Chenzhou scowled at her, more embarrassed than anything else. Eirian was so comfortable in her own skin. He envied her, but also had no idea how she'd gotten there and if it was even possible for him.
Eirian managed to make herself stop laughing after a moment and gave a half-hearted apology, but Chenzhou just shrugged.
"It's fine. I envy your confidence." He admitted, submerged up to his chin.
Eirian twisted around in the water and ducked down to the same level. "It's not that hard."
"I beg to differ." Chenzhou's voice was just as dry as his expression. "I am comfortable, not confident."
Eirian scoffed. "If you're comfortable, you're confident. Besides, you're also still recovering. You don't know what your body feels like because it's been wrong for so long. Once you've completely recovered, you'll have to learn it all over again."
Chenzhou's head sank under with a sad bubble.
Eirian floated around until he came back up. "You've been injured before, you know this."
"Not like this. This feels like everything was hurt."
"It was." Eirian let the ripples from his movement move her around. "But you'll heal."
Chenzhou sighed. "I shouldn't complain. It's better than dying."
"Exactly!" Eirian slapped the surface of the water to drive her point home. "Besides, if it wasn't this, it'd probably be something else."
"That's not comforting at all." But he was smiling.
"Life doesn't give breaks." Eirian dove under, rose until only her eyes were above the water, and moved towards him like a shark.
Even though he was watching her, wary, she still somehow took him by surprise when she launched out of the water and managed to shove his head under. He swallowed a mouthful of water in surprise, flailing under the water until he remembered to twist away and escape.
Eirian was laughing when he came up spitting water, and he glared at her through his hair. There wasn't any heat to it, though. The warm sunlight and cool water were relaxing enough that Chenzhou couldn't muster the energy to be really angry.
And he'd never seen Eirian being playful before. He'd seen angry.
He'd definitely seen angry.
He'd seen defensive and hurt, though she'd probably never admit to that one, and curious.
She was rather fascinating to watch when she was curious, especially now that he had time to look.
Mingzhe was always so controlled. Always so serious. He and Eirian would make a fascinating couple.
Something hot and sharp burst to life in Chenzhou's chest. He'd only just gotten both of them, and now they'd found one another.
It was jealousy, he realized, and felt terrible. Both of them deserved happiness, and if they found it with each other, all the better.
Chenzhou had no right to feel left out or alone. He had Anna, and even if it ended, he could still be friends with Eirian and Mingzhe.
Watch them form a family from the outside.
Mingzhe would probably be more of a father to Brendan than Chenzhou, and eventually, they wouldn't want Chenzhou around as often anyway. Why would they need some random man hanging around their family?
Recognizing that his thoughts were spiralling, Chenzhou sank under and shook himself.
A yank on his hair had him leaping back out with a yelp.
"What are you brooding about?" Eirian demanded.
"Nothing! Stop pulling my hair!"
"Tell me the truth." She yanked again, and Chenzhou twisted, trying to get free. Eirian was disturbingly flexible, though, and she planted her foot on his hip and managed to stay just out of reach.
Chenzhou swallowed a mouthful of water and coughed. "Okay! Okay! I give up."
"What's wrong?" Eirian demanded, eyes narrowed, and one hand still holding onto his hair.
Chenzhou sighed. "I was just thinking about you and Mingzhe." At her confused expression, he pushed on and ignored the awkward feelings. "The two of you will be good together. Good parents to Brendan."
A wide-eyed look of fear came over Eirian's face. "Uh, what?"
"I just, I was thinking that the three of you will make a happy family."
"And where will you be during all this?"
Chenzhou glanced away, stared at the water. "I'll still be there, of course. But I don't want to get in the way of your happiness. Or Mingzhe's. Or Brendan's."
"What about your happiness?" Eirian hated false humility. Her father practiced it all the time.
Chenzhou blinked. "I'm alive. I'm happy."
Eirian stared at him and finally let his hair go. "I thought you were in love with Anna?"
"I am!" His voice went dangerously high-pitched.
Eirian's mouth dropped open in shock. "When did that happen?"
"Nothing's happened." Chenzhou denied. He still loved Anna…it just wasn't…it didn't inspire the happiness it had before. Not in Chenzhou and probably not in Anna, though he hadn't worked up the courage to ask her directly. She'd given up so much for their relationship, it felt cruel to ask her now.
Eirian's eyes narrowed. "You know Mingzhe's interested in you, right? Not me."
Chenzhou stared at her. Eirian was brilliant. How could she have missed something so obvious? "No, he's not. He's interested in you."
They stared at one another, neither convinced.
"Are you going to talk to Anna?" Eirian tried changing the subject.
Chenzhou's shoulders slumped, but he nodded eventually. "I'm not sure how to, but I don't think she's happy. I don't want her to stay if she's unhappy."
"She still has family, doesn't she?"
He nodded. "She writes to them every week. They're very close. I just…I promised her the rest of my life. It feels terrible to say I changed my mind."
"You didn't change your mind. You just changed. That happens. Are you going to stay just because of something you said years ago? You'll both be miserable."
Chenzhou groaned. "It makes sense when you say it, but it's still hard. I hate hurting her."
"You're already hurting her." Eirian pointed. "You think she doesn't know? I knew every time Philip was pretending to like something because he thought that was what I wanted. Every time I told him I didn't like it, he still did it."
Every time she confided something new about her relationship with Philip, Chenzhou was struck by the urge to resort to violence.
"No one wants a relationship where someone's not being honest. What's the point of that kind of relationship?"
~ tbc