My words and topics are all over the place, there's so much I want to say, that there's no structure, nothing adds up, it's one thing after the other.
That's why my friends think I'm random
That's why no one takes me seriously
That's why most things I say will never mean anything
Because I'm random, there's no substance, no meaning, all because there's too much I want to say, express, and let people know, all because I'm in love with life.
So when growing up, I face people that tell me to talk less, I face people that get hurt when I talk too much, I face people that get hurt when I express my interests, I face people that tell me I'm doing something wrong, I face people that insult me for no reason, I face people that tell me meaningless things, only for them to help me improve, I stop talking, I can't fit into societal norms by being myself, by being random, by being someone with no substance, I distance myself, I get scared of going outside, I get scared of talking to other people, including my loved ones,
But when I meet people that are like me, as random as me, that are not sensitive to uncomfortable topics like me, that have the same interests as me, I open up, I talk about everything that's being bottled up, I talk about random things that don't mean anything, I make jokes that don't even make sense, and it's fun. That's the peak of life.
But people... Are people. Sometimes people can get too far, sometimes people can change, so when those same people start going over the limit of even MY randomness, sometimes become weirder than I am, I distance myself, again.
So when people don't like how I act, people teach me to change, so that I don't hurt people by talking too much, so I don't hurt people by expressing my interests, so I can fit into societal norms, my world turns upside down. So I go back to my hole again, my hole of wonder, my world where everything is fun and enjoyable, even if there are some bad things here and there. But it touches my heart, and I love it.
And I get sucked into my own little world again, a world where life is so enjoyable, a world where I can immerse myself in. Despite all I said, I still want to improve, I still want to listen to what people tell me, it's just, hard.
I don't know if any of what I said even makes sense, given the lack of structure, I wish someone would just tell me if it makes sense or not, I wish someone can validate me, to make me have confidence again, even if only temporarily, I want that temporary confidence to hold on longer, longer than it's ever been, I wish someone would just summarise my feelings and tell me if I'm right or not, yet if I'm wrong, yet if it actually doesn't make sense, I'll be hurt again, so I'm scared, I'm scared of getting what I want, I'm scared of the truth, I'm scared...
I'm so scared...
I'm scared, I dont wanna be called a pussy, I don't wanna be insulted, I don't wanna be looked down upon, I don't want to be ignored, I don't want to be wrong, I don't want to be taken as a joke, I want to be taken seriously, even if I don't want to be taken seriously, even when I do want to be taken seriously, it's too much to ask for, like who can read my mind right? Who can read what inconsistent state I'm in now? Haha,
Like who can know if right now I'm overthinking, or if I'm actually brain-dead?
Who can know if I'm actually indecisive or just acting?
Who can know if I'm actually selfish or generous?
Who can know if I'm actually smart or dumb?
Who can know if I'm actually wrong or right?
Who can know if I actually love or hate something?
The answer?
No one does, and no one will ever be, not even myself.
But life is still fun, so it's all good! It will be good, I will make it that way, even if I don't act on it, even if I'm lazy to make it that way, it will be good, it will be fun, cuz I wished it to! Even if it doesn't make any sense, even if I didn't put in any work! IT WILL BE FUN, IT WILL BE GOOD.
PLEASE!!!
PLEASE HAVE A GOOD FUTURE, I'm too scared to take control of it myself, too scared... Too scared...
Too scared...