Chapter 6: Why Do I Have to Live?
Ryuusei felt something inside him break. His vision became blurry, his legs trembled, and suddenly everything changed.
The bloody room disappeared.
Now I was in an empty space, a gray limbo with no horizon or ground. But, standing in front of him, there was someone.
A child.
Small, with messy hair and bright eyes full of hope. He himself, at the age of six.
The boy stared at him, with an innocent smile, holding in his small hands a child's drawing.
It was a sketch of a happy family. A strong father, a loving mother, and in their midst, a boy who dreamed of being a hero.
"Hey, Ryuusei-niichan," her voice sounded soft, but something about her felt broken. Remember this?
Ryuusei swallowed, feeling a chill run down his spine.
"That... it's my family," he murmured, his voice breaking.
The boy nodded excitedly.
"Yes, the family you swore to protect. You said you'd become strong, that you'd never leave us, that you'd be our shield..." His little eyes blinked. So, tell me... where are they now?
Ryuusei felt the air escape him.
The boy cocked his head.
"Mom and Dad don't remember you. Your sisters... well, you saw them, didn't you? And you... you don't even want to live.
The boy's voice still sounded sweet, but there was something about his tone that made Ryuusei feel exposed, naked, vulnerable.
"You—" Ryuusei gritted his teeth. Who are you really?
The boy blinked, surprised.
"It's you. Don't you recognize me? He smiled. I'm the Ryuusei who believed in dreams, the one who thought life could always get better.
Ryuusei felt a weight in his chest, as if a thousand needles were stuck in his heart.
"Then," he whispered. Why are you here?
The boy stepped forward, his eyes shining in an unnatural way.
"To ask you a question.
Ryuusei didn't move.
The little boy bowed his head.
"If you could go back in time... would you be born again?"
The world became even quieter.
Ryuusei felt his throat close.
The boy smiled again, but now his expression seemed distorted, as if something inside him was rotten.
"Tell me the truth, niichan. You don't want to live, do you?
Ryuusei felt a chill run down his spine.
"I...
The boy did not stop looking at him.
"Just say it. You don't want to continue existing. You don't have anybody. You don't have a home. You have no purpose.
Ryuusei took a deep breath, his fists shaking.
—…
The boy came even closer, lifting the drawing, which was now stained with blood.
"Or do you still think you can be happy?"
Ryuusei felt his heart pound with pain. I didn't know what to answer.
Ryuusei couldn't take it anymore. His mind was fractured, his soul torn apart.
The boy kept looking at him, with that smile that was not innocent, but cruel, reflecting the echo of his own darkest thoughts.
"Come on, Ryuusei-niichan," he whispered. Say.
Ryuusei closed her eyes tightly. His breathing quickened, his chest rose and fell as if he were still alive... as if it still had a purpose. But he didn't.
He had no family. I had no happy memories. No one remembered. No one expected it.
What was the point of continuing to breathe when the world had already forgotten it?
"ENOUGH IS ENOUGH!" He shouted at the top of his lungs, his voice trembling between despair and rage.
The emptiness around him shook, but the boy didn't move. He just looked at him, waiting.
Ryuusei fell to his knees. I couldn't take it anymore. His hands covered his face, and for the first time in years, he cried.
He cried as if his pain could wash away all the suffering.
But he didn't.
It was still there.
"What for... Why continue living? he whispered, his voice breaking. If I'm already dead... If no one remembers me... if every wound that closes only brings me more pain...
Her tears fell to the empty floor, disappearing as if they had never existed.
The boy bowed his head.
"Then who are you really?"
Ryuusei looked up.
The question hit harder than any fist.
Who was he?
A corpse that refused to decompose. An echo of someone who once had dreams. A monster that didn't even have the right to die.
Existence itself had become his condemnation.
Life was just a cycle of suffering and unfulfilled desire. The world offered no consolation, only an endless struggle against the very nature of being.
Existential angst was inevitable. Each human was condemned to question his own meaning to the point of despair.
But Ryuusei was not human.
It was less than that.
It was a mistake that should not have existed.
His mind sank into the abyss of his own thoughts. He remembered all the times he had wanted to give up, all the times he had thought that dying would be the only answer.
But even that was not allowed.
"See?" The boy whispered. You don't have a true "me." You are just what the world wanted you to be... And now the world has decided that you are nothing.
Nothing.
Ryuusei felt his body tremble.
He was not a hero. He was not a brother. He was not a son. He was not a friend. He was nobody.
Once on television I heard a philosopher say: No matter how much a being tries to conform to the rules imposed by society, its essence will always find a way to manifest itself. The struggle between nature and morality is eternal, because it is not a matter of choosing what we want to be, but of accepting what, deep down, we never stop being...
Ryuusei no longer knew what it was.
All I knew was that...
I didn't want to exist.