions."
I don't have time to think about the present, how do you expect me to focus on the future?
"Whether you like it or not, you end up doing it. Yes, what you want is to shut yourself away here, not have to see anyone, not have to worry about anything. But you're not going to let them do that to you."
I can definitely do it if I set my mind to it.
He took a moment to look me straight in the eyes, which I tried to avoid. He smiled when he saw me look away.
"You control your life far less than you think, Riku."
After that, all I saw was my reflection.