i go and pass straight through to the other side. i'm in Sarah's apartment. Inside, there is no light on, and the absence of light means it's late. But He said He won't show me what people think anymore.
"You're up for it?"
i hear Sarah from her room, speaking in pauses, as if it was just for her. i go in the room and see her half naked, on her bed, in a perverted position, holding her phone and looking at it. i go closer to her, she's just in panties and bra. A black beautiful bra that barely covers anything, and what does cover is not at all hidden behind the thin and transparent material. And down at the panties i don't even have the courage to look, it most definitely is made of the same material. i sit down on the bed with her and look at her phone screen. She was talking with Matt. Only sexual messages, perverted, very detailed.
"Tell me more, what else would you do to me?"
She moves to a corner, with her back leaning against the wall, opens her legs, one she raises a little higher and props it on the other wall, and the other leg she lets it low on a side. She puts the phone lower, even lower, and then i hear a snapshot sound.
"Would you like to take them off with your teeth?"
i get close to her again, Matt sends her too a picture with him naked.
"Mmmm, I like what I see. Send some more."
The pictures keep coming, and going, and she starts lowering her free hand, between her legs, and pulls…the panties to the side. First she takes a picture…then… No, i can't see this, i can't look at this. He said that he won't show me anymore. He said he'll stop… Fuck!
"You said that you'll stop showing me!"
"Yes, but I'm not showing you anything. you wanted to see this, you, you, and only you. Stop it, stop yourself, stop forcing her to show you, stop thinking about this! you see?! you can't! It's not My fault! you want to know! you want this!"
"i don't want to! i don't want to know anymore! i don't want this!"
…then she brings back her phone and continues chatting pervertedly with Matt, while with her other hand she starts to…to masturbate. She wasn't like this before…no…
"That's exactly how she was! How she is! And you knew perfectly, otherwise this wouldn't happen right now!"
She wasn't like this! It's not her behaviour. It's not herself. It's not her! She can't be doing this. i don't…i don't believe it. She loved me, to forget me and the feelings she had for me, so fast.
"It's not you! Stop! Please…"
i get up from the bed, her face, the pure joy that i see on her face. She's so happy, so horny. So… i don't want to see her like this anymore. He said that all this is just what she's thinking, i want to see the reality, i want to see what is happening. Only by day, so i need light, i pull out the compass, it lights, i point it to her face…
It's full of tears, she's suffering, all her happiness is gone suddenly, she's just crying, as if she's hating herself for what's she doing.
"Stop her, please, she's suffering!"
"There's nothing to be stopped, she's not doing this, you could stop from wanting to see the truth."
"She's not imagining anything! i've known her for so long. You're lying!"
"Trust Me, you don't know her at all. And this, is what she's wishing the most."
"No, i can't do this anymore."
i get out of her room and into the balcony, i light up a cigarette. i can't even take a hit, my whole body is shaking. i don't know what to believe anymore. i don't know…what to feel…
"See? This is what you want to save, someone that can't stop from cheating on you, in reality or in her thoughts. She can't think about something else than that big and hard dick that Matt just showed us. This is how she mourns you, this is what she has on her little nasty mind while she feels, just the tiniest bit of sadness, for your death."
"She's suffering."
"you really want to forgive her? Can you even forgive her? Stop lying to yourself, you know you have to really really, forgive her, to believe it, and you'll never be able to believe this. you'll never ever be able to escape this place. Surrender yourself."
i throw away the cigarette, get out of the balcony and go straight to Sarah, i pull out the compass again and point it to her phone screen. There are no messages from Matt, there are no pictures of him naked, of his big hard dick. There are pictures with me, she's looking through all of our pictures, together.
"FUCK YOU! You're fucking lying, You…You piece of shit! my trust in You, is completely broken now, and forever!"
"Next time you're going to be on her mind, she's going to have Matt junior in her mouth."
"he loved me. he is the only one that truly loved me. It's the first time I ever felt love, and I wanted to leave him, to fight with him, to punish him. I love him. I want him to be here, I want him to still be alive. To hear one more time, I love you. To forgive me for what I've done to him. It was too short, this love of ours, I wanted to feel it again, but I felt only sorrow, and bitter fucked up pain. I'm so sorry…"
"i know. i know what you're going through."
i put my compass back in the pocket and get out of her room. i can still hear her speaking quietly, softly, something perverted, and then…
"…I love you."
i get out of the building, it's late, i don't know how much but i'm tired. i go to my parents' apartment. i just want to fall on my bed and fall asleep. i want to never wake up again. i want to disappear, not just for them like now. i want to disappear for good, for me too. To begone, myself, with all my problems.
i get in the building, up the stairs and in the apartment. Which is empty. Almost empty. Everywhere i see only boxes. my room only has the bed and the closets, empty all. my parents, nowhere. i look at the phone, it's a little past 2 in the morning. i…maybe they're at George, maybe they moved right away and sleep now at George. That must be it…
i fall suddenly on my poor bed, without sheet or pillow, i'm on my back, i'm too tired to check out if they…i just can't get up now. i just get ready to fall, asleep. Just wait.
Nothing is happening. i'm tired, i'm sleepy, i'm lying on my back trying to fall asleep, but i don't fall. i'm just there, my eyes focused on the ceiling. i can't close them, i'm a little scared, it's too dark. i turn on my side, towards the room, and look at where the power strip was supposed to be, the night light is gone. Anyway, it was broken.
i put a cigarette in my mouth and light it up. The flame from the lighter produces heat, the yellow colour of the flame fills the room with this warmth, warmth that i don't feel, i put my hand above the flame, keep it there, nothing. i don't feel the warmth. i don't feel the flame. i don't feel anything. But i…oh…my head hurts again, this insane pain! i try to think of something else. i look at the flame, i look at it going up on my finger, enveloping my fingertip, trying to get a grasp of me, to torture me, to burn me, but without success. This devoid from feelings self i am now, protects me from the pain of the flame. i'm scared it will soon evolve and protect me from all the pains of life. i turn back on my back, pull another mouthful of smoke and try to close my eyes.
The bed feels different, the mattress is much softer than i knew it, too soft to even lay straight on it. i'm hunched, pulled down, as if there is a hole in the middle. i think, right up until now, i was laying without weight, i was floating. i want to let myself go, down, without fear. Whatever might happen shall happen.
*
my body starts growing heavier, submerging into the mattress, going lower and lower. i'm letting myself be immersed, so much that i don't think i'm even in my room anymore. Even though above me i see the ceiling, which is moving further and further away.
i'm in a constant and so smooth fall. i still see around me, the mattress stretching. The exit is gone, i fell so much that i cannot see it anymore. i don't think i can ever reach back to the surface, i can only continue letting myself being dragged lower, even more. To relax, to completely release and let go of…or maybe not. i'll keep the control, and hope i'll never get out of here. But it doesn't last long, this descent of mine, and i start hearing voices, a man and a woman, speaking almost simultaneously.
"…good luck."
"…good luck."
my body pose changes and i land on a very comfortable armchair. i'm looking at a giant black window, i can see my reflection in the window, and the chair, and the entire room. The room i'm in right now is empty, nothing else but the armchair. i don't get to wander with my sight too much around the room as the window suddenly turns transparent. And on the other side are two rooms. And in these rooms are two people, each sitting down on a white chair, each with their back turned to me, each placed perfectly in the middle of each room.
The two are separated just by a thin wall, their rooms are small, 6 by 6 metres at most. The walls are all white and besides the white chairs, there is no other object in these two rooms. A loud noise startles me and the person in the left room. The one from the right room didn't hear it. In the left room, from the wall that the sitting person is facing, bulges out a big red lightbulb. Like an alarm light. A perfect feminine voice, the one that you hear in commercials, breaks the silence and starts enumerating a set of instructions.
"At the visual signal, start talking. Once nothing more can be extracted from that story, the light will go off, and the next time it will light up again you'll have to come up with a new source for the meter to feed on."
The red light turns on and before the person inside got to talk, it turns off. From the left wall bulges out some kind of huge thermometer, tall from the ground to the ceiling, full of a red juice, dark, similar to blood. The juice starts draining out of the thermometer, smearing the wall and the floor around it. The boy looks at the thermometer calm, without any reaction, as if he went through this before. The juice that hits the floor propels drops that spread around also reaching the boy, staining his left foot and his left hand. But he doesn't seem at all bothered by it. Now there's left only a bit of the juice, on the bottom of the thermometer, enough to indicate the very minimum of temperature. The woman voice continues explaining.
"To your left you have the meter, this instrument will measure the will to move forward. The examination is eliminatory, and you will be eliminated only if you pass it."
The thermometer starts filling back up very fast and the juice reaches up to the top where the glass bubble breaks, and from there starts spraying blood everywhere. These are thick drops and drips, and entire rivers of blood that cover everything, including the boy. Even the window that i'm watching through is completely red, full of blood and big drops of blood. i get close to them and watch them sliding down so slow. The drops are impure, dirty, as if the blood is coagulated.
"If the meter will indicate what it indicates now, you will have proven your will to move on and you'll get to the last phase."
In the floor and all the walls, thousands of tiny holes appear suddenly, and all the blood is sucked through them, aspirated quickly. The glass bubble goes back to its initial state and the entire room goes back to how it was before. Without any drop of blood, any piece of glass. The boy and his clothes, the walls, the window, everything is clean. White. And the red juice is again on the bottom of the thermometer indicating the minimum value.
"If the session ends and the meter will not indicate the maximum value, you will have failed, and you will have to continue your life without ever being able to get to the last phase again. Please wait for the visual signal."
From the left room comes no more sound out, the person on the chair remains still and awaits the visual signal. A noise pulls me now to the right room, and the same thing happens again. The same red light bulges out of the wall, the same instructions are repeated, the light goes on then off, then the thermometer appears, this time on the right wall and the same way, the rest of the instructions are repeated. And the right room is suddenly filled with blood, then cleaned, and in the end seized by silence.
i look at the room to the left, then at the room to the right, then back at the left one again, waiting for something to happen now. For the visual signal to appear, but nothing. By their backs i don't know who these two are, or what age they have, they both are wearing white clothes, identical, but by the long hair, i assume the person on the right is a female, and the person on the left, with the short hair, is male. But they don't move at all, they don't do anything else but sit on their chairs and wait. i'm waiting too with them.
The light turns on. The left room. He doesn't wait much and starts talking right away.
"I hate my life. I can't handle…"
The thermometer's juice starts rising up slowly, controlled by his words. The man's voice seems so familiar, i know it, i know him… It's Matt…it's his voice, from when he tried to light himself on fire, the hoarse voice he had then, trembling, he sounds as drunk as he was then. He makes sniffle pauses and wipes his tears as he's talking.
"I can't live on this planet anymore. I had a good childhood and most of my adolescence period was not bad, but…"
The thermometer starts indicating lower, the juice is slowly draining.
"But! But, I hurt my childhood friend. I destroyed his life, he trusted me, he just wanted to play, and I lied to him, made him…I did…I sent him in a place that…I sent him to hell. And what came back…wasn't him anymore. I destroyed him. I took his trust and made him suffer more than a man can take. And he broke, completely, I lost him then, I killed him. I killed him just because I liked…"
The thermometer juice is growing, rising fast, so much faster than before. With each good thing it goes low, and with each, sin, pain, it feeds on it and rises.
"And, and th…"
The light goes off. In the right room, the girl is still and waiting, she hasn't heard anything of what Matt said. The light turns on, in the room on the right, and the girl starts talking immediately.
"All my life I've suffered."
It's…Sarah. It's her voice, i'm sure, i'm very sure, it can't be anybody else, but why is her hair black? Her hair is not black! Why does this girl have black hair and Sarah's voice? What is going on?! What am i watching? What is this room, what do they want? What do they want from them?
"I never was the victim, and this is the ugly part of it. All the pain, I've caused it, to others and then to myself. This is the only thing I could do, to cause pain. Since I was a kid, my first relationship, was an abusive one, a sexually abusive relationship."
i can't believe this.
"I was the abuser, my first sexual relationship was a rape. I raped a child, we both wer…"
The light turns off. Sarah stops talking. i get as close as i could to the window, it can't be her, she didn't rape anybody. She's a girl for fuck's sake! It's not possible. But it is her, i recognize her. i see just a tip of her ear, a strand of her red hair that escaped the black paint, or the black wig. Even the smallest, simplest movement of her hands reminds me of my Sarah. i know it's her, beyond the window. i have to see her.
"Sarah!"
i start throwing my fists at the window as hard as i can while screaming louder and louder until my voice can't take it anymore.
"Sarah!"
It's too thick, i don't think anything goes past this window. i don't think i can break it. i notice a colour change from the corner of my eye. The light went on in the left room. i get away from the window, i can hardly unstick my eyes from her, but i go in front of Matt's room. And i look at him.
"…ten years later, I met Andreea, love of my life, and my life was happy, finally. I wasn't hating myself anymore."
The juice is draining, little by little.
"And then one day…one evening, in the club, I saw her trying to cheat on me with another. I saw how even though I was a few steps away from her, she was so much far from me that, she forgot me completely. And she did the only thing that could've hurt me. At that moment I realised how cruel I was when I deceived my friend, at that moment, all my love that I fuelled in these past years, just transformed in pain and hatred. I was hating myself. At that moment…"
The light goes off, the thermometer is almost close to the middle section. Matt shuts up and from my right i hear Sarah. Her light is on.
"…then, after I met him, all was perfect, he loved me exactly how I was, he didn't care about my past at all, he just wanted a future. And I was healed, I became better, happier, I finally had a future. But I couldn't keep the monster at bay. And my future was gone. And I came back to who I was before, I hurt him and made him suffer, the only person that gave me another chance. The only one that loved me. Truly. And even so, he still wanted to forgive me and offer me again his love…"
The juice is constantly rising. Fast.
"…and then he died. And I was left alone again an…"
The light goes off.
"And I wanted to kill myself, when I saw it…"
Matt…it's as if he's continuing Sarah's thoughts. He continues her words. i don't know what are they doing here, but they have the same reason, the same purpose. To get to the last phase, which i don't like how it sounds.
"…more days in which I suffered, I got drunk like a pig to build up courage, and I went to Andreea to take my life. But my best friend, saved me. I survived only thanks to him. After that, Andreea came with me at the hospital, she gave me hope that all will be as before. She said nothing, but she stood a little with me, until she explained she ca…can't stay with me. Since then, I haven't seen her. In all that agony, I was still happy. I was happy that I had a friend like him, that I was saved from my stupid self. That I got another chance at life."
He bursts into crying, sobbing and trembling, he can barely say any word. What are they doing here? Why are they doing this?
"And the next day…I found…that he died…my friend…my best friend. After all I've done to him, he saved me, he was with me and I…didn't deserve him."
The light turns off. Thermometer is indicating past half and is closing to its peak. This gives me a terrible sensation of uneasiness. As if it's not something good, if the juice hits the peak and the thermometer indicates maximum value. The image when the bubble broke, and the blood started gushing…nothing good will happen if the thermometer is full.
i'm starting to be nervous. As if i'm watching a game, but i want the ones that i'm rooting for, to lose. i start sweating. my knees are going weak on me. Arms are heavier. i leave smears on the window and no matter how much i'd wipe my hands, they get soaked back in sweat. The smears on the window, i don't know why, they have a vomit like consistency, it looks like, spaghetti.
Sarah continues her story.
"And I grieved for him, with all my rotten heart, with all my black soul, but for the first time in my life I met love, and then I quickly lost it, I needed so much to feel it again. I met a boy, at the funeral of my lo…at the funer…at the funeral! That's what I was doing, I wanted to get fucked, at a funeral! At his funeral… An…and I saw he was looking for the same thing as I, and we went to the grave to ask for his approval. But we thought that…and later that day, I went to my house, with that boy from the funeral, Matt…"
It hurt, when she said his name, i felt it all. i relieved that evening, that shower…
"…and my heart was beating like crazy, I felt pleasure and pain at the same time. Ecstasy and sadness, life and death. I was in between. The sensation was horrible, but much too good to be able to stop myself. I knew that if I don't continue, I will not just remain with the pain, but also with regret. And if I went with it to the end, I could've just relieved a little, of that love…that gave me back my life."
"Sarah! Sarah!"
No. i can't leave her like this. i can't let her continue.
"Sarah!"
"I still hear his voice, yelling my name. Non-stop. I hear him at night in my sleep, or in the middle of the day, in the loudest traffic congestions. I even heard it that evening. When I entered the shower, and then the boy from the cemetery came in. When I heard the voice, and then I saw the human shape, I knew he was with me, he returned just for me. Love prevailed even the boundary between life and death, and now he was with me, I knew that, but he didn't come in the shower cabin with me. Matt was the one who opened the doors, under the eyes of the person that I didn't want to see that, to know that, to do something like that to him…"
i want this to stop! Why?! Why does it make me feel so much pain and so much hatred?! Why does her words hurt me so much?
"It was terrible. And I liked it. I was thinking just…I was forcing myself to think just at how this boy could offer me what my boyfriend couldn't, and wouldn't anymore be able to offer me. And the door shook and shattered and collapsed. And then I knew that…I realized what I've done. The boy went home, and I was left there to suffer. And I suffered… And I suffered! I suff…"
The light goes off. Sarah starts crying. i raise my hand and stick it to the window. i can't let her like this. i can't live…knowing that i left her suffer like this. i push my hand through the window, but it doesn't pass, i don't get it through. i don't…have my abilities anymore. i feel my body heavy, normal, and i can't make it light. i can't pass through objects anymore, i can't float. i feel weak, emaciated after my fall into that chair. There i lost it all. i retract my hand from the window, i can't reach her anymore…
i go to Matt's window and wait. It's the only thing that i can do right now, watch this happen from behind the screen. i can't stop them, i can't escape. i can't change their fates. i can only w… The light turns on.
"I needed a friend, I needed love, compassion and support, I needed someone. At his funeral, I met her. It was Sarah, the girlfriend of my friend, the girlfriend of the dead man. I went to her place, we talked, and I knew in that moment that she could offer me that support. I knew that we, together, could get over this easier, could fight the suffering. And I went to her place and I betrayed again my best friend's trust. I went over her while she was in the shower, and I got naked, and I grabbed my best friend's…my just dead best friend's lover, and…and if the door hadn't broken down in pieces… I wouldn't have stopped. I'm the worst person in the world. I don't deserve to live. Anyway, I can't live anymore, it's not possible. I can't be with her, I can't be with my love either, I can't be with anyone anymore. I just keep drinking day by day, kicking the bottles and…and waiting for the right moment, or for me to kick the bucket. There's nothing else for me."
The light turns off. The thermometer is indicating the nearest mark before the peak.
"I'm sorry."
"Nooo!"
Matt jumps off the chair like an animal, crying with all his might.
"It can't be! I won't accept! I deserve, I must go further."
Matt gets close to the light, falls on his knees and looks up to it.
"Please, end my suffering. I must, I have to die."
He starts crying and sobbing like a suffering animal. He starts smashing his head into the wall.
"I'm a terrible, horrible person and don't deserve much more. The only reason I'd still be able to live…"
The juice is up to the top, the thermometer is full, but it doesn't explode yet. It's so close that i could feel the glass bubble trembling and waiting to just break. Please…Matt…stop, don't go on…
"The only reason I'd still live on, would be to be with that girl, that I'm bound to by the same pain. I wouldn't stay alive except to be with her. I'm pathetic. If I don't die now, I'll hurt my friend even more. I'll become something so despicable, wretched, garbage of a human…subhuman. If I don't die now…! I'll become something…close to a monster."
Bubble breaks, thermometer explodes, blood gushes everywhere. All that was white is now red, a red darker than the one before. The blood drips down the walls, down Matt, down the window through which i'm watching it all happen, down goes all. The room is so much darker. All the white is gone.
"I tried…"
Sarah. i run to her window…she's crying, bent forward as if she's in horrible anguish.
"Stop! Please! Don't go on… Stop talking!"
"I tried to kill myself. But he stopped me, he didn't let me come to him, join him. That much he hated me, that he wanted me to suffer more, to stay alive until he considers I've suffered enough. All that I wished was to get to him, to ask for forgiveness, and to love him forever after. But he threw me. I got up, and tried again to jump off the building, and again he threw me back into my wretched life. I kept trying to kill myself, until he flung me…smashed me into the wall. I never in my life met an agony such like this. My whole body was numb, in shock, each muscle, each bone was crying in agony. And the brain was completely detached from my body. Shut down. I saw nothing, I heard nothing, I was just feeling the pain of my body and my mind. And my heart, which was poignant, rotten, dying."
"W-w-what have i…done to her? i forgive you! i forgive you! i forgive you! What the fuck am i saying! Please! Please, i beg you! Forgive me! i beg you to stop. Stop! my love…please… Stop!"
The juice from the thermometer is rising like hell. It's at the end, and i can already see the bubble cracking, the whole thermometer forms cracks everywhere.
"Then I went down, defeated, I knew he won't ever forgive me, he shouldn't, I don't deserve it. And I went straight to my room, defeated, waiting for death to take me because I wasn't going to move from there ever again. Begging death to come faster and make me suffer, as much as it can."
"Shut up! Shut up!"
"I deserve all the suffering from the world, for how much I spread in turn. I deserve to never be forgiven again. I deserve all that is bad in this world, and even worse. I destroyed the only good thing that ever happened to me. And then I kept hurting it, ripping it apart… I am…I actually am…a MONSTER."
The meter explodes. A huge wave of blood comes out of it and knocks down Sarah from her chair and covers all the walls of the room. Sarah is laying down in the pool of blood, still.
From both rooms i hear the voice talking simultaneously.
"Congratulations, you passed to the final phase. Proceed with confidence. You deserve it."
"No…"
i get far from the window, to be able to see both of them. The rooms clean up again and go back to normal. Clean, untouched by the dark blood. The light is gone, the thermometer is gone, only the chairs are left, and the two. From the ceiling comes down a rope, right above their heads, the rope is knotted in form of a noose. In both rooms. The two look at the noose, and get up on their chairs.
Is this the last phase? They came here for this? They measured their will to end their lives…?
Matt grabs and pulls the noose first, and the one from the right gets pulled up before Sarah gets to grab it. Sarah grabs quickly her noose and holds it tight in her grasp to not lose it. They are tied, together.
"No, no, no! Sarah! Matt! Fuck! Just stop!"
If they both put their heads through the noose and push the chair from under their feet at the same time…they'll kill each other. i have to slow down, one of them, either one.
"Sarah! Don't do it! Don't do this! Please! Wait for me! i'm not dead yet. i can still come back. i can still come to you. Please…we can still be together, we can start over. i can forgive you!"
She can't hear me, i can't stop her. i go to Matt's room and start hitting the window. i punch it as hard as the hand can take.
"Matt! Matt! Stop! i'm here! You didn't lose me. Matt! You're killing Sarah, you imbecile!"
No…nothing…no answer. No, no, i can't…i can't face this…i can't handle it, i'm getting eaten alive. i don't understand anything. Why am i here, why can't i stop them? i must do something! Matt puts his head through the noose and takes deep breaths for courage. Useless…
i'm useless. i can't stop them. i killed them. me, with my selfishness, i pushed them to kill themselves. But…i can't let her die. i can't. i can't let Sarah die. No i can't! i need her! i want her alive. i want her in my life, i want to go back and be with her. i can't let her die!
i run to Sarah, maybe i can… She's looking straight at me. Straight into my eyes. She sees me. She knows i'm here. She can see me. i see her face realizing it's me here. i see her changing her mind. i see her face full of hope again. i see a little smile. i see her getting the noose out from around her neck. i see the noose closing around her neck so suddenly. Sealing up her fate.
The noose fastens instantly and pulls her up in the air. The chair falls and i see Sarah holding the noose from inside, stopping it from breaking her neck. She's struggling, still fighting, but it's impossible for her to escape now. It can't be undone. i see her, struggling, shaking, her face turning purple. Her beautiful face is slowly turning into a cadaver face.
It's so violent the transformation, i can't watch. i take a few steps back. In the left room, Matt is already dead. He's hanging with his feet close to the floor, just a few centimetres above. He plunged first to his death, and took her with him. She's still fighting, lesser now. Fuck! Why can't i save her?!
i dash towards the window with all my speed and smash into it like i just hit a building. Not even the least amount, it moved or trembled. Not even the smallest bit, i managed to get through it. i look at…she's dead. Both, died before my eyes. Because of my weakness. my impotence. i just wait and watch their bodies hanging, swinging devoid of life. With their cold eyes looking at me. i can't.
Sarah looks at me, disappointed i think, shaking limply, like a dead fish, beheaded, without organs, but which still struggles if you drop salt on it. With her disappointed gaze she died, with her eyes targeting me. Judging, but not me. Disappointed, but not in me. She doesn't have a reason… She's disappointed in herself, she died with this feeling of being garbage, with this view of her life, with this disappointment in her life. Because i painted this for her, and i let her end it with this view. i lost her.
N…i cannn…i can! i fucking can. i didn't lose her. i won't let this happen. i can still save her. There is still time. i turn around. i have to get to her, but there is no entrance, nothing in this room but the armchair. Above it, i can't even see the hole i fell through anymore. The walls and the window…i remember when i smashed the chair to the wall, in the kitchen, in front of my parents. It was a heavy chair, but once i've put my hands on it, it was so much lighter, as if it lost its weight. And when i let it go off my hands, it smashed so fast into the wall…
i go to the armchair, it's definitely going to be a little heavier than the kitchen chair. i grab it, try to raise it up, but…i can go through objects, i have to. It can't be gone suddenly, this quality of mine. i didn't concentrate well. i leave the armchair in its place, i don't need it, i can walk through the window, simple like that.
And i run and smash into the window. Fuck. i get back up, and throw my hand forward. It doesn't pass through. i stick my hand to the window, push, harder and harder, until the bones of my hand and the wrist start cracking. i can't stop, but i don't have strength in my left arm anymore either. Why can't i pass to the other side? i'm not dead anymore? What the fuck!?
i try to imagine it all, how i don't have a shape, how i'm light, how i'm passing through the material. Without success. i go to the window on the left and try there too. Nothing. i get on my knees and try to put my hand through the floor. i can't.
i don't have time to lose, i have to save Sarah! i run to the armchair, grab it and throw it with all my might, straight into the window. The armchair is propelled towards the window, smashes into it, but falls on the floor. i grab it again and throw it again. And again. Taking more steps behind to throw the chair. And it cracks. And i keep throwing the chair, and the window keeps cracking even more. And i throw that chair until it suddenly gets stuck into the window. Half in, half out.
i go and grab it by the legs and pluck it back, the hole is too small. i go to the far end of my room, run to the middle and throw the chair with an uncontrollable rage. i don't want to feel weak anymore… The armchair goes straight through the window, and hits Sarah's body.
i stop there, in front of the window, looking through the hole, at Sarah's body swinging. She has an injury on her face. From the armchair. Broken nose, split lip, face has a purple dark mark left from the hit, and the blood flows slowly, clogged, from her mouth, her nose, her eyes. Why do i keep destroying what i love? Why do i kill everything that is around me?
In the other room, Matt's body swings too. i climb on the edge of the hole and go inside Sarah's room. i run to her and get up the chair she climbed on, and climb on it, and grab her quickly by her waist and hold her so tight in my arms, and hold her as high as i can to stop the noose from pulling her. i have my head stuck to her belly. No beat. i try to get my head higher, and let her a little lower, to place my ear on her chest. Nothing. Her beats ended, she ran out.
With one hand i grab her tightly around her waist and with the other i try to open her noose. i can't open the knot. i put my hand in the pocket and pull out the dagger. i grab the sheathe with my mouth and pull it out, then i put the blade between her neck and the rope. i pull Sarah as close and tight as i can against me, and cut the rope. Her limp lifeless body pulls me down and i fall from the chair. i got to rotate mid-air at least and her body falls on mine, while mine hit the hard floor. i get on my ass fast and grab her by her head to check if she got hurt. But it was already mutilated, her face, by me…
i look at her body and feel a sorrow in my heart, i feel a putrefied iodine flowing through my veins, an old, ancient, toxic liquid. She's just a memory of a human. An empty body. A piece of white meat, that starts decomposing and smelling. i did this to her, it's my fault. It's not her fault, but she paid for it, she suffered for it.
i grab her hands and start kissing them. i kiss her lips, her cheeks, her nose. i grab her by the waist and i won't ever let her off. i don't want to leave her side anymore. Even if every second spent here, feels like a million of lives not lived. It's much better than a million of lives lived to the fullest, but without her. Even a second with her, even this second. i hate, with all my self, my existence.
i hear a noise, something is cracking. i look at the window, it's not coming from there, but something still cracks, breaks. i look behind me, on the right wall. The thermometer, is back, and is full, full of cracks, waiting to explode. i look at the wall with the light, the red light is out and on. No, i beg you, don't burst off, i don't want to see her full of blood again, i beg you. i had enough of suffering. It hurts me. Please. i don't want to suffer anymore!
Bubble bursts. The room is filled again with blood, but this time it doesn't seem to stop from gushing. The blood keeps filling the room. Even with the hole made by the armchair, at this rate, i don't have a minute. And i can't pass through objects, i just tried it now with my leg on the floor. And i can't leave Sarah. i get up on my feet and start looking round and round for an escape, for an exit. i slip and hit the floor.
i can't get up anymore. The floor is too slippery. i grab Sarah from under and get her up on my chest and i wait. i wait while i'm holding the love of my life in my arms. i wait while i'm holding a body in my arms. i wait for the room to fill. And the room fills up fast.
i manage to get up on my feet, more or less floating. i hold Sarah's head against my shoulder, so she doesn't go down. i try to keep her head as much above the blood as i can. We have to get out of here, i have to find something, to think of something. Up, the rope comes down through a hole big as the rope is thick and that's it, the rest is just the ceiling. The blood got to my neck, but at the same time it also got to the hole in the window.
Now the other room needs to fill until i'll get swallowed. That's some way of prolonging my torture. i keep pulling Sarah up above me, with her head a little above mine and…just wait. i wait face in face with her. Her head leans on mine, and mine is half dipped in blood. She keeps slipping from my grasp, but i catch her and bring her back holding her even tighter. As i put her arm over my shoulder, i see she has wounds and bruises also on her hands and arms, also from me, but i won't let her submerge. i can't lose her again. i can't let her drown in all this blood. That i started.
The next room fills up to the hole too and the level of the blood starts rising again. Legs aren't touching the floor anymore. But i don't get tired moving my feet aggressively to keep us both afloat. As i see this ending… i guess that's it. At least i'll die along her this time. At least we won't be separated ever again. The blood almost reaches the ceiling. i'm stuck with my head to it. i can't continue keeping her face from getting covered in blood, her mouth, her nose. i don't want her to drown. i don't want…
The blood reaches her mouth and starts going in, i get her even higher, get her head on her back and stick her face to the ceiling. Useless. It's almost done. i get my face to the ceiling too, get a last deep breath, and pull Sarah quick to me. We both submerge together in this red sea. With a hand i grab her nose and hold tight to not let blood in, and with the other i hold the back of her head and push her towards me. i stick my lips to hers. i try to keep the kiss as airtight as i can, letting nothing to get in. And i blow. i push hard all the air inside me, into her. i keep pushing her head against mine to be sure not a bubble gets out. And i keep pushing air into her. All the air i have, i gather even from the corners of my lungs, all that is on the bottom. All. Until i'm devoid of any molecule of oxygen. Until i have nothing else to push from me.
i get my hand from the back of her head and grab her lips and hold them too, as tight as i can. Nothing gets out. Please, wake up. Please. i gave you my all. i want her to wake up. i want all to be good again. i…feel something. A movement, in her body, a kick, a struggle. Her eyes open. She's moving, she awoke. She sees me, all the blood around me, she yells. All the air i got into her lungs gets out of her mouth. Thousands of bubbles, agitated, get out of her mouth. i hear her muffled scream. i extend my hand to catch her fast, to calm her, to pull her close to me and hug her. i don't get a good hold of her that she disappears. She's pulled backwards by a strong current. She's gone instantly out of my face. The violent current, almost ripped my hand with that pull. i didn't got to hug her. i just got her back, but she was taken away from me, again.
Around my body, i feel a current forming, growing in intensity. All the blood around me, with me, is suddenly drained down in a vortex. i pass through the hole that caused the vortex and all goes dark. i just feel being dragged down violently, faster and faster, like in a water slide, full of water…full of blood. Pulled down into abyss. From here, i get out no more.
i still have Sarah's image floating in front of my eyes, how i was reaching for her, trying to get closer, but she then got pulled out of my grasp. Maybe this is what i deserve, this is my punishment, long, agonizing, my hell. But i don't think it ended though, i don't deserve anyway, for my torment to end.
Sarah's image becomes more real, the more i think about her, the more i see her clearer, like a ghost. i want to reach to her, to see if she's real. To see if i can touch her. She looks at me, she's scared, she extends her hand too. This time i grab it. i grab her and hold her tight. i won't lose her again.
my body stops suddenly, the water around me too. There is no current anymore, no force that plays with me anymore. It's just Sarah's hand, that goes somewhere up, probably to the surface. i pull it towards me, and it pulls me too, and i'm out. Air. Park. And a shadow of hand.